1. Bengals over .5 FG in the 1h. We know McPherson has an absolute boot and Taylor will not gamble early in the game, he’s taking the points.
2. Rams score a rushing TD. 3 RBs and don’t be surprised if one of them run it in.
3. LOVE THIS BET every single year: 3Q outscores the 1Q. A rookie coach against a 2nd time superbowl coach will be conservative to start but after halftime, the playbook (like your moms’ legs) get opened up.
4. Over 50 Took this bet immediately after the Rams game ended and one of the times I got the worst of the number. Bengals are 4/5 under of late and Rams (on the road) are 4/5 over but throw those out. Not loving this bet now
5. Over 6.5 punts. Good defense by the Rams so that means 7 punts we need almost 2 a quarter. Not too much to ask.
6. Bengals score more in the second half than the first. See above logic on bet 3
7. Rams score more in the second half than the first. See above logic on bet 3.
8. Second half outscores the first half.
9. OBJ over 63.5.
10. Rams ML last to score last in the half
11. Bengals +1 1Q
12. Akers over 62.5 rushing yds. Freshest legs of the 3 backs and LA will look to burn clock. Speaking of burning clock.
13. Rams more time of possession.
14. Bengals +10.5/over 42.5 teaser Like this as the best side/total combo
15. Kupp over 102.5 receiving yards.
16. Bengals +4.5 Bengals 7-0 ATS of late, Rams 6-3 ATS. I think the Bengals CAN win but I’m quite confident the Bengals keep it close if they lose.
17. Longest FG made by Cincy. See bet #1
18. Most 1st downs by Rams
19. Burrow over 10.5 rushing yards
20. Opening kickoff is NOT a touchback. These balls are commemorative balls and they’re ROCK HARD according to sources.
21. More sacks by the Rams
22. Mixon over 3.5 receptions. More screen passes can happen under pressure
23. Rams NO 4th down conversion. McVay goes for it but converts only 38% of the time and this is a plus bet? Heidy ho
Back in the money, WOO-HOO! And we’re back on the winning train, 5-3 last week which brings me to a total of 25-17 and back to 60% Week 8, here we go.
I took Carolina on Thursday night which will count for this week’s total so a rip roaring 0-1 start to this week. Now we’re going to focus on the winning picks.
Green Bay is 2nd in PPG and rolled last week against the Texans (had that one last week so you’re welcome) Vikings just traded one of their top defensive players to the Ravens. And when you trade one of your best player away from an already shitty defense, you’re in deep trouble. Packers are 10th in rushing, Vikings are 22nd in rush defense. Why do I bring that up? Because it’s going to be windy as all hell there tomorrow. Packers can run the ball but so can the Vikings. Vikings have the 29th worst pass defense so when the Packers need to throw it, they can. Vikings gave up 40 points to the deadbeat Falcons defense. I think Green Bay does the job and handles Kirk Cousins with ease. Numbers to back up my argument unlike some of my friends that make picks online? Here we go: Vikings are 1-4 ATS against GB, 3-8 ATS in GB. Vikes are 1-5 SU this year. GB 5-1 ATS, 8-0 SU at home.
Now, wake up tomorrow and check the weather. If it’s as windy as they say it is, play the under. And here’s why: 9/12 GB/Minnesota games have gone under, 9/11 under in NFC north, GB 6/7 under in November, Minn 4/5 under on the road, Minn 7/10 under vs NFC north.
LOVE GB -6 and under 49.5, which you can tease to 54.5 with something else
I know people are trying to harness lightning in a bottle again by picking the Raiders when they’re underdogs. Yes, the Browns lost OBJ but as how many receiving TDs did he have this year? 3. Did he have 100 yard game this year? No, 81 yds is his high for the year. So let’s be honest, as Mike Francesa says, he’s just become a shadow of himself and only a name. Not the high rd draft pick some of you thought he was. What do the Raiders do? Besides have their fans pretend it’s Halloween ever day without ever getting the metaphorical treat being a trophy? They sure don’t stop the run, allowing 4.9 a carry. It’s supposed to be windy here; thus helping out Hunt and Josh Jacobs. Vegas is 2-7-1 against Cle and most of those games are when the Browns were the WORST team in the NFL, not with their current talent level. Vegas 4-8 SU in last 12 as well. Cle 5-1 SU of late and 7-1 SU at home. The number is PERFECT and if it got to three, I could completely see taking the Raiders. But as of Sat night, it’s 2.5 and I grabbed it to avoid the sharps possibly pounding it to 3 or higher.
