There are moments in your life where you catch such fire, you feel like an immortal Highlander. You CAN’T lose. You’re playing blackjack and have a 5 way split, all with double downs. The dealer busts. EUPHORIA. You’re playing poker and get hit the nut flush on the river and your opponent shoves all in. SPIKE OF ADRENALINE. You can’t call fast enough. You’re in a Vegas club, meet a 10, and she can’t even wait to get back to your room…she wants to fuck in the elevator. YOU CAN’T SEND OUT A BRAGGING GROUP TEXT TO YOUR BUDDIES FAST ENOUGH. Then, like Robert DeNiro tells Al Pacino in the amazing film, Heat. “There’s a flip side to this coin.” You’re at that same blackjack table, draw to 19, and the dealer draws 7 to 21. COLD PANG OF DESPAIR. You’re at that same poker table, hit a straight, and shove all in. As you announce straight, your opponent says, “To what?” And then shows the higher straight. ACHING FEELING IN THE BALLS. You’re in that same club in Vegas, meet a 7 in a club, go back to your room and wake up the following morning and then remember how you raw dogged. Oh yeah what were those mysterious bumps down there?? COLD SHIVERS UP YOUR BUTTHOLE.
And that’s what the last 2 weeks have been for me. 5-10 in the last 2 weeks, including last night’s New Orleans under 60 win. Now, I’m 40-34 for 54% YTD. Jesus Christ, I was 59% a few weeks ago at a tally of 35-24.
Let’s see if we can get off the slide and so far, we’re looking good at a 1-0 start for the week. BTW, go out right now and get a New Orleans Saints to win the Super Bowl at +250. Lowest number on the board for the sole reason of THEY’RE GOING TO WIN THE SUPERBOWL. Drew Brees is going to go out on top and he has an alright defense for once. No one is coming into that dome and knocking them off.
Week 12, here we go. Diiiiiicks out.
Lock of the week is:
I know I said on Fantasy Football Jibber Jabber this week (Yep, I’ll shoehorn a plug in for my show.)
that my lock of the week is the Carolina over 46.5. I still kind of like the call but I like Carolina -3 a lot more. Why? Carolina is 14th against the run but 24th against the pass. Panthers are the 3rd best running team in the NFL. Seattle defense isn’t that great against the run, 20th in the NFL but 6th vs the pass. So logic dictates that Carolina is going to be running the ball more, therefore eating more clock up. Also, this is the typical “west coast team flying to play a 1pm game.” The Seahawks have gone 5/6 under of late and Seattle plays to the under 5/6 in Carolina. More stats? Sure, you’re not paying for this curated info. Seattle is 2-4 ATS in Carolina, 1-3-1 against Carolina. And at home, Carolina is a whole new animal, 4-1 ATS. I could still make an argument for the O/U as it’s low-ish at 47.5 but I feel more comfortable putting my money on (and I did) with
Taking Carolina -3
The Giants under was one of the 5 losses I had. And who could blame me? When was the last time the Giants dropped 30 on anyone? When Obama was president. When it was still ok to be a straight white guy. When you could fly on an airplane without getting your ass whooped or your pets killed. Don’t look now but that’s 2 straight overs for the Giants. Scored 38 and 27 points in their last 2 and now facing a completely decimated Eagles secondary? Sign me up. Barkley almost had 100 rushing on top of his over 100 receiving. Beckham with 3 TDs in his last 2 games. The Eagles just finished wiping the Saints’s jizz off from all over their asses from last Sunday. The only problem is that Philly has always been a house of horrors for the Giants. Giants are 1-5 SU in Philly, 2-4 ATS. Good news: Giants are 5/5 over against Garbage Town, USA. Although they’re 6/8 under in Philly and Philly itself is 4/5 under, I think they put up points. And 47 is low for today’s NFL. Doesn’t take a Gootee to figure out where this is going:
Giants over 47. And you also may want to invest in the Giants team total and go over that. That Eagles D is DECIMATED. Also took Barkley OVER 53.5 receiving yds and Giants team total OVER 21.5
Like a woman who goes home with a dude after grinding on him for 2 hours in Vegas, I don’t normally do this. I haven’t taken a teaser in EASILY 7 years but good ol’ Steve Fezzik makes a great point. No better way to take 2 teams that are laying 7 or 7.5 points with a 6 point swing and get them down to less than a FG. I took Dallas down to -1 and they covered with ease. Second half of the teaser, Indy -1.5 Who’s hotter than Andrew Luck right now? Emily Ratajkowski. Goddamn, she could wear a Queen Victoria dress as well as a newspaper boy hat while sporting a Mike Tyson face tattoo. I’d still be harder than a shark’s tooth. Miami is 1-9 ATS on the road, 2-5 of late. Fins are 2-4 playing Indy but oddly enough, they’re 7-1 in the land of Applebees VIPs. But the Dolphins are getting Tannehill back and who can figure out if that’s a good thing or a bad thing? The Dolphins have Davante Parker and Danny Amendola listed as questionable, making Kenny Stills the only healthy receiver. Colts are 4-1 SU of late and 4-2 SU at home. I’m only laying 1.5 with the teaser so that’s as SU as you can get.
