Ten Commandments of Wearing Jerseys to Sporting Events

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My father was NOT into sports AT ALL.  He could give 2 shits about who wins the World Series, Superbowl, but he always had a financial rooting interest in the Bud Bowls.  My brother and I got into sports and once a year, my father would take us to a Yanks or Mets game.  We would alternate years where we would go to the scary Bronx or Chop Shop Central Queens.  I’m the ardent Yanks fan and my brother was a closeted homosexual Mets Fan.  We would have a “man day” where my dad would get some solid field level seats and then we would eat garbage food that was 5 times the value of the tickets.  Thankfully, our metabolisms could’ve been bottled and sold to aspiring models/singers and we would’ve been multimillionaires.  Instead, I’m writing a dopey blog on a Saturday afternoon while my 1 year old daughter takes a nap.  I’m hoping I finish this article AND can squeeze in a trip to the gym before she wakes.  Hello time management, goodbye reckless boozing and womanizing.  Unless you have a shitload of money and pay off your wife with gaudy shopping trips to look the other way while you philander; welcome to married life, boys!

 

I still enjoy going to games for the camaraderie, catching up with buddies over a few cocktails, and watching the games from different angles.  But after going to many games over the years, I’m mystified that some people just don’t have any proper jersey decorum.  Like I said before, my dad doesn’t give a shit about sports but somehow, I learned through life what is the proper attire and how to wear it at the games.  So don’t blame this on being having a single mother in your household.  And if you are “that guy,” pay for your buddy to get an uber so he can come over and slap you repeatedly in the face.  Yes, I get it.  This is a first world problem and people who aren’t into sports could give 2 shits.  But god forbid if you don’t remember what Rachel from Friends favorite color is.

  1. Thou shall not be the douchebag who insists on wearing a full uniform of a team that isn’t even playing at the game you’re attending.  You want to wear your team’s hat so you can rep your team, fine.  But to wear head to toe apparel like you think you’re playing left field and batting 5th?  I was at a Yankees/A’s game and 4 dildos from Philly are wearing head to toe Philthies gear.  I asked them why are they wearing Salvation Army clothing to a Yankees game.  They said, “We have to represent our team.”  I told them that their awful Philly accents represents them just fine.  You’re a clown and just there to stir up a shit storm.  You fully deserve it when you get pelted with synthetic nacho cheese, leftover garlic fries, and a lukewarm $12 Budweiser.  
  2. Thou shall not be the cheap fuck who wears an obvious sponsored giveaway jersey to multiple games.  If you’re coming from the office and want to throw on a shirt they give you which has Stop N Shop logos plastered all over it like it was a NASCAR race, fine.  But to wear that to every game?  Pony up the $100 bucks for a decent replica and fit in with everyone.  Otherwise, you’ll be subjected to people like me yelling, “Hey Stop n Shop, cleanup in aisle 8!”
  3. Thou shall not be the relatively cheap fuck who wears a player’s jersey who turned out to be an absolute abortion.  The turnaround time to get rid of that jersey is 3 years.  I have a buddy who still wore his Kevin Boss (mediocre TE for the NY Giants) for YEARS after he retired/forced out/blows his brains out under an overpass in 15 years from CTE.  Look, I had a Jason Sehorn jersey (white CB for the Giants that A) was awesome till he blew his knee out returning a kickoff in a fucking preseason game and B) married that piece of ass, Angie Harmon) but I got rid of it when he was chasing wide receivers and his pants were falling to his ankles.  I smartly jumped on the Eli Manning bandwagon the second he got drafted.  Figured I’d go all in on the eventual franchise QB.  And if you have guys who obviously were hall of famers or solid contributors, by all means keep wearing them.   But if you buy someone that’s a rookie that didn’t pan out or a free agent that did his best work on another team and came to your team as a last resort (Jerry Rice on the Raiders, Ray Borque on the Avalanche), cut that shit out.
  4. Thou shall not be the, “My wife/kids bought this jersey for me” guy.  I’m talking about people who put #1 Dad or your last name on the back of their jerseys.  No, you’re not the number 1 dad in the world.  That’s because that title is held by Ferris Bueller’s dad.  Checked on his kid while he was sick, bought him a computer and his sister a car, and came home at 6 sharp as promised.  And if your wife or kids really knew and loved you, they would know that makes you look stupid and they would put your favorite player on the back of the jersey.  If my daughter wanted to get me a second Yankees jersey, my wife would tell her that it’s going to be a Jeter or Mariano, Not #1 Daddy.  Or putting your own name on the back of that jersey.  This isn’t t-ball, you child.  You didn’t play a down or throw a single pitch in the majors.  What you’ve done is given everyone within a 3 section radius to fuck with you for the ENTIRE game. Do you really want to hear, “Hey Sanderson, your sister had corn last night for dinner!  Just thought you should know!” Cut that shit out.
  5. Thou shall not be a Yankee fan that wears a jersey with a players name on the back.  We’re the only one that doesn’t do names on the back in the name of tradition.  Again, spend the extra bucks and get a real jersey.  You look dopey, cut that shit out.
  6. Thou shall stop it with the gimmick jerseys.  These teams milk the shit out of us as it is.  You’re going to get a camouflage home jersey because it’s the newest and you have to get it? You look like a child soldier in Sierra Leone with that jersey and those jean shorts.  Those awful neon colored jersey?  This isn’t Miami circa 1984, cut that shit out. 
  7. Thall shall stop it with the film character names on the back of jerseys.  I’m talking to you Costanza on the back of a Yankees jersey, Hansen on a Chiefs jersey, or Griswold on the back of a Blackhawks jersey.  We get it, you’re a Seinfeld, Slap Shot,  or a Vacation fan.  That’s not even a deep cut reference that can really be appreciated.  willie beamen. Now that’s at least a little off the beaten path.
  8. Thou shall not be the dickbag that wears a hat or jersey and when asked about said clothing, “Oh, I’m not a fan of the team, I just like the colors.”  Aww, how cute Ralph Lauren.  You’re making sure you’re avoiding the fashion police at a ball game.  This is the one place no one is judging people’s style.  Hell, the Eagles fans made Zubazz pants popular in that city inhabited by mouth breathers.  You don’t need to be on the cover of GQ while you eat a dirty water hot dog and suck down a $12 bud light.  Both of which I don’t consume because they’re gross. I eat before I go to the game because I refuse to pay top dollar for bottom feeding food.
  9. Thou shall not be a cheap bastard that takes masking tape and writes a current players name on the jersey of a shitty player with the same number.  
  10. And finally, thou shall not be that guy that tucks his jersey into his pants.  Hey Steve Urkel, let loose.  You’re at a game, not a board meeting, so relax.

