NFL Picks Week 11 ATS

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A fun fact for you to munch on:

NFL teams since 2002, + Road Favorite, + 13 or more days of rest61-23 (73% Against The Spread)

The Texans are 4-2 ATS of late. Washington 4-1 ATS but beat TB, Atlanta, Dallas, and Giants. No Crowder or Chris Thompson vs a well rested Houston D?  Easy pick
Take Hou -3
Tampa Bay is coming up to NY who is currently waiting to pull the trigger on Eli.  Warning: warm weather team coming into cold weather as it’s 40 degrees here now.  Tampa 11/15 under in NY. . TB under 5/6 in NY. Giants 5/6 Under at home and 11/16 under of late. Tampa 5/5 OVER on the road but what makes you think Fitzpatrick is going to light it up. TB couldn’t put up points at home after putting up 500 yds
TB under 52.5
The Vikings are 8-3-1 ATS on the road. Who have the Bears beaten of late? Jets, Lions, Bucs, Cardinals, and Seahawks. One of those teams is .500. The rest are not. Vikes off a bye with Xavier Rhodes back. This line is off as they mean to say the Bears are a .5 better on a neutral field? I don’t buy it. I’m waiting to see if the line goes to 3 and then pouncing.  If not, I’m still taking the points.
Minnesota +2.5
 
Rams traveled to Denver to practice in altitude and had to come back after Mexico City did horrible groundskeeping. Seriously, when was the last time you ever thought you would hear that? KC 8-2 ATS, 5-0 ATS on the road. Rams 1-5-1 of late, 2-5-1 at home. Both teams are about to go on the bye but the Rams are sucking win. The number is perfect for the dog so I grabbed it.
KC +3.5
 
Atlanta rubbed sandpaper in my Bhole last week, not being able to score against Cle on from 2nd and goal on the 1. Lost me an over. But Atlanta is over 4/5 and home and 4/6 vs Dallas. Dallas has gone over 4/6. We all know ATL defense sucks. Prescott is gaining rapport with Cooper. 
Atlanta over 50
 
Time to take the Chargers seriously. And time for Vance Joseph to hold hands with Todd Bowles into the soup line. Chargers 4-1 ATS of late, Denver 5-15-1 of late. Denver 3-11 ATS on the road. Let’s see if this can also go down to 6.5
Take the Chargers -7, maybe they can drop to 6.5 by kickoff.

Film review: Trainspotting 2

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How often does a sequel that comes out 20 years after the original come close to re-capturing the magic? Not often but Trainspotting 2 does. The boys (and Renton’s statuatory rape case Catholic school girl) all return for the sequel. Mark Renton returns to Scotland to find  Spud suicidal, Sick Boy who has taken up a life as a blackmailer, and Begbie who is hell bent on revenge after getting screwed at the end of the first film.  

If you like callbacks, this is your film.  There are so many nods to the original that some of you may get sick of seeing them and beg for the film have its own story.  I’m not one of those people, I enjoyed the nostalgia.  Are there more drug hazed moments of reflection? Check.  Is there a ton of unintelligible Scottish dialogue?  Check. Thankfully, they subtitle that “English.”  Is the soundtrack banging like the first one?  Check.  They even had a few of the songs from the first remixed and put into the second film.  I’m pretty sure you can figure out which ones.  And one of director Danny Boyle’s strengths is picking songs for a film and I guarantee you’ll walk out of the theater picking out songs to download.  

Renton, Sick Boy, and Spud all plan on building a brothel, the brainchild of Sickboy.  However, Sickboy has an ulterior motive which is screwing over Renton who also was screwed by Renton in the first film.  Renton catches wind and now is out to screw Sickboy.  Everyone’s out to pull a fast one on each other except Spud, who’s contemplated becoming a writer of his heroin induced escapades.  And of course, Begbie is tracking down Renton like lion stalking his prey on the Serengeti.  

This film is much darker than the first and Robert Carlyle is the driving force behind that darkness.  He’s played several, loathsome assholes in films: The Beach, the first Trainspotting, and in one of the most forgettable Bond films, the World is Not Enough.  Forgot that one?  Let me refresh your memory, it’s the one that had Denise Richards in it…as a nuclear physicist.  Repeat, nuclear…physicist.  In fact, I’d like to nominate Begbie into the top 10 movie assholes of all time.  He escapes from prison and comes home to get his son, who is attending college, into the family business of burglaries. He’s back to his ways of being a general asshole to anyone who is going about their day.  And the scene where he finally tracks down Renton is fantastic.  

I totally dug this film.  Is it as good as the first one?  Maybe, I’ll have to re-watch it to compare.  But it’s definitely in the ballpark.

7 out of 10.

