If you missed this week’s, “Fantasy Football Jibber Jabber,” you can catch it right here. Catch me next week on Twitch at 5pm under Be Terrific. Fast forward to about 4:30 in for the start of the show.
4-4 last week, meh. Lost TB and the over. Lost Bal and SF over. Fucking Beathard turned that ball over more times than someone on the fix. Couldn’t score more than 10 points in garbage time? I hit Bal under as that Tucker miss solidified the under for me. Hit my lock of the week with SD under and thankfully, Vrabel went for 2 after that late TD. Either way, I was winning that one. Late hits with the Chiefs and my NY Giants brought me to .500. And of course that, “too little, too late comeback attempt but successful backdoor cover” for the Giants. And don’t bother with a butt sex joke, we’ve done them all. Especially all while sitting in a steam room at NY Sports Club. 30-21 on the season which puts me at 59% and better than most Vegas handicappers and MUCH better than the weathermen and weatherladies. Quick would you rather: Land a weatherlady or land an anchorwoman on any of the Hispanic channels? I vote Hispanic anchorwoman. No reason, I think it’s just a slightly higher accomplishment, as long as you don’t land the one that is also cartel member’s girlfriend.
The Lock of the week: I know the Rams just made the Niners look flat out silly last week. Aaron Rodgers is 4-0 when the Packers are getting more than 6. Off the bye, 9-2-1. Allison and Cobb will be back. Rams 6-11-2 last 19 at home ATS. Gonna be a ton of GB fans. So barely a home field advantage for GB.
Take GB +9.5
Facts are facts: Drew Brees is a strong MVP candidate this year. Some people are trying to downplay the revenge factor the where the Lattimore whiffed on a tackle, Stefon Diggs runs for the TD and an insurance company endorsement deal. Saints 4-1 ATS and 5-0 SU out of their last 5. The line went from Saints +1 to now Saints -1.5. Time to wait this out till Sunday as the public has obviously pounded the Saints. Minn 3-5-2 last 10 and 1-3-1 at home. Also, the Saints have went over 52: 6/9, 7/8 vs Minnesota, 8/10 in Minnesota, Minn over 4/6.
I’m taking the Saints -1.5 (Waiting till tomorrow to see what the line ends up) and over 53
The Steelers have been over 6/8, 4/5 at home, Cle under 4/6 and under 4/6 on the road. 8/12 vs Pitt. Plus, Pitt D has let at least 21 points to QBs. 21 is also the number of sandwiches most women order at Primanthi’s, 21 also the number of times they’ve hooked up with their uncles, and 21 is also the number of IQ points those water heads have.
Plunk down some buck on Pitt over 49 (I bought it down to 48.5)
After the Chiefs game sunday night, Cincinatti looked like Houston after her 500 man gangbang. Now they’re home and not on prime time which is key for Andy Dalton. He’s like A-Rod, showing up when there’s no pressure but shrinking when the spotlight is at its brightest. No Gerald McCoy and Kwon Alexander on defense for TB and boy, does Jameis “One Star Uber Passenger rating” love turning that ball over. That fruitcake screwed me out of that over last week with all of those turnovers last week vs Cleveland. Cincy 6-3 ATS of late and 5-2 at home. Bucs 2-11 SU on the road.
Grabbing the Bengals -3.5
Seattle one of the best rushing the ball, Detroit one of the worst defending the rush. Seahawks off a bye and getting 3 points? Heiiidy HOOOOOO.
Taking the Seahawks +3 and their obnoxious fans.
Colts flying west to facing the Oakland Raiders who are in flat out, “selling anything not nailed down” mode. Apparently, Derek Carr isn’t crying, YOU’RE CRYING. They traded away Cooper who wasn’t really doing anything all that special anyway and Lynch is on IR. Now I ask you, where are the points coming from? Jared Cook? I’d rather have Jared from Subway. Raiders also 2-13 ATS against teams that have a bye the following week.
Take the Colts -3
Bears have Mack listed as questionable. But where are the Jets getting their points from? All of their WRs are out: Enuwa, Robbie Anderson, and Wayne Chrebet all out for the Jets. They signed Richard Matthews and who cares? He couldn’t stay on the Titans roster? Jets 2-5-1 on the road. 0-4-1 in Chicago. Bears 11-4-1 at home. I know the Bears haven’t laid more than a TD in well over 5 years but again, where are the Jets getting their points from?
Take the Bears -8 but going to wait till kickoff to see the number.
Speaking of teams that are else selling their body parts for science, the Giants are home and that will be the last game of the year I attend. As much as I enjoy the randy talk and spirited menu fare of my buddy, I can’t stomach the thought to pay to see this team nor freeze my ass off any more this year. Giants trade Eli Apple and his annoying mother to the Saints (no big deal) and Snacks Harrison (huge deal, #1 run stopper in the NFL) to Detroit. Washington escapes with a win against Dallas and Jason Garrett’s ability to fuck up a glass of water. Washington 4-2 ATS of late and I know the history favors the Giants but I’m going against a team almost ready to bench their QB.
Take the Skins -1
The Niners just got smoked. I don’t feel like going to a full handicap except that from one of my favorite gambling podcasts, RJ “Mushmouth” Bell’s Vegas dream preview, all of the guys love the Niners because the Cardinals stink and the last time they faced each other, the Niners lost but were +5 in turnovers. They rebound against an awful Josh Rosen with turf toe. 4 likes from those sharps are enough for me to like it too.
