Category: film reviews

Film review: Scream 5

You may ask why the hell would I see the 5th installment of a horror franchise. And you’re right to question that unless you’re an ardent fan of the Fast and Furious franchise. This is a hard review to do without spoilers so bare with me. So here we are: back in Woodsboro and someone starts stabbing kids and it’s a fresh flock of kids, no regular characters to be seen. Sydney, Dewey, and Gail are al doing their own things and of course, get dragged in by a pretty good plot. BTW, I like how they brought back a couple of minor characters from 3 and 4 and nicely tied it to the story. A few small nods to the other films so if you do a rewatch of the previous ones, you’ll catch them. Once they introduce why these kids are being killed and what relationship they have to the OG characters, you’ll tip your hat to a pretty decent idea. Here’s something else that stood out to me, the cinematography…different shots and viewpoints that provide more gravity to the situation. This film also tries getting you to “jump offsides” a lot and by that I mean, try and trick you into thinking that a scare is about to happen. And one of the OG trio finally meets their match and if you didn’t see it coming a mile away when they do, shame on you. It was a huge, “THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN MOMENT” for me.

Let’s take a break in the action and talk about how the mighty have fallen. Courteney Cox, who caught this reviewer’s eye in Ace Ventura, needs to go to the Hague and apply as a victim of a crime against humanity…her plastic surgery. The only thing missing was her looking at a mirror, breaking it against a cart, and laughing maniacally. She had work done for Scream 4 and it was obvious but not overbearingly bad. Now, it’s like a 5 year old with a marker, going all willy nilly and shit. If you were to go back in time and tell 1996 Kevin that Neve Campbell was going to age better than Courteney Cox, I would’ve pushed my bangs aside and choked you with my American Eagle necklace.

The third act really picks up and maintains at a solid pace. A bunch of familiar settings and dialogue but with new twists on it that pay off quite nicely. Obviously, when the reveals are made is when the verdict is in. Does it cash in or are you staring at the screen like they’re forcing you to eat a shit sandwich? Overall, it paid off for me. I mostly bought the logic behind wanting to kill the new batch, despite some of it being recycled. And of course, you have to swallow your tongue during the final battle with a final, “THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN.” Here is a problem I have with this film and other horror films: When one of the characters is being attacked and there are allies present for the attacked, RARELY anyone jumps in. Ghostface and a good guy are wrestling and there’s a gun or knife nearby the fracas. But no one makes a mad dash for the weapon to either kill Ghostface or get the weapon to their friend? And as many times as it’s alluded to in previous Scream films, no one EVER aims for the head, always the chest? I will say I partially guessed the killer combo but didn’t nail the reasons why. This achieved a better meta theme it sought more than part 4 aspired. And that’s a common theme in this film. Right now, the audience and critics both agree this is well above average and they’re right.

I did enjoy this and now I can definitively say that the Scream franchise has a pattern: the odd numbered Screams are good, the even numbered ones are not. Rank them? Sure. 1, 5, 3, 2, 4

7/10

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No Time to Die review SPOILER FREE James Bond 10/8/15

Here we are, the final Daniel Craig James Bond film. What’s the verdict? Slow down, junior! You just can’t whip your dick out when you go to pick her up at her house for the first date. Let’s get re-establish a base theory: Every other Bond film is good for the last 25 years: Goldeneye, good. Tomorrow Never Dies, meh. The World is Not Enough, bad. Die Another Day, bad. Casino Royale, great. Quantum of Solace, bad. Skyfall, great. Spectre, awful. So the law (specifically Craig) dictates this one would be a good one. But to be honest, the previews didn’t excite me as they looked just standard and felt this would be mailed in for Craig’s final appearance. Mix that in with the rumors of this being a “woke” Bond film and I was really, really worried. So let’s start off with this: let’s give kudos to MGM studios. I can’t remember the last time a marketing department didn’t vomit the best lines/action scenes in a trailer. Because there is a TON of stuff that they kept under wraps, specifically characters and a couple story arcs. Usually, a studio would drop a MAJOR twist in the story (unless it was THE twist) in the trailer but thankfully, not in this case. Bond is retired and of course, gets roped back in to help stop a terrorist from releasing a targeted biochemical weapon. We’ve seen this before how many times but not in this fashion. Again, no spoilers.

