NFL picks ATS week 3

Some weeks you’re the hammer, some you’re the nail.  Last week, I went 3-5 (technically 3-4 because I didn’t get the Pitt pick in so I saved a few bucks).  I lost on Houston (Hey Deshaun Watson, when you have 14 seconds left, don’t scramble around while looking for an open receiver.  Throw it away and give the kicker a shot.)   I lost on Philly who let Fitzpatrick go all Fitzpatrick over them.  The Giants offensive line let Dallas defense gangbang Eli Manning.  However, the Giants didn’t score and neither Dallas so the under hit.  The Jets under also hit and the Chargers forced Vontae Davis to quit in halftime in their easy cover.  I also took the Seahawks on Monday night who took a colossal dump on themselves against the Bears as Russ Wilson threw a pick 6 when on a potential game tying drive late in the 4th quarter.  So last night, 9/20, I took the Browns under 41 against the Jets.  Amazing how I had to sweat that under out for so long as Tyrod and Darnold did their best impressions of kids with no arms trying to play jai alai.  But then Baker Mayfield comes in, wins the game, and unlocks the Bud Light fridges for the city of Cleveland.  And just for one evening, everyone in Cleveland enjoyed themselves and forgot how ugly everyone is in that town.

So 1-0 to start this week, let’s get you (and me) more freeeeeeeee money.

Carson Wentz is back this week and I think he’s going to look like Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy.  The Eagles definitely rushed him back and it’s going to show.  Wentz is going to be treated with kid gloves and he’s without a ton of options: Jay Alai is probably out, no Alshon Jeffrey, no Mike Wallace.  They’re going to hand it off a lot and keep him safe.  The Colts come in after beating the Skins and Luck still isn’t airing it deep yet.  I don’t see this being a high scoring affair and the stats back it up: 9/10 have went under for Indy and recently 5/5 have went under for Indy. Philly also has been an under machine, 5/6 at home were under.  And Philly is still perfect as a garbage town with garbage fans.

Take the under 47 and the Colts + 7.

Like “men” who play Pokemon go, they don’t score.  You know who else doesn’t score?  The NY football Giants.  Eli Manning’s offensive line is like Ray Liotta’s face.  Full of holes and hard to watch.  I learned my lesson, again, about betting them as I thought they would show up against Dallas.  Houston finally comes home but they’re not lighting up the scoreboard.  They floundered in NE and Tennessee.  Giants are 5/6 with the under on the road and 8 of their last 9 under.  Houston also on the under train, 6/7.  I think the Giants are going to cover 6 this week but I’d rather lay my money on a sure thing; which is your wife after a few too many Long Island Ice Teas what she tells you is her,
girls’ night out”.  But I’ll settle for the second best lock.

Take the Giants under 42.

Home field is usually 3 points in the NFL.  So you mean to tell me that if the Packers played the Redskins on a neutral field, they’re an evenly matched team?  Right now, Aaron Rodgers is listed as questionable but it’s not the usual questionable.  He didn’t practice all last week, deemed questionable, but played on Sunday.  Rodgers hasn’t practiced all week and is again on track to play on Sunday.  The Skins are banged up and aren’t exactly lighting up the scoreboard; 9 points against the Colts and 24 against AZ.  Rodgers admits the knee will be tough to heel.  Speaking of healing, nothing worse than dealing with A) a blister on your foot B) burn on the roof of your mouth or C) getting into a salt water tank with an exposed hemorrhoid.  Washington is recently 5/5 and 4/5 with the under at home. There’s a chance of rain but a better chance of this game going 

GB Under 45.5 but hold on to see if it climbs by Sunday.  

The Bengals made the Ravens look worse than the Baltimore school system.  No Joe Mixon so I’ll wager they air it out more; especially with PPR sensation, Giovanni Bernard now the lead back.  10 days to plan out how to gash the Carolina defense.  And Carolina is 7/10 over at home.  Carolina just lost in a shootout to Atl and Cincy has put up 34 in each game this year.  Let’s hope there’s a “hurricane” of points in Carolina on Sunday.

