NFL Divisional Playoffs 2018 Picks ATS

I’ll take my usual bow at the beginning of the column and say yet again, another fantastic week for Herr Gootee.  3-0 last week as the Jax first half under, Saints over, and KC under (thought I had a clenched asshole for the last hour of that game) all came in to cover.  This week, I think it’s a harder crop of games as the numbers are a bit wonky.  Does Tom Brady and the Pats take all the bulletin board material (Discourse in the Pats locker room and Titans safety talking shit) and go into pure, “fuck you” mode?   Do the Vikings take one more step to becoming the first team in a Super Bowl that hosts the game?  Do Eagle fans continue their streak of shitting the bed while their white trash, vile fans create a riot after their backup QB loses the game?  I’ll bet the ranch and your ranch that they’ll do that if Philly loses well because, a tiger doesn’t change his stripes.  Onto the picks.

The aforementioned white trash wasteland known as Philadelphia hosts the red hot (yes, you read that right) Atlanta Falcons at the Stink this weekend.  Atlanta has had to damn near win out while Philly has been on autopilot for 3 weeks, including a bye.  But, in the 2 games Philly has played, they’ve combined for 19 points.  Yes, one was meaningless in week 17 but not a good look when you’re prepping for the playoffs, especially with a backup QB.  The line is 3 so let’s break that down: Home field is 3 points so what this is saying to me is that on a neutral field Matt Ryan and Nick Foles are considered even?  Get the fuck out of here.  Yes, I know it’s a dome team out in the cold where those teams are 4-24 in January.  And I know Atlanta has been on the road for 4/5 of their last games.  But the Atlanta defense can hold down NICK FOLES.  And can you say with confidence that you’re going to put money.  On Nick Foles.  In a playoff game?

I think people are afraid to call Philly a paper tiger as there has never been #1 seed that’s an underdog.  But, let’s also look at numbers: Atlanta under, 5/5.  4/5 under on the road. 9/12 under against Philly and 5/7 under in Philly.  Lastly, Philly has been under in 5/7. Let’s also add that it’s cold there today in the city that considers grade D shaved meat with synthetic cheese a “gourmet experience.”  I think both teams start off slow and try to figure each other out so…

I took first half under 20 and I’ll buy the .5 to get Atlanta at -2.5

Tom Brady is butthurt that Jimmy Garrapolo could have been a threat to his legacy so he had him shipped off.  This is some real Sopranos shit here; didn’t Tony debate about having Christopher knocked off because he also viewed him as a threat?  Don’t flood my inbox with corrections because I haven’t watched the show since it unceremoniously ended in one of the laziest endings ever written.  I know Montana was getting upset that Steve Young was about to and did take his job.  But only time will tell if Jimmy G meets up to everyone’s lofty expectations.  And why does every male sportscaster have to swoon about his looks.  Guys, calm down with that.  Women went gaga over Derek Jeter.  I went gaga because he delivered clutch hits in October so let’s leave it at that.  

The 13.5 is quite lofty and the Pats rarely get backdoored (go ahead and insert your lazy butt sex reference in here, I’m trying to bang out this column before I appear on a podcast to talk about Comics Watching Comics for the umpteenth time this week.  Fuck it, I’ll shoehorn a plug into my own column.)  The Pats have outscored opponents in the 2nd half, 66-18, in their last 3 playoff games.  Meaning they don’t take the foot off the gas.  BUT the Pats against the run are like Alabama fans in SAT scores, dead last.  Derrick Henry ran all over the Chiefs so expect the Pats to key in on him.  That leaves Corey Davis, Erick Decker, and Delanie Walker left as the main options for Marcus Mariota.  Do any of them get your dick hard?  Me neither but I think the Titans can chase points and keep it closer and make Brady throw it late in the game; facing the Titans 24th ranked pass D.  But would I be shocked if this game ends up 35-14?  Nope.  So what am I saying?  I’m saying the Pats are 7/10 over at home, I’m saying Tenn in NE has been over 6/7.  I’m saying Tenn and NE has gone over 7/10 at home.

Pats/Titans over 48 is the play.

