NFL picks ATS Week 9

First off, a shameless plug for my show on Twitch TV called, Fantasy Football Jibber Jabber.  See how we do with our gambling picks as well as fantasy football recommendations.  We’ll be on next week at 6pm under the Be Terrific banner on Twitch as well as Facebook Live.

Unreal.  We’ve just turned out clocks back and as I typed out, “week 9”, I realize how time does indeed fly.  Remember how getting to your birthday, summer vacation, or losing your virginity seemed to take a lifetime?  Fuck, we’re now halfway through the NFL season.  It was only 2 months ago that my buddy and I were hopping around like idiots in Vegas where your boy went 7-1 opening weekend.  Last week, I righted the ship and went 5-3, bringing me to a robust 35-24 and more importantly to 59%.  Jesus Christ, that’s spectacular!  I hit the Colts, Skins, Pitt Over, Seattle, and the Packers as the lock of the week.  Lost the Bengals as they blew a 17 point  lead late after Fitzpatrick and his beekeeper beard returned to action and backdoored that game.  I called the Saints winning outright, wish I took them instead of the over.  The Saints over was ahead of pace at halftime but Minnesota couldn’t do dick in the second half, leaving me 4 points shy of the over.  And the Niners ALSO blew a 2 score lead in the 4th quarter against Arizona. As we know, the best laid plans…

Week NAWWWNE started off with a clunker for me as every sharp better jumped on Oakland +3 when Beathard was announced as questionable on Wednesday.  As the line went down to Oakland -1 when Beathard was ruled out, you can figure out who started to plan on spending that sweet, sweet, freeeee money.  And then a pesky little thing called, “the game” occurred.  That’s where Nick Mullen sliced and diced through that putrid Oakland defense like he was Peyton Manning in 2006.  Hell, Mullen didn’t throw his FIRST incompletion until late in the first quarter.  SF ends up blowing out the Raiders and you’ll be lucky to find someone this year to put cash on them this year, even if it’s against a bunch of bearded hipsters wearing skinny jeans with Lena Dunham as the quarterback.  The way the Raiders defense has been playing, she could do a 5 step drop back, tweet how white men are the worst, and find a “male feminist” open on a crossing route.

So 0-1 to start this week, let’s pick some winners!

Lock of the week:

Pitt 4-1, 6-3 ATS on road and 8-0-1 SU.  Baltimore got smoked in Carolina and hasn’t had their bye yet, they’re looking TIRED.   I love taking divisional teams as dogs as they know each other well and Pitt will be looking for revenge after the first matchup showed them to the loss column. The Steelers run D is morning boner solid, 5 total TDs to RBs this year
Pitt +3, now +2.5
Minnesota is back after losing to the Saints and now they get Detroit.  And if you’re the Lions, you’ve traded away a guy who caught 70% of his targets.  You’re playing a top 10 scoring defense and 6th against the pass rush.  Oh, the Vikings also have the 5th best red zone defense  I’d rather back Donald Trump at a Menudo concert than back the Lions  this week. Explain this line: If Detroit played this game at home, it would be Detroit +1?    Minn needs the game, is at home where they’re 16-7-1.  Adam Thielen doesn’t fumble, that’s a completely different game  Detroit giving up 5.5 ypc and 2nd most rushing yds in NFL, nahhhhhh
Take the Vikes and their stupid SKOL chant -5.5
My favorite game show as a kid was the Price is Right.  And boy, the price is right here.  Denver trades away it’s number 1 WR…TO THE TEAM THEY’RE PLAYING THIS WEEKEND? Houston is red hot and the Broncos have cracked 20 points ONCE this year.  Houston with 10 days off and Lamar Miller is running like he’s leaving Honduras behind.  2 100 yd games in back to back weeks sounds and now against the 28th ranked run defense a good enough reason for me.  Bonus reason: oh yeah, how about a run heavy team (Denver) going against the best run defense in the league (Texans). 
I have no idea why the line is a pick em but I got Houston in this week.  And if I waited a day, I could’ve had them +1.
Cleveland has a new head coach, new offensive coordinator.  At home against the white hot Chiefs, oh boy.  Cold hard fact: When a home dog is 8 ore more, the under is 21/23.  18, 23, 14, and 12.  Those are Cleveland’s last 4 games worth of points.  Yes, we know KC puts up points.  But will Cle put up their share, especially under new coaching?  I say no.
Quick and easy pick: Cleveland under 51.5
Tennessee has a top 10 defense and Dallas can’t score, except their fans score insanely high on the BMI and diabetic scores.  Seriously, how many skinny Dallas fans do you know?  That aren’t on drugs.  Or homeless.  Tennessee hasn’t allowed a RB over 80 yards and Zeke is the key to that offense.  Does Dak Prescott scare you?  As much as Ernest P Worrell did.  Dallas can win by a FG but that’s not the spread.
Take the Titans +5.  I can never pick them right but I think I figured them out for this week.
Bills stink and the Bears aren’t putting up points against the Bills defense. Low number, I know.  But this game has 20-6 written all over it.
Bills under 38.5
Games I like and may take, depending on the number.
Saints with an impressive win in Minn (I called it, you’re welcome) against the undefeated Rams.  Rams are 1-3-1 ATS and Saints are 5-0 ATS and SU.  10-1 SU at home.  Rams aren’t covering and I think the Saints eek it out in a shootout.  
Saints at home and getting 2?  Boy, I’m waiting to see if I can get to 3 but still like +2
Tampa goes into Carolina where they’re killing it SU. But against divisional opponents and the Panthers are -6 or more, they’re 0-5.  Fitzpatrick may be down but with that offense, they can backdoor it easily.  You see that commercial with JB Smoove?  It shows McCaffrey has some real acting chops.  He really convinced me like he understood what the hell JB was saying.  JB Smoove sounds like the black Swedish Chef.
Wait and see if it gets to 7 but TB +6.5 could be the play.
 It’s supposed to rain in Seattle, duh.  But Seattle is a heavy rushing offense.  Melvin Gordon is back for the Chargers so that gets them in the running spirit as well.  Chargers have gone under 6/9 on the road.  Seattle has gone under 5/6 and under 4/5 at home vs the Chargers.  
Seahawks under 47.5
Aaron Rodgers stinks on the road, he’s below 50% ATS.  Pats are back home and firing on all cylinders.  Sony Michel looks like he’s going to play.  And one of the worst names ever, Ha-Ha Clinton Dix, just got traded.  He’s the best defensive player on an awful defense.  Where was DYFUS for an intervention on that name selection?  Pack 1-4 ATS on the road and 0-5 SU.  Pats 4-1 of late, 9-3 ATS at home.  If it’s 7, you take the Pack.  But anything less, it’s an easy call for cry baby Brady and his tubby Unabomber coach.
Patriots -5
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NFL Week 8 picks ATS

If you missed this week’s, “Fantasy Football Jibber Jabber,” you can catch it right here.  Catch me next week on Twitch at 5pm under Be Terrific.  Fast forward to about 4:30 in for the start of the show.

4-4 last week, meh.  Lost TB and the over.  Lost Bal and SF over.  Fucking Beathard turned that ball over more times than someone on the fix.  Couldn’t score more than 10 points in garbage time? I hit Bal under as that Tucker miss solidified the under for me.  Hit my lock of the week with SD under and thankfully, Vrabel went for 2 after that late TD.  Either way, I was winning that one.  Late hits with the Chiefs and my NY Giants brought me to .500.  And of course that, “too little, too late comeback attempt but successful backdoor cover” for the Giants.  And don’t bother with a butt sex joke, we’ve done them all.  Especially all while sitting in a steam room at NY Sports Club.  30-21 on the season which puts me at 59% and better than most Vegas handicappers and MUCH better than the weathermen and weatherladies.  Quick would you rather: Land a weatherlady or land an anchorwoman on any of the Hispanic channels?  I vote Hispanic anchorwoman.  No reason, I think it’s just a slightly higher accomplishment, as long as you don’t land the one that is also cartel member’s girlfriend.

The Lock of the week: I know the Rams just made the Niners look flat out silly last week.  Aaron Rodgers is 4-0 when the Packers are getting more than 6. Off the bye, 9-2-1. Allison and Cobb will be back. Rams 6-11-2 last 19 at home ATS. Gonna be a ton of GB fans.  So barely a home field advantage for GB.

Take GB +9.5

Facts are facts: Drew Brees is a strong MVP candidate this year.  Some people are trying to downplay the revenge factor the where the Lattimore whiffed on a tackle, Stefon Diggs runs for the TD and an insurance company endorsement deal.  Saints 4-1 ATS and 5-0 SU out of their last 5.  The line went from Saints +1 to now Saints -1.5.  Time to wait this out till Sunday as the public has obviously pounded the Saints.  Minn 3-5-2 last 10 and 1-3-1 at home.  Also, the Saints have went over 52: 6/9, 7/8 vs Minnesota, 8/10 in Minnesota, Minn over 4/6.  