Teased Dallas to -1 and Indy to -1.5
Another team that completely singed my scrotum last week was the Minnesota Vikings. God, this team has been all over the place this year and you may be wondering when is the safe time to bet them. My answer? Definitely not in the playoffs but I think this Sunday is a good time. Here’s why. They just got smoked by a division rival who’s on the way up and in comes another division rival who is on the way down. Green Bay is 10.5 points WORSE on the road than home, which makes them #32 in the NFL, THE WORST IN THE LEAGUE. Let’s also mention that Aaron Rodgers is below .500 on the road. Lastly, it’s blatantly obvious that the Packers are quitting on McCarthy and he may not make it till the end of the year. If they lose this week, he could be gone monday. And I bet Seattle last week home against the Pack, laying 2.5 points. The number closed at 3 and ended up pushing. And that’s why it’s perfectly ok to take a number IMMEDIATELY if you like it instead of waiting till Sunday. Vikings at home: 36-16-2 ATS under Mike Zimmer and and even bigger sample size, 47-23 ATS at home. Bottom line, Vikings are 72% ATS at home, the second best team at home ATS is the Patriots at 56%. One more oddball stat: Vikings are 36-15-1 on field turf. I’m sure they have a stat about playing on a cross bluegrass, Kentucky bluegrass, featherbed bent, and northern California sinsemilla. BANG! Another Caddyshack reference makes the column.
Jump on the Vikings -3 as it’s probably headed back to -3.5
And now for words that usually don’t make people money. I like the Buffalo Bills this week. I’ll hold for laughter. Done? One more? Sure, go ahead, I need to pee anyway. Ok, I’m back. You’re good? Cool. Last time we saw the Bills, they completely set ablaze my 1st half under 17.5 bet at the Jets 2 weeks ago. Now they’re home, after a bye, against a team who completely dominated the Steelers for 57:30 and then lost late. They’ve lost 5 straight. A warm weather team going up to play inside one of the coldest places, Lena Dunham’s vagina. Jax 0-3-2 of late ATS, 3-5-1 on the road. Blake Bortles (second best gay porno name) is just putrid on the road, 5 TDs and 6 INTs. Jax averaging 17 PPG on the road. So we know they can’t pass, what about Fournette being back? Whoopedy-doo. Buffalo is the 10th best rushing D in the NFL and the 3rd best in the last 3 weeks. I love big defenses getting points at home. Why is Jacksonsville giving a shit about this game? No one else will…except me and the others who bet…
First off, a shameless plug for my show on Twitch TV called, Fantasy Football Jibber Jabber. See how we do with our gambling picks as well as fantasy football recommendations. We’ll be on next week at 6pm under the Be Terrific banner on Twitch as well as Facebook Live.
Unreal. We’ve just turned out clocks back and as I typed out, “week 9”, I realize how time does indeed fly. Remember how getting to your birthday, summer vacation, or losing your virginity seemed to take a lifetime? Fuck, we’re now halfway through the NFL season. It was only 2 months ago that my buddy and I were hopping around like idiots in Vegas where your boy went 7-1 opening weekend. Last week, I righted the ship and went 5-3, bringing me to a robust 35-24 and more importantly to 59%. Jesus Christ, that’s spectacular! I hit the Colts, Skins, Pitt Over, Seattle, and the Packers as the lock of the week. Lost the Bengals as they blew a 17 point lead late after Fitzpatrick and his beekeeper beard returned to action and backdoored that game. I called the Saints winning outright, wish I took them instead of the over. The Saints over was ahead of pace at halftime but Minnesota couldn’t do dick in the second half, leaving me 4 points shy of the over. And the Niners ALSO blew a 2 score lead in the 4th quarter against Arizona. As we know, the best laid plans…
Week NAWWWNE started off with a clunker for me as every sharp better jumped on Oakland +3 when Beathard was announced as questionable on Wednesday. As the line went down to Oakland -1 when Beathard was ruled out, you can figure out who started to plan on spending that sweet, sweet, freeeee money. And then a pesky little thing called, “the game” occurred. That’s where Nick Mullen sliced and diced through that putrid Oakland defense like he was Peyton Manning in 2006. Hell, Mullen didn’t throw his FIRST incompletion until late in the first quarter. SF ends up blowing out the Raiders and you’ll be lucky to find someone this year to put cash on them this year, even if it’s against a bunch of bearded hipsters wearing skinny jeans with Lena Dunham as the quarterback. The way the Raiders defense has been playing, she could do a 5 step drop back, tweet how white men are the worst, and find a “male feminist” open on a crossing route.
