6-3 last week! 2 out of 3 weeks, I’ve won you money. And not one of you sent me a cut or a thank you note. Didn’t your mothers teach you better manners? I didn’t take Thursday night’s game as I debated about Minnesota (push) and the under (definite miss. I think we all know the Rams over will be the lock of the week for the season.)
Breakdown: I took Indy and the under, Jets under, Cincy over, Miami, and the Saints. The Giants under missed with exactly 1 second left on the clock and of course, that was the big bet of the week. Lost the TB under on Monday night, lost the Niners when Jimmy G snapped that ACL but will still be snapping that porn star puss. 15-8 on the year, why the fuck don’t I have a gambling show yet??!?!?!
The Oakland Raiders are 0-3, just like most of their fans’ parole hearings. Are they that bad or the victims of bad luck? They’ve blown 3 leads at halftime and now they get Baker Mayfield on the road in his first start? In the black hole? Remember when betting, you’re playing the number, which is Oak -2.5 here. Home field is 3 points so what Vegas is trying to say is Cleveland is .5 better than Oakland on a neutral site? With a QB who has ONE HALF under his belt. Not buying it. And Oakland is due for a win, especially at home. Oh yeah, rookie QBs making their first start on the road? ZERO out of 10.
Take the Raiders -2.5. I may even take the under 45 as Oak under 9/10, 5/5 at home, and 4/5 vs Cleveland.
You know what Carson Wentz didn’t do last week? Throw for a shitload of yards and TDs, just like I said he wouldn’t. And now they face a rather stingy Tennessee defense. And Tennessee’s Mariota looks like he got hit by that volcano eruption in his native Hawaii. Tennessee is also a heavy run offense. How do the Eagles fare against the run? #2, just like me in the bathroom 5 minutes ago? Titans have scored totals of 17, 20, and 9 pts this year. Eagles have scored 20, 21, and 18 this year. This game screams 17-13 so let’s be wise and take
Tennessee under 41.5, I bought the .5
Atlanta defense is like the testimony of the second Cavanaugh accuser, possibly full of holes and supposedly gang banged up. Missing both starting safeties is not a way to start against Andy Dalton, who has been slinging it all over the place. Much like a recently divorced woman at an Appelebee’s on a Friday night. 1/2 off appetizers will get her pants fully off in that bathroom! Falcons just played nearly 5 quarters against the Saints and that defense is as gassed like a fat kid doing suicides. Not shooting up a school and then killing himself, I’m talking about running back and forth for an hour straight followed up by puking. You know, the good ol days where coaches would call you a faggot for missing the cutoff man. Cincy lists AJ Green as probable so that’s huge. The only thing that scares is the line opened +5.5 and now it’s down to 3.5.
Take the Bengals while you can get the 3.5, it’s still a good number.
Sigh, I said I don’t do normally do this…I know, I sound like a woman during a one night stand. But I’m going to make a case for the NY Giants and break my own rule of betting them. Saints played nearly 5 quarters last week. And that defense stinks worse than my house after a night of my wife’s Buffalo wing dip (to die for) and beers. Saints defense AVERAGES 33 points again. And now they’re on the road but more importantly, outside of a dome. The Giants beat them the last time they came to Giants stadium and now they’re catching 3.5? Saints are 1-5 SU in NY and the under has hit 5/7 when they’ve played? Vernon and Apple are out again on defense. Then again, they were out last week against Houston and they won.
Let’s cross those fingers and toes and take the Giants +3.5
I kinda like but probably won’t bet: GB (home against a Bills team who shot their load last week), Detroit +3, Jets +7.5 (3rd road game in a row kind of scares me about the Jets but the number is right), Chargers -10.5 (Large number, may buy it down to 9.5, depends how I do with the 1pm games.)
And now it’s time for the lock of the week. Quite shocked this number is moving this way and a bit annoyed I locked in too earlier. But the Colts -1.5 (now a pick ’em or even +1) is a steal. Hopkins went through limited practice with a couple of injuries, limited as questionable, but he’ll go. And Houston’s secondary is trash. Houston 2-7-2 playing Indy, 2-5-1 in Indy. Colts could’ve won in weeks 1 and 3 EASILY. They’re 2-1 ATS and could be 2-1-1 if they didn’t turn it over late week 1.