Browns -2.5 and also, check the winds in Cleveland. You may want to go under 49 as it has dropped from 53 already…
Explain this to me: why is it every year when the Steelers play Baltimore, the line is always 3, no matter then venue. Now the Steelers are getting 4.5 in Baltimore. That’s just ludicrous, just as insane as saying you enjoy Napoleon Dynamite. Yeah, we had to watch that film for Gutting the Sacred Cow. That film is pure trash and anyone who thinks otherwise, is wrong. Back to the Steelers. So they’re undefeated and the Ravens have a loss PLUS almost blew a lead to Philly. Please explain why you’re going to give more than 3 points to the top run defense in the league to a team who runs damn near 65% of the time. More numbers, sure: Pitt 5-1 ATS of late, 6-0 SU. Pitt 2-6-1 is against Bal BUT at least 2 of those losses were last year with no Ben Rothleisberger. Bal of late, 12-4-1, 17-2 SU, and 5-0 ATS against AFC North. Great numbers so I’m going to give one better number.
Tease Pitt to +10.5, there’s damn near an impossible chance the Steelers lose by more than a TD IF they lose.
Second team to tease that with…Cincinatti Bengals are playing the Titans who just lost their first game because Stephen Gostkowski is trying a hybrid impression of Scott Norwood and Ray Finkle. But as we know Tennessee can put up points: Over 4/5 of late and 10/15 against AFC. Slingin’ Joe Burrow is backdooring more teams than anyone at a truck rest stop. He’s 2nd in the league in pass plays but They’re 5-1 ATS of late but also over in 8/11 and 4/5 over at home. But the Bengals are banged up on the offensive line. I think the Bengals put up enough points but the Titans take out their frustrations on a putrid Bengals defense.
2nd half of the teaser Titans over 47.5 and feel free to tease the Titans down to -1 with something else.
The Giants lost their Will and Will Hernandez to Covid. The Giants are 1-8 ATS at home, amazing they’re better on the road than home as they’re 4-2 ATS out of last 6. Giants are 4-1 ATS as a dog but I just don’t see Brady and company with a top 5 defense having trouble with the Giants. Giants are a bottom 10 defense. Tampa 4-2 ATS of late and 5-1 SU. TB 1-6-1 ATS in NY and 1-7 SU but those numbers go back to Winston for TB and Eli for all but 1 game for Tampa. Let’s cut that deficit in half by…
Teasing TB to -6.5 and the second half of the teaser is…
The team I hate most in professional sports. And buyer beware because ever time I bet these dildos, they fuck me. But by gawd, King. If the Eagles CAN’T beat the WORST defense with a THIRD STRING QB, Carson Wentz needs to anally impale themselves. The Eagles managed to undo a Giants 11 point lead last thursday. And you might as well as bet the Giants to blow that lead like you would bet Seth Rogen’s next movie is going to be about an awkward person that’s Jewish. Eagles are 5-1 SU against the NFC east which helps the cause. Dallas has given up on McCarthy and lost the locker room. Dallas 0-7 ATS of late and 0-5 ATS on the road. You gotta think the pass rush is going to get Dallas to turn the ball over because Dallas has already done so 16 times this year.
The line has skyrocketed so I teased Philly down to -5
Seattle -2.5– 5 full quarters on the road sunday night but playing an insanely banged up SF offense. Seattle 4-2 ATS of late, 5-1 SU. 12-4 SU at home and 8-1 SU home against SF. SF 4-14 ATS in Seattle but 6-1 ATS in road.
A few more candidates to tease or play:
Rams under 45.5- Tua’s first start and it’s hot as hell tomorrow. Rams under 4/5 and 5/7 on the year. Miami 4/6 under vs the Rams and under 4/6. Miami D 2nd in yds per point.