Pittsburgh gets a chance to redeem themselves after Ben gave it up more than a black family at a high school graduation.  Jesus, I wish my parents hooted and yelled that loud.  The only thing they yelled was, “Get a fucking job because interns don’t get paid shit.”  This next handicap is really based on the eye test and some stats.  Blake Bortles was fucking ghastly last week, having more rushing yards than throwing yards.  At home.  In 60 degree weather.  Only time that’s ever happened is when I played as Michael Vick in Madden.  And this was against a mediocre Bills defense.  So what do you think is going to happen when he’s in Pittsburgh.  In 20 degree weather.  Facing a team with a solid pass rush.  Yeah, not much.  

I see both teams running the ball as each team’s rush defense isn’t stellar.  In fact, Jax run d is 30th!  Plus, I think they’ll want to slowly dip their toes in the water and not air it out early as Bortles is always a nanosecond from going full Bortles.  And Ben got picked 5 times.  BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!  Jax is surprisingly successful in Pittsburgh, 12-5 and recently 4-1 ATS.  Pitt is 1-5 of late and 1-4 at home.  Again, the eye test screams Pitt but they’ve also been known to play to the level of their competition.  Jax under has hit 4/6 on the road and 15/23.  Pitt at home has gone over 5/6 and 5/7 recently.  I think Pitt is going to win and probably cover as well as go under but I’m going to go with my gut when I put my money down.

And my gut says take the first half under again.  I don’t have a number yet but I’m taking it.

Lastly, the Saints head to Minnesota where everyone and their mothers love the Vikings. And why not?  The numbers of the Vikings have been insanely 1 sided.  Vikes are 11-4-1 ATS and I’ve made a ton of money betting on them.  They have a great defense: 276 ypg average, 10.6 pig, and +137 yds over an opponent at home.  But the Saints (who I have to win the NFC at 6/1) despite being 1-4 ATS of late, do have some success on the road, 12-5-1 on the road ATS.  They are 2-4 in Minnesota, and 2-7 against Minnesota.  If this game gets to 6 or more, I may take it.  I may take the over 48 as recently, 4/6 have gone over and 6/7 over in Minnesota.  BUT the Saints are under 4/6 on the road.  Man, so many conflicting stats.  I just may see how I do and then go on my gut.  But there’s one stat that stares at me square in the eyes, THIS IS THE BIGGEST GAME THAT CASE KEENUM HAS PLAYED IN.

Probably the over and possibly the Saints…depending on the numbers.

Advertisements

Week 12 NFL picks

Sorry for no column last weekend, I had an insanely packed Saturday with the Comics Watching Comics taping on Saturday while family came up for a belated birfday celebration on Sunday.  But if you follow me and my cookie eating machine (She ate a CWC cookie last week), you’ll see that I killed it!  I hit Tenn over on Thursday night to start off the week with an easy win as that was clinched in the 3rd quarter.  I hit Philly, Baltimore, Minnesota and the under, and the Saints over.  I lost KC (fucking Giants dicked me again when getting double digits), SD under (Peterman throwing FIVE picks didn’t help), and the Houston under.  I also hit the Seattle over on monday night, giving me a SOLID 7-3 record last week.  I took SD under on Thanksgiving and nailed that one with ease so we’re starting off the week 1-0.  Hot hand in the dice game, baby doll!  Talk about 6 hours straight!  Clickety, clickety, clack!   Now name that reference.

I missed definitely 1, even 2 bets last week.  I should’ve went with the Pats and the under like my gut said to because the Pats stayed in Denver to maintain the high elevation conditions to prep for Mexico City.  And by prepping for conditions, I mean put your money in your shoes and carrying a burner cell phone.  I knew the Raiders weren’t doing that and boy, did it show.  But I like to bet trends and here are a few for you:  The Pats are 5/7 covering the overs at home.  The Pats are 4/6 covering the overs when playing Miami.  And Miami is perfect in the over department in their last 5.  Matt Moore will be chasing points like Kevin Spacey chasing nerd boys in a Gamestop.  48 is an easy number for both teams to hit.