This guy promised you free money. I’m GIVING you free money!
When you’re good, take a bow. And goddamn, am I good! Last week, 6-1, repeat 6-1, while in Vegas with my buddies. We ate like kings, drank the uncle who was too touchy feely with your sister, and screamed about all that FREEEE MONEY we received. Dal under, AZ under, Cincy, Rams, Philly under, and the “what not to do in overtime” clinic put on by the Browns and Steelers brought me my final winner. For those of you while are going to hear this story for the rest of your lives, Cle got 2 TDs late to tie the game up. I had the under at 44 and the score going into halftime was 21-21. Translation: 99.5% of the time, I’m fucked. But because Ben can’t close on the road or a mouthy coed in a bar bathroom and Cleveland went all Cleveland; neither team scored and the under held on by your mothers’ steel wool pubes. The only I lost was the Saints money line and boy, was that a hit in the pocket as the money line was -550. And now since we have more time to write this article while Predator is on in the background, my daughter is eating popcorn, and my wife is preparing for 4 eventual moments of randy talk, let’s get to the picks!
The Filthadelphia Eagles showed that they sucked less against Matt Ryan on the road last week. Atlanta had 20 penalties, which is 4 less than crybaby Venus Williams had at the US Open. Was it Venus or Serena? I don’t care. Tennis is a half step above soccer, NASCAR, and people who play Pokemon. Ok fat nerds, 1997 is over. Stop chasing fake Japanese turtles in traffic while listening to Goo Goo Dolls and go do a few laps around the track that bullies chased you around in gym class. So now Philly goes down to Tamp-er, as that morbidly obese, real life Comic Book Guy, Mike Francesa would say. Tampa took the tits out of the Saints in their own building last week. Do you think Tampa has it in them for back to back wins? Statistics don’t think so. Fitzpatrick is 1-9-1 ATS after a win. Philly 4-2 ATS and 5-1 on the road. Tampa is 2-4 at home against Philly. And they’ve lost Hargroves and Grimes in the secondary. Oh yeah, DeSean Jackson is in concussion protocol after he scored a TD and DIDN’T spike the ball before the end zone…for once. Lastly, Philly has had 10 days to prep for this game. You’re only laying 3 and that’s a bargain.
I’m taking buying the Birds down to -2.5
Just read that Marcus Mariota although banged up, is going to play this Sunday. And apparently, backup Blaine Gabbert is going to play as well. Well, you know the old saying, when you have 2 QBs, you have zero QBs. Tennessee showed me nothing last week and although Watson wasn’t good at all in NE, the Texans were hanging tight against the Pats. Houston 11-3 ATS as well as 5-2 ATS in Tennessee. Hopkins is probable for Houston and Delanie Walker is out for the year for the Titans. And hell, I even like the under 43 as there is supposed to be some rain. Maybe the hurricane reaches there as plays a role.
But I’m buying down the Texans to -2.5 for sure and maybe the under 44
The Steelers are back home where you’ll hear one of the worst accents in the world. Yinz? Pop? Jesus, can you people NOT home school your kids when you dropped out of the 6th grade to work in the coal mines? But there are 3 things for sure: Death, Taxes, and Toronto relief pitcher Tyler Clippard shitting the bed. And the 4th is usually Ben Rothliesberger at home; ESPECIALLY after a shit tie. And who has the Cleveland under 5.5 for the season? Your favorite neighborhood handicapper. The Chiefs defense got gouged but hung on against the Chargers last week. No Eric “Dingle” Berry for the Chiefs. Ben and the boys actually close a game out in Pittsburgh while Leveon Bell misses out on another 500k game check. The last time someone avoided Pennsylvania this long, it cost her the election. Zing!
I’m buying the Steelers down to -2.5
The Jets shocked the world when they beat Detroit. Detroit shocked everyone when Matt Stafford did his best Nathan Peterman impression. Are the Jets going to score a lot of points again? No. Miami is going to come into the Meadowlands and cool down from those points they put up in that marathon last week against the Titans. Jets got 5 TOs and a lot of POT. Sam Darnold won’t be winging it all over the place. Miami is 6/8 under in NY so we’re going to make this easy and take.
Jets under 43
I love the Chargers in Buffalo because well, it’s Buffalo. And they stink. And they’re starting a rookie QB. Also, the Chargers offense will light it up against a hangdog Buffalo D. I know the whole, west coast team flying east for a 1pm game argument but the Bills are so bad, I don’t care. I bought the point and took…
Lastly, here are 6 words you RARELY hear me say: I love the Giants this week. They had a chance or 2 to take down the Jags. Dallas looks AWFUL, ZERO offense for them. They didn’t cross the 50 until the THIRD QUARTER last week. I just think the Giants are not doing 0-2 again this year. And getting 3? Sure, why not? Watch this game be 21-10 Dallas. But here’s an absolute LOCK: The Giants are 7/8 with the under and Dallas is 5/5 in recent under. Giants/Dallas go under 4/5. Eli and his moderately confused looking face win in a low scoring fashion.