I have the Colts at -1.5 but you can get them at a Pick or even +1, get that NOW if you can.
Some weeks you’re the hammer, some you’re the nail. Last week, I went 3-5 (technically 3-4 because I didn’t get the Pitt pick in so I saved a few bucks). I lost on Houston (Hey Deshaun Watson, when you have 14 seconds left, don’t scramble around while looking for an open receiver. Throw it away and give the kicker a shot.) I lost on Philly who let Fitzpatrick go all Fitzpatrick over them. The Giants offensive line let Dallas defense gangbang Eli Manning. However, the Giants didn’t score and neither Dallas so the under hit. The Jets under also hit and the Chargers forced Vontae Davis to quit in halftime in their easy cover. I also took the Seahawks on Monday night who took a colossal dump on themselves against the Bears as Russ Wilson threw a pick 6 when on a potential game tying drive late in the 4th quarter. So last night, 9/20, I took the Browns under 41 against the Jets. Amazing how I had to sweat that under out for so long as Tyrod and Darnold did their best impressions of kids with no arms trying to play jai alai. But then Baker Mayfield comes in, wins the game, and unlocks the Bud Light fridges for the city of Cleveland. And just for one evening, everyone in Cleveland enjoyed themselves and forgot how ugly everyone is in that town.
So 1-0 to start this week, let’s get you (and me) more freeeeeeeee money.
Carson Wentz is back this week and I think he’s going to look like Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy. The Eagles definitely rushed him back and it’s going to show. Wentz is going to be treated with kid gloves and he’s without a ton of options: Jay Alai is probably out, no Alshon Jeffrey, no Mike Wallace. They’re going to hand it off a lot and keep him safe. The Colts come in after beating the Skins and Luck still isn’t airing it deep yet. I don’t see this being a high scoring affair and the stats back it up: 9/10 have went under for Indy and recently 5/5 have went under for Indy. Philly also has been an under machine, 5/6 at home were under. And Philly is still perfect as a garbage town with garbage fans.
Take the under 47 and the Colts + 7.
Like “men” who play Pokemon go, they don’t score. You know who else doesn’t score? The NY football Giants. Eli Manning’s offensive line is like Ray Liotta’s face. Full of holes and hard to watch. I learned my lesson, again, about betting them as I thought they would show up against Dallas. Houston finally comes home but they’re not lighting up the scoreboard. They floundered in NE and Tennessee. Giants are 5/6 with the under on the road and 8 of their last 9 under. Houston also on the under train, 6/7. I think the Giants are going to cover 6 this week but I’d rather lay my money on a sure thing; which is your wife after a few too many Long Island Ice Teas what she tells you is her,
girls’ night out”. But I’ll settle for the second best lock.
Take the Giants under 42.
Home field is usually 3 points in the NFL. So you mean to tell me that if the Packers played the Redskins on a neutral field, they’re an evenly matched team? Right now, Aaron Rodgers is listed as questionable but it’s not the usual questionable. He didn’t practice all last week, deemed questionable, but played on Sunday. Rodgers hasn’t practiced all week and is again on track to play on Sunday. The Skins are banged up and aren’t exactly lighting up the scoreboard; 9 points against the Colts and 24 against AZ. Rodgers admits the knee will be tough to heel. Speaking of healing, nothing worse than dealing with A) a blister on your foot B) burn on the roof of your mouth or C) getting into a salt water tank with an exposed hemorrhoid. Washington is recently 5/5 and 4/5 with the under at home. There’s a chance of rain but a better chance of this game going
GB Under 45.5 but hold on to see if it climbs by Sunday.
The Bengals made the Ravens look worse than the Baltimore school system. No Joe Mixon so I’ll wager they air it out more; especially with PPR sensation, Giovanni Bernard now the lead back. 10 days to plan out how to gash the Carolina defense. And Carolina is 7/10 over at home. Carolina just lost in a shootout to Atl and Cincy has put up 34 in each game this year. Let’s hope there’s a “hurricane” of points in Carolina on Sunday.