First off, this has to be the most layered Bond film ever. There is a TON (in a good way) of character relationship and intertwining of past story lines that make you say, “oh shit!” Usually, we get the, “bad guy/girl gets a hold of a weapon and Bond has sex with a few ladies that may or may not help in stopping said terrorist while drinking a martini/Heineken and spouting off a few pithy quips.” We get that in this installment but again, they go much deeper with the story and it WORKS. And the opening action scene that leads into the film theme song, a Bond staple. No Time to Die has the longest opening action sequence of any Bond film and holy shit, it’s solid. You also get a major reveal in the first 5-10 minutes so just like a porno, you’re off the the races without the bullshit “can you help me get my titty out of the faucet?” Just mainlined action right to your neural synapses.

Rami Mallek (Freddie Mercury without the awful dentures) plays a solid villain. Not as great as Skyfall and Casino Royale’s villains but solid nonetheless. He’s the son of a murdered father who seeks revenge but this played out angle played great in this film. And wow, do they make some BALLSY choices in this film. The good news: those choices worked for me. The action is fantastic and maintains at a high pace throughout. But here’s a problem I had which may cause you to say, “Dude, that’s EVERY Bond film.” In this film, Bond has a bomb blow up 3 feet in front of him. And he’s dirtied up but not dead. Later on, he has a bunch of grenades dropped down a stairwell less than an arms length away from him. Minor damage. The aim of the bad guys in this film is worse than any Storm Trooper or soldier in Commando. I know, suspend disbelief but after awhile, it really smashes you in the face.

Let’s address the woke rumor now. There’s a scene where Bond is changing into a tux and Ana De Armas (Knives Out and former Ben Affleck fuck buddy) is transfixed with Bond as she’s a brand new agent. He asks her to turn around while he changes. People are saying, “old James Bond would’ve banged her and/or dropped a cutesy poo line, this is bullshit.” I would’ve agreed with you but when you see this in the context of the scene (they’re going to an enemy gathering so time is of the essence) and as the great Short Round from Temple of Doom would’ve said, “No time for love!” Other than that, no woke stuff here that I picked up on.

Obviously, they begin to integrate the new 007 throughout the film (remember, Bond retired) and the verdict is she’s….fine. She has some decent action scenes, doesn’t try too hard, and plays it well. Will I go see a Bond movie starring her? I don’t know, I’ll need to see a trailer or 2. But it’s going to take a LOT for me to make the shift from an iconic franchise character over 60 years old.

This film is LONG for a Bond film, 2 hrs and 40 minutes. It does drag a bit at the end, they could’ve shaved 10-15 minutes off this puppy. But the action and storyline make this film MOVE for the first 2 hrs plus, really top notch storyline and twists. I just saw a review that said this film is too much James Bond. Well you dumb dildo, it’s a JAMES BOND FILM. Did this queefy bag of wind see an Indiana Jones film and said, “you know…too much Indy for my taste, thumbs down.” Here’s why you should never stop hating these blowhard critics. And it’s Craig’s last film, for Chrissakes! OF COURSE HE’S GOING TO GET MORE SCREENTIME THAN ANYONE ELSE. And Craig brings it in the action department as well as sides you rarely saw out of his Bond: pathos, attachment, and regret. And this film gets you with a ton of different emotions but the ones that hit me the hardest: awe for what a great job Craig did as Bond and sadness as this is the end of his Bond. NTTD FIRMLY entrenches Craig as the 2nd best Bond of all time, Connery obviously #1. This film is amazing and you better see it before the key spoilers get into the ether. This ranks in my top 10 Bond films, list below:

7.5/10

Top 10 Bond films for KG (in no order)

  1. 1. Thunderball
  2. 2. Dr. No
  3. 3. Goldfinger
  4. 4. Casino Royale
  5. 5. Skyfall
  6. 6. No Time to Die
  7. 7. Goldeneye
  8. 8. From Russia with Love
  9. 9. The Man with the Golden Gun
  10. 10. Her Majesty’s Secret Service
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The Many Saints of Newark review 10/1/21 A Sopranos story

