NFL Picks week 6

3-4 last week, first losing week since week 1.  Bad week but not “new Wu-Tang album: bad.  

Tangent: Jesus, it’s like the Wu Tang doesn’t even try anymore.  We can all admit ODB was the glue that held them together, right?  Their solo works are fine but as a group; it’s like one leg of Devastor (Transformers reference.  I could’ve made a Voltron reference but I have standards. Sorry, not sorry, you commoners) is missing and he moves like a kid with polio trying to dance without his braces.  I know we all wish for our bands to reunite that have broken up due to death or hatred for other bandmates.  Sometimes you  can recapture the lightning in the bottle like Stone Temple Pilots, Alice in Chains, or Dead Kennedys.  But be careful what you wish for because you can easily get Guns N Roses with Buckethead, Misfits with Jerry Only as the lead singer, Van Halen with Gary Cherone, or Motley Crue with John Corabi

Here’s why gambling is both great and willing to give you a coronary at a moment’s notice.  I took the Minnesota under, 44, on monday night.  What’s the score at the half?  3-2.  Yep, you read that right.  30 minutes later I check again, they are 30 points in the game.  WHAT?? Look again 5 minutes later, 37 total points with 10 minutes left.  Jesus Christ, I could lose this game.  Then Chicago and the Vikings go back doing what they do best, do their best to get their coaches fired and not score.  The under hits, and your hero closes the loss margin to end the week.

This week is so chock full of huge spreads that Meredith Markovits may bust in like the Kool Aid man and start emptying trays down her horse face.  Taking a favorite with a big spread is like fucking without a rubber in the dark.  There are times where you catch pocket aces and get lucky with a good looking lady but more often than not; you get caught with a Lena Dunham lookalike who has a vicious case of anal warts.  So buyer beware on the big spreads and you better be damn sure that you want to lay double digits.  Let’s get to the picks!

My favorite team is the NY Giants and let’s call it how we see it.  I’ll see more life in Terry Schaivo than I will the Giants in Denver.  Let’s see who’s out: their star WR who does his best Simon Phoenix impression.  Hair, not bad ass-ness.  Their bi-polar WR and their slot WR.  Oh yeah, the center, starting LB and DE too.  And you think they’re going to come into Denver with a offense that makes the kids at an all Jewish school look like the 2000 St Louis Rams score points?  I don’t.  I know I just read you the riot act about taking big spreads (See, a literary curveball!) but when the obvious is right in your face like Hillary Clinton’s awful laugh, take the wallet out!  The Giants aren’t scoring and if they do, it’s because Goodell implemented a mercy rule overnight.  Denver is off the bye and oh yeah, 10-3-1 ATS.  And Den has hit been under in 4/6 at home. Denver could run this shit up and hit the over themselves so be careful about the under.  Lay the points and hope Mcadoo gets run over by the Denver Bronco horse.

I love Den -11.5 and kind of like the under at 39.  

The Rams travel to the white trash venus trap known as Jacksonville.  The Rams had 4 trips to the red zone last week vs Seattle to walk away with just 3 points and even had a chance to win in the last minute.  I say they gain redemption as the Jags are 2-5 at home ATS.  Rams are 6-2 SU in their last 8 and that bodes well as they’re getting 2.5 in Jax.

Take the Rams +2.5

The Patriots have had 10 days off to prep after they barely beat TB.  And the most dangerous thing the Pats can have is time to do is prep.  Oh yeah, Gronk is back too. The Jets are playing well and the Pats D is still rhino poop.  I can’t figure out if the Pats are gonna cover but I can tell you that they’ll be points a plenty.  

Take the Pats over 48

The Saints are back home from a bye after winning a stinkaroo in London against the Dolphins.  The Saints are 5-0 ATS after a bye and won 10 straight in October.  They’re 5-2 ATS vs Detroit.  Stafford is a bit banged up and Detroit doesn’t put up points on the road.  Don’t be a hero, just win money.  This is going to be as easy as betting on Harvey Weinstein vs a plant.

Take the Saints -4.5

Lastly, the Bucs travel to play a Cardinals team who looks as uninspiring as a new Amy Schumer special.  Bucs have had 10 days to prep after shitting the bed against the Pats (Again, fuck you Nick Folk) to play a Cardinals team that’s 1-5 ATS at home.  Winston and the boys look to avenge the beating they got last year in the desert so look for redemption.