 

 

NFL Divisional Playoff picks ATS

Well folks, we’re right in the thick of the NFL playoffs.  Sorry I didn’t get an article to you last week but if you follow me on FB, you would’ve seen my elephant shit picks.  Ugh, the only one I got right was the Seattle under, 1-3 for the weekend.  The Pitt over almost hit and my dad always said, there’s no such thing as half pregnant.  I went with Oakland and the rookie QB, Connor Cook.  I thought Brock Osweiller would be worse but he did enough to cover.  The Giants wide receivers forgot how to catch except they were able to catch a flight to hang out with Justin Bieber.  Seriously, if you’re going to take a mini-vacation during an off day, the last thing I’m doing is hanging out with that little fruit.  I’d rather hang out with Justin Verlander so I can hopefully see Kate Upton topless and those massive…acting chops.  

Let’s talk gambling for this week:  I took the ATL over last night and sweated out the Patriots -16 so 2-0 for the week so far.  First game today is GB/Dal. You can truly make a case for both: Aaron Rodgers is hotter than gonorrhea and Emily Rajakowski (I’d still do her if she had an std AND make her a mixtape.)  Dallas can run the ball on anyone, has had 2 weeks of rest, but has a rookie QB at the helm. GB is without Jordy Nelson but that didn’t stop Rodgers from dismantling the Giants in the 2nd half.  The stats are favoring both teams (Dallas is 5-0 SU at home and 9/10 vs GB at home while GB is 5/5 SU.  The last 5/5 have gone over for GB.)  Here’s what I think: I think Dallas plays ball control and runs that ball down their throats and is able to keep the ball out of Rodgers hands. 

God, I hope Dallas loses cause there would be nothing worse than a Patriots/Dallas Superbowl.  I’d have to root for a meteor to fall just like I did when the Patriots played the Eagles.

I’m leaning GB but I locked in:

GB Under 53

I don’t mind the Chiefs nor the Steelers but let’s be honest: the ONLY team in the AFC who has a chance of knocking off the Pats (and they did look a little vulnerable last night) are the Steelers.  The problem though is Pittsburgh on the road isn’t as good.  And Andy Reid off a bye 16-2 SU and 14-4 ATS in the regular season.  In the playoffs: 3-0 SU and 2-1 ATS.  Wow, pretty solid numbers.  Pitt outside of the eastern time zone is 6-14.  But man, it’s certainly hard to bet against Ben.  The line is KC-2 but I’m a hell of a lot more sold on these facts: KC have gone UNDER in 6/7 at home and Pitt has gone 6/7 UNDER on the road.  It’s freezing cold and the game got moved because of an ice storm that was supposed to hit KC.  So this is a no-brainer for me to take: 

KC under 44.5

Dr. Strange film review

doctor-strange-comic-con-poster

 

When you’re wrong, you’re wrong.  And I can admit I’m wrong…which isn’t all that often but does happen.  And boy, was I wrong about Dr. Strange.  I saw the previews and couldn’t give less than 2 shits about this one.  I know nothing about Dr. Strange.  Even my comedian nerd friends know nothing about this tertiary character.  So I had no desire to see this possible cash grab…until the positive reviews came in like a deluge.  And so I said, what the hell, and paid 8 bucks by going at 10:50am to see the newest Marvel installment.

First off, Benedict Cumberbatch (sounds like a British kids show character) is amazing here and really, in everything he does.  He’s fantastic as the lead character Steven Strange who can best be described if Tony Stark was a neurosurgeon.  An automobile accident takes away his use of hands and then he heads to Nepal where he heard that a paralyzed man was able to regain limb usage.  There is where he learns how magic can manipulate time and weaponry.  There are several fight scenes where you think you’re watching the Matrix or Inception and it’s beautifully shot.

Tilda Swinton plays the Ancient One, Strange’s mentor.  Apparently, the Ancient One is Asian in the comic book and Tilda Swinton couldn’t be more white.  I didn’t have anything invested in the comic book so it doesn’t affect me but wouldn’t you think to keep the race of characters intact?  Another issue I had was when you see shots of NYC, you see the Avengers headquarters.  But as we know, it was destroyed and set in the middle of nowhere in later films.  I asked a friend who knows about these things (uber comic book nerd) and he said this is supposed to take place after Iron Man 3.

Rachel McAdams plays Strange’s love interest and they do have some great repartee, especially when Strange goes into the spirt world as he fights a bad guy while his body is being operated on by McAdams.  Lots of humor in this film and you enjoy watching Cumberbatch enjoy being a snarky neurosurgeon.  This is a fun film and surprisingly, they made a, “who gives a shit about this guy” film into a, “glad I was wrong about this one.”  And yes, he ties right into the Marvel universe and you’ll see where during the scene where the credits roll.

I give this a 7 out of 10.