Nostalgia…the most weaponized feeling that movie companies use to lure us in by to getting you to pay $15 and then for overpriced and under quality food items. Although TERRIBLE for you to eat, AMC’s pretzel bites in chemical created nacho cheese are a thing of beauty that a white trash Michaelangelo would marvel upon this with a look of bemusement and jealousy that he didn’t create it. And when we all read that they were doing a Sopranos prequel, that sent MAJOR shivers up our collective buttholes. And when we saw Michael Gandolfini was playing a young Tony, we gave a collective eyebrow arch but said, “let’s see what the kid has” to reserve judgement upon viewing. The first preview was pretty cool and if seeing Vera Farmiga do a fantastic Livia Soprano didn’t move the needle for you, you weren’t really a true Sopranos fan. Not many films are circled on my calendar this year but this along with Bond, Halloween, Spiderman, and Jackass (goddamn you, Paramount…moving that to February as well as Mission Impossible and Top Gun to next year.) Fast forward to yesterday where my wife DEMANDED that I wait to watch this with her. So we began the story of Dickie Multisanti (Christopher’s dad and Michael Imperioli does narrate in the film) and his family. It takes place during the race riots of Newark which used to be predominantly Italian. Dickie is a mid level criminal whose father (Ray Liotta) runs crime in said town while his young nephew, Tony Soprano, hangs on his every word and action. We see a lot of the old gang: Lydia Soprano (Vera Farmiga KILLS this role), Junior (Corey Stoll doing a solid job and with a callback catchphrase that will make you smile) Big Pussy, Silvio, Paulie Walnuts (but not enough for my liking), even Carmela and a baby Christopher.

The biggest problem is the plot; a lot of it are a collection of “who gives a shit scenes.” We were led to believe the riots were a focal point but they are not and that’s too bad. I truly wanted to learn more about them but they were just an afterthought with little impact. Another problem is you get tastes of the characters we all love but this is truly Dickie Multisanti’s story (Alessandro Nivola). I’ll wager the other fans wanted to see more intermingling with Silvio, Paulie, Jackie Aprielle, Hesh, Pussy, etc. Vera Farmiga had a couple of solid scenes with Tony including but again, we all wanted to see more and how she mentally fucks up Tony that forces him to see Dr. Melfie. One of the most impactful scenes is where Livia meets with Tony’s guidance counselor where learn more about Tony’s wiring as well as his feelings for his mother. So what else do we get? Ray Liotta playing Dickie’s dad, Hollywood Dickie. And through the oddest turn of events, we find out that Hollywood had a twin brother. Yeah, I was shaking my head in a slow, WTF fashion.

This story draaaaaags. A. LOT. I just didn’t care about a lot of the goings on. Leslie Odom plays a numbers runner for Dickie and sets up a for a possible confrontation down the road for a Black mafia/Italian mafia showdown. But the scenes he had as well as some of the black mafia stuff had me saying, “who gives a shit?” Wayyy too much time spent on something that I felt was inconsequential to the story at hand. We didn’t get enough of Johnny Boy Soprano (Tony’s dad) as he went to jail in the film but think it would’ve been more fun to see him in the family dynamic. And the guy who played Silvio, awful. I mean, bottom shelf well vodka AWFUL. I feet the scenes where Tony does bad stuff were disingenuous, like it was being forced. What else is awful? Dickie kills someone and sets his body on fire that looked about as real as special effects in the 1994 Fantastic Four movie. Go give that a googs; it redefines the meaning for “awful.” It looked as real as Robert DeNiro curb stomping that guy in the Irishman with the speed of a 3 toed sloth. SPOILER ALERT: Dickie gets killed and the motive is quite opaque. Was it because of a personal offense, was it for a power struggle? Another cliff hanger by David Chase, put it on the boarrrrd, YES! And a lot of the foreshadowing is as subtle as a kick to the nuts. Yes, Tony visits Holsten’s (where he gets shot) in the final episode several times. No, they don’t play the Journey song as that obviously wouldn’t have fit the timeframe when the song came out vs where we were in the movie. You get a couple of quotes from the show that will make you smile as I said before but they were repeated often enough which must have made the audience say, “we get it, you’re nodding to the show.”