So 0-1 to start this week, let’s pick some winners!
Lock of the week:
If you missed this week’s, “Fantasy Football Jibber Jabber,” you can catch it right here. Catch me next week on Twitch at 5pm under Be Terrific. Fast forward to about 4:30 in for the start of the show.
4-4 last week, meh. Lost TB and the over. Lost Bal and SF over. Fucking Beathard turned that ball over more times than someone on the fix. Couldn’t score more than 10 points in garbage time? I hit Bal under as that Tucker miss solidified the under for me. Hit my lock of the week with SD under and thankfully, Vrabel went for 2 after that late TD. Either way, I was winning that one. Late hits with the Chiefs and my NY Giants brought me to .500. And of course that, “too little, too late comeback attempt but successful backdoor cover” for the Giants. And don’t bother with a butt sex joke, we’ve done them all. Especially all while sitting in a steam room at NY Sports Club. 30-21 on the season which puts me at 59% and better than most Vegas handicappers and MUCH better than the weathermen and weatherladies. Quick would you rather: Land a weatherlady or land an anchorwoman on any of the Hispanic channels? I vote Hispanic anchorwoman. No reason, I think it’s just a slightly higher accomplishment, as long as you don’t land the one that is also cartel member’s girlfriend.
The Lock of the week: I know the Rams just made the Niners look flat out silly last week. Aaron Rodgers is 4-0 when the Packers are getting more than 6. Off the bye, 9-2-1. Allison and Cobb will be back. Rams 6-11-2 last 19 at home ATS. Gonna be a ton of GB fans. So barely a home field advantage for GB.
Take GB +9.5
Facts are facts: Drew Brees is a strong MVP candidate this year. Some people are trying to downplay the revenge factor the where the Lattimore whiffed on a tackle, Stefon Diggs runs for the TD and an insurance company endorsement deal. Saints 4-1 ATS and 5-0 SU out of their last 5. The line went from Saints +1 to now Saints -1.5. Time to wait this out till Sunday as the public has obviously pounded the Saints. Minn 3-5-2 last 10 and 1-3-1 at home. Also, the Saints have went over 52: 6/9, 7/8 vs Minnesota, 8/10 in Minnesota, Minn over 4/6.
I’m taking the Saints -1.5 (Waiting till tomorrow to see what the line ends up) and over 53
The Steelers have been over 6/8, 4/5 at home, Cle under 4/6 and under 4/6 on the road. 8/12 vs Pitt. Plus, Pitt D has let at least 21 points to QBs. 21 is also the number of sandwiches most women order at Primanthi’s, 21 also the number of times they’ve hooked up with their uncles, and 21 is also the number of IQ points those water heads have.
Plunk down some buck on Pitt over 49 (I bought it down to 48.5)
After the Chiefs game sunday night, Cincinatti looked like Houston after her 500 man gangbang. Now they’re home and not on prime time which is key for Andy Dalton. He’s like A-Rod, showing up when there’s no pressure but shrinking when the spotlight is at its brightest. No Gerald McCoy and Kwon Alexander on defense for TB and boy, does Jameis “One Star Uber Passenger rating” love turning that ball over. That fruitcake screwed me out of that over last week with all of those turnovers last week vs Cleveland. Cincy 6-3 ATS of late and 5-2 at home. Bucs 2-11 SU on the road.
Grabbing the Bengals -3.5
Seattle one of the best rushing the ball, Detroit one of the worst defending the rush. Seahawks off a bye and getting 3 points? Heiiidy HOOOOOO.
Taking the Seahawks +3 and their obnoxious fans.
Colts flying west to facing the Oakland Raiders who are in flat out, “selling anything not nailed down” mode. Apparently, Derek Carr isn’t crying, YOU’RE CRYING. They traded away Cooper who wasn’t really doing anything all that special anyway and Lynch is on IR. Now I ask you, where are the points coming from? Jared Cook? I’d rather have Jared from Subway. Raiders also 2-13 ATS against teams that have a bye the following week.
Take the Colts -3
Bears have Mack listed as questionable. But where are the Jets getting their points from? All of their WRs are out: Enuwa, Robbie Anderson, and Wayne Chrebet all out for the Jets. They signed Richard Matthews and who cares? He couldn’t stay on the Titans roster? Jets 2-5-1 on the road. 0-4-1 in Chicago. Bears 11-4-1 at home. I know the Bears haven’t laid more than a TD in well over 5 years but again, where are the Jets getting their points from?