Take the Pats over 48

Pittsburgh has 10 days to prepare for the DOA Green Bay Packers.  This game SHOULD be out of hand early and this number is so low that Pitt may be able to cover it themselves.   For the last month and change, the Packers D has given up 20+ points in all but one game.  The only question is can GB score enough points as in that same timeframe as they’ve put up 20+ points…one time.  They’ve also been shut out once in that span (Lock of the week last week was Baltimore folks but then again, if you follow me on FB, you know that).  GB has hit the over on the road 7/8.  Pitt though, has hit the under 8/10.  GB women are 0/10 when it comes to hitting the under of 215 lbs.  I just think 43 is too low and GB will be chasing points late.  Can you see Pitt winning this 35-10?  I can.  And if so, that’s a winner. 

Take GB over 43

Jacksonville got one of the luckiest covers last week against the Browns when they stripped the ball from Kizer late and ran it in for a DTD.  The last time Cleveland had their hearts ripped out of them like this was the previous Sunday.  And the Sunday before that.  And the Sunday before that.  Jacksonville is 9-4 ATS and 7-1 on the road.  Now they fly to sunny Arizona where the only thing the Cardinals fans have to look forward to is ASU sorority girls on a scavenger hunt during pledge season.  AZ is 2-7-1 out of their last 10 and 1-3-1 at home.  What’s Jacksonville’s biggest weakness?  Run D.  And who is the biggest “threat” on AZ?  Old ass Adrian Peterson who aside from one stellar week has done less than SNL writers writing something else besides a Trump joke.  Acquiring Marcel Darius was the best thing for Jax as the yds per carry for opposing RBs has drastically dropped since Buffalo gave him away like a cuckholded husband gives away his wife.  And remember, BLAINE GABBERT IS THE QUARTERBACK.  No way that top tiered Jax pass D lets up anything in the air.  Especially from a guy named Blaine.

You’ll thank me when you take the Jags -5

The battle of bad accents, bad fashion, and bad driving (Ohio) is this weekend and the winner is truly the loser because it’s Ohio.  Cleveland ALMOST covered for a bunch of you but then went full Cleveland Steamer when they fumbled and Jax returns that fumble for a TD.  But Cincy has been a covering machine of late: 16 points over margin over their last 6 games as well as 6-0 ATS.  Cincy 5-0 ATS vs Cleveland.  Browns are 1-8 ATS and 0-4-1 on the road.  I know 7.5 is a tricky number but this game can easily be 20-10.

The Bengals continue to make the Browns scratching their heads and counting down until Josh Gordon returns, take Cincy -7.5

After watching Seattle’s hopes get crushed by a late FG attempt falling short on monday night, I think they’re done.  Their defense looks more trampled than Tera Patrick’s pussy. A short work week, ZERO running game, and now they’re on the road in SF.  The Niners are fresh off a bye and have a little pep in their step after destroying the Giants 2 weeks ago.  The Seahawks beat the Niners with a late FG to win 12-9 in SEATTLE.  What makes me think they’re gonna do it on the road?  Nothing.  “DEAD MAN WALKING!”

Take the NAWWWNERS +6.5

 

Week 8 NFL picks

5-2 last week (Jax, St Lou, Saints, GB under and Titans under but lost Wash and Cincy), just what the doctor ordered.  And you know what you should order?  Your tickets to see the LIVE Comics Watching Comics Show on 11/18 at Gotham Comedy Club, 5pm.  The show is being taped for Amazon Video so come out and see the up and comers as well as current comers (insert TT Boy or Ron Jeremy joke here, you hacks).  So go to http://www.gothamcomedyclub.com and get them now.  No bullshit, tickets are moving at a nice clip and the room is small so act now.

What a well played, defensive game on Thursday!  Said not by me; because I fell into the Matt Moore hype machine and got torn apart like a flat earth supporter.  So 0-1 to start and hopefully this week ends with more bang than those JFK files that were released.  Seriously, if I wanted something without an ending, I’d rewatch that lazy Sopranos finale. You call that an ending?  I call it a “lazy way out” in an attempt of being avant garde. 