NFL Week 7 picks ATS

The hot streak continues!  Last week, your buddy and guru went 3-1-1 with his picks so hope you loaded up.  Full disclosure:  I took the Bears +7.5 on thursday night and Brian Hoyer breaking his arm fucked me but good.  3 straight winning weeks so let’s continue this freeeeee money train.

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This morning, I took the Giants under 45.5 in London.  Case Keenum did he job by handing the game on a silver platter to the Giants by throwing 4 picks.  So this puts me up 1-1 going into the 1pm games

As my friend Paul said 2 weeks ago and I’m sticking to it, “I’ll stop betting Minnesota when a team can score more than 14 against them.”  Eagles off a bad loss and home for this one.  Carson Wentz is slowly being figured out by the league and let’s not also forget the revenge factor for Sam Bradford.  He was traded before the season when Bridgewater went down and was a malcontent in Philly.  Now, he’s risen like a Phoenix from the ashes and been nothing but consistent.  Revenge factor + off a bye week=

I’m taking the Vikings -3

The Jets are trash.  Tomorrow’s newsboy sales pitch: “Extra, extra, mouth breathers from Queens jumping off the Whitestone bridge.”  Jets are -69 in scoring differential.  Forte has been a non-factor since week 2.  That secondary has been flambeed, scorched, and stepped on.  No Decker and Geno Smith is now the starting QB.  Yuck.  Yes, Joe Flacco is a little nicked up but I’m getting 2 points against Geno Smith??  Yes, please!

I’m taking Bal +2

Remember gambling rule 1: Don’t be a hero, just win $.  This has been a tough week for picks which is why I’m only taking 4 games.  I debated about Oak +2 but for some reason, that game yells, “stay away.” Also debated about NE -7.5 in Pitt without Big Ben.  Also felt that could be problematic.  So, here’s the final pick:  Atlanta got FUCKED in Seattle with a non-call for pass interference.  They’re coming home and playing SD who has had 10 days to prepare.  SD has been playing teams tight, they’re sneaky good ATS.  A lot of expert picks have SD covering again.  But this is the week that comes to a halt.  Atlanta has been flying high and to have their wings clipped in such a fashion last week (I had Sea -6.5, didn’t cover), they’ll be pissed and will air it out at home.  SD can keep it close but not closer than a TD against the Falcons

I’m taking Atl -6

 

Movie reviews: Jack Reacher: Never Look Back and Don’t Breathe

I know, you haven’t seen a film review from me in MONTHS.  That’s because there’s been mostly JACK SHIT (pun intended for today’s review) leading back to Captain America 3 in May.  I thought about it yesterday; I haven’t seen anything in the theater for 3 months.  That’s an INSANELY long absence for a film buff like me but I’m refusing to pay 15 bucks for mediocrity.   “Jack Reacher: Never Look Back” came out yesterday and I really enjoyed the first one so I said fuck it, let’s do a double dip and also see Sully.  Well, NJ transit reared their ugly head yet again and got me to a voiceover audition 25 minutes late which also fucked up my film schedule.  So I called an audible and also checked out, “Don’t Breathe.”

reacher

JR2 is a follow up to the hugely popular book series, Jack Reacher.  They didn’t start with Reacher’s first book for the first film nor do they for this film.  Don’t worry, if you didn’t see the first film or read the books, you won’t be lost at all.  The biggest discrepancy between the books and films is that in the books, Jack Reacher is 6’4″, blonde hair, blue eyes, and 250 lbs of muscle.  And then playing Reacher in the films is Tom Cruise who is very much the opposite of 6’4.”  I swear at one point in a hotel room scene with Cobie Smulders, I thought he was standing on a platform to be at her eye level.

Cruise plays Reacher, a former MP who pretty much just roams the country where he keeps in touch with Major Susan Turner (Cobie Smulders) and when he comes to visit her, find out she’s been locked up for treason.  Reacher believes in his friend so he breaks her out so she can prove her innocence and then gets involved into a web of selling US weaponry mixed in with mercenaries.  Action scenes ensure, Tom Cruise runs like he’s mimicking the T-1000 from Terminator 2, and of course, more than your fair share of cutesy poo action film cliches.

I read the book a few years ago but I don’t recall anything except that in the book, Reacher and Turner have “relations.”  Maybe Cruise wanted to keep this PG-13, maybe he didn’t want to fake his way through heterosexual love scenes, who knows.  Does it affect the plot? Of course not.

I had no desire to see the first film in the theater when I saw the trailers because it looked like every blasé action film.  I was pleasantly surprised when I did catch the first JR.  The second trailer was presented just like the first, nothing to get you excited to drop $15 for.  Was I as pleasantly surprised with this one?  Not really.  This film is fine, Cruise does a solid job in 75% of his films.  There are some good action scenes but nothing you haven’t seen before.  Cruise doesn’t push the envelope like he does with the Mission Impossible films.  Then again, if you read the Reacher books, he’s not a glitzy action hero.  You can totally wait for Netflix for this one but if you’re dying to get out of the house and see something, you can see this without feeling ripped off.  If it’s either this or “Madea blackmails Hollywood into funding another film”, always go with couch jumping Cruise.