Take the Bears -8 but going to wait till kickoff to see the number.
Speaking of teams that are else selling their body parts for science, the Giants are home and that will be the last game of the year I attend. As much as I enjoy the randy talk and spirited menu fare of my buddy, I can’t stomach the thought to pay to see this team nor freeze my ass off any more this year. Giants trade Eli Apple and his annoying mother to the Saints (no big deal) and Snacks Harrison (huge deal, #1 run stopper in the NFL) to Detroit. Washington escapes with a win against Dallas and Jason Garrett’s ability to fuck up a glass of water. Washington 4-2 ATS of late and I know the history favors the Giants but I’m going against a team almost ready to bench their QB.
Take the Skins -1
The Niners just got smoked. I don’t feel like going to a full handicap except that from one of my favorite gambling podcasts, RJ “Mushmouth” Bell’s Vegas dream preview, all of the guys love the Niners because the Cardinals stink and the last time they faced each other, the Niners lost but were +5 in turnovers. They rebound against an awful Josh Rosen with turf toe. 4 likes from those sharps are enough for me to like it too.
Last week, your hero got back on track! 5-2 for the week as I hit the Atl -3 (57 yarder, holy shit!), Niners over, Pitt +2, Den +7 and under 50.5. Lost Giants under and Titans. 26-17 for the year, putting me at 60% for the season. Last week, I reported 60% but I was off by a few points, 58%. Remember, Fantasy Football Jibber Jabber is on Twitch TV and Facebook Live on Fridays at 5pm. Looks us up there under Be Terrific TV and here’s a link from 10/19’s show with Gerard Haran!
And now, more FREEEEEEEE MONEY!
In my lock of the week, the Chargers and Titans go to London to play a game as well as marvel how the majority of women wear fake eyelashes. Found that out when I was there 2 weeks ago. Also, in their casino at Leicester, the dealers stay on soft 17 in blackjack. BUT they don’t take their second card until all of the players have acted. And the Brits at my tables didn’t know what the hell they were doing so be warned. Back to the handicap. Chargers stayed in Cleveland after they shit on that town just like life does every day. But they’re still a west coast time playing at 9:30am EST. Tennessee just got done not scoring against Baltimore. And we know how these early games usually fair. Raiders/Seattle this year, under. Jags/Ravens last year, under. Minnesota/Cleveland last year, under. Tennessee has a top 10 defense and AVERAGES 17 fantasy points to QBs; only 2 QBs have went above 17 pts in 6 weeks. And Phil Rivers had a light passing game against a solid Cle pass defense, Melvin Gordon gouged them for 3 ground TDs. Speaking of Melvin Gordon, he’s the third of his family with the name Melvin. C’mon, Melvin isn’t a great name to hang on your son for future generations. Don’t give me that “family name” argument. How about a LITTLE originality for the kid? Oh, and as of Saturday night, Gordon is now downgraded to questionable and a game time decision. Tennessee is weaker against the run so that’s a huge blow if he sits and he’ll be hampered if he does give it a go. Some numbers? Sure! Titans have gone under 4/5, they can’t run nor pass with a banged up Mariota. And Henry has been god awful for them on the ground. Where are the points coming from? Not from 2 jet lagged teams and especially ones with key guys on offense that are out/banged up.
Lock of the week, Tenn under 45.5
Tampa Bay fired head coach turned/defensive coordinator/turned employed buffoon. Watching him coach Atlanta was like watching Lena Dunham try and throw a football. Horrendously awkward and zero respect given. Tampa also just lost a heartbreaker to Atlanta and their “defense.” Jesus, more people have been touched against a blind kid in Red Rover than Atlanta’s defense has. Jameis “1 star Uber passenger rating” Winston was impressive carving up the Falcons last week. Tampa leads the NFL in YPP at 7.2 Cle does have a good pass defense but as we saw last week, they’re awful on the ground. Peyton Barber should have a good game as well. Cleveland has given up 38 and 42 points in 2 of the last 3 weeks. As for Tampa defense, it stinks worse than Chinatown in the summertime. Tampa hasn’t given up less than 20 points SINCE LAST YEAR. Hell, they’ve only given up <30 ONCE this year. Cleveland has gone over 12/17 on the road. Tampa has gone over 5/5 and oh yeah, Tampa 4-2 ATS at home.
Take the Bucs 3-5 and I got the over 50 but now it’s 52. But don’t take an Uber pool with Jameis Winston.