When Kevin isn’t belittling someone for breaking one of these social mores, he’s playing with his daughter, telling jokes in NYC (Book him at Kgootee23@gmail.com), or working on his show: Comics Watching Comics (www.comicswatchingcomics.com)

NFL Week 4 picks

Went to the Giants game last week so didn’t get my article up in time.  Lost the under on the ATL/NO game, hit the Vikings under, lost the Bucs, hit the Packers, lost the Steelers, hit KC, and lost the Texans so that makes me 3-4 for the week.

Took the Bengals on Thursday night and hit that.  Took Jax over this morning and hit that so 2-0 to star this week!

Let’s talk picks:

I love Houston this week after getting smoked in Foxboro last week.  No JJ Watt, I hear you.  Texans had 10 days to prep, they’re at home, and the Titans can’t hold onto the ball.  The line is going the other way, opened at 6.5, now down to 4?  Jumped on Hou today and hopefully will benefit from that line swing.

The Jets got EMBARRASSED last week and I rightfully put my $ on KC.  The Jets are home, Seattle is playing in NY at 1pm, and the Jets are getting a point.  The Jets have a sick D and Russell Wilson is hobbled.  I think the Jets answer the bell so take the Jets +1.

Carolina was demoralized by the Vikings (I bet the Vikes under for wins this year, I’m in trouble.)  Carolina is now in ATL who outscored the Saints in a shootout.  No way the Falcons put points up against that defense.  I just don’t see Carolina going to 1-3 and the line is only -3.  Take the Panthers and lay the FG.

I may take the Saints +3.5 in SD later, depending how do I today.  I mean, they’re bad but are they 0-4 bad?  Both defenses are terrible and I see Brees rallying the troops today.

NFL Week 2 picks

Sorry we missed each other last week.  I was in Vegas, drinking too much and pissing away money at the blackjack table.

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I did get to do a spot at the Southpoint Casino last Friday night for the Dirty at 12:30 show.  Check out that show, had a blast doing it.

Last week, I went 2-3 with the picks.  The fucking Panthers took the foot off the gas and screwed me but then again, the Raiders came to save my bacon with that 2 point conversion.  This week, I already hit with the Jets +1 in Buffalo.  I knew the Jets had to beat Rex some time and Gang Green scorched Rex’s defense so good on me.  Ok, here are the picks:

New England barely beat Arizona in Zona.  Miami almost won in Seattle.  Is Tom Brady back yet?  Nope.  Is Gronkowski even at 75% yet?  Nope.  6.5 is too many points for a non-Brady led Patriots and the Dolphins D made Wilson look silly last week.  What do you think they’re going to do to a rookie QB?  Line opened at -4.5 and it’s now gone up 2 points this week.  People are going to get this one wrong or they locked in at the right time.  Pats will win but not cover.

I’m taking the Fish +6.5

TB has a new coach and a new attitude, just like Patti Labelle.  Only reason I threw out a Patty Labelle reference is because I just got some of Beverly Hills Cop on TV.  Tampa just made the Atlanta D look silly while on the road.  AZ defense is better but here’s my thing: Vegas always takes a couple of weeks to get a read on the teams better and what does that mean for us?  Higher points for underdogs!  7 is too many to take AZ but they’ll win nonetheless.

I’m taking the Bucs +7 unless the line drops below 7.  Then I take Zona.

Call me a homer but don’t call me daughter.  Pearl Jam reference, check.  Although I find Pearl Jam to be a bit overrated.  Their last 3 albums, not so great.  And I dare you to make it through, “Ten” without skipping some of the heavier played songs like Jeremy or Evenflow.  They don’t stand the test of time, sorry.  Anyway, I took the Giants last week in Vegas because 4 straight season opener losses HAD to stop and especially against a rookie QB.  Eli looked great and that INT was on Sheppard as he didn’t run a proper route.  Running game needs work.  But they’re playing the Saints who were COMPLETELY eviscerated by the Raiders last week AT NEW ORLEANS. The Saints are good ATS on the road, 5-1.  And I’ll be at Giants stadium tomorrow, watching my boys put up an aerial attack like Carr’s crew did last week.  If you have ANYONE on the Giants for fantasy football, start them.  I have OBJ and Cruz in some of my leagues and like Bart Scott said, “CAN’T WAIT!”  Rain is in the forecast but not until after the game. I don’t care the over has moved up 2 points, both teams combined by 101 points last year and I don’t see them having a defensive battle.  But taking the Giants is ALWAYS risky so…

I’m taking the Giants over 53.5

The Jacksonville Jaguars came DAMN close to beating GB last week.  The Chargers shit the bed in a profound fashion last week.  That’s the recipe for a major Chargers turnaround, right? Wrong.  Keenan Allan blew his knew out.  And the Jax D is VASTLY improved.  No Ivory last or this week but Yeldon stepped in nicely.  Right now, the line is SD-3 and I think Jax wins this outright.  But if not, they’ll have a 3 pt cushion.