I’m taking the Saints -1.5 (Waiting till tomorrow to see what the line ends up) and over 53

The Steelers have been over 6/8, 4/5 at home, Cle under 4/6 and under 4/6 on the road. 8/12 vs Pitt.  Plus, Pitt D has let at least 21 points to QBs.  21 is also the number of sandwiches most women order at Primanthi’s, 21 also the number of times they’ve hooked up with their uncles, and 21 is also the number of IQ points those water heads have.  

Plunk down some buck on Pitt over 49 (I bought it down to 48.5)

After the Chiefs game sunday night, Cincinatti looked like Houston after her 500 man gangbang.  Now they’re home and not on prime time which is key for Andy Dalton.  He’s like A-Rod, showing up when there’s no pressure but shrinking when the spotlight is at its brightest.  No Gerald McCoy and Kwon Alexander on defense for TB and boy, does Jameis “One Star Uber Passenger rating” love turning that ball over.  That fruitcake screwed me out of that over last week with all of those turnovers last week vs Cleveland.  Cincy 6-3 ATS of late and 5-2 at home.  Bucs 2-11 SU on the road.  

Grabbing the Bengals -3.5

Seattle one of the best rushing the ball, Detroit one of the worst defending the rush.  Seahawks off a bye and getting 3 points?  Heiiidy HOOOOOO.  

Taking the Seahawks +3 and their obnoxious fans.

Colts flying west to facing the Oakland Raiders who are in flat out, “selling anything not nailed down” mode.  Apparently, Derek Carr isn’t crying, YOU’RE CRYING.  They traded away Cooper who wasn’t really doing anything all that special anyway and Lynch is on IR.  Now I ask you, where are the points coming from?  Jared Cook?  I’d rather have Jared from Subway.  Raiders also 2-13 ATS against teams that have a bye the following week.  

Take the Colts -3

Bonus picks

Bears have Mack listed as questionable. But where are the Jets getting their points from?  All of their WRs are out: Enuwa, Robbie Anderson, and Wayne Chrebet all out for the Jets.  They signed Richard Matthews and who cares?  He couldn’t stay on the Titans roster?  Jets 2-5-1 on the road. 0-4-1 in Chicago. Bears 11-4-1 at home.  I know the Bears haven’t laid more than a TD in well over 5 years but again, where are the Jets getting their points from?

Take the Bears -8 but going to wait till kickoff to see the number.

Speaking of teams that are else selling their body parts for science, the Giants are home and that will be the last game of the year I attend.  As much as I enjoy the randy talk and spirited menu fare of my buddy, I can’t stomach the thought to pay to see this team nor freeze my ass off any more this year.  Giants trade Eli Apple and his annoying mother to the Saints (no big deal) and Snacks Harrison (huge deal, #1 run stopper in the NFL) to Detroit.  Washington escapes with a win against Dallas and Jason Garrett’s ability to fuck up a glass of water.  Washington 4-2 ATS of late and I know the history favors the Giants but I’m going against a team almost ready to bench their QB.

Take the Skins -1

The Niners just got smoked.  I don’t feel like going to a full handicap except that from one of my favorite gambling podcasts, RJ “Mushmouth” Bell’s Vegas dream preview, all of the guys love the Niners because the Cardinals stink and the last time they faced each other, the Niners lost but were +5 in turnovers.  They rebound against an awful Josh Rosen with turf toe.  4 likes from those sharps are enough for me to like it too.

Niners -1.5

 

NFL Week 7 picks ATS

Last week, your hero got back on track!  5-2 for the week as I hit the Atl -3 (57 yarder, holy shit!), Niners over, Pitt +2, Den +7 and under 50.5.  Lost Giants under and Titans.  26-17 for the year, putting me at 60% for the season.  Last week, I reported 60% but I was off by a few points, 58%.  Remember, Fantasy Football Jibber Jabber is on Twitch TV and Facebook Live on Fridays at 5pm.  Looks us up there under Be Terrific TV and here’s a link from 10/19’s show with Gerard Haran!

 

And now, more FREEEEEEEE MONEY!

