My father was NOT into sports AT ALL. He could give 2 shits about who wins the World Series, Superbowl, but he always had a financial rooting interest in the Bud Bowls. My brother and I got into sports and once a year, my father would take us to a Yanks or Mets game. We would alternate years where we would go to the scary Bronx or Chop Shop Central Queens. I’m the ardent Yanks fan and my brother was a closeted homosexual Mets Fan. We would have a “man day” where my dad would get some solid field level seats and then we would eat garbage food that was 5 times the value of the tickets. Thankfully, our metabolisms could’ve been bottled and sold to aspiring models/singers and we would’ve been multimillionaires. Instead, I’m writing a dopey blog on a Saturday afternoon while my 1 year old daughter takes a nap. I’m hoping I finish this article AND can squeeze in a trip to the gym before she wakes. Hello time management, goodbye reckless boozing and womanizing. Unless you have a shitload of money and pay off your wife with gaudy shopping trips to look the other way while you philander; welcome to married life, boys!
I still enjoy going to games for the camaraderie, catching up with buddies over a few cocktails, and watching the games from different angles. But after going to many games over the years, I’m mystified that some people just don’t have any proper jersey decorum. Like I said before, my dad doesn’t give a shit about sports but somehow, I learned through life what is the proper attire and how to wear it at the games. So don’t blame this on being having a single mother in your household. And if you are “that guy,” pay for your buddy to get an uber so he can come over and slap you repeatedly in the face. Yes, I get it. This is a first world problem and people who aren’t into sports could give 2 shits. But god forbid if you don’t remember what Rachel from Friends favorite color is.
- Thou shall not be the douchebag who insists on wearing a full uniform of a team that isn’t even playing at the game you’re attending. You want to wear your team’s hat so you can rep your team, fine. But to wear head to toe apparel like you think you’re playing left field and batting 5th? I was at a Yankees/A’s game and 4 dildos from Philly are wearing head to toe Philthies gear. I asked them why are they wearing Salvation Army clothing to a Yankees game. They said, “We have to represent our team.” I told them that their awful Philly accents represents them just fine. You’re a clown and just there to stir up a shit storm. You fully deserve it when you get pelted with synthetic nacho cheese, leftover garlic fries, and a lukewarm $12 Budweiser.
- Thou shall not be the cheap fuck who wears an obvious sponsored giveaway jersey to multiple games. If you’re coming from the office and want to throw on a shirt they give you which has Stop N Shop logos plastered all over it like it was a NASCAR race, fine. But to wear that to every game? Pony up the $100 bucks for a decent replica and fit in with everyone. Otherwise, you’ll be subjected to people like me yelling, “Hey Stop n Shop, cleanup in aisle 8!”
- Thou shall not be the relatively cheap fuck who wears a player’s jersey who turned out to be an absolute abortion. The turnaround time to get rid of that jersey is 3 years. I have a buddy who still wore his Kevin Boss (mediocre TE for the NY Giants) for YEARS after he retired/forced out/blows his brains out under an overpass in 15 years from CTE. Look, I had a Jason Sehorn jersey (white CB for the Giants that A) was awesome till he blew his knee out returning a kickoff in a fucking preseason game and B) married that piece of ass, Angie Harmon) but I got rid of it when he was chasing wide receivers and his pants were falling to his ankles. I smartly jumped on the Eli Manning bandwagon the second he got drafted. Figured I’d go all in on the eventual franchise QB. And if you have guys who obviously were hall of famers or solid contributors, by all means keep wearing them. But if you buy someone that’s a rookie that didn’t pan out or a free agent that did his best work on another team and came to your team as a last resort (Jerry Rice on the Raiders, Ray Borque on the Avalanche), cut that shit out.
- Thou shall not be the, “My wife/kids bought this jersey for me” guy. I’m talking about people who put #1 Dad or your last name on the back of their jerseys. No, you’re not the number 1 dad in the world. That’s because that title is held by Ferris Bueller’s dad. Checked on his kid while he was sick, bought him a computer and his sister a car, and came home at 6 sharp as promised. And if your wife or kids really knew and loved you, they would know that makes you look stupid and they would put your favorite player on the back of the jersey. If my daughter wanted to get me a second Yankees jersey, my wife would tell her that it’s going to be a Jeter or Mariano, Not #1 Daddy. Or putting your own name on the back of that jersey. This isn’t t-ball, you child. You didn’t play a down or throw a single pitch in the majors. What you’ve done is given everyone within a 3 section radius to fuck with you for the ENTIRE game. Do you really want to hear, “Hey Sanderson, your sister had corn last night for dinner! Just thought you should know!” Cut that shit out.
- Thou shall not be a Yankee fan that wears a jersey with a players name on the back. We’re the only one that doesn’t do names on the back in the name of tradition. Again, spend the extra bucks and get a real jersey. You look dopey, cut that shit out.
- Thou shall stop it with the gimmick jerseys. These teams milk the shit out of us as it is. You’re going to get a camouflage home jersey because it’s the newest and you have to get it? You look like a child soldier in Sierra Leone with that jersey and those jean shorts. Those awful neon colored jersey? This isn’t Miami circa 1984, cut that shit out.
- Thall shall stop it with the film character names on the back of jerseys. I’m talking to you Costanza on the back of a Yankees jersey, Hansen on a Chiefs jersey, or Griswold on the back of a Blackhawks jersey. We get it, you’re a Seinfeld, Slap Shot, or a Vacation fan. That’s not even a deep cut reference that can really be appreciated. willie beamen. Now that’s at least a little off the beaten path.
- Thou shall not be the dickbag that wears a hat or jersey and when asked about said clothing, “Oh, I’m not a fan of the team, I just like the colors.” Aww, how cute Ralph Lauren. You’re making sure you’re avoiding the fashion police at a ball game. This is the one place no one is judging people’s style. Hell, the Eagles fans made Zubazz pants popular in that city inhabited by mouth breathers. You don’t need to be on the cover of GQ while you eat a dirty water hot dog and suck down a $12 bud light. Both of which I don’t consume because they’re gross. I eat before I go to the game because I refuse to pay top dollar for bottom feeding food.
- Thou shall not be a cheap bastard that takes masking tape and writes a current players name on the jersey of a shitty player with the same number.
- And finally, thou shall not be that guy that tucks his jersey into his pants. Hey Steve Urkel, let loose. You’re at a game, not a board meeting, so relax.
When Kevin isn’t belittling someone for breaking one of these social mores, he’s playing with his daughter, telling jokes in NYC (Book him at Kgootee23@gmail.com), or working on his show: Comics Watching Comics (www.comicswatchingcomics.com)