Take the Bengals over 44

The Saints have been more disappointing this year than the last season of Entourage/Entourage film/Ballers.  Smell a theme?  Yeah Marky Mark, I’m talking to you, Mr 22 Mile.  Jesus, it must be great not to have to read a script in the last 10 years when they offer 25 million plus a film.  Brees on the road?  Meh. Brees on the road in a dome, I’m tumescent.  A banged up Julio Jones, although he’s practiced this week, but other key players on the o-line and D are banged up for the Falcons.  Saints 13-5-1 on the road and 4-2 vs ATL.  But to me, this is a, “if not now, when?” game for the Saints.  They need a convincing road win and this is the time.

Saints +2.5 (I Bought the .5 point to +3)

SF is on the road in KC this week. Do I think Jimmy G can backdoor a cover and then backdoor his porn star gf?  Easily. The KC defense is sloppier than a Kansas family of 5 taking down a Golden Corral buffet after sunday church.  SF is 7-3 ATS on the road and KC let Pitt right back into the game after going up 3 scores early.  No other pithy jokes or observations here.

Take the Niners +6.5 (I bought the half point to +7)

And since I’m tired of analysis and jokes for the last pick, the Raiders fly 3000 miles to play in 90 degree heat and give another lackluster performance.  And it’s your typical, west coast flies east to play a 1pm game.  

Go with the Dolphins -3 (I bought the .5 point to -2.5) 

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Week 2 NFL ATS picks

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This guy promised you free money.  I’m GIVING you free money!

When you’re good, take a bow.  And goddamn, am I good!  Last week, 6-1, repeat 6-1, while in Vegas with my buddies.  We ate like kings, drank the uncle who was too touchy feely with your sister, and screamed about all that FREEEE MONEY we received.  Dal under, AZ under, Cincy, Rams, Philly under, and the “what not to do in overtime” clinic put on by the Browns and Steelers brought me my final winner.  For those of you while are going to hear this story for the rest of your lives, Cle got 2 TDs late to tie the game up. I had the under at 44 and the score going into halftime was 21-21.  Translation: 99.5% of the time, I’m fucked.  But because Ben can’t close on the road or a mouthy coed in a bar bathroom and Cleveland went all Cleveland; neither team scored and the under held on by your mothers’ steel wool pubes.  The only I lost was the Saints money line and boy, was that a hit in the pocket as the money line was -550.  And now since we have more time to write this article while Predator is on in the background, my daughter is eating popcorn, and my wife is preparing for 4 eventual moments of randy talk, let’s get to the picks!

The Filthadelphia Eagles showed that they sucked less against Matt Ryan on the road last week.  Atlanta had 20 penalties, which is 4 less than crybaby Venus Williams had at the US Open.  Was it Venus or Serena?  I don’t care.  Tennis is a half step above soccer, NASCAR, and people who play Pokemon.  Ok fat nerds, 1997 is over.  Stop chasing fake Japanese turtles in traffic while listening to Goo Goo Dolls and go do a few laps around the track that bullies chased you around in gym class.  So now Philly goes down to Tamp-er, as that morbidly obese, real life Comic Book Guy, Mike Francesa would say.  Tampa took the tits out of the Saints in their own building last week.  Do you think Tampa has it in them for back to back wins?  Statistics don’t think so.  Fitzpatrick is 1-9-1 ATS after a win.  Philly 4-2 ATS and 5-1 on the road.  Tampa is 2-4 at home against Philly.  And they’ve lost Hargroves and Grimes in the secondary.  Oh yeah, DeSean Jackson is in concussion protocol after he scored a TD and DIDN’T spike the ball before the end zone…for once.  Lastly, Philly has had 10 days to prep for this game.  You’re only laying 3 and that’s a bargain.  

I’m taking buying the Birds down to -2.5

Just read that Marcus Mariota although banged up, is going to play this Sunday.  And apparently, backup Blaine Gabbert is going to play as well.  Well, you know the old saying, when you have 2 QBs, you have zero QBs.  Tennessee showed me nothing last week and although Watson wasn’t good at all in NE, the Texans were hanging tight against the Pats.  Houston 11-3 ATS as well as 5-2 ATS in Tennessee.  Hopkins is probable for Houston and Delanie Walker is out for the year for the Titans.  And hell, I even like the under 43 as there is supposed to be some rain.  Maybe the hurricane reaches there as plays a role.  