Take the Giants +3 and the Under 41.5
Some of you love to wish away my summer. Well congrats, it’s now gone. Thanks a lot, you vortexes of fun. The only good news is that leaves me with a couple of things: my annual trip to Vegas and of course, FREEEEEE MONEY! So I’m writing out my picks on Thursday night, 9/6, and we’re going bare bones this article. Why? Because my flight leaves in a few hours and you’re not paying me for these. Even though last year, I was 58%.
I took Philly under 45. Because Nick Foles isn’t looking good in the preseason and at time of this article, he’s not looking good now.
You should know that under are the soup d jours in the first 2 weeks of the year as most offensive still haven’t fully clicked. And with that gem, I also locked in Pitt under 44 because Pitt has gone under 7/8 on the road, 8/11 playing Cleveland, and 5/5 when playing in Cleveland. Pitt is also 13-2-1 under on the road, yikes. And there are chances of thunderstorms. Remember, Ben sucks on the road.
Whenever a team has to travel far, don’t expect much scoring. And with that theme, let’s also take the Cardinals under 43.5. Washington has gone under 4/6 and 4/6 in AZ. AZ has gone under 10/15 and 14/20. And they have to travel 1500 miles with Alex Smith learning the ropes in game 1. New QB for Arizona, uh oh. Wait, never mind. It’s Sam Bradford, who’s barely played in the last 3 years. Carry on.
The sharps talked me into taking the Bengals +3 (I’m buying the half point). Luck hasn’t thrown downfield all preseason? And who else on that offense scares you? Exactly. How is their defense? Still garbage? Thought so. Bengals front 7 is solid and also has a good o line. I might even take the under 48 as Indy is 5/5 on the under and 5/5 under at home. Also, 5/5 at home playing Cincy.
In my only favorite of the week, no way (watch it happen now) the Jets go into Detroit and cover. Rookie QB Sam Darnold won’t be looking to air it out, he’ll be playing it safe in his debut. Jets are 2-5 ATS and 1-3-1 on the road. Take the Lions -6.
Dallas and Carolina ALEADY have banged up offensive lines? Jesus, that was fast. Cowboys on the road: under hit 4/5 and 8/9. Dallas with no one on offense but Zeke? I MAY take Carolina under 42.
I love the Saints but I don’t know about laying that NAWWWWNE and a half. I may take them on the money line at -440 but let’s see…
Those are your picks for week 1 and if you want to follow along on my win total bets, I took Baltimore under 8, Cleveland under 5.5 (GTFO, they’re not going from 0 to 6 wins in a season, and Buffalo under 5.5.
I knew I jinxed myself when I said I haven’t had a losing weekend since late october. 2-5 was not the way to spend Christmas but shit, these things happen. Hope you enjoyed Star Wars as much as I did. And I recently did see 2 new films that you may enjoy: Film reviews: 3 Billboards Outside of Ebbing, Missouri and Darkest Hour And now we go into the last week of the year which is just as confusing as week 1. Playoffs are mostly set with seedings up in the air which means some teams are half assing it or completely resting their starters. So I’m going to do more totals or games where there is some meaning.
The Raiders head to LA for a quasi meaningless game as the Chargers need help to make the playoffs. So for all you LA residents, get ready for Raiders fans (cholos) to have cockfights in that soccer stadium parking lot of yours. Let’s get ready for some cold, hard facts. Oak has hit the under in 5/5, 8/11 on the road (including last week in Philly, one of the 2 I got right), 4/6 vs LA, 13/17 in LA. Phil Rivers has been focusing more on his 29 kids than scoring points as his team his hit the under in 5/5 and 5/7 at home. I think Oak +7 is a play
But I like the LA under 42 better.
My NY Giants just have a new GM who already just started cleaning house. Got rid of the head of personnel evaluation and cut OL Bobby Ross for refusing to practice and play in Sunday’s game. In come the Redskins off a win and Kirk Cousins playing for a contract. It’s gonna be cold in Giants Stadium (sorry you Jets fans squatters, it will always be Giants stadium) and let’s see who’s out for the Giants: Evan Engram, Sterling Sheppard, Landon Collins, and Eli Apple. But I would consider it a positive for the other team if Apple was in because his mouthy mother could cover better than her pansy ass kid can. This team has ZERO offense which is exactly how many points they scored last week in Arizona. Oh yeah, JPP and his 7.5 fingers is also questionable. I’m 0-2 betting against the Giants this year as KC and Den both decided to take a steamy diarrhea dump on themselves in the ONLY 2 Giants wins all year. Skins are 4-2 ATS or late and 12-6 on the road. Giants are 2-5 ATS at home and 3-6 overall. Third time’s the charm.
Take the Skins -3
Minnesota is about to lock up a first round bye if they can take down the Bears. Shouldn’t be a problem as the Vikings are 9-1 of late, 7-1 at home, and 4-1. The ONLY thing I’m worried about is the funky number of 11.5 for the Vikings. I think the Vikings come out flying and shut down the anemic Bears offense. Bears are 2-4-1 ATS of late, 5-10 on the road, and 1-4 @ Minnesota. John Fox will be gone before the post game buffet is laid out. Get ready to say these words in the same sentence: Case Keenum and playoffs. Here are a couple of fun stats: Vikes are 6-0 for the under as home favorites of 10 points or more. Vikings are under 4/6 of late, 4/5 @ home, and 4/6 home vs Chi. The Bears are 5-1 for the under as an underdog of 10+ points. Bears are 4/5 of late with the under, 5/8 playing the Vikings, and 4/6 in Minnesota.