I’m taking Jax +3

Heartbreak in Indianapolis last week.  That’s what I would say if I was a single man living there, yeesh.  The average girl is about 25 lbs overweight and probably gives a lazy BJ in that town.

anistonBut if you saw that game, Lions drove the field and won it with a last second FG.  Denver did beat Carolina at home but not by much.  That offense hasn’t clicked yet with a rookie QB and now I’m getting 6 or 7 points with a pissed off Andrew Luck?  That’s like asking would I like bacon with that?  Denver may win but they sure aren’t winning by more than a TD.

I’m taking the Colts +7

I’m a little leery now of this one because the line swung 3 points the way I want to go but goddamnit, the Browns are back with McCown as QB.  RG Knee (as my buddy Walt calls them) is done and I bought into the browns last week against Philly, whoops!  I know Bal is on the road but man, a backup QB in his first game of the year?  The line is now at -6 but if this goes to 7, I’m not touching it.

I MAY take Baltimore but only if it’s below -7

GB almost lost to Jax on the road last week.  I haven’t seen a discount double check commercial this year, yet.  What do both have in common?  Not a fucking thing, welcome to the mind of someone with VICIOUS ADD.  I don’t care Minnesota is christening a brand new stadium.  Blair (Horrible first name for a guy, I would’ve changed it immediately) Walsh shanked a couple AND a PAT last week.  That Titans game should have been a lot worse than it was.  Minnesota is missing 2 starters on D AND Sam Bradford is back in at QB?  I don’t care that Minn is 8-0 ATS in their last 8 games, the line is GB-2.5??  Please, Aaron Rodgers answers the bell against division rivals and will look to spoil the ribbon cutting up in Minn

I’m taking GB -2.5

The revenge factor: ALWAYS factor that in when making bets.  KC pretended like Houston was a drunk sorority pledge last year in the playoffs by completely having their way with them.  Last week, SD completely collapsed with the KC charge led by Alex Smith.  That’s right, Alex Smith.  The guy the NAWWWNERS (Francesa reference, check!) took over Aaron Rodgers.  Is Alex Smith going to come back and shit on Houston’s chest again in their own building?  Nope.  KC defense got gashed early and often.  If Melvin Gordon (I’d rather have Flash Gordon or Commissioner Gordon) can run roughshod against the Chiefs, Lamar Miller can easily manhandle this D.  The Texans circled this game twice in red pen and the spread is only -1 or -1.5?  I think Vegas thinks the Chiefs are better than they are.  No matter, that makes this pick MUCH easier for me.

I’m taking Hou -1.5

Stone Cold Lock of the week  Simpsons reference? Check! images

My buddies and I every year pick a team and go over or under for total wins for the year.  This year, we took Oakland and hit the first game of the year in a wacky fashion.  I said it before and I’ll say it again, Oakland can very well win division.  We need them to win 9 or more games and it’s a freeeeee steak dinner at a top joint in NYC.  So the Falcons D gets buttfucked at home by the Bucs.  Now they’re flying 3000 miles west against a team that buttfucked the Saints defense?  The Falcons are garbage, ESPECIALLY on the road.  Line is -4.5 and I think that’s a bargain.  Derek Carr and Amari Cooper are on some of my fantasy teams and boy, this is gonna be a blowout.

I LOVE the Raiders -4.5 and MAY take the over at 48.  Raiders are the lock of the week

Bonus pick:

I won’t take this one unless it goes to over 7 but if you’re feeling saucy, take the Rams +6.5 over Seattle.  Did you see the Hawks game?  Looked like they were playing with a slow internet connection.  Rams home opener with a banged up Wilson?  Man, this could be the shock of the week.  I think they can definitely hang tight and if it goes to 7 OR if I hit a ton of 1pm games, I just may

Take the Rams +6.5

Season record 2-3

This week: Jets +1, 1-0

 

 

Fantasy football draft #3 recap

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Last one folks, hope you’ve enjoyed my analyses on my picks and you’ve taken a nugget or 3 for your own drafts.  My final draft occurred on 8/25

Team name: I say NAAAWWWNE, ok?  Back afta dis….

So if you’re not into NY sports talk radio, you won’t know that’s a Mike Francesa reference.  Or you make think that’s a Sour Shoes reference in which it can be but know that he’s goofing on Fatcesa.  TURN MY MIC AWN!

And in this draft, I had pick #1.  I fucking hate pick number 1 unless it’s a year where you have a NO-BRAINER #1 pick.  I’m talking Ladanian  Tomlinson, Marshall Faulk, or Jerry Rice, or Barry Sanders in their prime. Because there are multiple ways to fuck this pick up and you will make yourself sick trying NOT to screw it up.  And you are waiting a LONG time in between picks so you are forced to sometimes to take a player that you wanted to wait on just a little while later but know that there’s no way they’re coming back.  Or there may be a run on RBs or WRs and you feel the pressure to plug a spot.

1st Pick: I doubled down on Antonio Brown again because he’s the closest thing to one of those “no doubt” number ones.

2nd pick: LeSean McCoy: He owes me a season after his last mess with the Eagles.  And as I mentioned above, there was a run on RBs so I felt I had to grab one now or get stuck with a Jeremy Langford/Frank Gore as a number 1 RB.  He should bounce back and no more Karlos Williams to steal carries.  A healthy Tyrod Taylor and Sammy Watkins will make this a pretty nice offense.