But I’m buying down the Texans to -2.5 for sure and maybe the under 44

The Steelers are back home where you’ll hear one of the worst accents in the world.  Yinz? Pop?  Jesus, can you people NOT home school your kids when you dropped out of the 6th grade to work in the coal mines?  But there are 3 things for sure: Death, Taxes, and Toronto relief pitcher Tyler Clippard shitting the bed.  And the 4th is usually Ben Rothliesberger at home; ESPECIALLY after a shit tie.  And who has the Cleveland under 5.5 for the season?  Your favorite neighborhood handicapper.  The Chiefs defense got gouged but hung on against the Chargers last week.  No Eric “Dingle” Berry for the Chiefs.  Ben and the boys actually close a game out in Pittsburgh while Leveon Bell misses out on another 500k game check.  The last time someone avoided Pennsylvania this long, it cost her the election.  Zing!

I’m buying the Steelers down to -2.5

The Jets shocked the world when they beat Detroit.  Detroit shocked everyone when Matt Stafford did his best Nathan Peterman impression.  Are the Jets going to score a lot of points again?  No. Miami is going to come into the Meadowlands and cool down from those points they put up in that marathon last week against the Titans.  Jets got 5 TOs and a lot of POT.  Sam Darnold won’t be winging it all over the place.  Miami is 6/8 under in NY so we’re going to make this easy and take.

Jets under 43

I love the Chargers in Buffalo because well, it’s Buffalo.  And they stink.  And they’re starting a rookie QB.  Also, the Chargers offense will light it up against a hangdog Buffalo D.  I know the whole, west coast team flying east for a 1pm game argument but the Bills are so bad, I don’t care.  I bought the point and took…

Chargers -6.5

Lastly, here are 6 words you RARELY hear me say: I love the Giants this week.  They had a chance or 2 to take down the Jags.  Dallas looks AWFUL, ZERO offense for them.  They didn’t cross the 50 until the THIRD QUARTER last week.  I just think the Giants are not doing 0-2 again this year.  And getting 3?  Sure, why not?  Watch this game be 21-10 Dallas.  But here’s an absolute LOCK:  The Giants are 7/8 with the under and Dallas is 5/5 in recent under.  Giants/Dallas go under 4/5.  Eli and his moderately confused looking face win in a low scoring fashion.

Take the Giants +3 and the Under 41.5

Week 12 NFL picks against the spread

4-3 last week as GB smoked that over to put me above .500 for the week.  Let’s give a shoutout to that Jacksonville coach, fuckwad Doug Marrone, as he decided erase all good karma by throwing the the ball deep in Jax territory with little time left on the clock in the 4th quarter in a tied game.  Common sense would have had him run out the clock so they can get to OT.  Jacksonville had a nice comeback, tying it up from down 13 and then watched my money disappear like Rob Schneider’s career as Phil Dawson kicked a 57 yd fg to seal it for the Cardinals.  Indy lost by .5 as they gave up a late TD and blew a decent lead.  However, the Pats cruised to the over as the aforementioned GB/Pitt over.  The Niners hung tight for awhile but Russell Wilson poured it on late.  The Bengals did smoke the Browns like I foresaw as well.  Do I go back to the well with the Jags?  Read on and find out.  BTW, I took the Skins on Thursday night and Kirk Cousins went Kirk Cameron on me.  Praying for something good to happen and it never did.  Now THAT’S how you write a joke.  So I’m 0-1 to start the week.  Also, I put down money on the Saints to win the NFC championship at 6-1 odds.  Wish me luck.

Short answer, yep.  And as sad as this is going to sound, I have Blake Bortles going for me to determine if I get a first round bye in fantasy football.  You’re probably asking yourself if I’m throwing the game so I don’t get the bye by starting Bortles and I would too if the shoe was on the other foot.  Problem is, I drafted Eli Manning very late and then dropped him for Alex Smith who played out of his mind for nearly 2 months.  Then Alex Smith started looking like Alex Trebek for too long.  My buddy snaked Case Keenum off the wire so I was left with Bortles or Gabbert.  So cross your fingers that Bortles eviscerates the Indy defense which resembles Jenna Jameson’s butthole.  Let’s cross your toes and tongue that Marquis Lee and Leonard Fournette also have good days for your favorite sports handicapper.  The Jags are 5-0 ATS vs Indy and that should be all you need to know.  Ok, another nugget.  Indy is 2-4 ATS on the road.  The Jags losing in such an ugly fashion should be the perfect time to take them in the bounce back to put them smack in the middle of the division race.  