In my lock of the week, the Chargers and Titans go to London to play a game as well as marvel how the majority of women wear fake eyelashes.  Found that out when I was there 2 weeks ago.  Also, in their casino at Leicester, the dealers stay on soft 17 in blackjack.  BUT they don’t take their second card until all of the players have acted.   And the Brits at my tables didn’t know what the hell they were doing so be warned.  Back to the handicap.  Chargers stayed in Cleveland after they shit on that town just like life does every day.  But they’re still a west coast time playing at 9:30am EST.  Tennessee just got done not scoring against Baltimore.  And we know how these early games usually fair.  Raiders/Seattle this year, under.  Jags/Ravens last year, under.  Minnesota/Cleveland last year, under.  Tennessee has a top 10 defense and AVERAGES 17 fantasy points to QBs; only 2 QBs have went above 17 pts in 6 weeks.  And Phil Rivers had a light passing game against a solid Cle pass defense, Melvin Gordon gouged them for 3 ground TDs.  Speaking of Melvin Gordon, he’s the third of his family with the name Melvin.  C’mon, Melvin isn’t a great name to hang on your son for future generations.  Don’t give me that “family name” argument.  How about a LITTLE originality for the kid?  Oh, and as of Saturday night, Gordon is now downgraded to questionable and a game time decision.  Tennessee is weaker against the run so that’s a huge blow if he sits and he’ll be hampered if he does give it a go.  Some numbers?  Sure!  Titans have gone under 4/5, they can’t run nor pass with a banged up Mariota.  And Henry has been god awful for them on the ground.  Where are the points coming from?  Not from 2 jet lagged teams and especially ones with key guys on offense that are out/banged up.

Lock of the week, Tenn under 45.5 

Tampa Bay fired head coach turned/defensive coordinator/turned employed buffoon.  Watching him coach Atlanta was like watching Lena Dunham try and throw a football.  Horrendously awkward and zero respect given.  Tampa also just lost a heartbreaker to Atlanta and their “defense.”  Jesus, more people have been touched against a blind kid in Red Rover than Atlanta’s defense has.  Jameis “1 star Uber passenger rating” Winston was impressive carving up the Falcons last week.  Tampa leads the NFL in YPP at 7.2 Cle does have a good pass defense but as we saw last week, they’re awful on the ground.  Peyton Barber should have a good game as well.  Cleveland has given up 38 and 42 points in 2 of the last 3 weeks.  As for Tampa defense, it stinks worse than Chinatown in the summertime.  Tampa hasn’t given up less than 20 points SINCE LAST YEAR.  Hell, they’ve only given up <30 ONCE this year.  Cleveland has gone over 12/17 on the road.  Tampa has gone over 5/5 and oh yeah, Tampa 4-2 ATS at home.  

Take the Bucs 3-5 and I got the over 50 but now it’s 52. But don’t take an Uber pool with Jameis Winston.

The Saints are off the bye and they head down to Baltimore where it’s so bad that even the tourists won’t dare do The Wire walking tour.  Saints are fantastic off the bye at home, 2-0.  But on the road after a bye, 0-2.  Saints also 2-4 SU on the road.  Ravens have top defense, 4.2 YPP, and the #3 run defense.  Oh yeah, it’s supposed to be quite windy tomorrow, winds around 15mph.  Saints are 1-6-1 ATS vs Bal.  Baltimore both 6-1 SU and ATS at home vs the Saints.  Let’s talk the total which is now 49.  Saints are obviously are great home and dome team. But playing in Baltimore, the under went 4/6.  And Baltimore of late, 4/5 under.  I can’t tee it up anymore so…

Take Baltimore -3 and under 49.  I locked in the other day at Bal -2.5 and under 50 so bully for me.

Last one of the day.  I hit the Niners over by early 3rd quarter on monday night.  I ask you, what’s better than that, hitting your over just after the halfway point?  I’ll allow going out to a bar and having the hottest girl come up to you, buy you a drink, and then asking to go back to your place. The Niners defense is worse than a prolapsed anus.  Ever see one of those in a porn?  Yeah, that causes you to go softer than seeing your mom naked.  Unless your Pam Anderson’s kid, then getting tumescent is a daily routine and no one came blame you.  Some stats: SF over 5/5 and 5/6 over at home.  Rams over 8/12 of late and 8/11 on the road.  Rams secondary is banged up and on the road again.  They’re putting up pts for sure and their secondary isn’t as good without Talib.  No Cooper Kupp for the Rams though however they’ll slice through the Niners defense which has allowed as many points as morning after diarrhea attacks I have in Vegas after all day drinking sessions.  The Niners D hasn’t given up <20 points since LAST DECEMBER.  52 may be a lot but the Rams are good for at LEAST 31 against this poop squad.