The Saints are off the bye and they head down to Baltimore where it’s so bad that even the tourists won’t dare do The Wire walking tour. Saints are fantastic off the bye at home, 2-0. But on the road after a bye, 0-2. Saints also 2-4 SU on the road. Ravens have top defense, 4.2 YPP, and the #3 run defense. Oh yeah, it’s supposed to be quite windy tomorrow, winds around 15mph. Saints are 1-6-1 ATS vs Bal. Baltimore both 6-1 SU and ATS at home vs the Saints. Let’s talk the total which is now 49. Saints are obviously are great home and dome team. But playing in Baltimore, the under went 4/6. And Baltimore of late, 4/5 under. I can’t tee it up anymore so…
Take Baltimore -3 and under 49. I locked in the other day at Bal -2.5 and under 50 so bully for me.
Last one of the day. I hit the Niners over by early 3rd quarter on monday night. I ask you, what’s better than that, hitting your over just after the halfway point? I’ll allow going out to a bar and having the hottest girl come up to you, buy you a drink, and then asking to go back to your place. The Niners defense is worse than a prolapsed anus. Ever see one of those in a porn? Yeah, that causes you to go softer than seeing your mom naked. Unless your Pam Anderson’s kid, then getting tumescent is a daily routine and no one came blame you. Some stats: SF over 5/5 and 5/6 over at home. Rams over 8/12 of late and 8/11 on the road. Rams secondary is banged up and on the road again. They’re putting up pts for sure and their secondary isn’t as good without Talib. No Cooper Kupp for the Rams though however they’ll slice through the Niners defense which has allowed as many points as morning after diarrhea attacks I have in Vegas after all day drinking sessions. The Niners D hasn’t given up <20 points since LAST DECEMBER. 52 may be a lot but the Rams are good for at LEAST 31 against this poop squad.
Niners over 52
I hope you appreciated last week’s video with my buddy, English Jonny. I hope you are able to look past the 3-3 weekend I had last week. And I really hope you didn’t take the Giants under on Thursday night. What timing, the MINUTE the game starts, it stops raining. Which brings my total to 21-15 for the year, 60% for the year. Which makes me better than most of you at this. And if you want to hear who the Cold Cash/Hot Trash fantasy plays are for the week, check out my show on Twitch! It’s called, Fantasy Football Jibber Jabber and we usually are on Fridays at 5pm. We also have it in podcast form on Libsyn and very shortly, Spotify and iTunes. So let’s get to this week’s FREEEE money picks!
Sometimes, the numbers blast you in the face with such force that you can’t help to ignore them. Sometimes, these numbers force you to ignore other numbers and trends that have proven over longer periods of time. Ben Roethlisberger stinks on the road, we all know that. But did you know that Ben is 21-5 SU in the state of Ohio and 21-8 ATS? They’re in Cincinnati, back to the scene where Ryan Shazier got pretzeled. Oh yeah, we’re getting 2 points on top of it? Sold. Ben and the Steelers are coming around and yes, even the D finally closed its legs and stop letting everyone take a turn coming inside. Cincinnati has had SEVERAL lucky wins: Indy, ATL, and last week against Miami. I think this is the week their luck runs dry like Cloris Leachman’s privates. This case in point brought to you by: Alabama fans. If there’s a Caribbean island that needs people wearing Oakley glasses on the back of their neck while wearing flips flops in the pool, it’s Alabama fans or it’s nothing!
Take the Steelers +2
The Rams couldn’t be hotter. But last week was the first week they didn’t cover in Seattle. What does LA have trouble with? Keeping the homeless people from shitting all over the place. Fuck, I should’ve worded that differently. What do the RAMS have trouble doing? Stopping the run. Chris Carson ran for over 100 against them last week. What does Denver do well? Run, they’re #2 in the league in rushing attack. Oh, Cooper Kupp and Brandon Cooks are in concussion protocol. Warm weather team coming into the Rockies…into snow?? Yeah, they’re going to run the ball. I don’t see the Rams having those receivers rush into crazy action or snap counts. The number is perfect so I’m going to toss out all the recent stats showing that Denver sucks of late. Especially the 1-6-1 ATS line at home. But Denver is 6/9 under at home. And Den is getting 7, a perfect number. If they’re down, they could back door it late or even keep it close throughout.
Take Den +7 and under 50.5
The Falcons are just bad on defense, like really bad. Like, as bad as that movie, Tag. DON’T watch it, I didn’t even smile once. Well, right when I turned it off I did. Then I realized I wasted 95 minutes of my life. Then I went back to frowning again. This week, the Falcons get the Bucs at home. Jameis Winston is back after his suspension for touching an uber driver. Have you ever had an uber driver that you just felt the urge to cop a feel? Most of my uber drivers look like Carl Winslow so that’s a no for me. I know I’m ignoring how the Bucs may be statistically better. But goddamnit, I just cannot see them losing AGAIN and to a Bucs D which is as bad as that film, Tag. Yep, that film is so bad, I referenced it again. The number is right and I’ll be shocked if these idiots cannot cover 3.