Take the Jags -9.5

What can you say about the Patriots that hasn’t been said, especially the cheating and shitty fans elements?  But give the White Devil his due, Bellichek is a covering machine and this week, those rapscallions are in Buffalo which is almost another home game for them.  Pats are recently 5-0 ATS, 7-1 on the road, and 4-1 in Buff.  Buffalo recently 2-4-1, 2-4-1 vs the Pats, and 2-10-1 home vs NE.  In the last month, Buffalo has put up over 20 2x but both when they were getting blown out in garbage time.  Buffalo has no WR and the Pats D has improved of late.  I don’t see much going for the Bills except a lot of, “wait till next decade” talk.

Take the Pats -9

Minnesota has been on one hell of a cinderella ride this year, despite losing their rookie RB, Dalvin Cook, and riding the coattails of a QB named Case.  Seriously, who names their kid, Case?  I hope his parents finished the joke and named his brother, Closed.  Wacka, wacka, wacka.  The Vikes had 10 days off after dismantling the Lions to prep for the Falcons who have had a mild resurgence.  I think that the Vikings being 15-8 on the road and Atlanta 1-3-1 vs Minny should be good enough reasons to take the Purple team this week.  I also like the over and the numbers back it up: Minn is 4/5 hitting the overs and hit 5/7 of them on the road.  Falcons have put up 30+ 3 times this year but don’t expect them to replicate that against a solid Vikes D.  

Take the Vikings +3 and the over 47

The Lions were smoked last week and now they head to Baltimore, who couldn’t cover against the hapless Texans.  Matt Stafford looked like he ate John Madden before the game on Thanksgiving so I think they play better.  Baltimore doesn’t inspire confidence at home, as they’re 2-4 ATS.  And Detroit of late is 2-4-1 ATS.  But I tell you what jumps out at me, the over.  Detroit has been hot with the over of late, 6/7 and 4/6 vs Bal.  The Ravens have recently hit the over 5/7.  So let’s see if backwards hat Matt Stafford can put up enough to hit and Joe Flacco puts up his usual pick 6 so we can hit…

The over 43.5

The lock of the week was easier than all of your mothers this week.  Yep, 41 years old and not afraid to drop a, “your mother” joke in there.  This isn’t the NY Times, folks.  The Saints lost a tough one in LA last week and now they’re back to home, sweet home.  When the Saints are home and have a winning record, they’re 17-3-1 out of their last 21.  Holy.  Christ.  Saints are 4-0-1 vs Carolina while the Panthers are 2-4 in NO.  Saints are recently 6-3 ATS and now after a loss?  Yeah, they’re fired up and playing Carolina who A) got lucky that the Jets went FULL Jets and gave up a late lead AGAIN.  Oh yeah, Carolina backdoored the cover with a late FG.  Olsen is banged up again and Cam didn’t play well against the Jets.  I just see the #Pangeabirthmarkface demolishing the Panthers at home and really no other way around it.  I kind of like the over but I don’t know if Carolina will put up their end to cover.  Although the last 2 times these teams played in NO, they combined for 79 points BOTH times.  

Love the Saints -5 and maybe the over 48.  

I kind of like:

The Jets to bounce back +3.  KC had a tough time in Giants Stadium last week and the Jets play well as home dogs.

LAC -13 getting revenge for the Browns beating them last year.

Rams -7 in AZ.  Do you think Blaine Gabbert keeps this up, even though they’re home again?  I doubt it.

Niners +3 who are 4-2 on the road while the Bears are 0-4 ATS at home as favorites.

Detroit +3 who has had 10 days to prep against a team who has played nothing but backup QBs in their last stretch.  Bal 2-4 ATS at home as well.

TB over 45.  Jameis Winston is back so I’m laying off this.  The line opened GB +2 but the pros jumped on that immediately and now is GB -2.5

 

 

Week 16 NFL Picks Against the Spread ATS

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5-4 last week, worst week I’ve had in a while but still over .500 for the week so the streak continues.  But first, Merry xmas and happy hannukah. The picks are coming early as they are a shitload of games tomorrow vs Sunday. Hopefully you have a betting day than Carrie Fisher’s recent plane ride. I have a lot of facts for you but doesn’t meant I’m taking ALL of these games. Check my fb video with my little Aryan offspring tomorrow for the official picks. But I guarantee that the picks I make are from this list.

I’m a student of trends and gut calls. That’s why I’m almost at 63% for the year.  So let’s get down to getting you (and me) freeeeee money!