I’d love to hear from non-Sopranos fans thoughts are on this as a pair of completely neutral eyes would have a much more interesting take. And when you watch this film, tell me that this sound mix is wayyyyy off. When they play music, it BLASTED through the speakers. When it’s just dialogue, you have to pump up the volume 7 notches. In summary, this really felt hastily thrown together. Vera Farmiga steals the show, Alessandro Nivola is solid, Michael Gandolfini is ok, and Corey Stoll was good. I was really disappointed as was my wife. And from what I’ve seen on my social media timeline, the people HATED this film. Just 2 people defended this film and the critics have their heads up their asses on this one as well, 74% on Rotten Tomatoes. You’re going to want to watch this film out of curiosity and I don’t blame you. But I’d set me expectations lower than a fallen G-string at the Bada Bing.

4/10

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Coming 2 America Film review 3/5/21

When you’re right, you’re right.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; this should’ve been my senior thesis instead of God knows what nonsense I half hungover typed one May morning in 1999. I was hoping that it would be good enough just so I could gradate and hurry into corporate America. You know, the world you’re usually underpaid and then cast aside as if you were a snot-filled Kleenex if the CEO is going to make 50 cents less in their bonus. My senior thesis should’ve been: “Movie sequels that A) are released more than a decade after the original and B) go from an R to PG-13 RARELY work.” The LONE exception I can think of is Die Hard 4. Yeah, the one with Timothy Olyphant as the cyber terrorist in DC. I liked it, didn’t hate it, like some of you did. It’s FINE, not near as good as 1 or 3. But I dare you, find me a sequel that fits those criteria and I’ll shout you out on the Gutting the Sacred Cow podcast (https://guttingthesacredcow.com/where-to-listen-see-us/).

So here we are, Coming 2 America day on Amazon Prime which seemed to excite the masses like Borat 2, another Amazon studios release. 1988 was when the original was released, 2021 is when the sequel dropped and it’s rated PG-13 so that’s 0-2 in my criteria department. Let’s catch you up to speed: Prince Akeem is married with several daughters but James Earl Jones tells him he’s near death and that the Prince will become King. However, he needs to find an heir to the throne, post haste, because Akeem doesn’t have the strength to be a king and will be assassinated. So Akeem learns he has a bastard son in Queens from his first voyage with Arsenio Hall. And instead of flying commercial like he did in the first film, they use the royal jet to fly back to Queens and coach him up to be a prince. And of course, his wacky uncle, Tracy Morgan, and mother, Leslie Jones, provide for the comedy.

We’re not breaking down the entire “plot” so let’s skip to the review. Positives: looks like Amazon has deep pockets if they were able to lure the actors from the first film to do the sequel. I’m kidding, most of them were probably (I didn’t google to see what the actors are up to, I have to get to the gym in 30 minutes.) Because damn near EVERYONE was available to appear in the sequel. The ONLY people that weren’t in this were the Queens landlord, Lisa’s sister and Soul Glo’s heir apparent, Eriq LaSalle. But EVERY OTHER CHARACTER is in this film. And kudos to Shari Headley (Lisa), she’s aged magnificently.

How funny is this film? I lol’ed a lot…every time one of these tertiary characters appeared in the sequel…as in, HA, holy shit! XYZ person/character is also in this? But laughs that were organic via the script or performance, very…very few. And I’ll wager that if/when you watch it, you’re laughing at the same things these characters did in the first film THAT THEY’RE DOING IN THE SEQUEL. I mean, they took HUGE bath in the nostalgia pool and are counting on you to laugh at the same jokes. The jokes are honest to god lazy. Leslie Jones was the bright spot in this film but on the other hand, Tracy Morgan wasn’t given much to work with. It felt like a waste of his talent on a “barely above generic level” for him. Jermaine Fowler is fine but the punchlines he’s given are just hacky. Example? Sure. He and Leslie Jones have two “uppity bitch says what?” moments. Yeah, that’s not cutting it in my house.