Guttentag! I’m back from Vegas after a 5-3 weekend: hitting Denver under, Packers, Vikings under, Pats under, and Baltimore. Lost the KC under, Dal/Sea teaser (Dalton throw for over 400 yds in Seattle???), and Denver. This year, we’re still doing the picks with the Cookie Monster on Facebook but I’m not giving you all of my picks. I’ll give you some of the ones I really like but I’m saving those for the Patreon account. Yes, I’ve sold out because A) We need seed money to promote Fantasy Football Jibber Jabber and B) I was 61% against the spread last year. I made you a lot of money last year, why the hell can’t I get paid for my services? So for $50 a week, you get my locks of the week. And that money goes right back into Fantasy Football Jibber Jabber. If you want fantasy football advice or we’ll do your DFS game, here is the link for the Patreon info: https://www.patreon.com/fantaryfootballjibberjabber
Venmo me @Kevin-Gootee $50 and I’ll give you my locks of the week. I’ll post the screenshot of my picks from previous week so you can verify that I’m telling the truth. And here are 3 picks I’m liking this week.
Cluster injuries for Chargers. Derwin James out, Mike Williams is a ?, Russel Okun out, and Hunter Henry is out. Chargers 2-4 SU in Det. West coast team coming east for a 1pm game after playing OT on Sunday. Houston 11-4 SU in last 15, 4-1 SU home vs Jax, Jax 1-4 ATS, 2-11 SU, 2-8 SU vs Hou, 1-4 SU in Hou. Detroit also played to a tie against Arizona. Not happy if you’re a Lions fan but happy if you have AZ under 5 for the year as I do! Backup QB Gardner Minshew (perfect name for a yacht club or rowing crew guy) is back under center after looking respectful, albeit against a porous KC defense. Houston just coming off a monday night heartbreaker after losing via the last second field goal shall come home and rebound. If they can’t win by 2 or more, they should bring in Dr Watson from Sherlock Holmes and fire Deshaun Watson.
Teaser: 7 point teaser Houston down to -2 and Detroit +9.5
Because Sam Darnold must have licked a subway pole to get mono or he’s making out with women on the Hampton Jitney, I’m taking the Brownies. If Baker Mayfield wants to earn some of that hype, he better win and cover after getting blown out. Some stats to back up my argument. Jets are 2-8-1 in last 11 and 1-10 SU. Jets 4-11-1 vs AFC. Jets 6/9 under VS Cle and 6/9 in September and 4/6 on a Monday. Just remember, all Odell Beckham Jr has to do is take that 350k watch and reflect the stadium lights into the eyes of the CB in front of him.
Cle -6.5.
Atlanta is 9-1 SU in week 2 games. Big fact. Atlanta got embarrassed last week against Minnesota (had the under, you’re welcome) and now they’re home. Yes 2-5 at home and 2-7 ATS but the Eagles lost Malik Jackson and rallied to beat the Skins. BUT PHILLY JUST LET CASE KEENUM THROW FOR 385 YDS AGAINST THEM. Teasing up the Falcons to 8 is a key number and I highly doubt they lose by more than a TD. Denver up to 8.5 because who knows the Bears better than Vic Fangio? Den 6-0 SU vs NFC north. Trubisky in Denver? No thank you.
There are moments in your life where you catch such fire, you feel like an immortal Highlander. You CAN’T lose. You’re playing blackjack and have a 5 way split, all with double downs. The dealer busts. EUPHORIA. You’re playing poker and get hit the nut flush on the river and your opponent shoves all in. SPIKE OF ADRENALINE. You can’t call fast enough. You’re in a Vegas club, meet a 10, and she can’t even wait to get back to your room…she wants to fuck in the elevator. YOU CAN’T SEND OUT A BRAGGING GROUP TEXT TO YOUR BUDDIES FAST ENOUGH. Then, like Robert DeNiro tells Al Pacino in the amazing film, Heat. “There’s a flip side to this coin.” You’re at that same blackjack table, draw to 19, and the dealer draws 7 to 21. COLD PANG OF DESPAIR. You’re at that same poker table, hit a straight, and shove all in. As you announce straight, your opponent says, “To what?” And then shows the higher straight. ACHING FEELING IN THE BALLS. You’re in that same club in Vegas, meet a 7 in a club, go back to your room and wake up the following morning and then remember how you raw dogged. Oh yeah what were those mysterious bumps down there?? COLD SHIVERS UP YOUR BUTTHOLE.