You know the Jets are garbage and they proved that Sat night against the Dolphins. This week, they face Tom Brady and the Cheatriots. They already locked up a first rd bye. But I don’t see the Jets getting blown out. Jets are 7-0 ATS against the spread vs the pats and  Pats are 12-25 ats when they are favored by double digits. 17 points are wayyyyy too many. Pats will take their foot off the gas by halftime and I don’t care if Ray Lucas is quarterbacking. 

Take the Jets and a mountain of points.

I really like the Colts in Oakland this week. Indy destroyed the Vikes and their playoff chances last week.  Visitors are 15-2-1 ATS in Oakland and the Raiders as a home favorite are 10-24-1. Indy is 4-1 straight up against Oak and they’re getting 3. Shockingly, the Colts still are in the playoff race so this game means something for them.  And surprise, I like the over too. The Indy defense is trash and we know the Oak defense can be suspect. I loved Oak over last week but those assholes fumbled twice in the red zone as well as had to settle for a FG when they were first and goal on the 1. How about cold, hard facts? Indy has hit the over in 6/7 road games. Oak has hit over in 6/7 home games. overwhelming evidence like that has me plunking down cash on both.

Indy plus 3.5 and over 53

The Ravens let the Eagles score 9 points in 10 minutes last week to screw that bet. Then Doug Pederson in his infinite wisdom cuts it to 1 with a TD with :04 left and then goes for 2?  UGHH.  At least I could’ve had a shot in OT.  People shit on Eli for coughing up the ball but Flacco isn’t far behind; if not equal, in this department.  A fumble and pick in 2 different trips in the red zone sure didn’t help last week.  The line is Pitt -5 and that’s just way too high for them. No gut call here, 11/15 of their games have ended in 3 points or less.  Pitt is 5-0 ATS in their last 5 but this train stops cold here. 

Take the silly purple uniforms plus the 5.

The Bears are on fire and Matt Barkley is proving me wrong every week. Bears are 5-0 ats in their last 5 and in comes in Washington off a short week and a complete beating administered by the Carolina Panthers. Bears getting 3 at home after nearly upsetting GB? Why not?

I’m going with the Bears +3

Tampa covered for me last sun night against Dallas. In fact, they almost won. They beat the Saints 2 weeks ago in Tampa. Hence why everyone loved them this week, which scares the hell out of me.  I hate being on the public’s side and I think Saints can win -3 but not confident enough to take them. But here’s another stat: 11/13 of the games between the have resulted in an under. And it’s high this week, 52.

I’m taking the under Tampa 52, yet again.

Didn’t think I would be wagering on these idiots again this season but the time is right. The Rams are home against the Niners and Jeff Fisher is no longer the coach to screw things up with that 80’s porn mustache. The Niners are trash and the Rams came close to knocking off the Seahawks last Thursday. Nine days to prep for a team that hasn’t won since…beating the Rams week 1. I’m inclined to take the Rams -4 but here’s a few more numbers for you: Rams at home have hit the under 6/8 and 5/6 times vs the Niners.

For sure, taking the Under 40 and maybe Rams -4

Seattle has been off for 9 days as well and they’re up against an AZ d that got scorched in New Orleans. Sea on a 2nd straight home game is 22-7 and they’re also 19-4-1 ATS in Dec. the line is 8 and Carson Palmer can poop it up like no other. Here’s another fun fact: az is over 5/5 and 5/5 over on the road.

Probably taking Sea -8 and maybe over 43

Carolina on a short week and when Car and ATL play, 6/7 times are on the under when both teams play.  

I’m going with the under 51.

Packers are 13-1-1 against the spread at home and the Vikings are limping in and without Adrian Peterson.  

I’m taking Green Bay -7

And now, it’s time for my Stone Cold Lock of the Week.  (That’s a big lock)

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A lot of people are liking Miami in buffalo. Do I trust Matt Moore on the road? He destroyed the Jets last week, BFD. I have Landry in my fantasy championship so I hope he does it again. Let’s see him do this for 2 weeks straight. LeSean McCoy has been crushing run defenses like I was crushing puss a single dude. Those were the days, sigh. BUT let’s talk over/under. Buffalo has hit the over in 5 straight home games. Buffalo has hit the over in 9/10 games. And Miami has went over in 7/8. Those numbers are good enough for me.