Take the Falcons -3.
Lastly, Tennessee is 5-0 ATS at home, 7-3 overall. They were a dropped TD away from covering and winning last week. This is Baltimore’s 3rd straight road game and teams are 42% ATS in covering when it’s their 3rd straight road game. Tennessee has a solid defense so I’ll take the home dog.
I gotta see how I do today but I kinda like the Pats getting revenge tonight at home against the Chiefs and tomorrow’s GB over 46.5 When Aaron Rodgers calls out their conservative play calling, expect points. And I think the Niners will be chasing points which can help achieve that over.
This guy promised you free money. I’m GIVING you free money!
When you’re good, take a bow. And goddamn, am I good! Last week, 6-1, repeat 6-1, while in Vegas with my buddies. We ate like kings, drank the uncle who was too touchy feely with your sister, and screamed about all that FREEEE MONEY we received. Dal under, AZ under, Cincy, Rams, Philly under, and the “what not to do in overtime” clinic put on by the Browns and Steelers brought me my final winner. For those of you while are going to hear this story for the rest of your lives, Cle got 2 TDs late to tie the game up. I had the under at 44 and the score going into halftime was 21-21. Translation: 99.5% of the time, I’m fucked. But because Ben can’t close on the road or a mouthy coed in a bar bathroom and Cleveland went all Cleveland; neither team scored and the under held on by your mothers’ steel wool pubes. The only I lost was the Saints money line and boy, was that a hit in the pocket as the money line was -550. And now since we have more time to write this article while Predator is on in the background, my daughter is eating popcorn, and my wife is preparing for 4 eventual moments of randy talk, let’s get to the picks!
The Filthadelphia Eagles showed that they sucked less against Matt Ryan on the road last week. Atlanta had 20 penalties, which is 4 less than crybaby Venus Williams had at the US Open. Was it Venus or Serena? I don’t care. Tennis is a half step above soccer, NASCAR, and people who play Pokemon. Ok fat nerds, 1997 is over. Stop chasing fake Japanese turtles in traffic while listening to Goo Goo Dolls and go do a few laps around the track that bullies chased you around in gym class. So now Philly goes down to Tamp-er, as that morbidly obese, real life Comic Book Guy, Mike Francesa would say. Tampa took the tits out of the Saints in their own building last week. Do you think Tampa has it in them for back to back wins? Statistics don’t think so. Fitzpatrick is 1-9-1 ATS after a win. Philly 4-2 ATS and 5-1 on the road. Tampa is 2-4 at home against Philly. And they’ve lost Hargroves and Grimes in the secondary. Oh yeah, DeSean Jackson is in concussion protocol after he scored a TD and DIDN’T spike the ball before the end zone…for once. Lastly, Philly has had 10 days to prep for this game. You’re only laying 3 and that’s a bargain.
I’m taking buying the Birds down to -2.5
Just read that Marcus Mariota although banged up, is going to play this Sunday. And apparently, backup Blaine Gabbert is going to play as well. Well, you know the old saying, when you have 2 QBs, you have zero QBs. Tennessee showed me nothing last week and although Watson wasn’t good at all in NE, the Texans were hanging tight against the Pats. Houston 11-3 ATS as well as 5-2 ATS in Tennessee. Hopkins is probable for Houston and Delanie Walker is out for the year for the Titans. And hell, I even like the under 43 as there is supposed to be some rain. Maybe the hurricane reaches there as plays a role.
But I’m buying down the Texans to -2.5 for sure and maybe the under 44
The Steelers are back home where you’ll hear one of the worst accents in the world. Yinz? Pop? Jesus, can you people NOT home school your kids when you dropped out of the 6th grade to work in the coal mines? But there are 3 things for sure: Death, Taxes, and Toronto relief pitcher Tyler Clippard shitting the bed. And the 4th is usually Ben Rothliesberger at home; ESPECIALLY after a shit tie. And who has the Cleveland under 5.5 for the season? Your favorite neighborhood handicapper. The Chiefs defense got gouged but hung on against the Chargers last week. No Eric “Dingle” Berry for the Chiefs. Ben and the boys actually close a game out in Pittsburgh while Leveon Bell misses out on another 500k game check. The last time someone avoided Pennsylvania this long, it cost her the election. Zing!