I’ll give it a 6.5 out of 10.

dont

Again, NJ transit torpedoed my schedule yet again this week so I didn’t get a chance to see Sully.  Instead, I chose a film that did well at the box office but more importantly, got a lot of solid reviews.  That was the suspense film, “Don’t Breathe.”  A trio of Detroit dirtbags (I know, I’m redundant when I say that) enjoy breaking into people’s homes and pilfering valuables.  Out of the gates, I had a problem with these establishing scenes because they’re the sloppiest criminals.  The lead actress lays in the bed of the house they break into.  Sure, leave a few hair strands as evidence so you can get picked up by the cops in 3 days, that’s logical thinking.  Didn’t any of these kids see “the Town” where they shower and buzz their hair?  Or “The Departed” where Marky Mark shows up to kill Matt Damon in scrubs from head to toe?  It’s obvious no one will ever recruit people from Detroit to be in MENSA.  The guys also walk around with reckless abandon and in reality, this film should’ve been 13 minutes long.

Barring those gaping holes in the believability factor, this film does get better.  The gang gets word that a blind, Gulf War veteran is sitting on 300k in cash he got from a payout when his daughter was accidentally killed.  They break in to rob the place and of course, things don’t go as planned.  I guess the rule of thumb is never underestimate a blind guy who’s been trained by the military…except Ben Affleck’s Daredevil, the story of a blind superhero.  True story, Mike? (Insert Mike and the Mad Dog reference?  Check.)  A few twists and turns, a few buttonhole puckering scenes, and the obligatory smash cuts with loud sound effects to make you jump take place,  and you’re out of the theater in 95 minutes.

This film was fine as well.  Can you watch it on netflix and feel just as satiated, no question.  But it was at least more original than the dogshit reboots we’ve seen.  It’s enjoyable and again, between this or Madea (Or as I call her, Black Tootsie), this is a no brainer.

I give it a 7 out of 10.

Ten Commandments of Wearing Jerseys to Sporting Events

fat-packer-fan

My father was NOT into sports AT ALL.  He could give 2 shits about who wins the World Series, Superbowl, but he always had a financial rooting interest in the Bud Bowls.  My brother and I got into sports and once a year, my father would take us to a Yanks or Mets game.  We would alternate years where we would go to the scary Bronx or Chop Shop Central Queens.  I’m the ardent Yanks fan and my brother was a closeted homosexual Mets Fan.  We would have a “man day” where my dad would get some solid field level seats and then we would eat garbage food that was 5 times the value of the tickets.  Thankfully, our metabolisms could’ve been bottled and sold to aspiring models/singers and we would’ve been multimillionaires.  Instead, I’m writing a dopey blog on a Saturday afternoon while my 1 year old daughter takes a nap.  I’m hoping I finish this article AND can squeeze in a trip to the gym before she wakes.  Hello time management, goodbye reckless boozing and womanizing.  Unless you have a shitload of money and pay off your wife with gaudy shopping trips to look the other way while you philander; welcome to married life, boys!

 

I still enjoy going to games for the camaraderie, catching up with buddies over a few cocktails, and watching the games from different angles.  But after going to many games over the years, I’m mystified that some people just don’t have any proper jersey decorum.  Like I said before, my dad doesn’t give a shit about sports but somehow, I learned through life what is the proper attire and how to wear it at the games.  So don’t blame this on being having a single mother in your household.  And if you are “that guy,” pay for your buddy to get an uber so he can come over and slap you repeatedly in the face.  Yes, I get it.  This is a first world problem and people who aren’t into sports could give 2 shits.  But god forbid if you don’t remember what Rachel from Friends favorite color is.