I really like the Vikings under 38 and the Vikings first half. I kind of like the Vikings -12 but prefer the other 2 plays.
In one of the top, “who gives a shit” games of the week, the Colts finish the year against the Texans who still look like they’re playing in that hurricane. This is going to be Chuck Pagano’s last game so the Colts may resemble an NFL team for once. The Texans have TJ Yates as quarterback this week and I’ll be honest when I say I’d rather have TJ Hooker behind center. And no DeAndre Hopkins this week either so I’ll play on the sentimentality factor and….
Lay -5 and grab the Colts.
I think the Bengals and Ravens go higher than 40 points this week. Why? The trends say under as Cincy has hit the under in Bal 7/10 and 12/18 overall. But Baltimore hasn’t put up less than 20 points since 10/22. And Cincy has put up at least 20 in 5/7. No Vontez Burfect for Cincy either. Bal needs the game and will want to stay motivated.
Take Bal over 40
In another, “who gives a shit game”, the Cardinals fly (pun intended) to Seattle who actually can make the playoffs with some help. Cardinals are 4-0-1 ATS of late but they suck on the road, 1-6. They also have trouble with Seattle, 2-4-1 ATS. And why doth thou give a dookie about this game? Because Bruce Arians is supposedly retiring due to health reasons. And you’re getting 9 points with a team who’s actually trying for no apparent reason. Yes, Seattle is healthier. But they haven’t exactly been lighting it up of late, 3-5-1 and 1-4 at home ATS. I’m tired so no more jokes or analysis.
Take the Redbirds and the 9 free points.
The lock of the week is the Saints game but not for the reason you may think. The Saints need this game to ensure a home game. The Bucs have played well of late but let’s tip my hand a little bit. Bucs have went under in 5/5 at home and 6/9 overall. 5/6 vs NO and 8/9 at home vs NO. Saints are 4/5 on the road with the under. This game could easily be a Saints blowout or a squeaker and I just don’t give 2 flying purple dildos. But I will guaran-damn-tee that this game…
Goes under 48.5
Kind of debating about: Cincy +9.5, Jets +15, and Niners -3…
“Kevin, where’s Reagan?” “Kevin, is Reagan coming back this week?” Hey, did you see I went 5-3 last week? “Yeah but we want to see Reagan eat her cookie.” That was all I heard! You guys would rather see my daughter and I make cutesy-poo faces (it’s adorable) than hear my winning picks and capitalize on free money this Christmas? No wonder school test scores are down and Madea films continue to make money. Good news, you’re seeing her today as she’s feeling completely better and eating cookies faster than Roy Moore eats 15 year old asses. We’re already off to a fast start as I took Atlanta on Thursday night so that puts me in the “nice” column to start week 14.
The Tennessee Titans are insanely overrated. If you had them last week -7, you absolutely stole one for the books as Derrick Henry broke a run for a late TD that was just meant to kill the clock and cover. Now, they go to Arizona where as a home dog, they’re 24-13. AZ isn’t playing for anything but the way they’re going about business, you would think otherwise. Tenn on the road is awful, 1-4 ATS. AZ vs Tenn is 4-1.
Fly with the Cards at the free +2.5 points
Cincinatti played Pittsburgh on Monday night in a game that was uglier than watching Rebel Wilson eating. Cincy 4-0 ATS and 13-5 vs teams with losing records. The Bears are just goddamn awful and John Fox is 4 weeks away from a pink slip and shitty gold watch. The Bears are recently 1-3-1 and 4-9 on the road. They’re not going to get motivated playing for a lame duck coach. Vontaze Burfict is out for Cincy but I don’t care. I see them taking out their anger from shitting the bed on Monday on the lifeless Bears.
The Bengals eat the Bears like a tourist who jumped into their cage at the zoo, -6.5
Kansas City is back home after failing to put the dagger in the Jets. Oakland comes in after unconvincingly beating the Geno Smith led Giants. KC has the under hit 12/17 at home, 7/9 vs Oak, 17/25 vs Oak, and Oakland is 6/9 with the under on the road. And with all of that, I’m taking the over today. WHAT?? You just gave 13 stats saying under! Well, Andy Reid isn’t calling the plays and the new guy took the reins off Alex Smith and then against the Jets, they threw smoke all over the place. They have nice weather in KC today so no crazy winds. The Oakland defense is trash AND they’re getting Crabtree back. We all know how bad the Chiefs D is. And the last time these teams played, they combined for over 60.
Take the over 48 with confidence.
Carolina is home against the Vikings after going to NO and getting a spanking (just like I said.) Fun facts: Carolina is 9-2 and has 7 wins as a home dog, also recently 4-1 ATS and SU. This is the 3rd straight game for Minnesota and something’s got to give. I think this is the week they finally lose one. Khalil and Olsen are probable for Carolina as well. I know Carolina is an unimpressive 2-3-1 at home but I think they bounce back after a loss and Minnesota can afford a loss; especially coming to the tail end of a road trip.