Take the Bucs -1.5

 

Week 5 NFL picks ATS

Anyone have the Chiefs or the over on Monday night?  I hope you take your profitable asses and stick your heads in a blender.  Cause I put up 145 in fantasy football last week and LOST because the guy I played had the fucking KC defense.  On a fucking backwards pass.  On the last play of the game.  Boy, imagine if you had Washington and the under?  You were EASILY counting that money and buying shit on Amazon or double ended dildos, just as a gag gift to sword fight with your buddies.  Next thing you know, you got dildos in the mail which reminds you how you royally got fucked in the ass.  This HAS to go in the gambling hall of fame story as the luckiest bet/baddest beat ever.  

I mentioned profitable above and that’s the perfect description that fits me last week.  Your boy only had 3 picks but guess what?  All 3 were WINNERS.  I did take TB and the under this week.  The under on cruise control but let’s talk about TB.  Cameron Brate dropped a TD that went right into his belly.  3 plays later, missed FG by Nick “Cuntface” Folk.  He missed THREE FGs, which makes me wish a colony of fire ants takes residency in his urethra.  Bucs score late, giving me the backdoor cover.  Great…until they don’t get the onside kick and Gostkowski pulls his anti-Cuntface Folk impression by drilling a 48 yarder.  Lose by .5, awesome.  So we start this week at 1-1 and let’s go to the videotape!

Every year, there’s a team that you just hold onto because they do nothing but cover or hit the over/under.  Last year was my NY Giants under.  This year for me are the St Louis Rams.  They’re 2-2 ATS but 3-0-1 on the over.  Rams are 5/6 on the over and 4/5 at home.  Seattle are 4/5 on the road.  Seattle finally found their offensive groove against the Colts and the Rams are just lighting up the boards.  Seattle D still isn’t what it was and the Rams can score.  I’m debating about taking the Rams -1.5 because Seattle is 0-5 ATS on the road.  Also, 3-7 ATS when playing the Rams.  And that goes back to Dog Dick Jeff Fisher coaching them.  Why is it -1.5 when the Rams are home?  Shitty home crowd?  Overreaction from the bookies?  This opened at a pick em and I’m sure that the public is going to drive up the price.  

I like the Rams -1.5 but I LOVE the over at 46

Dallas lost at home last week (Good, fuck them and their bandwagon fans.  And oh yeah, Rams over hit last week.  No need for flowers, just send a cut of your winnings) and now GB comes into town.  GB with 10 days to prep and Davantae Adams passed concussion protocol.  Who do I think will win?  I think Dallas gets redemption but will I be laying hard earned dollars on them?  Probably not being that Dal is 3-8 ATS and 2-6 at home.  ESPECIALLY against with Rodgers and 10 days off.  What does that mean to me?  POINTS.  Lots of them.  53 is the number, no problem.

Take GB over 53

What wins by KC and Hou last week.  Houston destroyed the Titans so badly that Denzel won’t be able to remember them.  KC is very good and they’re in Houston this week.  How good is KC?  Good but not good enough to go undefeated.  The Texans are 9-2 SU at home so why does that matter?  The game is a pick ’em.  I think the Texans are rolling and have something special.  KC played Monday night so we’ll see if they’re lacking a little.  It’s time for their first loss and Hou is just moving right along.

Take the Texans at a pick ’em

I’m not feeling as strong about these next picks but kind of like them:

I hate betting the Eagles because A) I hate that town and B) Every time I bet them, they fuck me.  But goddamnit, Arizona is checking a LOT of boxes this week: Carson Palmer is the most sacked QB.  AZ cannot run the ball.  AZ also playing an East Coast team at 1pm.  And AZ just lost their best LB, Golden, to injury.  Zona 1-4 ATS in their last 5.  Philly 5-2 in their last 7 ATS and 6-3 at home.  And I have them as my suicide pool pick this week.  Watch them lose 27-21 at fuck me twice but man, they have to cover for me one of these days.  

Take the Eagles quickly at -6.5 before it goes up.

The experts are saying Baltimore is so bad that they’re taking the Raiders with EJ Manuel as QB.  I’d rather have Emmanuel Lewis as my QB than him.  I just cannot see the Ravens who have been smoked 2 straight weeks losing for a 3rd.  And you’re getting 2.5 points with the Ravens?  Boy, this is a statement game when you’re facing a banged Raiders o-line?  

Take the Ravens +2.5 and cross your fingers.  If it gets to 3 or more, I’ll take them.