  1. Thou shall not be the douchebag who insists on wearing a full uniform of a team that isn’t even playing at the game you’re attending.  You want to wear your team’s hat so you can rep your team, fine.  But to wear head to toe apparel like you think you’re playing left field and batting 5th?  I was at a Yankees/A’s game and 4 dildos from Philly are wearing head to toe Philthies gear.  I asked them why are they wearing Salvation Army clothing to a Yankees game.  They said, “We have to represent our team.”  I told them that their awful Philly accents represents them just fine.  You’re a clown and just there to stir up a shit storm.  You fully deserve it when you get pelted with synthetic nacho cheese, leftover garlic fries, and a lukewarm $12 Budweiser.  
  2. Thou shall not be the cheap fuck who wears an obvious sponsored giveaway jersey to multiple games.  If you’re coming from the office and want to throw on a shirt they give you which has Stop N Shop logos plastered all over it like it was a NASCAR race, fine.  But to wear that to every game?  Pony up the $100 bucks for a decent replica and fit in with everyone.  Otherwise, you’ll be subjected to people like me yelling, “Hey Stop n Shop, cleanup in aisle 8!”
  3. Thou shall not be the relatively cheap fuck who wears a player’s jersey who turned out to be an absolute abortion.  The turnaround time to get rid of that jersey is 3 years.  I have a buddy who still wore his Kevin Boss (mediocre TE for the NY Giants) for YEARS after he retired/forced out/blows his brains out under an overpass in 15 years from CTE.  Look, I had a Jason Sehorn jersey (white CB for the Giants that A) was awesome till he blew his knee out returning a kickoff in a fucking preseason game and B) married that piece of ass, Angie Harmon) but I got rid of it when he was chasing wide receivers and his pants were falling to his ankles.  I smartly jumped on the Eli Manning bandwagon the second he got drafted.  Figured I’d go all in on the eventual franchise QB.  And if you have guys who obviously were hall of famers or solid contributors, by all means keep wearing them.   But if you buy someone that’s a rookie that didn’t pan out or a free agent that did his best work on another team and came to your team as a last resort (Jerry Rice on the Raiders, Ray Borque on the Avalanche), cut that shit out.
  4. Thou shall not be the, “My wife/kids bought this jersey for me” guy.  I’m talking about people who put #1 Dad or your last name on the back of their jerseys.  No, you’re not the number 1 dad in the world.  That’s because that title is held by Ferris Bueller’s dad.  Checked on his kid while he was sick, bought him a computer and his sister a car, and came home at 6 sharp as promised.  And if your wife or kids really knew and loved you, they would know that makes you look stupid and they would put your favorite player on the back of the jersey.  If my daughter wanted to get me a second Yankees jersey, my wife would tell her that it’s going to be a Jeter or Mariano, Not #1 Daddy.  Or putting your own name on the back of that jersey.  This isn’t t-ball, you child.  You didn’t play a down or throw a single pitch in the majors.  What you’ve done is given everyone within a 3 section radius to fuck with you for the ENTIRE game. Do you really want to hear, “Hey Sanderson, your sister had corn last night for dinner!  Just thought you should know!” Cut that shit out.
  5. Thou shall not be a Yankee fan that wears a jersey with a players name on the back.  We’re the only one that doesn’t do names on the back in the name of tradition.  Again, spend the extra bucks and get a real jersey.  You look dopey, cut that shit out.
  6. Thou shall stop it with the gimmick jerseys.  These teams milk the shit out of us as it is.  You’re going to get a camouflage home jersey because it’s the newest and you have to get it? You look like a child soldier in Sierra Leone with that jersey and those jean shorts.  Those awful neon colored jersey?  This isn’t Miami circa 1984, cut that shit out. 
  7. Thall shall stop it with the film character names on the back of jerseys.  I’m talking to you Costanza on the back of a Yankees jersey, Hansen on a Chiefs jersey, or Griswold on the back of a Blackhawks jersey.  We get it, you’re a Seinfeld, Slap Shot,  or a Vacation fan.  That’s not even a deep cut reference that can really be appreciated.  willie beamen. Now that’s at least a little off the beaten path.
  8. Thou shall not be the dickbag that wears a hat or jersey and when asked about said clothing, “Oh, I’m not a fan of the team, I just like the colors.”  Aww, how cute Ralph Lauren.  You’re making sure you’re avoiding the fashion police at a ball game.  This is the one place no one is judging people’s style.  Hell, the Eagles fans made Zubazz pants popular in that city inhabited by mouth breathers.  You don’t need to be on the cover of GQ while you eat a dirty water hot dog and suck down a $12 bud light.  Both of which I don’t consume because they’re gross. I eat before I go to the game because I refuse to pay top dollar for bottom feeding food.
  9. Thou shall not be a cheap bastard that takes masking tape and writes a current players name on the jersey of a shitty player with the same number.  
  10. And finally, thou shall not be that guy that tucks his jersey into his pants.  Hey Steve Urkel, let loose.  You’re at a game, not a board meeting, so relax.

When Kevin isn’t belittling someone for breaking one of these social mores, he’s playing with his daughter, telling jokes in NYC (Book him at Kgootee23@gmail.com), or working on his show: Comics Watching Comics (www.comicswatchingcomics.com)

NFL Week 4 picks

Went to the Giants game last week so didn’t get my article up in time.  Lost the under on the ATL/NO game, hit the Vikings under, lost the Bucs, hit the Packers, lost the Steelers, hit KC, and lost the Texans so that makes me 3-4 for the week.

Took the Bengals on Thursday night and hit that.  Took Jax over this morning and hit that so 2-0 to star this week!