And that’s what the last 2 weeks have been for me. 5-10 in the last 2 weeks, including last night’s New Orleans under 60 win. Now, I’m 40-34 for 54% YTD. Jesus Christ, I was 59% a few weeks ago at a tally of 35-24.
Let’s see if we can get off the slide and so far, we’re looking good at a 1-0 start for the week. BTW, go out right now and get a New Orleans Saints to win the Super Bowl at +250. Lowest number on the board for the sole reason of THEY’RE GOING TO WIN THE SUPERBOWL. Drew Brees is going to go out on top and he has an alright defense for once. No one is coming into that dome and knocking them off.
Week 12, here we go. Diiiiiicks out.
Lock of the week is:
I know I said on Fantasy Football Jibber Jabber this week (Yep, I’ll shoehorn a plug in for my show.)
that my lock of the week is the Carolina over 46.5. I still kind of like the call but I like Carolina -3 a lot more. Why? Carolina is 14th against the run but 24th against the pass. Panthers are the 3rd best running team in the NFL. Seattle defense isn’t that great against the run, 20th in the NFL but 6th vs the pass. So logic dictates that Carolina is going to be running the ball more, therefore eating more clock up. Also, this is the typical “west coast team flying to play a 1pm game.” The Seahawks have gone 5/6 under of late and Seattle plays to the under 5/6 in Carolina. More stats? Sure, you’re not paying for this curated info. Seattle is 2-4 ATS in Carolina, 1-3-1 against Carolina. And at home, Carolina is a whole new animal, 4-1 ATS. I could still make an argument for the O/U as it’s low-ish at 47.5 but I feel more comfortable putting my money on (and I did) with
Taking Carolina -3
The Giants under was one of the 5 losses I had. And who could blame me? When was the last time the Giants dropped 30 on anyone? When Obama was president. When it was still ok to be a straight white guy. When you could fly on an airplane without getting your ass whooped or your pets killed. Don’t look now but that’s 2 straight overs for the Giants. Scored 38 and 27 points in their last 2 and now facing a completely decimated Eagles secondary? Sign me up. Barkley almost had 100 rushing on top of his over 100 receiving. Beckham with 3 TDs in his last 2 games. The Eagles just finished wiping the Saints’s jizz off from all over their asses from last Sunday. The only problem is that Philly has always been a house of horrors for the Giants. Giants are 1-5 SU in Philly, 2-4 ATS. Good news: Giants are 5/5 over against Garbage Town, USA. Although they’re 6/8 under in Philly and Philly itself is 4/5 under, I think they put up points. And 47 is low for today’s NFL. Doesn’t take a Gootee to figure out where this is going:
Giants over 47. And you also may want to invest in the Giants team total and go over that. That Eagles D is DECIMATED. Also took Barkley OVER 53.5 receiving yds and Giants team total OVER 21.5
Like a woman who goes home with a dude after grinding on him for 2 hours in Vegas, I don’t normally do this. I haven’t taken a teaser in EASILY 7 years but good ol’ Steve Fezzik makes a great point. No better way to take 2 teams that are laying 7 or 7.5 points with a 6 point swing and get them down to less than a FG. I took Dallas down to -1 and they covered with ease. Second half of the teaser, Indy -1.5 Who’s hotter than Andrew Luck right now? Emily Ratajkowski. Goddamn, she could wear a Queen Victoria dress as well as a newspaper boy hat while sporting a Mike Tyson face tattoo. I’d still be harder than a shark’s tooth. Miami is 1-9 ATS on the road, 2-5 of late. Fins are 2-4 playing Indy but oddly enough, they’re 7-1 in the land of Applebees VIPs. But the Dolphins are getting Tannehill back and who can figure out if that’s a good thing or a bad thing? The Dolphins have Davante Parker and Danny Amendola listed as questionable, making Kenny Stills the only healthy receiver. Colts are 4-1 SU of late and 4-2 SU at home. I’m only laying 1.5 with the teaser so that’s as SU as you can get.