Take Cam and the boys +2.5
Miami is getting a bushel of points, 11, home against the Patriots. I know, betting against the Patriots is suicide 9/10 times. Yes, I know the Pats are 12-0 in November or later. Here’s why I like Miami: Pats are 1-3-1 in Miami and no Gronk. I think the Pats run the ball and kill the clock. I also think the Pats may get caught looking forward to Pittsburgh next week. 11 is the perfect number to backdoor with.
Dolphins and the +11 sounds like a plan to me.
The lock of the week is a no-brainer. I’m talking a no-brainer on the scale of the scale of, “Do I eat steak or do I fuck Lena Dunham?” The Philadelphia Eagles were brought back to Earth last week in Seattle. They stayed on the West Coast this week to practice and keep their body clocks right. The Rams players are dealing with the fires ravaging their lands like hipsters ravaging their parents’ dreams of not being sniveling pussies. This is going to be the game of the day but I think Philly answers back for being held down in Seattle. And I promise you, those dirt merchant Eagles fans will take over the stadium where they have an AVERAGE home field situation.
Eagles as a pick em on the road.
4-3 last week as GB smoked that over to put me above .500 for the week. Let’s give a shoutout to that Jacksonville coach, fuckwad Doug Marrone, as he decided erase all good karma by throwing the the ball deep in Jax territory with little time left on the clock in the 4th quarter in a tied game. Common sense would have had him run out the clock so they can get to OT. Jacksonville had a nice comeback, tying it up from down 13 and then watched my money disappear like Rob Schneider’s career as Phil Dawson kicked a 57 yd fg to seal it for the Cardinals. Indy lost by .5 as they gave up a late TD and blew a decent lead. However, the Pats cruised to the over as the aforementioned GB/Pitt over. The Niners hung tight for awhile but Russell Wilson poured it on late. The Bengals did smoke the Browns like I foresaw as well. Do I go back to the well with the Jags? Read on and find out. BTW, I took the Skins on Thursday night and Kirk Cousins went Kirk Cameron on me. Praying for something good to happen and it never did. Now THAT’S how you write a joke. So I’m 0-1 to start the week. Also, I put down money on the Saints to win the NFC championship at 6-1 odds. Wish me luck.
Short answer, yep. And as sad as this is going to sound, I have Blake Bortles going for me to determine if I get a first round bye in fantasy football. You’re probably asking yourself if I’m throwing the game so I don’t get the bye by starting Bortles and I would too if the shoe was on the other foot. Problem is, I drafted Eli Manning very late and then dropped him for Alex Smith who played out of his mind for nearly 2 months. Then Alex Smith started looking like Alex Trebek for too long. My buddy snaked Case Keenum off the wire so I was left with Bortles or Gabbert. So cross your fingers that Bortles eviscerates the Indy defense which resembles Jenna Jameson’s butthole. Let’s cross your toes and tongue that Marquis Lee and Leonard Fournette also have good days for your favorite sports handicapper. The Jags are 5-0 ATS vs Indy and that should be all you need to know. Ok, another nugget. Indy is 2-4 ATS on the road. The Jags losing in such an ugly fashion should be the perfect time to take them in the bounce back to put them smack in the middle of the division race.
Take the Jags -9.5
What can you say about the Patriots that hasn’t been said, especially the cheating and shitty fans elements? But give the White Devil his due, Bellichek is a covering machine and this week, those rapscallions are in Buffalo which is almost another home game for them. Pats are recently 5-0 ATS, 7-1 on the road, and 4-1 in Buff. Buffalo recently 2-4-1, 2-4-1 vs the Pats, and 2-10-1 home vs NE. In the last month, Buffalo has put up over 20 2x but both when they were getting blown out in garbage time. Buffalo has no WR and the Pats D has improved of late. I don’t see much going for the Bills except a lot of, “wait till next decade” talk.
Take the Pats -9
Minnesota has been on one hell of a cinderella ride this year, despite losing their rookie RB, Dalvin Cook, and riding the coattails of a QB named Case. Seriously, who names their kid, Case? I hope his parents finished the joke and named his brother, Closed. Wacka, wacka, wacka. The Vikes had 10 days off after dismantling the Lions to prep for the Falcons who have had a mild resurgence. I think that the Vikings being 15-8 on the road and Atlanta 1-3-1 vs Minny should be good enough reasons to take the Purple team this week. I also like the over and the numbers back it up: Minn is 4/5 hitting the overs and hit 5/7 of them on the road. Falcons have put up 30+ 3 times this year but don’t expect them to replicate that against a solid Vikes D.
Take the Vikings +3 and the over 47
The Lions were smoked last week and now they head to Baltimore, who couldn’t cover against the hapless Texans. Matt Stafford looked like he ate John Madden before the game on Thanksgiving so I think they play better. Baltimore doesn’t inspire confidence at home, as they’re 2-4 ATS. And Detroit of late is 2-4-1 ATS. But I tell you what jumps out at me, the over. Detroit has been hot with the over of late, 6/7 and 4/6 vs Bal. The Ravens have recently hit the over 5/7. So let’s see if backwards hat Matt Stafford can put up enough to hit and Joe Flacco puts up his usual pick 6 so we can hit…
The over 43.5
The lock of the week was easier than all of your mothers this week. Yep, 41 years old and not afraid to drop a, “your mother” joke in there. This isn’t the NY Times, folks. The Saints lost a tough one in LA last week and now they’re back to home, sweet home. When the Saints are home and have a winning record, they’re 17-3-1 out of their last 21. Holy. Christ. Saints are 4-0-1 vs Carolina while the Panthers are 2-4 in NO. Saints are recently 6-3 ATS and now after a loss? Yeah, they’re fired up and playing Carolina who A) got lucky that the Jets went FULL Jets and gave up a late lead AGAIN. Oh yeah, Carolina backdoored the cover with a late FG. Olsen is banged up again and Cam didn’t play well against the Jets. I just see the #Pangeabirthmarkface demolishing the Panthers at home and really no other way around it. I kind of like the over but I don’t know if Carolina will put up their end to cover. Although the last 2 times these teams played in NO, they combined for 79 points BOTH times.