Take Mia over 42

 

 

Week 12 picks ATS

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I feel like Tony Montana after he had that Mt Rainier of cocaine on his desk.  I feel like Eli Manning after he threw the fade to Plaxico in the first Super Bowl against the cheating, shitbag Pats.  I feel like Eli Manning when he perfectly dropped that ball in Mario Manningham’s basket in the 2nd Superbowl on his way to beating the cheating, shitbag Pats in the second Superbowl.  I feel like Derek Jeter after the flip play against the A’s in 2001.  I am KILLING it with the picks.  6-1 last week and 2-0 on Thanksgiving.  Not a bad way to enjoy the holiday.  Now if I could only get my hands on a NES classic or 4 so I can sell them for 200 bucks on Ebay.  Let’s talk picks:

Already hit Pitt -8 and Wash +7

San Diego does nothing but put up points.  San Diego does nothing but give up points.  Houston is home after getting screwed on monday night (Well, not according to me.  I had Oak -6.5 monday night so I felt just fine, thank you.)  I think both teams can easily put up in the 20’s making this an easy pick.

I’m taking SD over 46.5

Baltimore has a top 10 defense.  Cincinnatti has lost AJ Green and Giovanni Bernard which is 86% of their offense.  I pulled that number out of my ass but honestly, you would’ve bought that.  Baltimore is due for a win, they’re at home, and a wounded tiger may be quite dangerous but not when it’s missing 2 legs.  

I’m taking the Ravens -3.5

Trusting Atlanta to cover is like accepting a condom from a pledge in a fraternity.  You know the fucker poked holes in them so you really can’t trust them.  But I’m not trusting the Falcon’s defense to hold anyone.  I’m trusting both teams to score points. Atl off a bye and AZ can score against that putrid D.  Atl stink ATS at home so that’s why I’m shying away from ATL -6.  So…

I’m taking ATL over 50.5

The Pats are human.  They pushed with the Niners and Seattle gashed their D.  This team obviously is in the hands of Tom Brady.  Did I mention he has a gimpy knee?  It’s probably from when Giselle kicked him after he kept pulling away carrots and sugar cubes from her.  Boom!  Gronk is in but also banged up.  Let’s add that with the Jets do play them tight at home.  I know, trust Ryan Fitzpatrick?  Fucking crazy, I get it.  But the number is right and the Pats are susceptible now

The Packers are done, mentally and physically.  Aaron Rodgers isn’t the same.  Their secondary is worse than any Wes Anderson film.  That’s right, I said it.  That man is horrifically overrated and the hipsters place him in dead center of their alter.  The Eagles are undefeated ATS at home and after a thorough beating in Seattle and if Doug Pederson stops going for it on 4th down, they’ll cover this one easily.

I’m taking Philly -3

 

 

Ten Commandments of Wearing Jerseys to Sporting Events

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My father was NOT into sports AT ALL.  He could give 2 shits about who wins the World Series, Superbowl, but he always had a financial rooting interest in the Bud Bowls.  My brother and I got into sports and once a year, my father would take us to a Yanks or Mets game.  We would alternate years where we would go to the scary Bronx or Chop Shop Central Queens.  I’m the ardent Yanks fan and my brother was a closeted homosexual Mets Fan.  We would have a “man day” where my dad would get some solid field level seats and then we would eat garbage food that was 5 times the value of the tickets.  Thankfully, our metabolisms could’ve been bottled and sold to aspiring models/singers and we would’ve been multimillionaires.  Instead, I’m writing a dopey blog on a Saturday afternoon while my 1 year old daughter takes a nap.  I’m hoping I finish this article AND can squeeze in a trip to the gym before she wakes.  Hello time management, goodbye reckless boozing and womanizing.  Unless you have a shitload of money and pay off your wife with gaudy shopping trips to look the other way while you philander; welcome to married life, boys!

 

I still enjoy going to games for the camaraderie, catching up with buddies over a few cocktails, and watching the games from different angles.  But after going to many games over the years, I’m mystified that some people just don’t have any proper jersey decorum.  Like I said before, my dad doesn’t give a shit about sports but somehow, I learned through life what is the proper attire and how to wear it at the games.  So don’t blame this on being having a single mother in your household.  And if you are “that guy,” pay for your buddy to get an uber so he can come over and slap you repeatedly in the face.  Yes, I get it.  This is a first world problem and people who aren’t into sports could give 2 shits.  But god forbid if you don’t remember what Rachel from Friends favorite color is.