Niners over 52

Week 6 NFL Picks ATS

I hope you appreciated last week’s video with my buddy, English Jonny.  I hope you are able to look past the 3-3 weekend I had last week.  And I really hope you didn’t take the Giants under on Thursday night.  What timing, the MINUTE the game starts, it stops raining.  Which brings my total to 21-15 for the year, 60% for the year.  Which makes me better than most of you at this.  And if you want to hear who the Cold Cash/Hot Trash fantasy plays are for the week, check out my show on Twitch!  It’s called, Fantasy Football Jibber Jabber and we usually are on Fridays at 5pm.  We also have it in podcast form on Libsyn and very shortly, Spotify and iTunes.  So let’s get to this week’s FREEEE money picks!

Sometimes, the numbers blast you in the face with such force that you can’t help to ignore them.  Sometimes, these numbers force you to ignore other numbers and trends that have proven over longer periods of time.  Ben Roethlisberger stinks on the road, we all know that.  But did you know that Ben is 21-5 SU in the state of Ohio and 21-8 ATS?  They’re in Cincinnati, back to the scene where Ryan Shazier got pretzeled.  Oh yeah, we’re getting 2 points on top of it?  Sold.  Ben and the Steelers are coming around and yes, even the D finally closed its legs and stop letting everyone take a turn coming inside.  Cincinnati has had SEVERAL lucky wins: Indy, ATL, and last week against Miami.  I think this is the week their luck runs dry like Cloris Leachman’s privates. This case in point brought to you by: Alabama fans.  If there’s a Caribbean island that needs people wearing Oakley glasses on the back of their neck while wearing flips flops in the pool, it’s Alabama fans or it’s nothing!  

Take the Steelers +2

The Rams couldn’t be hotter.  But last week was the first week they didn’t cover in Seattle.  What does LA have trouble with?  Keeping the homeless people from shitting all over the place.  Fuck, I should’ve worded that differently.  What do the RAMS have trouble doing?  Stopping the run.  Chris Carson ran for over 100 against them last week.  What does Denver do well?  Run, they’re #2 in the league in rushing attack.  Oh, Cooper Kupp and Brandon Cooks are in concussion protocol.  Warm weather team coming into the Rockies…into snow??  Yeah, they’re going to run the ball.  I don’t see the Rams having those receivers rush into crazy action or snap counts.  The number is perfect so I’m going to toss out all the recent stats showing that Denver sucks of late.  Especially the 1-6-1 ATS line at home.  But Denver is 6/9 under at home.  And Den is getting 7, a perfect number.  If they’re down, they could back door it late or even keep it close throughout.

Take Den +7 and under 50.5

The Falcons are just bad on defense, like really bad.  Like, as bad as that movie, Tag.  DON’T watch it, I didn’t even smile once.  Well, right when I turned it off I did.  Then I realized I wasted 95 minutes of my life.  Then I went back to frowning again.  This week, the Falcons get the Bucs at home.  Jameis Winston is back after his suspension for touching an uber driver.  Have you ever had an uber driver that you just felt the urge to cop a feel?  Most of my uber drivers look like Carl Winslow so that’s a no for me.  I know I’m ignoring how the Bucs may be statistically better.  But goddamnit, I just cannot see them losing AGAIN and to a Bucs D which is as bad as that film, Tag.  Yep, that film is so bad, I referenced it again.  The number is right and I’ll be shocked if these idiots cannot cover 3.

Take the Falcons -3.

Lastly, Tennessee is 5-0 ATS at home, 7-3 overall.  They were a dropped TD away from covering and winning last week.  This is Baltimore’s 3rd straight road game and teams are 42% ATS in covering when it’s their 3rd straight road game.  Tennessee has a solid defense so I’ll take the home dog.

Titans +2.5

I gotta see how I do today but I kinda like the Pats getting revenge tonight at home against the Chiefs and tomorrow’s GB over 46.5  When Aaron Rodgers calls out their conservative play calling, expect points.  And I think the Niners will be chasing points which can help achieve that over.

NFL Picks Week 4 ATS

6-3 last week!  2 out of 3 weeks, I’ve won you money.  And not one of you sent me a cut or a thank you note.  Didn’t your mothers teach you better manners?  I didn’t take Thursday night’s game as I debated about Minnesota (push) and the under (definite miss.  I think we all know the Rams over will be the lock of the week for the season.)  