Love the Saints -5 and maybe the over 48.
I kind of like:
The Jets to bounce back +3. KC had a tough time in Giants Stadium last week and the Jets play well as home dogs.
LAC -13 getting revenge for the Browns beating them last year.
Rams -7 in AZ. Do you think Blaine Gabbert keeps this up, even though they’re home again? I doubt it.
Niners +3 who are 4-2 on the road while the Bears are 0-4 ATS at home as favorites.
Detroit +3 who has had 10 days to prep against a team who has played nothing but backup QBs in their last stretch. Bal 2-4 ATS at home as well.
TB over 45. Jameis Winston is back so I’m laying off this. The line opened GB +2 but the pros jumped on that immediately and now is GB -2.5
Sorry for no column last weekend, I had an insanely packed Saturday with the Comics Watching Comics taping on Saturday while family came up for a belated birfday celebration on Sunday. But if you follow me and my cookie eating machine (She ate a CWC cookie last week), you’ll see that I killed it! I hit Tenn over on Thursday night to start off the week with an easy win as that was clinched in the 3rd quarter. I hit Philly, Baltimore, Minnesota and the under, and the Saints over. I lost KC (fucking Giants dicked me again when getting double digits), SD under (Peterman throwing FIVE picks didn’t help), and the Houston under. I also hit the Seattle over on monday night, giving me a SOLID 7-3 record last week. I took SD under on Thanksgiving and nailed that one with ease so we’re starting off the week 1-0. Hot hand in the dice game, baby doll! Talk about 6 hours straight! Clickety, clickety, clack! Now name that reference.
I missed definitely 1, even 2 bets last week. I should’ve went with the Pats and the under like my gut said to because the Pats stayed in Denver to maintain the high elevation conditions to prep for Mexico City. And by prepping for conditions, I mean put your money in your shoes and carrying a burner cell phone. I knew the Raiders weren’t doing that and boy, did it show. But I like to bet trends and here are a few for you: The Pats are 5/7 covering the overs at home. The Pats are 4/6 covering the overs when playing Miami. And Miami is perfect in the over department in their last 5. Matt Moore will be chasing points like Kevin Spacey chasing nerd boys in a Gamestop. 48 is an easy number for both teams to hit.
Take the Pats over 48
Pittsburgh has 10 days to prepare for the DOA Green Bay Packers. This game SHOULD be out of hand early and this number is so low that Pitt may be able to cover it themselves. For the last month and change, the Packers D has given up 20+ points in all but one game. The only question is can GB score enough points as in that same timeframe as they’ve put up 20+ points…one time. They’ve also been shut out once in that span (Lock of the week last week was Baltimore folks but then again, if you follow me on FB, you know that). GB has hit the over on the road 7/8. Pitt though, has hit the under 8/10. GB women are 0/10 when it comes to hitting the under of 215 lbs. I just think 43 is too low and GB will be chasing points late. Can you see Pitt winning this 35-10? I can. And if so, that’s a winner.
Take GB over 43
Jacksonville got one of the luckiest covers last week against the Browns when they stripped the ball from Kizer late and ran it in for a DTD. The last time Cleveland had their hearts ripped out of them like this was the previous Sunday. And the Sunday before that. And the Sunday before that. Jacksonville is 9-4 ATS and 7-1 on the road. Now they fly to sunny Arizona where the only thing the Cardinals fans have to look forward to is ASU sorority girls on a scavenger hunt during pledge season. AZ is 2-7-1 out of their last 10 and 1-3-1 at home. What’s Jacksonville’s biggest weakness? Run D. And who is the biggest “threat” on AZ? Old ass Adrian Peterson who aside from one stellar week has done less than SNL writers writing something else besides a Trump joke. Acquiring Marcel Darius was the best thing for Jax as the yds per carry for opposing RBs has drastically dropped since Buffalo gave him away like a cuckholded husband gives away his wife. And remember, BLAINE GABBERT IS THE QUARTERBACK. No way that top tiered Jax pass D lets up anything in the air. Especially from a guy named Blaine.
You’ll thank me when you take the Jags -5
The battle of bad accents, bad fashion, and bad driving (Ohio) is this weekend and the winner is truly the loser because it’s Ohio. Cleveland ALMOST covered for a bunch of you but then went full Cleveland Steamer when they fumbled and Jax returns that fumble for a TD. But Cincy has been a covering machine of late: 16 points over margin over their last 6 games as well as 6-0 ATS. Cincy 5-0 ATS vs Cleveland. Browns are 1-8 ATS and 0-4-1 on the road. I know 7.5 is a tricky number but this game can easily be 20-10.