  1. Thou shall not be the douchebag who insists on wearing a full uniform of a team that isn’t even playing at the game you’re attending.  You want to wear your team’s hat so you can rep your team, fine.  But to wear head to toe apparel like you think you’re playing left field and batting 5th?  I was at a Yankees/A’s game and 4 dildos from Philly are wearing head to toe Philthies gear.  I asked them why are they wearing Salvation Army clothing to a Yankees game.  They said, “We have to represent our team.”  I told them that their awful Philly accents represents them just fine.  You’re a clown and just there to stir up a shit storm.  You fully deserve it when you get pelted with synthetic nacho cheese, leftover garlic fries, and a lukewarm $12 Budweiser.  
  2. Thou shall not be the cheap fuck who wears an obvious sponsored giveaway jersey to multiple games.  If you’re coming from the office and want to throw on a shirt they give you which has Stop N Shop logos plastered all over it like it was a NASCAR race, fine.  But to wear that to every game?  Pony up the $100 bucks for a decent replica and fit in with everyone.  Otherwise, you’ll be subjected to people like me yelling, “Hey Stop n Shop, cleanup in aisle 8!”
  3. Thou shall not be the relatively cheap fuck who wears a player’s jersey who turned out to be an absolute abortion.  The turnaround time to get rid of that jersey is 3 years.  I have a buddy who still wore his Kevin Boss (mediocre TE for the NY Giants) for YEARS after he retired/forced out/blows his brains out under an overpass in 15 years from CTE.  Look, I had a Jason Sehorn jersey (white CB for the Giants that A) was awesome till he blew his knee out returning a kickoff in a fucking preseason game and B) married that piece of ass, Angie Harmon) but I got rid of it when he was chasing wide receivers and his pants were falling to his ankles.  I smartly jumped on the Eli Manning bandwagon the second he got drafted.  Figured I’d go all in on the eventual franchise QB.  And if you have guys who obviously were hall of famers or solid contributors, by all means keep wearing them.   But if you buy someone that’s a rookie that didn’t pan out or a free agent that did his best work on another team and came to your team as a last resort (Jerry Rice on the Raiders, Ray Borque on the Avalanche), cut that shit out.
  4. Thou shall not be the, “My wife/kids bought this jersey for me” guy.  I’m talking about people who put #1 Dad or your last name on the back of their jerseys.  No, you’re not the number 1 dad in the world.  That’s because that title is held by Ferris Bueller’s dad.  Checked on his kid while he was sick, bought him a computer and his sister a car, and came home at 6 sharp as promised.  And if your wife or kids really knew and loved you, they would know that makes you look stupid and they would put your favorite player on the back of the jersey.  If my daughter wanted to get me a second Yankees jersey, my wife would tell her that it’s going to be a Jeter or Mariano, Not #1 Daddy.  Or putting your own name on the back of that jersey.  This isn’t t-ball, you child.  You didn’t play a down or throw a single pitch in the majors.  What you’ve done is given everyone within a 3 section radius to fuck with you for the ENTIRE game. Do you really want to hear, “Hey Sanderson, your sister had corn last night for dinner!  Just thought you should know!” Cut that shit out.
  5. Thou shall not be a Yankee fan that wears a jersey with a players name on the back.  We’re the only one that doesn’t do names on the back in the name of tradition.  Again, spend the extra bucks and get a real jersey.  You look dopey, cut that shit out.
  6. Thou shall stop it with the gimmick jerseys.  These teams milk the shit out of us as it is.  You’re going to get a camouflage home jersey because it’s the newest and you have to get it? You look like a child soldier in Sierra Leone with that jersey and those jean shorts.  Those awful neon colored jersey?  This isn’t Miami circa 1984, cut that shit out. 
  7. Thall shall stop it with the film character names on the back of jerseys.  I’m talking to you Costanza on the back of a Yankees jersey, Hansen on a Chiefs jersey, or Griswold on the back of a Blackhawks jersey.  We get it, you’re a Seinfeld, Slap Shot,  or a Vacation fan.  That’s not even a deep cut reference that can really be appreciated.  willie beamen. Now that’s at least a little off the beaten path.
  8. Thou shall not be the dickbag that wears a hat or jersey and when asked about said clothing, “Oh, I’m not a fan of the team, I just like the colors.”  Aww, how cute Ralph Lauren.  You’re making sure you’re avoiding the fashion police at a ball game.  This is the one place no one is judging people’s style.  Hell, the Eagles fans made Zubazz pants popular in that city inhabited by mouth breathers.  You don’t need to be on the cover of GQ while you eat a dirty water hot dog and suck down a $12 bud light.  Both of which I don’t consume because they’re gross. I eat before I go to the game because I refuse to pay top dollar for bottom feeding food.
  9. Thou shall not be a cheap bastard that takes masking tape and writes a current players name on the jersey of a shitty player with the same number.  
  10. And finally, thou shall not be that guy that tucks his jersey into his pants.  Hey Steve Urkel, let loose.  You’re at a game, not a board meeting, so relax.

