Double Dip Film Reviews: Pet Semetary and Shazam!

Yep, been a little while.  But don’t blame me, blame the slop we’ve been forced to sit through since the new year:  

I watched “Aquaman”, meh.  I did see, “Fighting With My Family.”  Enjoyed it and a nice chunk was the few scenes the Rock was in.  Vince Vaughn also solid in this.  Those are words not many people have written in over 10 years.  Also saw “Captain Marvel.”  Look, it wasn’t as bad as some people made it out to be but it certainly wasn’t good.  And the only thing missing was Samuel L Jackson wearing a postman’s uniform in that film.  Cause he mailed that shit in, big time.  The jokes failed, big time.  But they had the best Stan Lee cameo, big time.  

petsemtary

Honestly is the best policy, except when it comes to dealing with your wife.  I had no desire to see the new Pet Semetary film.  Never read the book, never saw the original film.  But the reviews were coming in much more positively than I expected.  I also expect the Stephen King remakes will be held to a higher caliber as It was fantastic.  So here we go:

Louis Creed (Jason Clarke of the unfortunate Terminator: Genisys) is moving his family up to the country.  Wife Rachel (Amy Seimetz) and kids Ellie and Gage (Jete Laurence and Hugo Lavoie) along with their cat, Church which is short for Churchill.  No reason given for naming the cat after a Gary Oldman character.  The house the family move into happens to be adjacent to a creepy pet cemetery.  Next door lives Jud (John Lithgow from the evergreen Harry and the Hendersons) who just may know what exactly is going on with said cemetery.  

Cue things going bump in the night, premonitions, the usual suspects of horror films.  Poor Church decides to go one on with a tractor trailer and ends up like a Mortal Kombat Fatality victim.  Neighbor Jud (who would ever saddle their kid with that name) suggests that burying the cat beyond the pet cemetery may benefit the Creed family.  Well guess what?  That’s an Indian burial ground past the cemetery and good ol’ Church just happens to cash in on 1 of the 9 lives.  Although he looks like he just spent all night raging at a fraternity party and ripping off 14 straight wins in beer pong.  Oh wait, that was me, 20 years ago.  

I’ll bet you, gentle reader, that you think that even though that Church may not be the same lovable feline he was before the resurrection.  And you’d be right.  He hisses and scratches more people than a 14 year old girl in a lunchroom brawl.  And then this of course, sends everyone into a panic and more bad things start to happen.  Apparently, one of the major events was changed from the book to this film and yes, King gave his blessing for the change.  And now we’ve crossed into spoiler territory so I shall now circle the wagons.

This film is enjoyable, it delivered what it promised.  Gave me a few jumps, not any cheap scares.  Foresaw most of the ending but the very end, didn’t see that angle.  I did wish they better explained the scene with the procession of children wearing pet masks and why they were doing it.  Otherwise, it’s a fine and fun watch.  Must you see it in a theater?  Not a must.  Will you feel disappointed after dropping $15 on it?  I don’t think so.  

6.5 out of 10

 

shazam

DC Films is like the Sword in the Stone.  Many people tried pulling out the sword without success as DC has pumped out poor film after mediocre/decent film.  Man of Steel, Justice League, Suicide Squad, Batman v Superman…all awful.  Wonder Woman was fine, Aquaman was meh.  And now we have, Shazam.  The guy anyone barely remembers from the Justice League cartoon but had one hell of an entrance.  Now DC drops this into our collective laps, hoping this bird flies after being thrown out of the nest instead of crashing to earth. Avengers: Endgame is out in 3 weeks, this is their only chance to get a hold of something until the Joker comes out in fall.  How does it fare?  Let’s go to the videotape!  

Shazam is the story of Billy Batson, a 14 year old foster kid constantly looking for his mother whom he lost at a winter fair when he was 3.  Billy finds himself escaping bullies on a subway in Philadelphia (No, his superpowers aren’t avoiding white trash or mouth breathing Eagles fans) when he’s suddenly transported to a wizard, also a Shazam, seeking a replacement for his powers.  By yelling, “Shazam!”, Billy turns into the bigger and even older superhero.  The lighthearted approach of discovering Shazam’s superpowers as well as coming of life experiences with his fellow foster brother Freddy Freeman (Jack Glazer) pays off in spades.  The trial and error method while the boys upload their videos to youtube is quite humorous.  It’s kind of Deadpool-ish without the R rated dick jokes.  Not that I’m opposed to them by any stretch though.  What’s the second most important aspect of a superhero film?  Tits.  Just kidding.  Well, they never have those in films unless it’s Barb Wire which was nothing short of a method of torture outlawed by the Geneva Convention.  The villain, you chowderheads!  Mark Strong plays Thaddeus Silvana, one who was also was interviewed by the previous Shazam wizard but had failed the test.  He wants that power and goddamnit, he’s not stopping at nothing to get it.  Silvana enlists the help of the 7 Deadly Sins who are lizard-like that are named after the, ding, 7 deadly sins.  