3rd pick: Keenan Allen: I could’ve tripled down on Amari Cooper but I’m leery of going in all in with a player in all 3 leagues.  That guy gets injured and ka-plooey!  Even though he’s only my #2 WR, I still didn’t want to gamble.  Besides, Allen and Cooper are 6 and 1/2 dozen.  Allen was CRUSHING it until he got a shot to the kidneys.  He’ll be back with similar or even better numbers.

4th pick: Jarvis Landry: Couldn’t believe my eyes when this beaut fell into my lap.  And there were some questionable picks this round: CJ Anderson (who never lives up to expectations) Eric Decker (too early for him) and Matt Forte (also a little early for an injury risk compounded with a crowded backfield).  This makes it yet again, a SICK WR trio for my teams.  He and OBJ have a bet to see who gets more yds and tds so that will definitely play into my favor…

5th pick: Jordan Reed: Also couldn’t believe my eyes that this guy was available.  Experts had him going late 2nd-early 3rd.  At the beginning of the 5th, I got INSANE value for him.

6th pick: Chris Ivory: You know why he’s on Jax?  Because TJ Yeldon sucked.  You know who’s already starting preseason games? Chris Ivory.  And it’s not going to be 21-0 at the end of the first for Jax anymore, they’ve shored up their defense.  So that means more running and not as much passing for the Pan Handle faithful…

7th pick: Ameer Abdullah: He must get harassed by TSA quite often with a name like that…Rough rookie year, fumbled all over the joint and was left behind.  He’s starting this year again and let’s see if he holds onto the ball.  Experts say 7th round was the right time so I pulled the trigger. Besides, he’s my #3 RB or flex so I’m not married to him by any stretch.

8th pick: Tom Brady: Yet again, the 8th round I get him and yet again, I get value for him.  It’s going to pain me to root for a Patriot but remember: Cash moves everything around me, CREAM! Get the money, dolla dolla bill, y’all.  I was looking to get Sterling Shepard this round but I got snaked 3 picks in front of me by a buddy who is a Giants fan.

9th pick: Torrey Smith: Yes, Colin Kapernick is his QB but shit, he’s the #1 WR on this team.  And he’s my 4th WR, not married to him by any stretch.  And I think Kapernick can’t sink any lower so it’s going to translate nicely for Smith.

10th pick: Devin Funchess: I think I reached just a little bit for him but my 2 picks I had queued up were snaked by the 2 guys drafting in front of me.  I wanted Tajae Sharpe and/or Devontate Booker but like Grandmaster Flash said, “These…are…the breaks!”  I think Funchess can be a nice #2 on that team but not married to this guy either.

11th pick: Bilal Powell: Matt Forte must have Obamacare as his insurance cause he can’t stay healthy.  Bilal Powell is the next man up so….

12th pick: Joe Flacco: I wanted Tyler Boyd but he got snaked 2 picks before me.  And Mariota went 4 before me, another guy in my queue.  My backup QB and I know, he’s inconsistent as they come.  Here are his first 4 games while Brady sits out for me: Home against Buffalo (decent D) @Cleveland (not scaring me one bit) @Jax (They’re better but let me know when they get there) Home against Oak (That D hasn’t been good in 15 years) And during Brady’s bye week, they face the Steelers.  That game is either going to be 9-3 or they’re lighting up the scoreboard.  One week, he’ll throw for 350 and 4 tds.  The following week, he’ll throw for 125 yds and 4 picks.  Just need him for a short time, not the whole year…

13th pick: DeAndre Washington: Does Latavius Murray scare anyone?  (looking around) Nope, didn’t think so.  So I’ll grab the guy that LM’s owner SHOULD’VE grabbed sooner

14th pick: Victor Cruuuuuuuuz.  I had to have at least one Giant and had no problem taking a flier on my guy who salsa’ed his way into everyone’s heart. If he’s healthy and I know, that’s a big IF but he’s practiced all week, that offense will be fucking solid with OBJ, Shepard, and CRUUUUUZ.

15th pick: Mason Crosby:  Fucked up and clicked the wrong guy in this spot.  Broke my own rule!  That cost me Will Fuller…

16th pick: Javorius Allan: Guess who had Justin Forsett last year?  Guess who won’t get fooled again?  NOT THAT I’M BITTER HAVING WASTED A 3RD RD PICK ON HIM.  Well, I’ve learned my lesson.

17th pick: Rams D.  They’re ball hawks despite losing Jenkins to my Giants.  And if they suck, who cares?  It’s a defense and they’re a dime a dozen.  No one with brains wastes a pick above 2nd to last unless it’s the 85 bears, 00 Ravens, or the ’14 Seahawks.

Fantasy Football Draft #2 recap.

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Well, you’re either a fantasy football junkie, an advice seeker, or back to shit on my draft.  Either way, welcome back.  Draft #2 was on August 24th and here’s my team.

Yet again, I had the 3rd overall pick.

1st pick: Antonio Brown.  Yep, you read that right.  My buddy (fellow Giants fan) wanted OBJ because he loves him and the guy who was going #2 wanted him so he snaked him.  But I’ll GLADLY take AB at 3, he’s a goddamn beast.

2nd pick: Allen Robinson.  He absolutely blew up last year and a lot was because Blake Bortles put up great garbage time numbers.  I don’t care, he’s nasty and I’ll gladly have a slight decline in numbers because he’s still a top 5-10 WR.

3rd pick: Amari Cooper.  Smell a theme?  Yeah, I’ll double down on Cooper in another league.  Remember, Oak WR face the 2nd most favorable match ups against shitty CBs. Yet again, I have a NASTY trio of WRs.

4th pick: Thomas Rawls.  Had to get the best RB left on the board.  Coming off an injury and the Hawks do run that ball quite often…

5th pick: Jeremy Langford.  No real competition and he shakes off last season’s rust and runs with this opportunity.  Passed on Matt Forte because he’s old and banged up…

6th pick: John Brown.  In case you missed it, Carson Palmer throws a lot.  And the end is coming very soon for Fitzgerald, despite last year’s Phoenix-like return to greatness.  Michael Floyd is injured often so I’m going with the guy who can straight out haul ass.