When Kevin isn’t belittling someone for breaking one of these social mores, he’s playing with his daughter, telling jokes in NYC (Book him at Kgootee23@gmail.com), or working on his show: Comics Watching Comics (www.comicswatchingcomics.com)

Week 5 picks ATS

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Finally, a winning week last week.  This guy went 5-2 and took the Giants under to close out a successful week.  I did take the under of thursday night’s Niners game.  Fucking 7-7 at the half and then those 2 teams decided to have an offensive orgy, handing me a loss.  Oh well, let’s get to the picks this week.

As my friend Paul says, “I’m taking the Vikings until someone scores more than 14 points against them.”  And I just don’t see any fault in his logic.  I wanted to bet the Vikes on monday night but that’s just bad form betting against your own team.  Would’ve been right, that’s for sure.  Vikes are at Houston and I don’t see Brock Osweiler deciding to stop throwing INTs.  The line is -6.5 so if you can sneak in before the line goes to -7, I advise you do so.  Sam Bradford is playing fantastically and is due for a stinker but not against a JJ Watt-less defense.

I’m taking the Vikings -6.5

You’re going to see a theme now so let’s see if you dum-dums can figure it out:

Tennessee is in Miami after Hurricane Matthew ravaged that coastline.  The temperature is a balmy 86 degrees so that game is going on unaffected.  The weather is the only thing that town has going for them.  Miami is garbage, they barely beat the Browns for their only win of the year.  Tannehill is so awful that Brian Griese is shaking his head in disgust.  Tennessee is decent and they’re getting 3.  I’m applying Paul’s logic here: until Miami beats somebody besides the Browns, I’m going against them.

I’m taking the Titans +3

The aforementioned NY football Giants have played uninspiring football the last 2 weeks.  Eli’s house of horrors has always been Minnesota and they flat out gave away the game to Washington.  I’m a stats guy and the Giants OWN Green Bay.  Home, away, neutral site, or hell, even in Ecuador.  Packers haven’t been that good either.  My lock of the week was GB -6.5 2 weeks ago and Detroit roared back in garbage time to cut the lead to 7…in Lambeau. GB is off an early bye but Sam Shields is out.  This should be OBJ’s coming out party unless he turns into a weeping mess if someone gets into his head.  You may want to take the Giants on the money line and really capitalize but the line is -7.  Giants needs to get off their ass and dial up the pass rush, you hear me Spagnuolo?  We bought all of these guys in the off season, let’s utilize them for what they do best.

I’m taking the Giants +7

Baltimore hasn’t beaten anyone by more than 3 points all year.  The Skins can put up points and the Bal D isn’t scaring anyone.  The line is Bal -3.5 and the Skins have looked good since coming back against my Giants.  Rivalry game and I think the Skins play them tight and may possibly win.

I’m taking the Skins +3.5

The Colts suck.  The Colts sucked against Jacksonville in London last week.  Hope you listened to me and took the over!  The Colts are coming back home and passed on an early bye.  The Colts defense sucks; they’ve given up 30+ points in each of their losses.  The Bears aren’t an offensive juggernaut either but have been better with Hoyer under center.  Jordan Howard had a nice game last week and no reason he can’t run against a garbage front 7 of the Colts.  I think the Bears play this tight and Indy coming straight home after London without a bye should not bode well for the Colts.

I’m taking the Bears +4.5

I’ll see Hillary Clinton’s penis before I see the Chargers and Raiders play solid defense.  SD without their top corner and gosh, does it matter?  This is going to be a shootout and that’s that.

I’m taking SD over 51