Take the Bengals over 44
The Saints have been more disappointing this year than the last season of Entourage/Entourage film/Ballers. Smell a theme? Yeah Marky Mark, I’m talking to you, Mr 22 Mile. Jesus, it must be great not to have to read a script in the last 10 years when they offer 25 million plus a film. Brees on the road? Meh. Brees on the road in a dome, I’m tumescent. A banged up Julio Jones, although he’s practiced this week, but other key players on the o-line and D are banged up for the Falcons. Saints 13-5-1 on the road and 4-2 vs ATL. But to me, this is a, “if not now, when?” game for the Saints. They need a convincing road win and this is the time.
Saints +2.5 (I Bought the .5 point to +3)
SF is on the road in KC this week. Do I think Jimmy G can backdoor a cover and then backdoor his porn star gf? Easily. The KC defense is sloppier than a Kansas family of 5 taking down a Golden Corral buffet after sunday church. SF is 7-3 ATS on the road and KC let Pitt right back into the game after going up 3 scores early. No other pithy jokes or observations here.
Take the Niners +6.5 (I bought the half point to +7)
And since I’m tired of analysis and jokes for the last pick, the Raiders fly 3000 miles to play in 90 degree heat and give another lackluster performance. And it’s your typical, west coast flies east to play a 1pm game.
Go with the Dolphins -3 (I bought the .5 point to -2.5)
Some of you love to wish away my summer. Well congrats, it’s now gone. Thanks a lot, you vortexes of fun. The only good news is that leaves me with a couple of things: my annual trip to Vegas and of course, FREEEEEE MONEY! So I’m writing out my picks on Thursday night, 9/6, and we’re going bare bones this article. Why? Because my flight leaves in a few hours and you’re not paying me for these. Even though last year, I was 58%.
I took Philly under 45. Because Nick Foles isn’t looking good in the preseason and at time of this article, he’s not looking good now.
You should know that under are the soup d jours in the first 2 weeks of the year as most offensive still haven’t fully clicked. And with that gem, I also locked in Pitt under 44 because Pitt has gone under 7/8 on the road, 8/11 playing Cleveland, and 5/5 when playing in Cleveland. Pitt is also 13-2-1 under on the road, yikes. And there are chances of thunderstorms. Remember, Ben sucks on the road.
Whenever a team has to travel far, don’t expect much scoring. And with that theme, let’s also take the Cardinals under 43.5. Washington has gone under 4/6 and 4/6 in AZ. AZ has gone under 10/15 and 14/20. And they have to travel 1500 miles with Alex Smith learning the ropes in game 1. New QB for Arizona, uh oh. Wait, never mind. It’s Sam Bradford, who’s barely played in the last 3 years. Carry on.
The sharps talked me into taking the Bengals +3 (I’m buying the half point). Luck hasn’t thrown downfield all preseason? And who else on that offense scares you? Exactly. How is their defense? Still garbage? Thought so. Bengals front 7 is solid and also has a good o line. I might even take the under 48 as Indy is 5/5 on the under and 5/5 under at home. Also, 5/5 at home playing Cincy.
In my only favorite of the week, no way (watch it happen now) the Jets go into Detroit and cover. Rookie QB Sam Darnold won’t be looking to air it out, he’ll be playing it safe in his debut. Jets are 2-5 ATS and 1-3-1 on the road. Take the Lions -6.
Dallas and Carolina ALEADY have banged up offensive lines? Jesus, that was fast. Cowboys on the road: under hit 4/5 and 8/9. Dallas with no one on offense but Zeke? I MAY take Carolina under 42.
I love the Saints but I don’t know about laying that NAWWWWNE and a half. I may take them on the money line at -440 but let’s see…
Those are your picks for week 1 and if you want to follow along on my win total bets, I took Baltimore under 8, Cleveland under 5.5 (GTFO, they’re not going from 0 to 6 wins in a season, and Buffalo under 5.5.
Drink em if you got em, folks. This is the real last week of the NFL season as we all know the Super Bowl is more pageantry than game. This is the last week we get to bet on more than 1 NFL game so it’s bittersweet as it’s the beginning of the end of football. And then after the Super Bowl, we ahead into the great abyss. Or as I call it, Tera Patrick’s gash. 3-4 last week, 6-4 overall. I snuck out the Pats over, thanked Christ the Eagles missed the PAT to get my first half under, and had a puckered up asshole as Vikes late TD didn’t kick the PAT to cover the Saints. Lost Pitt, the under, Vikes under, and the Falcons. We all watched Matt Ryan pull off his best “Crohn’s disease patient fucking a woman on his period” impression: shitting his pants in the red zone. I give that joke a 6.5.