7th pick: Frank Gore.  Doubled down on Gore because I wasn’t going with Giovani Bernard and it was too early to go on a QB not named Rogers, Wilson, or Newton (all of which were taken by now.  Although it didn’t stop one guy from taken my boy Eli in this round…)

8th pick: Kevin White.  Rookie year, injured.  He’s the number 2 WR on a team where the #1 gets injured regularly.  And Jay Cutler likes to throw too…mostly to the other team but once in awhile, he’ll find his man by mistake.

9th pick: Derek Carr.  Made a leap last year and yet again, 2nd easiest schedule vs CBs.  Doesn’t hurt that I have his #1 target either so might as well double dip with the connection.

10th pick: Zack Ertz.  I think this was the steal of the draft.  Yes, this guy is always touted as a breakout candidate but no more Chip Kelly and maybe a new rookie QB in a few weeks.  TE are usually the safety valve so what the fuck…

11th pick: Sammie Coates: Doubled down on him again because Ben will have at least 2 games where he throws for close to 500 yds and AB can’t get them all.  Markus Wheaton is trash and this kid is gonna get those #2 targets.

12th pick: Tevin Coleman: If this guy doesn’t get injured last year, Devonta Freeman is a nobody.  He’s healthy and they ran the shit out of Freeman last year.  And believe it or not, a few dummies have started to take defenses and kickers in this round.  Thanks for the donations!

13th pick: Jameis Winston: Backup QB and he faces the Bears D.  Good enough for me.

14th pick: Brandon McManus: Second to last round so time for a kicker.

15th pick: Patriots D: Last pick and these guys get their fair share of DST TDs

Thanks for reading and share with a friend.  Follow me on twitter @KevinGootee and stay tuned during the NFL season for ATS pick!

Fantasy football talk/draft #1 recap

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As I’ve said before, this summer for films BLOW.  I’ll wait for Sausage Party, Suicide Squad, and Jason Bourne to hit video or stream online.  Same for Hands of Stone or Don’t Breathe.  I’m so glad Ben Hur failed miserably as Hollywood MUST be getting the memo that we’re SICK of rebooting good films.  So let’s talk Fantasy Football which we’re right in the midst of draft time.

I do 3 drafts a year and all my friends know, I draft best available player.  I’m also a fan of value, nothing better than getting a solid player later than a round or 2 later than he was expected to go.  So I’ll share with you my teams and we can cheer/mock my picks:

League 1.  Team Name: Hope Solo’s Goop Chute.  If you don’t get that reference, google Hope Solo naked selfies.  And make sure you aren’t eating at that time.

I had the 3rd pick overall and went with my boy OBJ.  He’s gonna crush it as the Giants have the best schedule against poorly ranked CBs.

2nd rd: Mark Ingram.  He’s the Saints guy now and Drew Brees can’t throw 80 times a game.

3rd rd: Amari Cooper.  Oak as the 2nd best schedule against poorly ranked CBs.

4th rd: Denarius Thomas. Don’t care they don’t have a QB, whomever is at the helm will do their damnedest to get him the ball.  And he’s my THIRD WR.  Wow…

5th rd: Dion Lewis.  Drafted him 6 hours before the news came down he’s going to be out 10 weeks…oops

6th rd: Donte Moncrief.  TY Hilton is not Reggie Wayne nor Marvin Harrison.  Nice 4th WR/Flex

7th rd: Frank Gore. Yes, a bit of a gamble as he’s 34.  But he’s VERY durable and he’s my number 2 back.  If he gets me 7 TDs on the season, mission accomplished.

8th rd: Tom Brady.  Goddamnit, I hate the Patriots.  But he’s going to be in full, “Fuck you” Or “Bobby Bowden mid-late 90’s Florida State running up the score” Mode.  I’m getting great value for him here.  I’m missing 4 games (5 with the bye) with Brady so all I have to do is get to week 4 at least 2-2 and I’ll be good to go.

9th rd: Danny Woodhead.  Did you you see Melvin Gordon last year?  I did because I had that shitsipper.  Here’s me snaking the guy who took Melvin Gordon

10th rd: Willie Snead.  If you missed it, Drew Brees throws…a lot.  I know he spreads it around but he’s my 5th WR and he can easily get 6 TDs this year.  The problem will be he’ll get 3 of them in 1 week while he’s on my bench.

11th rd: Travis Benjamin: Phillip Rivers doesn’t win Superbowls but he sure throws it a lot. It’s nice to have a #2 WR on a team that airs it out…

12th rd: Sammie Coates: Crushing it in training camp and will boot Markus Wheaton out of the #2 WR role.

13th Rd: Bilal Powell.  Matt Forte is old and banged up.  Not saying Powell is the answer but he sure is a nice bye week fill-in.

14th rd: Devontae Booker.  Love this pick as CJ Anderson BLOWS.  Ronnie Hillman took away a ton of his carries and Booker has almost usurped Hillman on the depth chart.

15th rd: RG3. Go ahead and laugh.  But I’m not and here’s why.  Like I said, I need him for the first 4 weeks and a bye week.  Here’s Griffin’s first 4 games: @Philly (garbage defense),  Home Baltimore (not a great D), @Miami (garbage defense), and @washington (Garbage defense and let’s not forget the “revenge against the team who cut them” factor.

16th rd: Dwayne Allen.  The rule of thumb when drafting a TE is if you don’t get a top tiered one like Gronk, Olsen, Reed, or Kelce…you wait.  And wait I did.  No Coby Fleener so no more sharing catches.