Let’s talk picks:

I love Houston this week after getting smoked in Foxboro last week.  No JJ Watt, I hear you.  Texans had 10 days to prep, they’re at home, and the Titans can’t hold onto the ball.  The line is going the other way, opened at 6.5, now down to 4?  Jumped on Hou today and hopefully will benefit from that line swing.

The Jets got EMBARRASSED last week and I rightfully put my $ on KC.  The Jets are home, Seattle is playing in NY at 1pm, and the Jets are getting a point.  The Jets have a sick D and Russell Wilson is hobbled.  I think the Jets answer the bell so take the Jets +1.

Carolina was demoralized by the Vikings (I bet the Vikes under for wins this year, I’m in trouble.)  Carolina is now in ATL who outscored the Saints in a shootout.  No way the Falcons put points up against that defense.  I just don’t see Carolina going to 1-3 and the line is only -3.  Take the Panthers and lay the FG.

I may take the Saints +3.5 in SD later, depending how do I today.  I mean, they’re bad but are they 0-4 bad?  Both defenses are terrible and I see Brees rallying the troops today.

NFL Week 2 picks

Sorry we missed each other last week.  I was in Vegas, drinking too much and pissing away money at the blackjack table.

blackjack-table

I did get to do a spot at the Southpoint Casino last Friday night for the Dirty at 12:30 show.  Check out that show, had a blast doing it.

Last week, I went 2-3 with the picks.  The fucking Panthers took the foot off the gas and screwed me but then again, the Raiders came to save my bacon with that 2 point conversion.  This week, I already hit with the Jets +1 in Buffalo.  I knew the Jets had to beat Rex some time and Gang Green scorched Rex’s defense so good on me.  Ok, here are the picks:

New England barely beat Arizona in Zona.  Miami almost won in Seattle.  Is Tom Brady back yet?  Nope.  Is Gronkowski even at 75% yet?  Nope.  6.5 is too many points for a non-Brady led Patriots and the Dolphins D made Wilson look silly last week.  What do you think they’re going to do to a rookie QB?  Line opened at -4.5 and it’s now gone up 2 points this week.  People are going to get this one wrong or they locked in at the right time.  Pats will win but not cover.

I’m taking the Fish +6.5

TB has a new coach and a new attitude, just like Patti Labelle.  Only reason I threw out a Patty Labelle reference is because I just got some of Beverly Hills Cop on TV.  Tampa just made the Atlanta D look silly while on the road.  AZ defense is better but here’s my thing: Vegas always takes a couple of weeks to get a read on the teams better and what does that mean for us?  Higher points for underdogs!  7 is too many to take AZ but they’ll win nonetheless.

I’m taking the Bucs +7 unless the line drops below 7.  Then I take Zona.

Call me a homer but don’t call me daughter.  Pearl Jam reference, check.  Although I find Pearl Jam to be a bit overrated.  Their last 3 albums, not so great.  And I dare you to make it through, “Ten” without skipping some of the heavier played songs like Jeremy or Evenflow.  They don’t stand the test of time, sorry.  Anyway, I took the Giants last week in Vegas because 4 straight season opener losses HAD to stop and especially against a rookie QB.  Eli looked great and that INT was on Sheppard as he didn’t run a proper route.  Running game needs work.  But they’re playing the Saints who were COMPLETELY eviscerated by the Raiders last week AT NEW ORLEANS. The Saints are good ATS on the road, 5-1.  And I’ll be at Giants stadium tomorrow, watching my boys put up an aerial attack like Carr’s crew did last week.  If you have ANYONE on the Giants for fantasy football, start them.  I have OBJ and Cruz in some of my leagues and like Bart Scott said, “CAN’T WAIT!”  Rain is in the forecast but not until after the game. I don’t care the over has moved up 2 points, both teams combined by 101 points last year and I don’t see them having a defensive battle.  But taking the Giants is ALWAYS risky so…

I’m taking the Giants over 53.5

The Jacksonville Jaguars came DAMN close to beating GB last week.  The Chargers shit the bed in a profound fashion last week.  That’s the recipe for a major Chargers turnaround, right? Wrong.  Keenan Allan blew his knew out.  And the Jax D is VASTLY improved.  No Ivory last or this week but Yeldon stepped in nicely.  Right now, the line is SD-3 and I think Jax wins this outright.  But if not, they’ll have a 3 pt cushion.

I’m taking Jax +3

Heartbreak in Indianapolis last week.  That’s what I would say if I was a single man living there, yeesh.  The average girl is about 25 lbs overweight and probably gives a lazy BJ in that town.

anistonBut if you saw that game, Lions drove the field and won it with a last second FG.  Denver did beat Carolina at home but not by much.  That offense hasn’t clicked yet with a rookie QB and now I’m getting 6 or 7 points with a pissed off Andrew Luck?  That’s like asking would I like bacon with that?  Denver may win but they sure aren’t winning by more than a TD.