Teased Dallas to -1 and Indy to -1.5
Another team that completely singed my scrotum last week was the Minnesota Vikings. God, this team has been all over the place this year and you may be wondering when is the safe time to bet them. My answer? Definitely not in the playoffs but I think this Sunday is a good time. Here’s why. They just got smoked by a division rival who’s on the way up and in comes another division rival who is on the way down. Green Bay is 10.5 points WORSE on the road than home, which makes them #32 in the NFL, THE WORST IN THE LEAGUE. Let’s also mention that Aaron Rodgers is below .500 on the road. Lastly, it’s blatantly obvious that the Packers are quitting on McCarthy and he may not make it till the end of the year. If they lose this week, he could be gone monday. And I bet Seattle last week home against the Pack, laying 2.5 points. The number closed at 3 and ended up pushing. And that’s why it’s perfectly ok to take a number IMMEDIATELY if you like it instead of waiting till Sunday. Vikings at home: 36-16-2 ATS under Mike Zimmer and and even bigger sample size, 47-23 ATS at home. Bottom line, Vikings are 72% ATS at home, the second best team at home ATS is the Patriots at 56%. One more oddball stat: Vikings are 36-15-1 on field turf. I’m sure they have a stat about playing on a cross bluegrass, Kentucky bluegrass, featherbed bent, and northern California sinsemilla. BANG! Another Caddyshack reference makes the column.
Jump on the Vikings -3 as it’s probably headed back to -3.5
And now for words that usually don’t make people money. I like the Buffalo Bills this week. I’ll hold for laughter. Done? One more? Sure, go ahead, I need to pee anyway. Ok, I’m back. You’re good? Cool. Last time we saw the Bills, they completely set ablaze my 1st half under 17.5 bet at the Jets 2 weeks ago. Now they’re home, after a bye, against a team who completely dominated the Steelers for 57:30 and then lost late. They’ve lost 5 straight. A warm weather team going up to play inside one of the coldest places, Lena Dunham’s vagina. Jax 0-3-2 of late ATS, 3-5-1 on the road. Blake Bortles (second best gay porno name) is just putrid on the road, 5 TDs and 6 INTs. Jax averaging 17 PPG on the road. So we know they can’t pass, what about Fournette being back? Whoopedy-doo. Buffalo is the 10th best rushing D in the NFL and the 3rd best in the last 3 weeks. I love big defenses getting points at home. Why is Jacksonsville giving a shit about this game? No one else will…except me and the others who bet…
So fall is here and dudes who have been caught cheating on their wives are forced to go apple picking will be missing on some quality football this weekend. Key message: Don’t get caught and use a burner phone. Last weekend was interesting to say this least. I ended up taking Car under, Pats over, Jacksonville, GB, and AZ under this past weekend. That puts me at 4-3 for the week, not bad. 10-9 on the year. This week, there aren’t many games that I’m liking. Hence why there aren’t as many picks.
I’m breaking my own rule with my first pick which is NEVER bet on the NY Giants, except the under. But goddamnit, they covered last week and could’ve won. I just can’t see them going to Tamp-er (Mike Francesa voice) and losing 4 straight, ok? This team probably jelled too late to make the playoffs but they’re too good to be THIS bad. They’ve always done well in TB, TB is banged up, and they’ll be a ton of Giants fans there too. And they’re getting 3 points? Please. They’ve been getting beat up in the press all week so they’re going to come out fired up.
Take the Gmen +3
I’m liking the Broncos because they A) are at home B) are coming off a loss and C) are 8-3 ATS vs Oakland. I know Oakland does well on the road (10-4 ATS) but they didn’t last week in Washington. Denver is 8-3-1 at home and I like them to bounce back. You’re laying 3 which isn’t a big deal. Would it surprise me if there was a push? Not one bit.
Take Denver -3
Dallas played monday night and looked sluggish to start but finished nicely to take down the Cardinals. But not before they gave me a heart attack as I had the under with the Cardinals driving late. Thankfully, Bruce Arians coaches well as Asians have manners when it comes to getting onto subways. The Rams have had 10 days off after their Thursday offensive explosion to plan for Dallas. Dallas D is banged up and the Rams D is nothing special. Both teams can put up points and believe it or not, Goff is the 3rd rated QB in the NFL. He’s already thrown as many TD as he has all of last year. Expect points…I am.