17th rd: Lions D.  My last 2 picks will ALWAYS be kicker and defense…except last night where I clicked the wrong guy and drafted a kicker in the 3rd to last rd.

18th rd: Mike Nugent.

And there you have it so comment away on my draft.  I think my only notable weakness it my number 2 RB but then again, not many people have 2 solid RBs.  I do have 3 NASTY WRs and a solid bench.  You can make the case that until I get Brady back, QB is weak too.  I’ll buy that…I’LL BUY THAT.  But I think RG3 answers all the naysayers and is at LEAST competitive.  If not, start looking for a string of RG3 car washes in the Cleveland/DC Metro/Baylor areas….

 

Summer 2016 films? No thank you-America

I remember like it was yesterday.  I was 12 year old back in the summer of 1989 and seeing the onslaught of summer previews made me giddy.  When you’re 12 and your social options are highly limited, (playing outside, sports, video games), the cinema is usually hangout number 1.  Being I was (still am) a HUGE film nerd/snob/afficionado, I had no problem spending a ton of time in the multiplexes.  And when we had to write one of our final essays for our 6th grade English class, I chose to write about what summer films I was most excited to see:  Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, Nightmare on Elm Street 5 (I was 12, cut me some slack on some of these), Uncle Buck, Karate Kid 3, Honey I Shrunk the Kids, License to Kill (James Bond), as well as everyone’s crown jewel that summer…BATMAN.  Jesus christ, I counted the days down for that one like kids counted down until Christmas.  It came out on June 23rd (happy birthday to my then 6 year old sister, Jill) and boy, did America go all-in with this film.  24-7 showings in NYC, breaking box office records.  And look what else came out that summer that I learned to appreciate a little bit later in life: Field of Dreams (ok, it came out in late April.  Also, tied with Major League as my favorite baseball movie) Lethal Weapon 2 (Diplomatic Immnity!  Has just been revoked!), Do the Right Thing, Parenthood (still holds up), Road House, Dead Poet’s Society, and the Abyss.  I mean, wow.  I dare say probably the best summer slate I’ve ever or will ever see.

Fast forward to present day.  Every April, I still enjoy looking for that summer release schedule to see what the biggest films of the year are going to be.  And every year, I have about 3-5  I truly am excited for.  This year, Captain America 3 was my biggest anticipation and it didn’t let down.  X-Men: Apocalypse was a CLOSE second but unfortunately, this was a letdown and Singer’s first swing and a miss in this franchise.  The new Star Trek looks ok and Matt Damon is back as Jason Bourne so I was pretty sure I’d be giving my 15 bucks to see Bourne yet again.  But after that, the list went bleak.  Bleaker than Yankees playoff hopes.  Yeah, didn’t think I’d be writing that sentence in awhile but here I am.  I’m a movie reviewer for a radio station in NY but I haven’t been fully doing my job as I refuse to pay money to see crap in the theater.  I’m mainly reviewing new to DVD films, that’s how bad it is.

Here’s a list of the most likely money makers along with their budgets (domestic grosses)

Secret Life of Pets: week 1 take over 100 million, budget 75 million.  Verdict: Winner  Most cartoon films do pretty well in the summer time.  Wash, rinse, repeat.

Legend of Tarzan YTD 81 million, budget 180 million.  Verdict: BOMB  How many times do we have to tell Hollywood that no one cares about Tarzan since 1960?

Finding Dory: YTD over 400 million. Budget N/A Verdict: HUGE winner.  Pixar RARELY misses (The Good Dinosaur is the lone exception)

Independence Day: Resurgence YTD 91 million, budget 165 million Verdict: BOMB (Should’ve paid Will Smith what he wanted, probably could’ve saved this)

Warcraft YTD 46 million, budget 160 million. Verdict: COLOSSAL BOMB.  Even the gamers turned their backs on this one.

Xmen: Apocalypse YTD 158 million, budget 178 million.  Verdict: It will break even, especially with DVD and overseas but this was not supposed to be a break even or slightly profitable, it had higher expectations.  Are poor reviews to blame (yes and it wasn’t that good) or over saturation of superhero films?

BFG YTD 38 million, budget 140.  Verdict: Colossal Bomb.  Spielberg doesn’t eat shit but in this case and Indiana Jones and the Curse of the Crystal Skull, he sure did.  No one gave a shit about the 3rd most popular Roald Dahl story.

Ninja Turtles 2:YTD 80 million, budget 135 million.  Verdict: BOMBS AWAY.  Again, world box office receipts may get it to even but how do you fuck up a Ninja Turtles movie?  Answer: Keep Michael Bay in charge.

Alice Through the Looking Glass: YTD 76 million, budget 170 million.  Verdict: Nagasaki and Hiroshima combined.  No one gives a shit about the Looking Glass story anyway, why make this a live action film?

 

Next week is probably one of the most negatively discussed film that has yet to be released, the Ghostbusters film.  I hate reboots because 9 times out of 10, there’s no need to reboot a solid film.  And there’s no need to reboot a film just to force-feed us political correctness.  I loved Daisy Ridley as Rey in Star Wars.  Why?  It was organic and not contrived about this.  I love Jennifer Lawrence as Mystique and Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft for the same reasons.  The new Ghostbusters has the dubious honor of being the most negatively reviewed trailer on youtube.  Even Target put the action figures in the clearance bin (target clearance) before the movie comes out!? Yeesh, not a good sign.

And what else do we have to look forward to?

The new Ice Age film comes out soon and not one has grossed under 160 million yet.  Will America burn out on this franchise?  Maybe but I doubt it

The new Star Trek film.  Justin Lin (Fast and the Furious) takes over JJ Abrams director’s chair so we’ll see.