Usually, I love to back up my handicaps with facts but my leadoff pick is strictly a gut one  as well as based on trends.  Was anyone impressed with the Pats win last week?  I wasn’t.  They weren’t great against the Jets either.  I think this is the year that if the Pats have to go to KC or somewhere else with a tough crowd, they could fall in the AFC championship.  In come the LA Chargers, who finally got their first “home” win against a dogshit Denver offense.  Phillip Rivers who can backdoor a cover like the best of them (seriously, how is there not a gay bar named Backdoor Cover?  Come on Mets fans, someone can make a lot of money with that!) is getting 7.5 against the worst ranked Pats defense.  Yes, I know NE is typically tough at home and yes, their D has been better of late.  Yes, I know Rivers can wave his magic wand and make a pick 6 appear on the board with less than 2 minutes week.  Yes, I know that this is a west coast team playing on the east coast at 1pm.  But any gambler knows you’re playing the number, not the team. 7.5 points is that special number.  The Chargers D is pretty good and I just see them hanging tough tomorrow.  The best stat I can give you is that the Chargers are 12-4-1 ATS on the road.  Jump on it now before it drops!

Take the Chargers +7.5

Deshone Kizer is the Browns QB…this week.  I’d rather have Kaiser Wilheim as my QB, at least he wasn’t out partying till 2 am last friday night in Cleveland.  And now they fly to England  to face the Nikes who just rolled the Ravens.  Vikings are most likely getting back Stephon Diggs and that’s just going to make things more nightmarish for Cleveland. Do you see Cleveland scoring more than 10 points?  Neither do I.  They hit 20 points ONE time all year, as I pointed out last week.  By the way, this morning at 5:30 am, someone pulled the hotel alarm.  I don’t know what they had for breakfast, which really would make this a, “who gives a shit” story. But it’s always fun when the team you want to bet against gets woken up early in their hotel.  Cleveland has the #8 defense (and #3 worst looking women, next to Pittsburgh and Philly) so it’s going to be tougher to score against them too.  Oh yeah, one more fun fact.  Minn is 8-0 the week before their bye.  This game wreaks of 20-7 so you can pretty much figure out where I’m going with this.

Take the Vikings -9.5 and the under 37.5

You know what I forgot to do, besides write better jokes in this article?  I forgot to take Seattle and the under last week against my Giants.  Those are absolute locks, Giants NEVER beat them and sure as shit can’t put points on the board.  But I’m not missing a chance this week and I’m taking Seattle this week.  Why?  Well, let’s do a social commentary first.  The Texans owner said that he didn’t “want the inmates running the asylum” and that cause quite the kerfuffle in Houston.  But if Bob McNair makes another comment like that, he may end up like Steve McNair.  KA-Boom, pun intended.  DeAndre Hopkins walked out of practice and it took the entire coaching staff to persuade the entire team not to follow suit.  You think they’re going to get fired up before getting on a plane to Seattle?  Seattle at home is pretty damn good, 5-2 ATS recently.  I see Watson having a harder time in a hostile environment.  Seattle under hit in their last 4/6 and Houston under hit 4/6 on the road.  But I think Hou COULD put up points but not enough to cover.  You’re only laying 6.5 and Houston is missing Watt and Cushing on D.  And like I said, a team pissed at their owner.

Take the Seahawks -6.5

The Colts give up an avg of 30 points a game.  That’s pretty goddamn awful, like Anchorman 2 awful.  The Bengals are home after getting skewered by the Steelers last weekend. The Colts have went 4/5 over, 10/11 over on the road, and 4/5 over in Cincy.  42 is a low number and I can EASILY see the Bengals dropping 27 points on Indy.  All you need from Brisett and company (sounds like a furniture store) are 2 TDs.

Take the Bengals over 42

Pittsburgh just destroyed the Bengals.  Martavius Bryant got demoted to the practice squad.  Detroit is off a bye and apparently shall have Golden Tate back.  Detroit isn’t great in primetime but here’s the stat that grabbed me: Pitt is 0-5-1 the week before their bye.  Pitt has improved their road ATS but I think they fall asleep at the wheel.  This game may end up in a push but let’s find out:

Take Detroit +3

And now, the lock of the week.  The Bears just shocked the pants off of the Panthers at home, 17-3.  Guess what?  14 of those points were pick 6s.  Trubisky threw SEVEN passes last week.  As I said last week, the Saints defense is better (good enough that the under hit) and they’re in New Orleans this week.  The Saints are back to their old ways of lighting it up at home and there’s just no chance that the Bears can keep up.  The Saints are 4-1 ATS and 4-0-1 ATS against the Bears.  I know it’s a high number but can you see a rookie QB matching Brees?  Nope.  