Breakdown: I took Indy and the under, Jets under, Cincy over, Miami, and the Saints.  The Giants under missed with exactly 1 second left on the clock and of course, that was the big bet of the week.  Lost the TB under on Monday night, lost the Niners when Jimmy G snapped that ACL but will still be snapping that porn star puss.  15-8 on the year, why the fuck don’t I have a gambling show yet??!?!?!  

The Oakland Raiders are 0-3, just like most of their fans’ parole hearings.  Are they that bad or the victims of bad luck?  They’ve blown 3 leads at halftime and now they get Baker Mayfield on the road in his first start?  In the black hole?  Remember when betting, you’re playing the number, which is Oak -2.5 here.  Home field is 3 points so what Vegas is trying to say is Cleveland is .5 better than Oakland on a neutral site?  With a QB who has ONE HALF under his belt.  Not buying it.  And Oakland is due for a win, especially at home.  Oh yeah, rookie QBs making their first start on the road?  ZERO out of 10.

Take the Raiders -2.5.  I may even take the under 45 as Oak under 9/10, 5/5 at home, and 4/5 vs Cleveland.

You know what Carson Wentz didn’t do last week?  Throw for a shitload of yards and TDs, just like I said he wouldn’t.  And now they face a rather stingy Tennessee defense.  And Tennessee’s Mariota looks like he got hit by that volcano eruption in his native Hawaii.  Tennessee is also a heavy run offense.  How do the Eagles fare against the run?  #2, just like me in the bathroom 5 minutes ago?  Titans have scored totals of 17, 20, and 9 pts this year.  Eagles have scored 20, 21, and 18 this year.  This game screams 17-13 so let’s be wise and take 

Tennessee under 41.5, I bought the .5

Atlanta defense is like the testimony of the second Cavanaugh accuser, possibly full of holes and supposedly gang banged up.  Missing both starting safeties is not a way to start against Andy Dalton, who has been slinging it all over the place.  Much like a recently divorced woman at an Appelebee’s on a Friday night. 1/2 off appetizers will get her pants fully off in that bathroom!  Falcons just played nearly 5 quarters against the Saints and that defense is as gassed like a fat kid doing suicides.  Not shooting up a school and then killing himself, I’m talking about running back and forth for an hour straight followed up by puking. You know,  the good ol days where coaches would call you a faggot for missing the cutoff man.  Cincy lists AJ Green as probable so that’s huge.  The only thing that scares is the line opened +5.5 and now it’s down to 3.5.

Take the Bengals while you can get the 3.5, it’s still a good number.

Sigh, I said I don’t do normally do this…I know, I sound like a woman during a one night stand.  But I’m going to make a case for the NY Giants and break my own rule of betting them.  Saints played nearly 5 quarters last week.  And that defense stinks worse than my house after a night of my wife’s Buffalo wing dip (to die for) and beers.  Saints defense AVERAGES 33 points again.  And now they’re on the road but more importantly, outside of a dome.  The Giants beat them the last time they came to Giants stadium and now they’re catching 3.5?  Saints are 1-5 SU in NY and the under has hit 5/7 when they’ve played?  Vernon and Apple are out again on defense.  Then again, they were out last week against Houston and they won.  

Let’s cross those fingers and toes and take the Giants +3.5

I kinda like but probably won’t bet: GB (home against a Bills team who shot their load last week), Detroit +3, Jets +7.5 (3rd road game in a row kind of scares me about the Jets but the number is right), Chargers -10.5 (Large number, may buy it down to 9.5, depends how I do with the 1pm games.)

And now it’s time for the lock of the week.  Quite shocked this number is moving this way and a bit annoyed I locked in too earlier.  But the Colts -1.5 (now a pick ’em or even +1) is a steal.  Hopkins went through limited practice with a couple of injuries, limited as questionable, but he’ll go.  And Houston’s secondary is trash.  Houston 2-7-2 playing Indy, 2-5-1 in Indy.  Colts could’ve won in weeks 1 and 3 EASILY.  They’re 2-1 ATS and could be 2-1-1 if they didn’t turn it over late week 1.  

I have the Colts at -1.5 but you can get them at a Pick or even +1, get that NOW if you can.