Jason Bourne.  Should be fine

Suicide Squad-DC’s answer to the Avengers.  Massive reshoots were ordered after the success of Deadpool because they felt more humor needed to be injected.  The real question will be how does Jared Leto handle the Joker after Heath Ledger put that character in the stratosphere with his performance.

Pete’s Dragon (live action) The Jungle Book live action was a smash but I don’t think this will be near as successful.  I never saw the original Pete’s Dragon and don’t recall anyone else looking back fondly on it.  Hell, did or do they even have a ride at Disneyworld for this film?

Ben Hur-historical reboot.  No thank you

Sausage Party-animated Seth Rogen film.  I’ll pass.

Here’s the bottom line: A lot of these tentpole films bit the big one.  Why? America is getting smarter and not dropping $15 a ticket.  And god forbid if you go see a film in 3D or even 4D where you could shell out as much as $30 a ticket for a mediocre film.  Audiences are saying no thanks, I’ll wait for Netflix or illegally stream it.  And can you blame them?  You run the risk of sitting next to assholes who are talking and chewing their food loudly.  The guy 5 rows in front of you is on his cell phone every 2.5 minutes and the light keeps distracting you.

The reason you see so many reboots is because a lot of the good ideas have been done and the knockoffs of those good ideas are mediocre at best.  Long gone are the days where an entire summer offers a variety of quality movies.  I wish they weren’t but it sure does seem that way.  And good for you, America.  Keep your wallet in your pockets and don’t pay top dollar for less than acceptable quality films.  I know I’m not…

Captain America: Civil War (no spoilers)

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But first, a rant:

I write this review as a superhero fan but not an ultra comic book nerd, which has made Facebook unbearable at times when a new film or news of a new film breaks.  I enjoyed the superhero cartoons in the 80’s and 90’s but never really jumped into the comic book pool.  That’s a whole other world and because of that, I can look at people in the eye and have a meaningful social interaction without stammering how awkward I am while looking like I’m mentally planning a school shooting or ready to attend an open mic.  You’re welcome, world.  Ugh, it’s annoying to hear some of these nerds spout out with some minuscule fact like, “This movie is bullshit because Batman’s eyes are midnight blue and not ROYAL BLUE.”  I guarantee if they got some action once in awhile they didn’t involve anime but a live woman, they could give two shits if Daredevil’s junk hangs to the left instead of the right.  Daniel Tosh has a GREAT joke about comic book nerds: “You can try and guess how fast Superman can fly and I’ll tell you what the inside of a vagina feels like.”  So if I misinterpret a minor detail nerds, it’s not really a big fucking deal.  Get back to killing time until you go back to work for the Geek Squad at Best Buy.  Rant over, time for the review.

Captain America: Civil War picks right off where Avengers 2 left of.  The opening action sequence is solid and oops, Scarlet Witch kills a few bystanders by accident while trying to save a crowded marketplace.  That causes the government to intervene and demand the Avengers sign an accord which makes them act only if the UN deems their services to be needed.  Iron Man surprisingly wants to conform to the government’s wishes while Captain America, also surprisingly, does not want to answer to anyone while he tries to help.  And therein begins the Civil War:

Black Panther is introduced as is the 3rd Spiderman to put on the costume and I gotta say, I dug the new Peter Parker.  He’s quick and eager to please Stark but he maintains a semblance of nerdiness which doesn’t get annoying.  He definitely trumps Andrew Garfield and mopey/bad dancer Tobey McGuire in Spiderman 3.  God, what an abortion that film was.  Anyway, like I said, Black Panther is played by Chadwick Boseman, who is damn great in everything I’ve seen (42 and Get On Up are vastly underrated) and doesn’t disappoint in this as well.  Of course, your usual superheroes are back such as Black Widow, Ant Man, War Machine, Vision, Iron Man, Scarlet Witch, Winter Solider, of course Cap, and even a surprise.  Not appearing are Hulk and Thor but it’s explained why.

The action is solid, the story is as silky smooth as you can imagine.  A few twists and turns and the cool thing about this film is there is no real super villain as the other films usually have.  Deadpool tried going this route and failed miserably because that villain was so uncharismatic.  This unknown villain has the character makeup and pulls it off sweetly while not having to rely on superpowers or a backstory that we all know.  The real villain is opposite what side you take, i.e. Team Cap or Team Iron Man.  I’m a Tony Stark kind of fellow, ride or die, so team Iron Man for me.

Joe and Anthony Russo are back in their directors’ chairs as they also directed Cap 2, which I put in my top 3 Superhero film genre.  Can you think of a trilogy or series where the 3rd film was better than the previous ones or even as good as the original.  The few that come to mind where the 3rd was better than the original was LOTR: Return of the King, Bourne Ultimatum, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, and Toy Story 3.  So this film is already in rarefied air.  And I’ve got news for you; 2 of my top 3 superhero films are now Captain America films.  I still keep Xmen “Days of Future Past” in the top 3 and I’m hoping “Apocalypse” is as good and have no reason to think otherwise.  Captain America: Civil War isn’t good, it’s fucking great.  How great?  I need to see it again before I make it official but goddamn, this could be my favorite superhero film of all time.  Like I said, I’ll have to rethink the position of this one, Xmen DOFP, Cap 2, and even Xmen 2.

I’ll do my Mike Francesa impression for my rating: “This is a good movie, ok.  It was an udda masterpiece.  You want me to give it a numba?  I’ll give it a NAWWWNE out of 10, ok? It was that good.  A NAWWNE.  2:20, here’s da Mink Man.  Back afta dis.”

 

Film review: Batman vs Superman

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Here’s the deal on #batmanvsuperman. I really had no desire to see anything by Zack Snyder ever again. The previews looked unremarkable and did I mention I hate Zack Snyder and consider his films to be lower than Police Academy goes to Moscow? The early critics’ reviews were just as I suspected, scathing.