Take Dallas over 48.5
I kind of like Cincy -3 and SD -2 but not betting them. Can see it going that way though.
I love the summer, absolutely adore it. Nothing more sad than seeing that first leaf change to a bright yellow. Having that first chilling evening or morning. Seeing the sun set by 8pm. A shitty stream of films in the theater. But, there’s just one redeeming thing about the fall. Football is back. Which means I go back to Vegas for the week 1 games and as you’re reading this, I’m there now. And I’m probably drunk, like 85% of the time. I have a couple of gigs when I’m out there, at the Sapphire club and Southpointe Casino so if you’re in town, come check out my bits.
But before I get into them, I’d be remiss if I didn’t promote that my brainchild, “Comics Watching Comics,” is now up on Amazon Video! Go binge Season 1 and tell me what you think! Also, Comics Watching Comics T shirts are available for $20 which includes shipping. Contact me on how to get your S-XL shirt
Here are the picks for week 1:
I’m writing this article as the Chiefs/Pats game is going on. I just can’t see how the Pats are going to open the season, at home, raising the Super Bowl banner (great job of choking, you piece of shit Falcons. Although I did hit the over, thank you!) and NOT cover the spread. Pats are 8/8 ATS extending from last year and KC is 2-4 ATS in NE. They blew an EARLY chance to go up at LEAST 10-0 and even 14-0 but a bad play call from Bellichek on 4th and 1 squashed that notion. But the Chiefs just took a big dump on the Pats and winning outright. So I just lost:
The Patriots -9
The Eagles went out and spent big money to have arguably the second best trio of WRs in the NFL. See NY Giants trio, #1. You know what they didn’t spend money on? Defense. And charm school for their fans. That accent and their manners would make Mr. Belvedere turn beet red. You know who else went out and spent a lot of money on a top WR? Washington with Terelle Pryor. And for now, they have a healthy Jordan Reed and very solid Jameson Crowder. You know what they didn’t spend money on? Defense. Washington has a good running game to compliment their aerial attack. This game is going to be a scoring bonanza. Washington hit the over at home 8/10. When both teams played each other in the last 3, 3 times they hit the over. Good enough for me
Philly over 48
I believe in sports karma, especially when there’s a natural disaster. Bet the farm on a team who the nation rallies for, especially when they’re home. And when said team is playing against Blake Bortles, well even Blake Bortle’s parents won’t be able to convince me that their little boy is going to go in Houston and bust that spread. Here is a nice stat going back to last year: Houston is 8-2-1 against division opponents. Did I mention it’s Blake Bortles on the road? Thought so.
Lock of the week is Hou -5.5
Cincinnati has a solid defense. Joe Flacco was banged up all preseason and has a handful of practices under his belt. Their defense is putrid. Cincy has a nice stable of RBs and of course, AJ Green. This is more of an anti-Ravens pick. Bengals are 7-2-1 in Sept and fun fact, Cincy has hit the under in their last 4 in a row. Ravens also hit the under 4/5 in their division.
Cincy -3 and maybe under 42 as a bonus
I already locked in my Giants the second Elliot was suspended because I was afraid the line would drop. Would you believe that son of a bitch is going to play week 1 and the line actually dropped? Odell Beckham Jr is still a game time decision. I think the Giants D is too much for them yet again. They stopped Elliot and Dez cold in their tracks the last 2 times they played and if they were to lose, I don’t think they’re going to lose by more than 3. And history backs that up as the Giants are 4-0-1 ATS in their last 5. Good thing I locked in at 3.5
Giants +3.5
Tennessee is everyone’s early darling and I’m all in on Mariota and Murray in 2 leagues. Oakland could’ve made a deep run but Carr snapped his leg late last season. I like Tennessee but the numbers for Oakland on the road back them up more. But you know what I like in this game? Points. Neither defense sends shivers up my butthole. Raiders 8/11 with the over.
Raiders over 50
The daytime Emmy awards should also cover sports. Because whoever are the announcers are for the Rams/Colts game will put on the best performance of the year when you hear, “RAMS…COLTS! NEXT ON FOX!” Andrew Luck is out. Frank Gore is as old as Woody Allan. Their defense is gonna get washed over like a Puerto Rico during Hurricane Irma. But not this Sunday because new coach or not, the Rams aren’t doing much. And we know the Colts don’t have much going on. So this is an easy one.