And here’s where PG-13 truly torpedoes this film. Eddie Murphy literally says, “Mother-Fer” You gotta be shitting me. Watching him say that instead of motherfucker is like watching my 5 year old choke down a vegetable she hates. The man made cursing an art form; like cursing in Italian or French, it had a romantic flair to it. Is that the only reason it’s not good? Of course not. But when you get out the good china and flatware like the first one and then remove the covers off of the plates to see you’re being served spaghetti O’s and dirty water dogs, it really takes away from the experience. And no, the royal bathers are not topless in this film. I know, a perk that the first one threw out there for fans of gratuitous nudity. Ahh, the late 80’s/90’s are sorely missed. Unless it’s an arthouse film, nudity today is frowned upon like farting in a packed elevator.

Lastly, they SHOEHORN the fuck out of some of these characters. The barbers come back, fine. But the scenarios Randy Watson and the preacher return…you just say aloud, “You gotta be fucking kidding me.” And I hate when a movie anchors itself solely to nostalgia and crosses their fingers that people aren’t noticing that the emperor is truly not wearing this clothes. Next, I’m not going to give you the, “Eddie Murphy has been dogshit since XYZ year.” Because “My Name is Dolemite” was amazing. And I bet Eddie can unearth some of the magic he had with other films. But that magic just went full blown Muggle in this film. And that’s the first and last Harry Potter reference you’ll hear from me. Thank god I had insanely low expectations for this film (be honest, those trailers didn’t do this ANY favors) and I’m not heartbroken as some of you may be.

3.5/10

You wonder as a baseline what did I think of the first Coming to America? Great question and you can hear it in next week’s GTSC podcast episode with Lauren Sivan who definitely did NOT like CTA.

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Movie review: Borat 2

Well, the big day is here for yours truly as Borat 2 dropped on Amazon Prime. I fired that thing up this morning and it does NOT disappoint. What’s new? Borat as a daughter he’s trying to gift to Mike Pence and other high ranking American officials as a form of penance for making Kazakstan the laughing stock after his first film. The first 20-30 minutes are wall-wall great jokes. I haven’t laughed this hard since I watched the Jets play football last Sunday. I’ve said before, Borat is the funniest film is in the last 15 years without questions. And the sequel does it justice, no doubt. But like the first one, the third act does run out of steam. And SBC definitely pulls punches a little when it comes to some of his material in the first film, i.e. the Jews and retarded people. BTW, I was sad there was no mention of his brother Bilo or his prostitute sister. I had hopes she would’ve moved to #3 or even #2 prostitute in K-stan by now but alas, no word.

He does open up both barrels for those on the (far) right as you might have suspected. And I guarantee the far right people are going to piss and moan but fuck ’em, funny is funny. His daughter has comedy chops and she’s fucking hysterical when she’s getting made over. And goddamn, the abortion clinic scene is hysterical. Don’t get your panties in a bunch, just watch the scene and you’ll see what I mean. I just wished I didn’t have to wait 14 years for a sequel. Let’s hope the 3rd comes in less time, if there is one.

Not as good as the first but still, pretty funny. 7 out of 10 and I’ll be rewatching this soon.

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Film Reviews: Bloodshot and the Hunt

God, NOTHING puts a smile on one’s face than going to a movie theater and seeing few or NO one in a theater.  Corona virus=empty movie theaters.  There was NO ONE in the theater for the Hunt with me.  And just 2 people besides be for Bloodshot, euphoria.  Since the NFL season is over and baseball is suspended, I might as well gamble on my health.  The early reviews on Bloodshot and the Hunt were good so I said, what the hell.  Time to douse my seat and popcorn in Purell and do a double dip.

bloodshot

Bloodshot starring Vin Diesel (The Pacifier and the Last Witch Hunter) as a Green Beret, gets killed with his wife, resurrected, and gets fitted with nanotechnology.  Guy Pearce (Count of Monte Cristo) plays the scientist in charge of bringing him and other fallen soldiers back with robotics and enhancements.  Vin’s hell bent on revenge for his wife as much as we’re seeking the same revenge for the last 3 Fast and Furious films.  Folks, they’re bad.  Just admit it.  Well guess what, Vin keeps doing a Groundhog Day of seeking his wife’s killer but with different people as the killer.