But I didn’t see this film till easter sunday so I had 2.5 days of peoples’ reviews filling my Facebook newsfeed. The über comic book nerds hated it but I think it also might be due to a major bias against DC. And remember Daniel Tosh’s joke about comic book nerds: “they’ll try and tell you how fast Superman can fly but I can tell them what being in a woman’s vagina feels like.”  So don’t ask their opinion, you’ll just get annoyed and maybe start hating them because of their overbearing passion…just like Bernie Sanders supporters.

So I caved in and saw it because of the multitude of, “the critics overreacted, it’s decent/fine”reviews.  And I’m here to say, the general consensus was right. This film is not as bad as some are making it out to be. This film is alright, maybe fine, but this film definitely has its flaws:

Yes, Affleck isn’t inspiring as Batman. Yes, this film at time feels like forced setup for the JLA film instead of simply  just being in the moment. Yes, Wonder Woman kicks ass without explanation of her powers or origin. Yes, Superman continues to be the penultimate uncharismatic superhero of all. And Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor? I wasn’t feeling this choice at all.  He’s more neurotic than I remember Luthor; Gene Hackman, he ain’t.

The fight scenes are what you expect; brow beating you with CGI but hey, it’s a superhero film so fine.  One friend commented that one particular scene in the previews where Batman fights a bunch of henchmen that it’s very, “Arkham Knight-ish.” I agree and enjoyed that sequence.

But this film didn’t suck like Batman or Robin like some make it out to be, it was fine. I’m not buying it on blu ray and I’m glad I paid 7 bucks for it because I saw it at 11:30am. Does this make me anticipate JLA with higher hopes? Slightly but since I’m a gambler, I’m betting on Snyder’s past trend of stinkaroo films. But for now, he gets a SLIGHT reprieve.

Movie review: Deadpool

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Here we are, Valentine’s Day weekend and what USUALLY comes out this weekend in the theaters are lazy romantic comedies (How to Be Single.  Can we just throw a saddle on Rebel Wilson already?) or sequels that no asked for (Zoolander 2.  My streak of not seeing Ben Stiller movies is intact since I wasted 90 minutes on that piece of donkey shit, Tower Heist.)  Thankfully, the prodigies at Marvel studios picked a perfect time to drop their first superhero film of the year (Captain America 3 and XMen Apocalypse come in April and May) and Marvel opens with a hit.  

For those of you who haven’t completely blocked Wolverine: Origins out of your minds yet, you’ll recall Ryan Reynolds was in that film, playing Deadpool.  You’ll also remember how that abortion of a film mutilated (pun intended) a perfectly good character and didn’t let Reynolds do the wisecrackin’ for more than 10 minutes until they literally sewed his mouth shut. Thankfully, writers Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick let Reynolds do what he does best, crack wise while even shitting on Wolverine: Origins and Reynolds’s other shitbag superhero “effort”, the Green Lantern.  For those of you not familiar with Deadpool, think Van Wilder (Reynolds breakthrough film) who cuts off bad guys heads.  The self-deprecating humor works as does some of the other dick and fart joke material.  Hey, that’s the character!  Some film reviewers get tight assed about that and that’s why no one takes the majority of them seriously.  You mean to tell me nearly EVER 18th century period piece gets at least 3.5 stars out of 4?  No thanks, sometimes people just want to laugh and watch shit blow up.  

Obviously, this is the origin story and Reese and Wernick do a great job of telling it efficiently.  They also bring Colossus from the Xmen as well as Negasonic Teenage Warhead.  I had no idea who she is and apparently, she was short lived in the comic book.  I felt the addition of Colossus and NTW didn’t bring anything to the table; it felt like an obvious tie in for the future Xmen films.  So that’s pretty much it for any superhero crossover discussions.

What I liked:

Reynolds jokes are fucking hysterical, couldn’t tell you the last recent film (or even comedy) I LOLed that much.

The flow was perfect, everything wrapped up nicely in 100 minutes.

This is by FAR, the best Stan Lee cameo you’ll ever see.  Not even close

This is by FAR, the best Marvel end credit scene, EVER. 

What I didn’t like:

Probably the weakest villain in a superhero film I’ve ever seen.  He’s the consistent English bad guy you’ve seen in every action film, ever.  I’m not familiar with the Deadpool comic book and maybe this guy is the Joker or Magneto of Deadpool but if he is, snore.  No charisma, nothing remarkable at all.  

Gina Carano plays Angel Dust.  I had no idea who she was; she wasn’t explained at all except she’s strong.  Nothing substantial about her either…moving along.

The Colossus and NTW addition seemed like a good idea on paper but weren’t orchestrated properly.  It feels contrived and by the end, you don’t care when they show up in the final battle.

This is the first rated R Marvel studios film (the first rated R comic book film was Blade) and it deserves it.  Plenty of violence, cursing, and nudity…just what a growing boy or girl needs.  Congrats also go to TJ Miller for finally landing a role where I don’t want to punch him in the face.  

I totally dug Deadpool but I think it will rank 3rd of this year’s Marvel films.  And that’s not a shot at Deadpool, I just have super high expectations for Cap 3 (seriously, the trailer is fucking bonkers and Cap 2 was goddamn amazing) and XMen Apocalypse (trailer again is bonkers, Singer is directing again, and this is Marvel’s crown jewel for a reason.)

I give it a 7/10, it’s totally worth 15 bucks but no need for IMAX or 3D.  And drag your gf/wife to this because honestly, do you want to see Rebel Wilson clogging up a movie screen?  She’s just biding her time until Melissa McCarthy passes over the “annoying fat girl who farts/burps/says inappropriate things” crown.