Rams under 42
Lastly, I just think Phil Rivers and the San Diego, whoops. Los Angeles…SUPER CHARGERS. Does’t have that same ring, does it? Well blame yourselves, San Diego fans. I get it, the weather is great. The women are hot. So much to do. But shit, it’s only 8 home games a year to support your team. Let’s look at some numbers: SD 10-4 ATS on the road. Broncos are 3-8-1 home against SD. And oh yeah, Trevor Simian is the Den QB. And if he goes down, who’s up next? Brock Osweiller who’s making a kajillion dollars to sit the bench. The last time I saw a heist that big, Henry Hill was listening to 1010 WINS in the shower, having a laugh.
Gimme the Chargers +3.5
I kinda like Pitt -8, the Vikings and the under 48 as well on sunday night but don’t know if I’m going to bet them. Just some food for thought.
Finally, a winning week last week. This guy went 5-2 and took the Giants under to close out a successful week. I did take the under of thursday night’s Niners game. Fucking 7-7 at the half and then those 2 teams decided to have an offensive orgy, handing me a loss. Oh well, let’s get to the picks this week.
As my friend Paul says, “I’m taking the Vikings until someone scores more than 14 points against them.” And I just don’t see any fault in his logic. I wanted to bet the Vikes on monday night but that’s just bad form betting against your own team. Would’ve been right, that’s for sure. Vikes are at Houston and I don’t see Brock Osweiler deciding to stop throwing INTs. The line is -6.5 so if you can sneak in before the line goes to -7, I advise you do so. Sam Bradford is playing fantastically and is due for a stinker but not against a JJ Watt-less defense.
I’m taking the Vikings -6.5
You’re going to see a theme now so let’s see if you dum-dums can figure it out:
Tennessee is in Miami after Hurricane Matthew ravaged that coastline. The temperature is a balmy 86 degrees so that game is going on unaffected. The weather is the only thing that town has going for them. Miami is garbage, they barely beat the Browns for their only win of the year. Tannehill is so awful that Brian Griese is shaking his head in disgust. Tennessee is decent and they’re getting 3. I’m applying Paul’s logic here: until Miami beats somebody besides the Browns, I’m going against them.
I’m taking the Titans +3
The aforementioned NY football Giants have played uninspiring football the last 2 weeks. Eli’s house of horrors has always been Minnesota and they flat out gave away the game to Washington. I’m a stats guy and the Giants OWN Green Bay. Home, away, neutral site, or hell, even in Ecuador. Packers haven’t been that good either. My lock of the week was GB -6.5 2 weeks ago and Detroit roared back in garbage time to cut the lead to 7…in Lambeau. GB is off an early bye but Sam Shields is out. This should be OBJ’s coming out party unless he turns into a weeping mess if someone gets into his head. You may want to take the Giants on the money line and really capitalize but the line is -7. Giants needs to get off their ass and dial up the pass rush, you hear me Spagnuolo? We bought all of these guys in the off season, let’s utilize them for what they do best.
I’m taking the Giants +7
Baltimore hasn’t beaten anyone by more than 3 points all year. The Skins can put up points and the Bal D isn’t scaring anyone. The line is Bal -3.5 and the Skins have looked good since coming back against my Giants. Rivalry game and I think the Skins play them tight and may possibly win.
I’m taking the Skins +3.5
The Colts suck. The Colts sucked against Jacksonville in London last week. Hope you listened to me and took the over! The Colts are coming back home and passed on an early bye. The Colts defense sucks; they’ve given up 30+ points in each of their losses. The Bears aren’t an offensive juggernaut either but have been better with Hoyer under center. Jordan Howard had a nice game last week and no reason he can’t run against a garbage front 7 of the Colts. I think the Bears play this tight and Indy coming straight home after London without a bye should not bode well for the Colts.
I’m taking the Bears +4.5
I’ll see Hillary Clinton’s penis before I see the Chargers and Raiders play solid defense. SD without their top corner and gosh, does it matter? This is going to be a shootout and that’s that.