Take the Saints -9.5

I also kind of like this week: Carolina 5-1 ATS, 6-2 vs TB, 5-1 in TB.  TB 4-9 home ATS and 0-4-1 ATS.  Carolina is getting Luke Keuchly back as well.  I also like Sea under 45.5.  Seattle has gone under 4/6 and Hou on the road is also 4/6.  I think the Chiefs rebound at home after 2 bad losses and cover the 7 against the Broncos.  Lastly, I think the Bills can cover 2.5 against the Raiders at 1pm, in Buffalo.

NFL WEEK 2 PICKS

I’m back from Vegas and my liver wishes I had just shot in and left it to die in the desert.  We ate like kings and the Vegas 3 had a fucking blast.  Maybe one of these days, you’ll get an invite!  

If you took my picks last week, I wholeheartedly apologize.  The Pats shit the bed, the overs whiffed, the Giants were god awful, and the Rams destroyed that under themselves.  New week, new picks!  But first, remember that Comics Watching Comics is on Amazon Video!  Season 2 has just gone up and t-shirts are for sale.  To get one, contact me through the site.  I’m still working on a credit card link so bear with me.  I’m taking PayPal for the shirts which also accepts credit cards.

I’ll be goddamned if the Patriots don’t rebound in a big way in New Orleans this weekend.  The Pats have been off for 10 days to let this stew in their cheating brains.  Bellichek probably cut 4 guys on defense for letting the rookie RB, Hunt (Guess who sat him in TWO fantasy leagues.  At least I won 1 of them), stampede all over them.  You don’t think he’s had time to scheme against the Saints and shut down Brees; like the Vikings did on Monday night?  I don’t care Amendola is out, this is a statement game.  Pats are 8-1 ATS on the road of their last 9.  You can even take the over as when the Saints and Pats play, the over hits 7/9 times.  But I see Brady going into pure “fuck you” mode and they’re covering, come hell or high water, which is also a highly overrated film.

Take the Pats -6.5

Arizona looked nothing special against Detroit last week.  They also lost arguably the top RB for at least 2 months.  Indy is at home and I don’t see AZ covering.  AZ is 3-8 ATS out of their last 11.  2-5 ATS on the road.  They look old and the number (7) is right.

Take the Colts +7

I had these fuckers as part as an over last week and they didn’t hold up their end.  I do think that the Skins are due for a win and the Rams blowing out the Colts shouldn’t scare anyone.  Stats?  Sure.  Skins 4-0 ATS after a loss.  10-5 ATS in their last 15.  9-2 ATS on the road in their last 11.  Rams don’t have any kind of home field advantage.  Cousins rebounds nicely as everyone’s favorite politically incorrect team (Who cares about team names, go save people in hurricane areas instead of worry about that shit?) wins outright.

Take the Skins +2.5

Miami just had their bye earlier than they wanted.  Which also means they’ve had well over a week to plan against the Chargers.  You watch that Chargers game?  I did, from a blackjack table at the Cosmopolitan hotel while handing my chips slowly over to a dealer who was missing a tooth.  The Broncos should’ve covered that game with ease if it weren’t for a couple of weird plays.  And now SD is home this week against the Dolphins. Remind you, they’re now playing in a new (soccer) stadium in a new city where no one gives 2 shits about NFL football.  So no home field advantage.  Some may argue Miami may be rusty but I’m going to say they come bursting out at the seams.  Some stats, why the hell not?  Mia 8-3-1 in last 12 ATS.  4-2 ATS on the road.  And 8/9 games SD has played Mia has resulted in an under.  

Take Mia +3.5 and the under 45.5

I didn’t see much of the GB game as I didn’t have any money on it and apparently, I didn’t miss much.  I saw some of the Atlanta game and I saw the Bears make a late run at them, covering and almost winning.  But here’s what I do know: both teams score a shitload.  ATL at home hits the over 5/5.  GB is 7/8 hitting the over.  GB and ATL have hit the over 9/13.  GB has hit the over 4/6 when playing in ATL.  That’s enough for me.  This game has 31-28 written all over it.  