I’ll save you time for the reveal, GUY PEARCE IS NOT A GOOD GUY.  He keeps one of his henchwomen, (Elza Gonazalez, an absolute smoke show) attached to an electronic asphyxiating governor.  He keeps recreating the scenarios where Vin Diesel’s wife is killed via an internet web base wired into Diesel’s head.

Here are the problems with this film:

  1. The dialogue is beyond atrocious.  Lazy dick jokes that are more flaccid than Kevin Spacey watching Christina Hendricks jump on a trampoline.
  2. We’ve seen this film before: Universal Soldier, Robocop, Inspector Gadget, Short Circuit.  Just seeing if you’re paying attention.  How does this differentiate itself?  Great action sequences?  No.  Memorable characters?  Barely.  Anything unique in this plot than the other films mentioned?  Only Vin Diesel grunting and Grooting his way through this dirty needle landfill.
  3. I almost walked out of this.  Only reason I didn’t is how was I hoped the final battle would’ve been worth it.  Not only it wasn’t, it was a negative effect on me.  As in, I should’ve walked out before the end and I would’ve had a higher opinion of this film.

There are many other problems with this film but I don’t feel like getting into them here as this film deserves as little real estate in our minds or this column.  This film stinks.  The trailer sucked me in with promises of a different cyborg story but left me worse for wear.  The action was pedestrian, the script was horrendous, and the characters were downright awful.  Quarantine is a fate better than this; avoid this like a soccer stadium full of Corona virus sufferers.

Bloodshot gets a 1.5/10 and I don’t know why I still didn’t walk out.

the hunt

The Hunt is not about the WASP-y horse race in Far Hills, NJ but if it was, I would only hope it showed the guy with a baby arm who chased down a guy who swiped a bottle from our bar.  That was high comedy and a definitely, “you had to be there moment.”  The Hunt is about a group of liberal minded people kidnapping those who are conservatives.  That’s right, hunted.  As in released in an open field with a crate of weapons to chose from and then avoid bullets, arrows, land mines, and people trying to hoard toilet paper.  Get ready for a cast of  “Isn’t that the guy from It’s Always Sunny” and “Holy shit, Uncle Buck’s girlfriend really aged poorly or that’s a hell of a makeup job” and, “Wow, Hilary Swank has 2 Oscars but she needs the money THIS badly?”

I went into this with zero expectations and enjoyed it because of such.  This isn’t torture porn like Saw was nor does it have the intricacies that the first Saw film had.  It can be obviously predictable at times and a couple of minor yet fun twists with Crystal, a bad ass woman from Mississippi who may not be who people think she is.

The Hunt was pushed from last September to March because of political ramifications.  Why?  The already politically charged climate we live in may have been sent to a stratospheric level if this came out, loosely proposed by Trump’s camp.  After seeing this film, will it send those to round up people they disagree with to hunt down?  Hopefully this isn’t a copycat issue like Natural Born Killers was.

90 minutes later and you’re out of the theater no muss, no fuss.  It’s an enjoyable romp with some good satire and some decent action.  You don’t need to drop $15 on it but solid netflix for sure.

I give the Hunt a 6/10

 

 

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Film Review: Bad Boys 4 Life

January has always been the dumping ground for films and relationships.  Which is why when I saw they were releasing BB3 at this time, that didn’t really instill confidence.  I’d say the same amount of confidence Mets fan of having Diaz come in from in the bullpen.  Anyway, let’s bring you up to speed.  Marcus Burnett and Mike LAAAA-RHY are back in Miami and 25 years old than when they made their initial appearance.  Will Smith barely looks any older while Martin Lawrence looks like he’s allergic to shellfish and just polished off 10 lobsters and then got stung by 10,000 bees.  Marcus is a now grandfather and fully into Roger Murtagh, “I’m getting too old for this shit” territory.  Marcus is ready to retire and Smith is not.  Things change when the son of a Mexican drug lord shoots up Mike LAAAA-RHY because Mike and other public figures sent Papi to prison.  Mike recovers and it’s vendetta time but not for Marcus, he’s in full Murtagh mode.  THE PLOT THICKENS….