I’m buying the Steelers down to -2.5
The Jets shocked the world when they beat Detroit. Detroit shocked everyone when Matt Stafford did his best Nathan Peterman impression. Are the Jets going to score a lot of points again? No. Miami is going to come into the Meadowlands and cool down from those points they put up in that marathon last week against the Titans. Jets got 5 TOs and a lot of POT. Sam Darnold won’t be winging it all over the place. Miami is 6/8 under in NY so we’re going to make this easy and take.
Jets under 43
I love the Chargers in Buffalo because well, it’s Buffalo. And they stink. And they’re starting a rookie QB. Also, the Chargers offense will light it up against a hangdog Buffalo D. I know the whole, west coast team flying east for a 1pm game argument but the Bills are so bad, I don’t care. I bought the point and took…
Lastly, here are 6 words you RARELY hear me say: I love the Giants this week. They had a chance or 2 to take down the Jags. Dallas looks AWFUL, ZERO offense for them. They didn’t cross the 50 until the THIRD QUARTER last week. I just think the Giants are not doing 0-2 again this year. And getting 3? Sure, why not? Watch this game be 21-10 Dallas. But here’s an absolute LOCK: The Giants are 7/8 with the under and Dallas is 5/5 in recent under. Giants/Dallas go under 4/5. Eli and his moderately confused looking face win in a low scoring fashion.
Take the Giants +3 and the Under 41.5
Some of you love to wish away my summer. Well congrats, it’s now gone. Thanks a lot, you vortexes of fun. The only good news is that leaves me with a couple of things: my annual trip to Vegas and of course, FREEEEEE MONEY! So I’m writing out my picks on Thursday night, 9/6, and we’re going bare bones this article. Why? Because my flight leaves in a few hours and you’re not paying me for these. Even though last year, I was 58%.
I took Philly under 45. Because Nick Foles isn’t looking good in the preseason and at time of this article, he’s not looking good now.
You should know that under are the soup d jours in the first 2 weeks of the year as most offensive still haven’t fully clicked. And with that gem, I also locked in Pitt under 44 because Pitt has gone under 7/8 on the road, 8/11 playing Cleveland, and 5/5 when playing in Cleveland. Pitt is also 13-2-1 under on the road, yikes. And there are chances of thunderstorms. Remember, Ben sucks on the road.
Whenever a team has to travel far, don’t expect much scoring. And with that theme, let’s also take the Cardinals under 43.5. Washington has gone under 4/6 and 4/6 in AZ. AZ has gone under 10/15 and 14/20. And they have to travel 1500 miles with Alex Smith learning the ropes in game 1. New QB for Arizona, uh oh. Wait, never mind. It’s Sam Bradford, who’s barely played in the last 3 years. Carry on.
The sharps talked me into taking the Bengals +3 (I’m buying the half point). Luck hasn’t thrown downfield all preseason? And who else on that offense scares you? Exactly. How is their defense? Still garbage? Thought so. Bengals front 7 is solid and also has a good o line. I might even take the under 48 as Indy is 5/5 on the under and 5/5 under at home. Also, 5/5 at home playing Cincy.
In my only favorite of the week, no way (watch it happen now) the Jets go into Detroit and cover. Rookie QB Sam Darnold won’t be looking to air it out, he’ll be playing it safe in his debut. Jets are 2-5 ATS and 1-3-1 on the road. Take the Lions -6.
Dallas and Carolina ALEADY have banged up offensive lines? Jesus, that was fast. Cowboys on the road: under hit 4/5 and 8/9. Dallas with no one on offense but Zeke? I MAY take Carolina under 42.
I love the Saints but I don’t know about laying that NAWWWWNE and a half. I may take them on the money line at -440 but let’s see…
Those are your picks for week 1 and if you want to follow along on my win total bets, I took Baltimore under 8, Cleveland under 5.5 (GTFO, they’re not going from 0 to 6 wins in a season, and Buffalo under 5.5.
Drink em if you got em, folks. This is the real last week of the NFL season as we all know the Super Bowl is more pageantry than game. This is the last week we get to bet on more than 1 NFL game so it’s bittersweet as it’s the beginning of the end of football. And then after the Super Bowl, we ahead into the great abyss. Or as I call it, Tera Patrick’s gash. 3-4 last week, 6-4 overall. I snuck out the Pats over, thanked Christ the Eagles missed the PAT to get my first half under, and had a puckered up asshole as Vikes late TD didn’t kick the PAT to cover the Saints. Lost Pitt, the under, Vikes under, and the Falcons. We all watched Matt Ryan pull off his best “Crohn’s disease patient fucking a woman on his period” impression: shitting his pants in the red zone. I give that joke a 6.5.