Take GB over 56

And now for the lock of the week: Seattle lost in GB last week and now they’re home against a hapless Niners team.  A divisional rival in their building reeks of trouble.  A divisional rival after a loss is even more trouble.  And yet again, more stats to prove it.  Sea is 5-0 ATS vs SF.  Sea is 11-1 ATS vs SF. SF is 3-12-1 ATS in their last 16.  2-7-1 ATS on the road.  14 is a big number but do you see McCown doing much against an angry Seattle D?  I sure as fuck don’t.

Take Sea -14

NFL picks Week 1

I love the summer, absolutely adore it.  Nothing more sad than seeing that first leaf change to a bright yellow.  Having that first chilling evening or morning.  Seeing the sun set by 8pm.  A shitty stream of films in the theater.  But, there’s just one redeeming thing about the fall.  Football is back.  Which means I go back to Vegas for the week 1 games and as you’re reading this, I’m there now.  And I’m probably drunk, like 85% of the time.  I have a couple of gigs when I’m out there, at the Sapphire club and Southpointe Casino so if you’re in town, come check out my bits.  

But before I get into them, I’d be remiss if I didn’t promote that my brainchild, “Comics Watching Comics,” is now up on Amazon Video!  Go binge Season 1 and tell me what you think!  Also, Comics Watching Comics T shirts are available for $20 which includes shipping.  Contact me on how to get your S-XL shirt

Here are the picks for week 1:

I’m writing this article as the Chiefs/Pats game is going on.  I just can’t see how the Pats are going to open the season, at home, raising the Super Bowl banner (great job of choking, you piece of shit Falcons.  Although I did hit the over, thank you!) and NOT cover the spread.  Pats are 8/8 ATS extending from last year and KC is 2-4 ATS in NE.  They blew an EARLY chance to go up at LEAST 10-0 and even 14-0 but a bad play call from Bellichek on 4th and 1 squashed that notion.  But the Chiefs just took a big dump on the Pats and winning outright.  So I just lost:

The Patriots -9

The Eagles went out and spent big money to have arguably the second best trio of WRs in the NFL.  See NY Giants trio, #1.  You know what they didn’t spend money on?  Defense.  And charm school for their fans.  That accent and their manners would make Mr. Belvedere turn beet red.  You know who else went out and spent a lot of money on a top WR?  Washington with Terelle Pryor.  And for now, they have a healthy Jordan Reed and very solid Jameson Crowder.  You know what they didn’t spend money on?  Defense.  Washington has a good running game to compliment their aerial attack.  This game is going to be a scoring bonanza.  Washington hit the over at home 8/10.  When both teams played each other in the last 3, 3 times they hit the over.  Good enough for me

Philly over 48

I believe in sports karma, especially when there’s a natural disaster.  Bet the farm on a team who the nation rallies for, especially when they’re home.  And when said team is playing against Blake Bortles, well even Blake Bortle’s parents won’t be able to convince me that their little boy is going to go in Houston and bust that spread.  Here is a nice stat going back to last year: Houston is 8-2-1 against division opponents.  Did I mention it’s Blake Bortles on the road?  Thought so.

Lock of the week is Hou -5.5

Cincinnati has a solid defense.  Joe Flacco was banged up all preseason and has a handful of practices under his belt.  Their defense is putrid.  Cincy has a nice stable of RBs and of course, AJ Green.  This is more of an anti-Ravens pick.  Bengals are 7-2-1 in Sept and fun fact, Cincy has hit the under in their last 4 in a row.  Ravens also hit the under 4/5 in their division.  

Cincy -3 and maybe under 42 as a bonus

I already locked in my Giants the second Elliot was suspended because I was afraid the line would drop.  Would you believe that son of a bitch is going to play week 1 and the line actually dropped?  Odell Beckham Jr is still a game time decision.  I think the Giants D is too much for them yet again.  They stopped Elliot and Dez cold in their tracks the last 2 times they played and if they were to lose, I don’t think they’re going to lose by more than 3.  And history backs that up as the Giants are 4-0-1 ATS in their last 5.  Good thing I locked in at 3.5

Giants +3.5

Tennessee is everyone’s early darling and I’m all in on Mariota and Murray in 2 leagues.  Oakland could’ve made a deep run but Carr snapped his leg late last season.  I like Tennessee but the numbers for Oakland on the road back them up more.  But you know what I like in this game?  Points.  Neither defense sends shivers up my butthole.  Raiders 8/11 with the over.