So what’s different with BB3 than the others?  No Michael Bay at the helm but new directors Bilal Fallah and Adil El Arbi do not change the playbook when it comes to action choreography. Definitely see the slowed down 360 shot after a terse moment or 2 and fantastic cinematography as well.  Joey Pantaliano (Ralphie Cakes) reprises his role as Captain Howard so you know a few, “Don’t break the rules and fuck me” speeches are coming.  We also get the same ribbing back and forth between Smith and Lawrence which feels like those old, comfortable slippers that always put a smile on your face.  And what Bad Boys film would be complete without Theresa Randle as Marcus’s wife giving him an earful.  Seriously, you think she would divorce him by now or he would tell her cut the shit; he’ll never stop fucking up and the department will keep buying them new houses or cars whenever bad things happen to them.  Women?  AmIright?

What’s new?  We also get a new team working with Mike and Marcus within the Miami PD, the AMMO squad.  Vanessa Hudgens from High School Musical (never saw it, won’t bother) plays one of the squad and goshdarnit, she’s too damn cute to be shooting bad guys.  And let’s cue in the old guy jokes by the other dudes in the task force.  The creation of this task force beautifully sets ups the franchise for sequels or even a spinoff.  But don’t get cute with the spinoff idea, this group doesn’t have the charisma or humor to get people to drop $15 without Smith or Lawrence as the driving forces.

I liked Bad Boys but felt #2 dragged on.  This one was solid; top level action and had a John Wick feel to the fight scenes to it.  A couple of twists including a BIG one.  The soundtrack wasn’t as good as the first 2 but that’s because hip hop music has gone down the shitter in the last 10 years.  Example?  There are TWO Black Eyed Peas songs in here.

One more fun observation.  DJ Khaled has a scene where he plays a butcher and Mike has a few questions for him.  Mike uses a meat hammer on his hand to get some answers.  I feel Mike should’ve smashed his hand a final time while saying, “This is for your shitty music, ANOTHER ONE.” Now that kids, is a smart, well-written joke.  You better fucking acknowledge greatness when you see it.

Bad Boys For Life:

7 out of 10.  What you gonna do? Turn your brain off and enjoy shit blowing up for 2 hours.

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Film Review: Star Wars Episode 9 The Rise of Skywalker SPOILER FREE

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Here we are, the “Avengers Endgame” to the series that formed the childhood of billions of kids from the 70’s and 80’s.  But here’s something to ponder on as you read this review on the toilet at work (that’s right, your companies should pay YOU to poop):  After starting my new podcast, “Gutting the Sacred Cow” (If you like my reviews and standup comedy, enjoy other comedians coming onto the show and arguing why some of the most beloved, successful, or acclaimed films stink or are overrated.  Shameless plug over.   GTSC link on iTunes )  I’ve had to re-watch the latest Star Wars films and boy, this latest trilogy thus far is failing in the rewatchability department. The Force Awakens is like a watery lobster bisque with 4 big chunks of lobster but no real substance or base.  And the Last Jedi, wow.  Was I wrong when I wrote my initial review.  Man, that film has tons of faults compounded with a bunch of hard choices that had better pay off in 9.  Do they pay off? Well, see below and of course, no spoilers.  But before you do, go google Adam Driver as a Marine.  Kevin Pollak said his face looks like a cab with the doors open.  Hilarious.

JJ Abrams back at the director’s helm after Rian Johnson sent Last Jedi to the bottom of the discount DVD bin.  BTW, hearing the opening music and seeing the opening scroll really hit me as this is (for now) the END of the Skywalker story.  Also, it’s the last time we’ll hear anything new from John Williams as this was his final film.  And this man is without question the GREATEST film composer to have ever lived.  He’s on Mt Rushmore in the George Washington slot, zero debate allowed.