Tom Brady was hurt in practice when a teammate’s helmet accidentally smashed in his hand. Or so the “liberal media” would want you to think. I’m sure he really got the injury when one of Giselle’s hooves crushed his hand when he tried reaching for a candy bar. Jacksonville comes in after a stunning win in Pittsburgh where they dropped 21 on Pitt faster than a Vietnamese black jack dealer in Vegas. Let’s talk stats: Jacksonville is on its 2nd road game in 3 weeks while the Pats have slept in their own beds for a month. And teams that put up 40+ in the playoffs the previous week (Jags)? 4-25-1 ATS. Jags are 2-5 vs NE, 1-5 in NE. Pats are 6-0 ATS at home, 10-1 of their last 11. Blake Bortles passer rating is fucking TERRIBLE when they’re behind, 55 QBR. Do you think the Pats are going to let them get ahead? They’re going to take Leonard Fournette out early and make Blake Bortles beat them. Btw, Bortles averaging 151 passing yds and with a 53% completion rate. And do you think the Patriots are going to take their foot off the gas? Nope. They’ve outscored their opponents in the playoffs, 80-25 in the 2nd half in the last 4 playoff games.
Let’s talk over/under. Pats have hit the under 9/13 but 8/11 over at home. Jaguars vs Patriots are under 4/6 times as well as 4/6 under in NE.
The facts are here: Take the Patriots -7.5 and under 46.5
This last game had me debating for the entire week. The Vikings are good on the road, the Eagles are good at home. Both teams could have EASILY lost last week. Both teams are playing with house money as their backup QBs haven’t flinched, yet. We all know my distaste for that goddamn awful town. Nick Foles is one of the worst in 3rd and long situations. Believe it or not, the Vikings D is better on the road than at home (329 yds allowed vs 387 at home) and the Vikes D is top 5 against the run. But the Eagles D has also been fantastic, 20 points allowed in 3 games. Philly has been 2-4 ATS and under 6/6. Also 5/6 under at home.
I’m still not sure but leaning Vikings -3 and under 38.5. I’m definitely jumping on the Vikes if it gets to 2.5.
Happy gambling and don’t be afraid to grab the first half unders again.
5-2 last week so back on the winning track for your favorite handicapper. Wish I would’ve taken my own advice and added on the Bengals and Cardinals. It’s the perfect weekend to watch the games as it’s pretty goddamn cold with this cyclone bomb at hand. Cyclone Bomb sounds like a finishing move in Mortal Kombat or a perfect description when I ate a piece of uncooked chicken last week. Last year, Wild Card weekend was crazy as all the favorites covered. Will the same occur this year? Let’s see:
Kansas City hosts Tennessee, who has looked very unremarkable the past few weeks. Tennessee is 5-12-5 ATS on the road but 5-1 in KC. KC has seemed to get their offense together while the Titans offense has been as lively as another Tennessee legend, Pat Summit. Hint: she’s dead. No DeMarco Murray but that doesn’t matter because he’s been awful. 9 is a lot of points and Alex Smith SHOULD be able to cover this. Let’s all reminisce how Alex Smith was the first overall pick and selected before…Aaron Rodgers. Ok, memory break over. I do not have an idea where to go team wise but I sure have made a lot of money betting on the Chiefs under at home. Titans have gone under in 4/6 as well as 4/6 on the road. KC has going under 6/8 and and 5/6 at home. That’s all the info I need to
Take KC under 45
Buffalo squeaked in because the Ravens 4th quarter defense disappeared like Philadelphia teams during a championship parade. Shady McCoy has been upgraded to probable so he’s pretty much a go. Do I trust Buffalo on the road with no WR? No. Do I trust Blake Bortles who of late, has been not good. And now he’s home in the first playoff game for the Jaguars since I was in college. Playing Goldeneye. Womanizing. Playing Beer Pong. Sigh, those were the days. This under is quite low, 39.5 But I am going to try some different logic. The Jags will be running the ball as that’s what they’re good at and the Bills run defense is not. The Bills will be running because the Jags run D isn’t so hot either. I think Doug Marrone will want to make keep a leash on Bortles and give him the chance to turn the ball over early. I think both teams come out conservatively so I went and took…
First half Jacksonville under 19.5
Lastly, my lock of the week. If you’ve consistently read this column, thanks to all 23 of you. And you’ll know that I love the Saints at home. You know what I love even more than the Saints at home? Blowjobs, duh. And a ton of Denise Richards naked photos circa 1997. Also, I love the Saints over at home. Saints are 15/21 over at home. And when the Saints play Carolina, the over hits 6/7. Also, when the Saints play Carolina at home, the over hits 6/7. Carolina is 5/7 in hitting the over. The Saints hung 30+ on Carolina both times they played them. I would take the Saints if it got down to 6.5 but for now, I LOVE….
The Saints over 48.5