Well, let’s give credit where credit is due.  This film breaks the streak of shitty/mediocre DC films not named Batman.  Bale, not Affleck.  C’mon, we’re civilized here.  This film is rock solid except for the final battle does lag a bit.  I also observed Batson’s foster family noticeably checks the multicultural boxes: Asian boy, Asian girl, black girl, Hispanic boy, Samoan dad, Hispanic mom, white girl, white guy.  This film hits all marks and finally correctly copies from the Marvel playbook.  Funny how DC has a better film out there now than Marvel does.  I’m MOST shocked that this made ~54 million opening weekend while Aquaman opened to 67 million.  This film is FAR superior to that bread sandwich.

7.5 out of 10 

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Movie review: Deadpool

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Here we are, Valentine’s Day weekend and what USUALLY comes out this weekend in the theaters are lazy romantic comedies (How to Be Single.  Can we just throw a saddle on Rebel Wilson already?) or sequels that no asked for (Zoolander 2.  My streak of not seeing Ben Stiller movies is intact since I wasted 90 minutes on that piece of donkey shit, Tower Heist.)  Thankfully, the prodigies at Marvel studios picked a perfect time to drop their first superhero film of the year (Captain America 3 and XMen Apocalypse come in April and May) and Marvel opens with a hit.  

For those of you who haven’t completely blocked Wolverine: Origins out of your minds yet, you’ll recall Ryan Reynolds was in that film, playing Deadpool.  You’ll also remember how that abortion of a film mutilated (pun intended) a perfectly good character and didn’t let Reynolds do the wisecrackin’ for more than 10 minutes until they literally sewed his mouth shut. Thankfully, writers Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick let Reynolds do what he does best, crack wise while even shitting on Wolverine: Origins and Reynolds’s other shitbag superhero “effort”, the Green Lantern.  For those of you not familiar with Deadpool, think Van Wilder (Reynolds breakthrough film) who cuts off bad guys heads.  The self-deprecating humor works as does some of the other dick and fart joke material.  Hey, that’s the character!  Some film reviewers get tight assed about that and that’s why no one takes the majority of them seriously.  You mean to tell me nearly EVER 18th century period piece gets at least 3.5 stars out of 4?  No thanks, sometimes people just want to laugh and watch shit blow up.  

Obviously, this is the origin story and Reese and Wernick do a great job of telling it efficiently.  They also bring Colossus from the Xmen as well as Negasonic Teenage Warhead.  I had no idea who she is and apparently, she was short lived in the comic book.  I felt the addition of Colossus and NTW didn’t bring anything to the table; it felt like an obvious tie in for the future Xmen films.  So that’s pretty much it for any superhero crossover discussions.

What I liked:

Reynolds jokes are fucking hysterical, couldn’t tell you the last recent film (or even comedy) I LOLed that much.

The flow was perfect, everything wrapped up nicely in 100 minutes.

This is by FAR, the best Stan Lee cameo you’ll ever see.  Not even close

This is by FAR, the best Marvel end credit scene, EVER. 

What I didn’t like:

Probably the weakest villain in a superhero film I’ve ever seen.  He’s the consistent English bad guy you’ve seen in every action film, ever.  I’m not familiar with the Deadpool comic book and maybe this guy is the Joker or Magneto of Deadpool but if he is, snore.  No charisma, nothing remarkable at all.  

Gina Carano plays Angel Dust.  I had no idea who she was; she wasn’t explained at all except she’s strong.  Nothing substantial about her either…moving along.

The Colossus and NTW addition seemed like a good idea on paper but weren’t orchestrated properly.  It feels contrived and by the end, you don’t care when they show up in the final battle.

This is the first rated R Marvel studios film (the first rated R comic book film was Blade) and it deserves it.  Plenty of violence, cursing, and nudity…just what a growing boy or girl needs.  Congrats also go to TJ Miller for finally landing a role where I don’t want to punch him in the face.  

I totally dug Deadpool but I think it will rank 3rd of this year’s Marvel films.  And that’s not a shot at Deadpool, I just have super high expectations for Cap 3 (seriously, the trailer is fucking bonkers and Cap 2 was goddamn amazing) and XMen Apocalypse (trailer again is bonkers, Singer is directing again, and this is Marvel’s crown jewel for a reason.)

I give it a 7/10, it’s totally worth 15 bucks but no need for IMAX or 3D.  And drag your gf/wife to this because honestly, do you want to see Rebel Wilson clogging up a movie screen?  She’s just biding her time until Melissa McCarthy passes over the “annoying fat girl who farts/burps/says inappropriate things” crown.