The Bengals continue to make the Browns scratching their heads and counting down until Josh Gordon returns, take Cincy -7.5
After watching Seattle’s hopes get crushed by a late FG attempt falling short on monday night, I think they’re done. Their defense looks more trampled than Tera Patrick’s pussy. A short work week, ZERO running game, and now they’re on the road in SF. The Niners are fresh off a bye and have a little pep in their step after destroying the Giants 2 weeks ago. The Seahawks beat the Niners with a late FG to win 12-9 in SEATTLE. What makes me think they’re gonna do it on the road? Nothing. “DEAD MAN WALKING!”
Take the NAWWWNERS +6.5
The NFL is by far the hardest league to consistently pick winners. The best handicappers are 55% and your boy is currently 54% for the year. Who the fuck would’ve thought Denver would’ve lost OUTRIGHT to the Giants? That screwed a ZILLION people (hand in the air) in their suicide pools. And who would’ve even contemplated the Falcons would lost OUTRIGHT to the Dolphins. At home. After a bye? Jesus H Christ, this gets zany. Oh wait, let’s talk about this past Thursday’s Oak/KC game? Chiefs laying 3 but the Raiders drive the field late. Raiders on the 1 and then get called for pass interference, back em up 10 more yards. Time for just one more play and what happens next is just stupid: Carr throws incomplete but hold on, defensive holding. Can’t end the game on a defensive penalty so here we go again. Another incomplete pass but deja vu inserts itself with ANOTHER KC defensive holding penalty. Carr gets one last shot at redemption and the third time is the charm as he finds Crabtree for the TD. Point after is good, Oakland wins by 1. If you had KC (I had the under, that shit was toast by the middle of the 3rd quarter), you developed an ulcer. If you had the Raiders, you must have been balls deep in a leprechaun while Kate Upton motorboated you at the same time. And if you plan on motor boating Kate, do it soon as she’s going to hit the wall in about 3-5 years. She has Anna Nicole Smith part 2 written all over her.
3-3 last week so a push for the week sans the vigs. As I mentioned, I took the Oak under and lost so it puts me at 0-1 this week. Let’s right this ship with some winners.
Can you make an argument how the Colts can win or cover 3 against the Jags. Me neither and that’s why I really like Jacksonville in Indy this week. Fournette hasn’t practiced all week but they’re saying he still may go. And even if he doesn’t, I’m still confident that D can shut down the Dolts. Ivory is very capable of gashing that awful defense. Some numbers to back up my statement, sure. Jax is 6-3 ATS in their last 9, 5-1 on the road, and 4-1 ATS vs Indy. Sound good? I think so too.
I like the Jaguars -3
Deshone Kizer is back behind center. I think Cleveland has had more quarterbacks in the last 20 years than Jenna Jameson has taken dicks on camera. Cleveland has put up over 20 ONE time this year. Tennessee has put up over 20 3/6 times this year. Cleveland has a pretty good defense. Can you see this game 24-21? Best case scenario, which is great because the under is 46. And let’s end this handicap with one last statement. Cleveland has gone under at home the last 5/5. Good enough for me…
To take the under 46
One of the bets I didn’t put in that I should have was taking the Bears getting 6 against the dumpster fire Ravens. Those same Ravens now travel to Minnesota who admittedly are a bit banged up on WR. Diggs is out and Michael Floyd left early in last week’s game. But the Vikings have a rock solid D and (Mike Francesa voice), “Let’s be honest, ok? I’d ratha see the new Madea Halloween movie than trust Joe Flacco on the road, ok? Here’s da Mink Man, back afta dis.” Balt 3-7 ATS out of their last 10 and Minn 4-1 ATS at home. Sometimes the best bets are the ones that require the least amount of thought.
Take the Vikings -5.5
Green Bay plays at home against the Saints who have been lighting it up when it comes to the over, home or away. GB has also been a lock for the over at home. But let’s bring up 3 facts: The Saints have an improved (could it have gotten worse?) defense. I mean, we’re still used to see a Saints defense getting exposed like a freshman sorority girl, begging for beads on Bourbon Street. They gave up 38 last week but 2 of which were a pick or ST TD. The previous week, they held the Panthers to 13. But 2 weeks before, they shut out Miami (NBD, I get it). Next which is the obvious, no Aaron Rodgers. And finally, the forecast calls for a good amount of rain leading into game time. Is Brett Hundley going to put points up? In the rain? Against an average defense? He did throw 3 in Minn last week. I’m going to monitor this one solely based on the weather and IF the rain does indeed come through, I’m taking.
GB under 47
I like mixing up routines, vacation spots, and when I was single, women. But now the few constants I love are steak, teams that stick to their trends, and winning free money from said trends. That being said, let’s investigate another routine which I exploited a couple of weeks ago with the Jags. The Rams have been to London several times already. They stayed in Florida this week to prep for their trip across the pond. They had some great fluky TDs against the Jags last week (one of my winners) and now they’re 3.5 point favorites against the Cardinals. Cards just blew the doors off of an awful Bucs D and Jameis Winston’s shoulder. They brought in the smartest (on paper) QB, Fitzpatrick, who is everyone’s favorite guy to bet against and he actually cut the lead down with the help of a pick 6. But the Bucs lost (one of my losers) so the Cards got off the schneid. I barely trust Carson Palmer and if you think I trust him when his body clock is 8 hours off schedule, you’re insane. This game gets ugly, like the Brits’ smiles and food creations.