I’m taking the Colts +7

I’m a little leery now of this one because the line swung 3 points the way I want to go but goddamnit, the Browns are back with McCown as QB.  RG Knee (as my buddy Walt calls them) is done and I bought into the browns last week against Philly, whoops!  I know Bal is on the road but man, a backup QB in his first game of the year?  The line is now at -6 but if this goes to 7, I’m not touching it.

I MAY take Baltimore but only if it’s below -7

GB almost lost to Jax on the road last week.  I haven’t seen a discount double check commercial this year, yet.  What do both have in common?  Not a fucking thing, welcome to the mind of someone with VICIOUS ADD.  I don’t care Minnesota is christening a brand new stadium.  Blair (Horrible first name for a guy, I would’ve changed it immediately) Walsh shanked a couple AND a PAT last week.  That Titans game should have been a lot worse than it was.  Minnesota is missing 2 starters on D AND Sam Bradford is back in at QB?  I don’t care that Minn is 8-0 ATS in their last 8 games, the line is GB-2.5??  Please, Aaron Rodgers answers the bell against division rivals and will look to spoil the ribbon cutting up in Minn

I’m taking GB -2.5

The revenge factor: ALWAYS factor that in when making bets.  KC pretended like Houston was a drunk sorority pledge last year in the playoffs by completely having their way with them.  Last week, SD completely collapsed with the KC charge led by Alex Smith.  That’s right, Alex Smith.  The guy the NAWWWNERS (Francesa reference, check!) took over Aaron Rodgers.  Is Alex Smith going to come back and shit on Houston’s chest again in their own building?  Nope.  KC defense got gashed early and often.  If Melvin Gordon (I’d rather have Flash Gordon or Commissioner Gordon) can run roughshod against the Chiefs, Lamar Miller can easily manhandle this D.  The Texans circled this game twice in red pen and the spread is only -1 or -1.5?  I think Vegas thinks the Chiefs are better than they are.  No matter, that makes this pick MUCH easier for me.

I’m taking Hou -1.5

Stone Cold Lock of the week  Simpsons reference? Check! images

My buddies and I every year pick a team and go over or under for total wins for the year.  This year, we took Oakland and hit the first game of the year in a wacky fashion.  I said it before and I’ll say it again, Oakland can very well win division.  We need them to win 9 or more games and it’s a freeeeee steak dinner at a top joint in NYC.  So the Falcons D gets buttfucked at home by the Bucs.  Now they’re flying 3000 miles west against a team that buttfucked the Saints defense?  The Falcons are garbage, ESPECIALLY on the road.  Line is -4.5 and I think that’s a bargain.  Derek Carr and Amari Cooper are on some of my fantasy teams and boy, this is gonna be a blowout.

I LOVE the Raiders -4.5 and MAY take the over at 48.  Raiders are the lock of the week

Bonus pick:

I won’t take this one unless it goes to over 7 but if you’re feeling saucy, take the Rams +6.5 over Seattle.  Did you see the Hawks game?  Looked like they were playing with a slow internet connection.  Rams home opener with a banged up Wilson?  Man, this could be the shock of the week.  I think they can definitely hang tight and if it goes to 7 OR if I hit a ton of 1pm games, I just may

Take the Rams +6.5

Season record 2-3

This week: Jets +1, 1-0

 

 

Fantasy football draft #3 recap

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Last one folks, hope you’ve enjoyed my analyses on my picks and you’ve taken a nugget or 3 for your own drafts.  My final draft occurred on 8/25

Team name: I say NAAAWWWNE, ok?  Back afta dis….

So if you’re not into NY sports talk radio, you won’t know that’s a Mike Francesa reference.  Or you make think that’s a Sour Shoes reference in which it can be but know that he’s goofing on Fatcesa.  TURN MY MIC AWN!

And in this draft, I had pick #1.  I fucking hate pick number 1 unless it’s a year where you have a NO-BRAINER #1 pick.  I’m talking Ladanian  Tomlinson, Marshall Faulk, or Jerry Rice, or Barry Sanders in their prime. Because there are multiple ways to fuck this pick up and you will make yourself sick trying NOT to screw it up.  And you are waiting a LONG time in between picks so you are forced to sometimes to take a player that you wanted to wait on just a little while later but know that there’s no way they’re coming back.  Or there may be a run on RBs or WRs and you feel the pressure to plug a spot.

1st Pick: I doubled down on Antonio Brown again because he’s the closest thing to one of those “no doubt” number ones.

2nd pick: LeSean McCoy: He owes me a season after his last mess with the Eagles.  And as I mentioned above, there was a run on RBs so I felt I had to grab one now or get stuck with a Jeremy Langford/Frank Gore as a number 1 RB.  He should bounce back and no more Karlos Williams to steal carries.  A healthy Tyrod Taylor and Sammy Watkins will make this a pretty nice offense.