Tom Brady was hurt in practice when a teammate’s helmet accidentally smashed in his hand. Or so the “liberal media” would want you to think. I’m sure he really got the injury when one of Giselle’s hooves crushed his hand when he tried reaching for a candy bar. Jacksonville comes in after a stunning win in Pittsburgh where they dropped 21 on Pitt faster than a Vietnamese black jack dealer in Vegas. Let’s talk stats: Jacksonville is on its 2nd road game in 3 weeks while the Pats have slept in their own beds for a month. And teams that put up 40+ in the playoffs the previous week (Jags)? 4-25-1 ATS. Jags are 2-5 vs NE, 1-5 in NE. Pats are 6-0 ATS at home, 10-1 of their last 11. Blake Bortles passer rating is fucking TERRIBLE when they’re behind, 55 QBR. Do you think the Pats are going to let them get ahead? They’re going to take Leonard Fournette out early and make Blake Bortles beat them. Btw, Bortles averaging 151 passing yds and with a 53% completion rate. And do you think the Patriots are going to take their foot off the gas? Nope. They’ve outscored their opponents in the playoffs, 80-25 in the 2nd half in the last 4 playoff games.
Let’s talk over/under. Pats have hit the under 9/13 but 8/11 over at home. Jaguars vs Patriots are under 4/6 times as well as 4/6 under in NE.
The facts are here: Take the Patriots -7.5 and under 46.5
This last game had me debating for the entire week. The Vikings are good on the road, the Eagles are good at home. Both teams could have EASILY lost last week. Both teams are playing with house money as their backup QBs haven’t flinched, yet. We all know my distaste for that goddamn awful town. Nick Foles is one of the worst in 3rd and long situations. Believe it or not, the Vikings D is better on the road than at home (329 yds allowed vs 387 at home) and the Vikes D is top 5 against the run. But the Eagles D has also been fantastic, 20 points allowed in 3 games. Philly has been 2-4 ATS and under 6/6. Also 5/6 under at home.
I’m still not sure but leaning Vikings -3 and under 38.5. I’m definitely jumping on the Vikes if it gets to 2.5.
Happy gambling and don’t be afraid to grab the first half unders again.
I’ll take my usual bow at the beginning of the column and say yet again, another fantastic week for Herr Gootee. 3-0 last week as the Jax first half under, Saints over, and KC under (thought I had a clenched asshole for the last hour of that game) all came in to cover. This week, I think it’s a harder crop of games as the numbers are a bit wonky. Does Tom Brady and the Pats take all the bulletin board material (Discourse in the Pats locker room and Titans safety talking shit) and go into pure, “fuck you” mode? Do the Vikings take one more step to becoming the first team in a Super Bowl that hosts the game? Do Eagle fans continue their streak of shitting the bed while their white trash, vile fans create a riot after their backup QB loses the game? I’ll bet the ranch and your ranch that they’ll do that if Philly loses well because, a tiger doesn’t change his stripes. Onto the picks.
The aforementioned white trash wasteland known as Philadelphia hosts the red hot (yes, you read that right) Atlanta Falcons at the Stink this weekend. Atlanta has had to damn near win out while Philly has been on autopilot for 3 weeks, including a bye. But, in the 2 games Philly has played, they’ve combined for 19 points. Yes, one was meaningless in week 17 but not a good look when you’re prepping for the playoffs, especially with a backup QB. The line is 3 so let’s break that down: Home field is 3 points so what this is saying to me is that on a neutral field Matt Ryan and Nick Foles are considered even? Get the fuck out of here. Yes, I know it’s a dome team out in the cold where those teams are 4-24 in January. And I know Atlanta has been on the road for 4/5 of their last games. But the Atlanta defense can hold down NICK FOLES. And can you say with confidence that you’re going to put money. On Nick Foles. In a playoff game?