 

 

 

 

 

Week 16 NFL picks ATS

Hope you’re ready to enjoy Christmas and hope you paid for those gifts with FREEEE MONEY!  When you’re hot, you’re hot.  4-3 last week as I took TB under this past monday night to push me over .500 for the week.  Guys, I haven’t had a losing week in 7 weeks.  Just saying.  We’re getting to the fantasy championship/players getting rested/ time of year so the number of plays will get smaller and by next week, it’s going to be only a slight few.  But I have a few in mind so here we go:

The wife beater currently known as Ezekiel Elliot is back for the Cowgirls and Dallas is holding onto a microcosm of hope to make the playoffs.  In comes the rape victim from week 15 known as the Seattle Seahawks.  And who had the Rams as the pick of the week last week?  YOU’RE WELCOME.  Jesus, I put out more than your moms.  2 weeks, 2 mom jokes.  How much confidence do you have in Seattle?  The correct answer is very little.  Usually, the Seahawks destroy in the month of December but it looks like the Legion of Boom went bust.  That defense has been beaten up more than Jim J Bullock’s asshole.  Wow, what a deep cut.  Pulling out an F list celebrity from the 80’s in this column, check.  Dallas is 7-2 ATS vs Sea and 5-2 ATS vs Seattle.  More stats? Sure.  Seattle is 2-5-1 of late and 3-7-1 on the road.  Not very awe inspiring.  And now, a Montell Jordan reference for you. “The party’s hype and the number’s right. Drinking 40’s here on the west side.”

Take Dallas -5 cause this is how we do it.

The Buffalo Bills are smack in the middle of the playoffs, despite the Nathan Peterman experiment.  Doesn’t that sound like the name of a shitty emo band?  I know, ALL EMO IS SHITTY, KEVIN.  The Bills go into Foxboro where the Pats really haven’t felt like the PATS this year.  They got insanely lucky (including me having under 54 last week) with that win.  The Bills NEED this game and the Pats haven’t blown anyone out in awhile (3 weeks). The Bills A) got beat by 20 and will most definitely B) use this as a revenge game for the Gronkowski cheap shot.  11.5 is just too many damn points so take the team who needs the game pretty bad.  And oh yeah, more fun facts.  The Bills hit the under 5/7 on the road, 4/6 under in NE.  And the Pats of late are also not putting up points as the under has hit 4/5.  Hogan is doubtful and Burkhead is out.  And oh yeah, Bellichik is 47% ATS when laying double digits.

So let’s double down and take the Bills +11.5 and the under 47.

Pittsburgh lost a potential dream crusher last week.  Pittsburgh sucks mastodon scrotum on the road.  Pittsburgh of late is 1-5 ATS.  I know, Houston isn’t much better, 2-5 ATS of late.  But 9 is too many and Pittsburgh plays to the level of their opponent.  And oh yeah, the best WR in football is out for the game.  If you don’t know who that is or disagree with me, you shouldn’t be reading this column.

Take the Texans +9 and cross your fingers.

The Saints fucked me not once but twice.  Not nice for a team named after a celestial figure.  The Saints couldn’t cover and bury Bryce Petty?  And then Mark Ingram, in clock killing mode, breaks off a long touchdown to burn me on the under.  Shame on me for laying 16.5.  The Saints lost to the Falcons 3 weeks ago (another one that I called.  Time for me to get my own show, goddamnit!) and I think they have revenge on their mind.  The Saints also want to get that division sewn up because they know KG has them 6/1 to win the NFC so let’s not monkey around.  Saints have 9 wins by 10 points or more.  Atlanta in a short week BARELY beat the Bucs on (had the under so yep, taking a bow again.)  Falcons D has given up 7 TDs in the last 3 weeks and only one pick.  Matt Ryan also not doing that much this year.  

The Saints come marching in all over the Falcons, -5. 

Tampa Bay almost tied it up with a 56 yd FG attempt on monday night.  Thank god that kick fell like an Italian man, a foot or 2 short.  Cause my under would have been cooked.  Here’s a fun fact: Tampa is 13-4 as an over when they’re a double digit underdog.  TB has a TON of injuries on defense and even if they were healthy, they weren’t that got.  But TB has hit 7/8 unders on the road.  Carolina has hit the over 5/5.  Panthers also 5/6 over at home.  I like Carolina to win and if it can get to under 10, I’ll jump on it.  But for now, it’s just going to be…

Carolina over 46.5

Not a full lock but I’m highly convinced about this game.  One garbage fan base flies across country to visit the biggest garbage fan base.  Raiders in Philly and Philly looking for that 1 seed.  Foles crushed it in his season debut and he better crush it against the Black and Silver because I have him in my fantasy championship.  BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!  I don’t see the Raiders giving 2 shits about this game after they lost the way they did.  They’re flying cross country and playing Christmas night?  The Eagles may roll early and then sit Foles.  But I don’t see the Raiders showing up so let’s end this Christmas night with.