Raiders over 50

The daytime Emmy awards should also cover sports.  Because whoever are the announcers are for the Rams/Colts game will put on the best performance of the year when you hear, “RAMS…COLTS! NEXT ON FOX!”  Andrew Luck is out.  Frank Gore is as old as Woody Allan.  Their defense is gonna get washed over like a Puerto Rico during Hurricane Irma.  But not this Sunday because new coach or not, the Rams aren’t doing much.  And we know the Colts don’t have much going on.  So this is an easy one.

Rams under 42

Lastly, I just think Phil Rivers and the San Diego, whoops.  Los Angeles…SUPER CHARGERS.  Does’t have that same ring, does it?  Well blame yourselves, San Diego fans.  I get it, the weather is great.  The women are hot.  So much to do.  But shit, it’s only 8 home games a year to support your team.  Let’s look at some numbers: SD 10-4 ATS on the road.  Broncos are 3-8-1 home against SD.  And oh yeah, Trevor Simian is the Den QB. And if he goes down, who’s up next?  Brock Osweiller who’s making a kajillion dollars to sit the bench.  The last time I saw a heist that big, Henry Hill was listening to 1010 WINS in the shower, having a laugh.  

Gimme the Chargers +3.5

I kinda like Pitt -8, the Vikings and the under 48 as well on sunday night but don’t know if I’m going to bet them.  Just some food for thought.

 

 

Ten Commandments of Wearing Jerseys to Sporting Events

fat-packer-fan

My father was NOT into sports AT ALL.  He could give 2 shits about who wins the World Series, Superbowl, but he always had a financial rooting interest in the Bud Bowls.  My brother and I got into sports and once a year, my father would take us to a Yanks or Mets game.  We would alternate years where we would go to the scary Bronx or Chop Shop Central Queens.  I’m the ardent Yanks fan and my brother was a closeted homosexual Mets Fan.  We would have a “man day” where my dad would get some solid field level seats and then we would eat garbage food that was 5 times the value of the tickets.  Thankfully, our metabolisms could’ve been bottled and sold to aspiring models/singers and we would’ve been multimillionaires.  Instead, I’m writing a dopey blog on a Saturday afternoon while my 1 year old daughter takes a nap.  I’m hoping I finish this article AND can squeeze in a trip to the gym before she wakes.  Hello time management, goodbye reckless boozing and womanizing.  Unless you have a shitload of money and pay off your wife with gaudy shopping trips to look the other way while you philander; welcome to married life, boys!

 

I still enjoy going to games for the camaraderie, catching up with buddies over a few cocktails, and watching the games from different angles.  But after going to many games over the years, I’m mystified that some people just don’t have any proper jersey decorum.  Like I said before, my dad doesn’t give a shit about sports but somehow, I learned through life what is the proper attire and how to wear it at the games.  So don’t blame this on being having a single mother in your household.  And if you are “that guy,” pay for your buddy to get an uber so he can come over and slap you repeatedly in the face.  Yes, I get it.  This is a first world problem and people who aren’t into sports could give 2 shits.  But god forbid if you don’t remember what Rachel from Friends favorite color is.