Take the Rams -3.5
AFC Central matchup this week, Bengals vs Steelers. Or as I call it, two towns of women that resemble a grilled cheese sandwich with Rosie O Donnell’s face. Bengals off the bye and the Steelers are home after stealing one in Kansas City with an amazing circus TD catch and run for Antonio Brown. The line is MUCH too high for a division game, as these games are usually decided by a FG. The history is against Cincy in Pitt but 5.5 is just too much; especially since the Bengals have gotten their shit together recently offensively as well as always having a decent D. And I’m also quite inclined to take the under as Cincy/Pitt have been so 7/8 last times in Pitt. Cincy also has been under 5/6 on the road. But I’m waiting to see till tomorrow (this article was written on Saturday night) how that line moves. However, I’ve already locked in…
Here are a few games that I’m debating about taking tomorrow but seeing how the line moves:
Pitt under, SF, Denver, Pats and over,
Anyone have the Chiefs or the over on Monday night? I hope you take your profitable asses and stick your heads in a blender. Cause I put up 145 in fantasy football last week and LOST because the guy I played had the fucking KC defense. On a fucking backwards pass. On the last play of the game. Boy, imagine if you had Washington and the under? You were EASILY counting that money and buying shit on Amazon or double ended dildos, just as a gag gift to sword fight with your buddies. Next thing you know, you got dildos in the mail which reminds you how you royally got fucked in the ass. This HAS to go in the gambling hall of fame story as the luckiest bet/baddest beat ever.
I mentioned profitable above and that’s the perfect description that fits me last week. Your boy only had 3 picks but guess what? All 3 were WINNERS. I did take TB and the under this week. The under on cruise control but let’s talk about TB. Cameron Brate dropped a TD that went right into his belly. 3 plays later, missed FG by Nick “Cuntface” Folk. He missed THREE FGs, which makes me wish a colony of fire ants takes residency in his urethra. Bucs score late, giving me the backdoor cover. Great…until they don’t get the onside kick and Gostkowski pulls his anti-Cuntface Folk impression by drilling a 48 yarder. Lose by .5, awesome. So we start this week at 1-1 and let’s go to the videotape!
Every year, there’s a team that you just hold onto because they do nothing but cover or hit the over/under. Last year was my NY Giants under. This year for me are the St Louis Rams. They’re 2-2 ATS but 3-0-1 on the over. Rams are 5/6 on the over and 4/5 at home. Seattle are 4/5 on the road. Seattle finally found their offensive groove against the Colts and the Rams are just lighting up the boards. Seattle D still isn’t what it was and the Rams can score. I’m debating about taking the Rams -1.5 because Seattle is 0-5 ATS on the road. Also, 3-7 ATS when playing the Rams. And that goes back to Dog Dick Jeff Fisher coaching them. Why is it -1.5 when the Rams are home? Shitty home crowd? Overreaction from the bookies? This opened at a pick em and I’m sure that the public is going to drive up the price.
I like the Rams -1.5 but I LOVE the over at 46
Dallas lost at home last week (Good, fuck them and their bandwagon fans. And oh yeah, Rams over hit last week. No need for flowers, just send a cut of your winnings) and now GB comes into town. GB with 10 days to prep and Davantae Adams passed concussion protocol. Who do I think will win? I think Dallas gets redemption but will I be laying hard earned dollars on them? Probably not being that Dal is 3-8 ATS and 2-6 at home. ESPECIALLY against with Rodgers and 10 days off. What does that mean to me? POINTS. Lots of them. 53 is the number, no problem.
Take GB over 53
What wins by KC and Hou last week. Houston destroyed the Titans so badly that Denzel won’t be able to remember them. KC is very good and they’re in Houston this week. How good is KC? Good but not good enough to go undefeated. The Texans are 9-2 SU at home so why does that matter? The game is a pick ’em. I think the Texans are rolling and have something special. KC played Monday night so we’ll see if they’re lacking a little. It’s time for their first loss and Hou is just moving right along.
Take the Texans at a pick ’em
I’m not feeling as strong about these next picks but kind of like them:
I hate betting the Eagles because A) I hate that town and B) Every time I bet them, they fuck me. But goddamnit, Arizona is checking a LOT of boxes this week: Carson Palmer is the most sacked QB. AZ cannot run the ball. AZ also playing an East Coast team at 1pm. And AZ just lost their best LB, Golden, to injury. Zona 1-4 ATS in their last 5. Philly 5-2 in their last 7 ATS and 6-3 at home. And I have them as my suicide pool pick this week. Watch them lose 27-21 at fuck me twice but man, they have to cover for me one of these days.
Take the Eagles quickly at -6.5 before it goes up.
The experts are saying Baltimore is so bad that they’re taking the Raiders with EJ Manuel as QB. I’d rather have Emmanuel Lewis as my QB than him. I just cannot see the Ravens who have been smoked 2 straight weeks losing for a 3rd. And you’re getting 2.5 points with the Ravens? Boy, this is a statement game when you’re facing a banged Raiders o-line?
Take the Ravens +2.5 and cross your fingers. If it gets to 3 or more, I’ll take them.