As I’ve said before, this summer for films BLOW. I’ll wait for Sausage Party, Suicide Squad, and Jason Bourne to hit video or stream online. Same for Hands of Stone or Don’t Breathe. I’m so glad Ben Hur failed miserably as Hollywood MUST be getting the memo that we’re SICK of rebooting good films. So let’s talk Fantasy Football which we’re right in the midst of draft time.
I do 3 drafts a year and all my friends know, I draft best available player. I’m also a fan of value, nothing better than getting a solid player later than a round or 2 later than he was expected to go. So I’ll share with you my teams and we can cheer/mock my picks:
League 1. Team Name: Hope Solo’s Goop Chute. If you don’t get that reference, google Hope Solo naked selfies. And make sure you aren’t eating at that time.
I had the 3rd pick overall and went with my boy OBJ. He’s gonna crush it as the Giants have the best schedule against poorly ranked CBs.
2nd rd: Mark Ingram. He’s the Saints guy now and Drew Brees can’t throw 80 times a game.
3rd rd: Amari Cooper. Oak as the 2nd best schedule against poorly ranked CBs.
4th rd: Denarius Thomas. Don’t care they don’t have a QB, whomever is at the helm will do their damnedest to get him the ball. And he’s my THIRD WR. Wow…
5th rd: Dion Lewis. Drafted him 6 hours before the news came down he’s going to be out 10 weeks…oops
6th rd: Donte Moncrief. TY Hilton is not Reggie Wayne nor Marvin Harrison. Nice 4th WR/Flex
7th rd: Frank Gore. Yes, a bit of a gamble as he’s 34. But he’s VERY durable and he’s my number 2 back. If he gets me 7 TDs on the season, mission accomplished.
8th rd: Tom Brady. Goddamnit, I hate the Patriots. But he’s going to be in full, “Fuck you” Or “Bobby Bowden mid-late 90’s Florida State running up the score” Mode. I’m getting great value for him here. I’m missing 4 games (5 with the bye) with Brady so all I have to do is get to week 4 at least 2-2 and I’ll be good to go.
9th rd: Danny Woodhead. Did you you see Melvin Gordon last year? I did because I had that shitsipper. Here’s me snaking the guy who took Melvin Gordon
10th rd: Willie Snead. If you missed it, Drew Brees throws…a lot. I know he spreads it around but he’s my 5th WR and he can easily get 6 TDs this year. The problem will be he’ll get 3 of them in 1 week while he’s on my bench.
11th rd: Travis Benjamin: Phillip Rivers doesn’t win Superbowls but he sure throws it a lot. It’s nice to have a #2 WR on a team that airs it out…
12th rd: Sammie Coates: Crushing it in training camp and will boot Markus Wheaton out of the #2 WR role.
13th Rd: Bilal Powell. Matt Forte is old and banged up. Not saying Powell is the answer but he sure is a nice bye week fill-in.
14th rd: Devontae Booker. Love this pick as CJ Anderson BLOWS. Ronnie Hillman took away a ton of his carries and Booker has almost usurped Hillman on the depth chart.
15th rd: RG3. Go ahead and laugh. But I’m not and here’s why. Like I said, I need him for the first 4 weeks and a bye week. Here’s Griffin’s first 4 games: @Philly (garbage defense), Home Baltimore (not a great D), @Miami (garbage defense), and @washington (Garbage defense and let’s not forget the “revenge against the team who cut them” factor.
16th rd: Dwayne Allen. The rule of thumb when drafting a TE is if you don’t get a top tiered one like Gronk, Olsen, Reed, or Kelce…you wait. And wait I did. No Coby Fleener so no more sharing catches.
17th rd: Lions D. My last 2 picks will ALWAYS be kicker and defense…except last night where I clicked the wrong guy and drafted a kicker in the 3rd to last rd.
18th rd: Mike Nugent.
And there you have it so comment away on my draft. I think my only notable weakness it my number 2 RB but then again, not many people have 2 solid RBs. I do have 3 NASTY WRs and a solid bench. You can make the case that until I get Brady back, QB is weak too. I’ll buy that…I’LL BUY THAT. But I think RG3 answers all the naysayers and is at LEAST competitive. If not, start looking for a string of RG3 car washes in the Cleveland/DC Metro/Baylor areas….
Kevin Gootee 