  1. Thou shall not be the douchebag who insists on wearing a full uniform of a team that isn’t even playing at the game you’re attending.  You want to wear your team’s hat so you can rep your team, fine.  But to wear head to toe apparel like you think you’re playing left field and batting 5th?  I was at a Yankees/A’s game and 4 dildos from Philly are wearing head to toe Philthies gear.  I asked them why are they wearing Salvation Army clothing to a Yankees game.  They said, “We have to represent our team.”  I told them that their awful Philly accents represents them just fine.  You’re a clown and just there to stir up a shit storm.  You fully deserve it when you get pelted with synthetic nacho cheese, leftover garlic fries, and a lukewarm $12 Budweiser.  
  2. Thou shall not be the cheap fuck who wears an obvious sponsored giveaway jersey to multiple games.  If you’re coming from the office and want to throw on a shirt they give you which has Stop N Shop logos plastered all over it like it was a NASCAR race, fine.  But to wear that to every game?  Pony up the $100 bucks for a decent replica and fit in with everyone.  Otherwise, you’ll be subjected to people like me yelling, “Hey Stop n Shop, cleanup in aisle 8!”
  3. Thou shall not be the relatively cheap fuck who wears a player’s jersey who turned out to be an absolute abortion.  The turnaround time to get rid of that jersey is 3 years.  I have a buddy who still wore his Kevin Boss (mediocre TE for the NY Giants) for YEARS after he retired/forced out/blows his brains out under an overpass in 15 years from CTE.  Look, I had a Jason Sehorn jersey (white CB for the Giants that A) was awesome till he blew his knee out returning a kickoff in a fucking preseason game and B) married that piece of ass, Angie Harmon) but I got rid of it when he was chasing wide receivers and his pants were falling to his ankles.  I smartly jumped on the Eli Manning bandwagon the second he got drafted.  Figured I’d go all in on the eventual franchise QB.  And if you have guys who obviously were hall of famers or solid contributors, by all means keep wearing them.   But if you buy someone that’s a rookie that didn’t pan out or a free agent that did his best work on another team and came to your team as a last resort (Jerry Rice on the Raiders, Ray Borque on the Avalanche), cut that shit out.
  4. Thou shall not be the, “My wife/kids bought this jersey for me” guy.  I’m talking about people who put #1 Dad or your last name on the back of their jerseys.  No, you’re not the number 1 dad in the world.  That’s because that title is held by Ferris Bueller’s dad.  Checked on his kid while he was sick, bought him a computer and his sister a car, and came home at 6 sharp as promised.  And if your wife or kids really knew and loved you, they would know that makes you look stupid and they would put your favorite player on the back of the jersey.  If my daughter wanted to get me a second Yankees jersey, my wife would tell her that it’s going to be a Jeter or Mariano, Not #1 Daddy.  Or putting your own name on the back of that jersey.  This isn’t t-ball, you child.  You didn’t play a down or throw a single pitch in the majors.  What you’ve done is given everyone within a 3 section radius to fuck with you for the ENTIRE game. Do you really want to hear, “Hey Sanderson, your sister had corn last night for dinner!  Just thought you should know!” Cut that shit out.
  5. Thou shall not be a Yankee fan that wears a jersey with a players name on the back.  We’re the only one that doesn’t do names on the back in the name of tradition.  Again, spend the extra bucks and get a real jersey.  You look dopey, cut that shit out.
  6. Thou shall stop it with the gimmick jerseys.  These teams milk the shit out of us as it is.  You’re going to get a camouflage home jersey because it’s the newest and you have to get it? You look like a child soldier in Sierra Leone with that jersey and those jean shorts.  Those awful neon colored jersey?  This isn’t Miami circa 1984, cut that shit out. 
  7. Thall shall stop it with the film character names on the back of jerseys.  I’m talking to you Costanza on the back of a Yankees jersey, Hansen on a Chiefs jersey, or Griswold on the back of a Blackhawks jersey.  We get it, you’re a Seinfeld, Slap Shot,  or a Vacation fan.  That’s not even a deep cut reference that can really be appreciated.  willie beamen. Now that’s at least a little off the beaten path.
  8. Thou shall not be the dickbag that wears a hat or jersey and when asked about said clothing, “Oh, I’m not a fan of the team, I just like the colors.”  Aww, how cute Ralph Lauren.  You’re making sure you’re avoiding the fashion police at a ball game.  This is the one place no one is judging people’s style.  Hell, the Eagles fans made Zubazz pants popular in that city inhabited by mouth breathers.  You don’t need to be on the cover of GQ while you eat a dirty water hot dog and suck down a $12 bud light.  Both of which I don’t consume because they’re gross. I eat before I go to the game because I refuse to pay top dollar for bottom feeding food.
  9. Thou shall not be a cheap bastard that takes masking tape and writes a current players name on the jersey of a shitty player with the same number.  
  10. And finally, thou shall not be that guy that tucks his jersey into his pants.  Hey Steve Urkel, let loose.  You’re at a game, not a board meeting, so relax.

When Kevin isn’t belittling someone for breaking one of these social mores, he’s playing with his daughter, telling jokes in NYC (Book him at Kgootee23@gmail.com), or working on his show: Comics Watching Comics (www.comicswatchingcomics.com)