3rd pick: Keenan Allen: I could’ve tripled down on Amari Cooper but I’m leery of going in all in with a player in all 3 leagues.  That guy gets injured and ka-plooey!  Even though he’s only my #2 WR, I still didn’t want to gamble.  Besides, Allen and Cooper are 6 and 1/2 dozen.  Allen was CRUSHING it until he got a shot to the kidneys.  He’ll be back with similar or even better numbers.

4th pick: Jarvis Landry: Couldn’t believe my eyes when this beaut fell into my lap.  And there were some questionable picks this round: CJ Anderson (who never lives up to expectations) Eric Decker (too early for him) and Matt Forte (also a little early for an injury risk compounded with a crowded backfield).  This makes it yet again, a SICK WR trio for my teams.  He and OBJ have a bet to see who gets more yds and tds so that will definitely play into my favor…

5th pick: Jordan Reed: Also couldn’t believe my eyes that this guy was available.  Experts had him going late 2nd-early 3rd.  At the beginning of the 5th, I got INSANE value for him.

6th pick: Chris Ivory: You know why he’s on Jax?  Because TJ Yeldon sucked.  You know who’s already starting preseason games? Chris Ivory.  And it’s not going to be 21-0 at the end of the first for Jax anymore, they’ve shored up their defense.  So that means more running and not as much passing for the Pan Handle faithful…

7th pick: Ameer Abdullah: He must get harassed by TSA quite often with a name like that…Rough rookie year, fumbled all over the joint and was left behind.  He’s starting this year again and let’s see if he holds onto the ball.  Experts say 7th round was the right time so I pulled the trigger. Besides, he’s my #3 RB or flex so I’m not married to him by any stretch.

8th pick: Tom Brady: Yet again, the 8th round I get him and yet again, I get value for him.  It’s going to pain me to root for a Patriot but remember: Cash moves everything around me, CREAM! Get the money, dolla dolla bill, y’all.  I was looking to get Sterling Shepard this round but I got snaked 3 picks in front of me by a buddy who is a Giants fan.

9th pick: Torrey Smith: Yes, Colin Kapernick is his QB but shit, he’s the #1 WR on this team.  And he’s my 4th WR, not married to him by any stretch.  And I think Kapernick can’t sink any lower so it’s going to translate nicely for Smith.

10th pick: Devin Funchess: I think I reached just a little bit for him but my 2 picks I had queued up were snaked by the 2 guys drafting in front of me.  I wanted Tajae Sharpe and/or Devontate Booker but like Grandmaster Flash said, “These…are…the breaks!”  I think Funchess can be a nice #2 on that team but not married to this guy either.

11th pick: Bilal Powell: Matt Forte must have Obamacare as his insurance cause he can’t stay healthy.  Bilal Powell is the next man up so….

12th pick: Joe Flacco: I wanted Tyler Boyd but he got snaked 2 picks before me.  And Mariota went 4 before me, another guy in my queue.  My backup QB and I know, he’s inconsistent as they come.  Here are his first 4 games while Brady sits out for me: Home against Buffalo (decent D) @Cleveland (not scaring me one bit) @Jax (They’re better but let me know when they get there) Home against Oak (That D hasn’t been good in 15 years) And during Brady’s bye week, they face the Steelers.  That game is either going to be 9-3 or they’re lighting up the scoreboard.  One week, he’ll throw for 350 and 4 tds.  The following week, he’ll throw for 125 yds and 4 picks.  Just need him for a short time, not the whole year…

13th pick: DeAndre Washington: Does Latavius Murray scare anyone?  (looking around) Nope, didn’t think so.  So I’ll grab the guy that LM’s owner SHOULD’VE grabbed sooner

14th pick: Victor Cruuuuuuuuz.  I had to have at least one Giant and had no problem taking a flier on my guy who salsa’ed his way into everyone’s heart. If he’s healthy and I know, that’s a big IF but he’s practiced all week, that offense will be fucking solid with OBJ, Shepard, and CRUUUUUZ.

15th pick: Mason Crosby:  Fucked up and clicked the wrong guy in this spot.  Broke my own rule!  That cost me Will Fuller…

16th pick: Javorius Allan: Guess who had Justin Forsett last year?  Guess who won’t get fooled again?  NOT THAT I’M BITTER HAVING WASTED A 3RD RD PICK ON HIM.  Well, I’ve learned my lesson.

17th pick: Rams D.  They’re ball hawks despite losing Jenkins to my Giants.  And if they suck, who cares?  It’s a defense and they’re a dime a dozen.  No one with brains wastes a pick above 2nd to last unless it’s the 85 bears, 00 Ravens, or the ’14 Seahawks.