I think people are afraid to call Philly a paper tiger as there has never been #1 seed that’s an underdog. But, let’s also look at numbers: Atlanta under, 5/5. 4/5 under on the road. 9/12 under against Philly and 5/7 under in Philly. Lastly, Philly has been under in 5/7. Let’s also add that it’s cold there today in the city that considers grade D shaved meat with synthetic cheese a “gourmet experience.” I think both teams start off slow and try to figure each other out so…
I took first half under 20 and I’ll buy the .5 to get Atlanta at -2.5
Tom Brady is butthurt that Jimmy Garrapolo could have been a threat to his legacy so he had him shipped off. This is some real Sopranos shit here; didn’t Tony debate about having Christopher knocked off because he also viewed him as a threat? Don’t flood my inbox with corrections because I haven’t watched the show since it unceremoniously ended in one of the laziest endings ever written. I know Montana was getting upset that Steve Young was about to and did take his job. But only time will tell if Jimmy G meets up to everyone’s lofty expectations. And why does every male sportscaster have to swoon about his looks. Guys, calm down with that. Women went gaga over Derek Jeter. I went gaga because he delivered clutch hits in October so let’s leave it at that.
The 13.5 is quite lofty and the Pats rarely get backdoored (go ahead and insert your lazy butt sex reference in here, I’m trying to bang out this column before I appear on a podcast to talk about Comics Watching Comics for the umpteenth time this week. Fuck it, I’ll shoehorn a plug into my own column.) The Pats have outscored opponents in the 2nd half, 66-18, in their last 3 playoff games. Meaning they don’t take the foot off the gas. BUT the Pats against the run are like Alabama fans in SAT scores, dead last. Derrick Henry ran all over the Chiefs so expect the Pats to key in on him. That leaves Corey Davis, Erick Decker, and Delanie Walker left as the main options for Marcus Mariota. Do any of them get your dick hard? Me neither but I think the Titans can chase points and keep it closer and make Brady throw it late in the game; facing the Titans 24th ranked pass D. But would I be shocked if this game ends up 35-14? Nope. So what am I saying? I’m saying the Pats are 7/10 over at home, I’m saying Tenn in NE has been over 6/7. I’m saying Tenn and NE has gone over 7/10 at home.
Pats/Titans over 48 is the play.
Pittsburgh gets a chance to redeem themselves after Ben gave it up more than a black family at a high school graduation. Jesus, I wish my parents hooted and yelled that loud. The only thing they yelled was, “Get a fucking job because interns don’t get paid shit.” This next handicap is really based on the eye test and some stats. Blake Bortles was fucking ghastly last week, having more rushing yards than throwing yards. At home. In 60 degree weather. Only time that’s ever happened is when I played as Michael Vick in Madden. And this was against a mediocre Bills defense. So what do you think is going to happen when he’s in Pittsburgh. In 20 degree weather. Facing a team with a solid pass rush. Yeah, not much.
I see both teams running the ball as each team’s rush defense isn’t stellar. In fact, Jax run d is 30th! Plus, I think they’ll want to slowly dip their toes in the water and not air it out early as Bortles is always a nanosecond from going full Bortles. And Ben got picked 5 times. BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! Jax is surprisingly successful in Pittsburgh, 12-5 and recently 4-1 ATS. Pitt is 1-5 of late and 1-4 at home. Again, the eye test screams Pitt but they’ve also been known to play to the level of their competition. Jax under has hit 4/6 on the road and 15/23. Pitt at home has gone over 5/6 and 5/7 recently. I think Pitt is going to win and probably cover as well as go under but I’m going to go with my gut when I put my money down.
And my gut says take the first half under again. I don’t have a number yet but I’m taking it.
Lastly, the Saints head to Minnesota where everyone and their mothers love the Vikings. And why not? The numbers of the Vikings have been insanely 1 sided. Vikes are 11-4-1 ATS and I’ve made a ton of money betting on them. They have a great defense: 276 ypg average, 10.6 pig, and +137 yds over an opponent at home. But the Saints (who I have to win the NFC at 6/1) despite being 1-4 ATS of late, do have some success on the road, 12-5-1 on the road ATS. They are 2-4 in Minnesota, and 2-7 against Minnesota. If this game gets to 6 or more, I may take it. I may take the over 48 as recently, 4/6 have gone over and 6/7 over in Minnesota. BUT the Saints are under 4/6 on the road. Man, so many conflicting stats. I just may see how I do and then go on my gut. But there’s one stat that stares at me square in the eyes, THIS IS THE BIGGEST GAME THAT CASE KEENUM HAS PLAYED IN.
Probably the over and possibly the Saints…depending on the numbers.