Well, when you’re right, you’re right. Too bad I was right 50% of the time last week, 4-3 for week 9. The .5 with the Titans fucked me and thanks to a late Baltimore TD and also a late Miami TD to blow the under. I was flat out wrong with GB as Hundley looked as clueless as most male comics trying to talk to women at a dance club. The Rams were the lock of the week and the only regret I have is not putting $1000 on that game instead of just 500. You should’ve seen me at that Giants/Rams game; it was raining and just miserable. I told my buddy, Mitch from Mendham, that when the Rams had 3rd and 33 that they were probably going to convert the first down. Wouldn’t you know the Rams scored! I giggled like a maniacal Mad Hatter, the Giants were straight up trash as I knew they wouldn’t answer the bell. The Jets, Saints, and Eagles were easy ones last week so let’s hope the rest of my picks are just as easy.
I took the Cardinals +6 on Thursday night and what a punt to the ovaries that was when AZ backdoor covered but had their PAT block. That went from a surefire win to a push so we start the week, 0-0-1
Let’s go up to Buffalo, where there’s not much to do except complain how cold it is, have a horrible accent, and watch the Bills underperform. Except this year, the Bills have been playing with some fire in their ass. It’s amazing how they’re 5-3 this season (4-0 at home?!) with so few offensive offensive weapons. The Bills were just destroyed by the Jets 2 Thursdays ago. In come the red-hot Saints but just like Kevin Spacey, the rug is about to get yanked out from under the Pangea birthmark face of Drew Brees. It’s supposed to be ~40 degrees tomorrow in Buffalo and Brees has had a hard time in cold weather. But let’s look at something else important; the Bills have had 10 days to prep after that anal probing by the Jets. Tyrod is good at home; the Bills are 4-1-1ATS at home and I think the Bills can cover 3 or even win outright. 6 in a row is a nice run for the Saints but that probably ends on Sunday at 3:30pm. The number is right if you can get it.
Take the Bills +3
I got burned by dumbass Travis Benjamin 2 weeks ago on a kickoff where he caught it at the 16 and ran down and across the field and guess what happened? Safety, lost the game by .5. If I’m the special teams coach for LAC, I would’ve made him watch Tyler Perry’s Boo 2 until he spontaneously combusted. Chargers are off the bye and head into Jacksonville who have become red hot of late. They dismantled an awful Bengals team and even got the level headed AJ Green to get into a fight. Jacksonville has had a recent trend of having a bad game following a good game but that trend broke last week after 2 straight wins. Recently, Jax is 8-3 ATS but 3-6 ATS at home. In come the Chargers, who are used to playing in front of strangers, home and away. Now, the Chargers are 2-3-1 ATS on the road BUT 12-3-1 ATS on the road vs the AFC south. A lot of numbers being thrown around here but I think the most important is this one: 4.5. That’s the spread and I think this is a defensive battle. LA plays them tight and might even win.
Take the Chargers (I’ll time it right one of these days) +4.5
What did I tell you last week? I love betting against Brock Osweiller and he didn’t disappoint me last week. Now he goes back home to play the Patriots who are fresh off a bye. Yes, the Pats have had troubles there, 2-6 ATS but 6-3 SU. More importantly, the Pats defense has closed up like a woman’s vagina who gave birth 3 months ago. Check out these numbers: 14, 7, 17, and 13. No, those aren’t the number of times your mom came to my house for the past 4 weeks. That’s the number of points the Pats have given up in their last 4. And they’re coming off 2 weeks of Bellichek planning? And now they’re playing against (stifling laughter) Brock Osweiller? I haven’t been this giddy since the night before I went to Vegas. As the late, great Ol’ Dirty Bastard said, N—-a please.
Take the Pats -7.5
It must be my birthday (actually, it was this past Friday so thanks for all the well wishes) because the gambling gods are going to trot out my 2nd favorite QB to bet against. Tampa Bay has more awful than listening than someone from Philly quoting ET: “phoooone hoooome.” And now they trot out Ryan Fitzpatrick, who served up pick 6s better than his Sith lord apprentice, Blake Bortles. The Jets who dismantled the Bills last Thursday have 10 days to prep against Ryan Fitzpatrick. I’d rather be a female comedian and go into a hotel room with Louis CK than deal with Fitzpatrick. Oh yeah, Mike Evans is suspended for his fracas on the field. Did you see how pissed Evans was with Lattimore? You would’ve thought that he said to Evans that Steve Harvey was a better host of Family Feud than Richard Dawson. The Jets are 5-0 ATS vs TB and recently 6-0-1 ATS. TB is recently 0-4-1 ATS and 1-4 ATS at home. I just don’t see TB rising to the occasion; especially with Fitzpatrick in and Evans out. No Forte for the Jets but they can still run the ball with Powell and McCown has been pretty solid of late.
I jumped on it too early at -2.5 but now the line is 1.5? Get all over the Jets!
Who’s hotter than the Rams? Not many teams besides the Eagles and the Saints. Although, the Rams are 2-8-1 at home and Hou is 5-2 ATS and 4-2 ATS on the road. Oh wait, that was when Hou had Watson at QB. How did Tom Savage do last week? Not. Well. 19/44 for 219 and most of it in garbage time. I think Fred Savage would be a better QB, at least he kissed Winnie Cooper. And oh yeah, that was against the Colts who have the WORST defense in the NFL. Rams defense in the last month have given up the following number of points: 10, 17, 0, and 17. And you think Savage on the road is going to make something happen? Don’t give me that “Houston defense” argument. 34-17-38-14 (last one against the Colts) are the last month worth of points. I hate taking big spreads but can you tell me otherwise? I don’t think so, Tim. Yep, just worked in a “Home Improvement” reference in a picks column.
Lastly, my only total for the week. Washington under has hit their last 4/6. Vikings off a bye are 1-6 ATS so I don’t see many points being scored. A metric ton of Redskins are still on the injury report. I think this one screams 17-14 so throw something on.
Vikings under 41
A lot of people are liking the Titans but I can’t make a good enough argument for them as 4.5 is a weird number for them to cover. Cincy is due to play well ONE of these days. I will probably take Mia +9 against an on again/off again Carolina team. I wouldn’t be surprised to see the Colts cover +10 at home. And lastly, I like (but will never bet) the Giants to win in SF. Literally half of the Niners are on the injury list.