Philly under 47

 

Week 14 NFL Picks ATS

“Kevin, where’s Reagan?”  “Kevin, is Reagan coming back this week?”  Hey, did you see I went 5-3 last week?  “Yeah but we want to see Reagan eat her cookie.”  That was all I heard!  You guys would rather see my daughter and I make cutesy-poo faces (it’s adorable) than hear my winning picks and capitalize on free money this Christmas?  No wonder school test scores are down and Madea films continue to make money.  Good news, you’re seeing her today as she’s feeling completely better and eating cookies faster than Roy Moore eats 15 year old asses.  We’re already off to a fast start as I took Atlanta on Thursday night so that puts me in the “nice” column to start week 14.

The Tennessee Titans are insanely overrated.  If you had them last week -7, you absolutely stole one for the books as Derrick Henry broke a run for a late TD that was just meant to kill the clock and cover.  Now, they go to Arizona where as a home dog, they’re 24-13.  AZ isn’t playing for anything but the way they’re going about business, you would think otherwise.  Tenn on the road is awful, 1-4 ATS.  AZ vs Tenn is 4-1.  

Fly with the Cards at the free +2.5 points

Cincinatti played Pittsburgh on Monday night in a game that was uglier than watching Rebel Wilson eating.  Cincy 4-0 ATS and 13-5 vs teams with losing records.  The Bears are just goddamn awful and John Fox is 4 weeks away from a pink slip and shitty gold watch.  The Bears are recently 1-3-1 and 4-9 on the road.  They’re not going to get motivated playing for a lame duck coach.  Vontaze Burfict is out for Cincy but I don’t care.  I see them taking out their anger from shitting the bed on Monday on the lifeless Bears.

The Bengals eat the Bears like a tourist who jumped into their cage at the zoo, -6.5

Kansas City is back home after failing to put the dagger in the Jets.  Oakland comes in after unconvincingly beating the Geno Smith led Giants.  KC has the under hit 12/17 at home, 7/9 vs Oak, 17/25 vs Oak, and Oakland is 6/9 with the under on the road.  And with all of that, I’m taking the over today.  WHAT??  You just gave 13 stats saying under!  Well, Andy Reid isn’t calling the plays and the new guy took the reins off Alex Smith and then against the Jets, they threw smoke all over the place.  They have nice weather in KC today so no crazy winds.  The Oakland defense is trash AND they’re getting Crabtree back.  We all know how bad the Chiefs D is.  And the last time these teams played, they combined for over 60.  

Take the over 48 with confidence.

Carolina is home against the Vikings after going to NO and getting a spanking (just like I said.)  Fun facts: Carolina is 9-2 and has 7 wins as a home dog, also recently 4-1 ATS and SU.  This is the 3rd straight game for Minnesota and something’s got to give.  I think this is the week they finally lose one.  Khalil and Olsen are probable for Carolina as well.  I know Carolina is an unimpressive 2-3-1 at home but I think they bounce back after a loss and Minnesota can afford a loss; especially coming to the tail end of a road trip.  

Take Cam and the boys +2.5

Miami is getting a bushel of points, 11, home against the Patriots.  I know, betting against the Patriots is suicide 9/10 times.  Yes, I know the Pats are 12-0 in November or later.  Here’s why I like Miami: Pats are 1-3-1 in Miami and no Gronk.  I think the Pats run the ball and kill the clock.  I also think the Pats may get caught looking forward to Pittsburgh next week.  11 is the perfect number to backdoor with.  

Dolphins and the +11 sounds like a plan to me.

The lock of the week is a no-brainer.  I’m talking a no-brainer on the scale of the scale of, “Do I eat steak or do I fuck Lena Dunham?”  The Philadelphia Eagles were brought back to Earth last week in Seattle.  They stayed on the West Coast this week to practice and keep their body clocks right.  The Rams players are dealing with the fires ravaging their lands like hipsters ravaging their parents’ dreams of not being sniveling pussies.  This is going to be the game of the day but I think Philly answers back for being held down in Seattle.  And I promise you, those dirt merchant Eagles fans will take over the stadium where they have an AVERAGE home field situation. 

Eagles as a pick em on the road.