Kylo Ren finds his way to the Emperor; yes, that Emperor we loved from Return of the Jedi, and is told he has to kill Rey.  Now, let’s stop here.  Do we learn how in the living fuck he survived being thrown down a reactor AND THEN EXPLODING IN THE DEATH STAR?  We do not.  Which is problem number one for me, a BIG ONE.  How are we going to skate over one of the BEST villains in film history just magically reappears on a Sith planet that reminds me of the final battle in the last Matrix film?  BTW, a hidden planet of Sith?  Remember the rule of Sith?  There are only 2 at all times; no more, no less.  So less than 10 minutes, we’re pissing all over rules and skating past premises that need REAL explanation.  BTW, there are 2 sentences that mention the recently departed, Snoke.  Just two.  I’ll let that simmer with you for a few minutes.  How about some good news? Adam Driver thankfully puts his Kylo Ren back together so we don’t see his face as much in this film.

Rey has been training and became insanely strong in the Force, almost Jedi Knight status.  The Rebels are still a small band lead by CGI’ed Princess Leia.  Apparently, they had some unused footage of Carrie Fisher from Last Jedi and why not squeeze in a few scenes with her in the final chapter.  Rey and Kylo Ren continue to FaceTime via the Force as he taunts her with the knowledge of her parents and her lineage.  Their interactions are always good as he’s continuing to enlist her to join him and become part of the Dark Side.

My next complaint is when the both find their way to the Death Star ruins where Rey seeks out a tracker to find the planet of the Sith.  They battle it out (relax, you see them doing this in trailer where they’re soaking wet) and at the end of the battle, there’s a REAL problem with the result.  Not spoiling it but I completely disagreed with it.  I even leaned over to my buddy and said, “Nope.  But we know how this will play out later.”

There are a couple of surprises and appearances that are enjoyable but this film is mostly disjointed.  Too many new characters are introduced but I wish they spent the screen time interacting more with the established ones AND giving a modicum of backstory.  And DEFNINTELY not enough of Lando Calrissian!  We dig BDW and his Colt 45 million dollar smile out of retirement to have him in 3 or 4 scenes?  No thank you, I demand more of him; especially when original characters like Han Solo and Luke are dead.  Instead, we’re dealing with Poe and Finn who we never get to REALLY embrace and form a bond with.  We learn a LITTLE more about Poe as the crew goes to a planet to get a droid to hack 3PO’s memory and Poe runs into a former smuggler/lover.  But not enough where he or Finn makes anyone’s favorite character list.  Again, this recent trilogy did a watered down version from all aspects while trying to replicate the original.  With the exception of Rey and Ren, no characters have any layers.

Lastly and without getting into gory details, I hated the ending.  INSANELY anti-climactic.  The final battle had ZERO pathos like Return of the Jedi did.  You FELT for Luke as he learned Vader wanted to turn his sister.  You FELT for Vader as he weighed his decision to either serve the Emperor or save his son.  And that lightsaber battle in Jedi was just simply amazing.  This was much shorter than I felt was deserved.  And of course, the question still burns, what happened with Rey and her parents on Jakku?  After the reveal, I again turned to my buddy after the reveal and said, “Insanely fucking lazy.”  I was floored it came down to this decision because there is/was ZERO groundwork laid for this choice.  Sorry, here’s one spoiler, the Rebels win.  Like you didn’t think that was going to happen.  The final celebration scene felt muted.  I’ve seen more emotion from a night manager at Burger King closing up at 3 AM.  No one was REALLY stoked that the Empire was finally gone.  You see TWO Ewoks celebrating at the end of this one!  The ENTIRE VILLAGE ON ENDOR was hooping and hollering.  Statues fell when the Empire did.  Ships shooting off fireworks.  People dancing in the street.  Pure jubilation.  This felt like the last day of school instead of winning a massive battle.  Tons of unanswered questions or poor answers litter this film and that just doesn’t sit well with me.  But I’ll end this review with some good news: MUCH LESS ROSE than the Last Jedi.  She’s the 2nd worst character in the Star Wars Universe next to Jar Jar.

I definitely to rewatch this to fully digest everything but in short, I was very disappointed.  The critics were wrong, the people are right.

4.5 out of 10

Current order of Star Wars films (subject to change after I rewatch TROS)

  1. Star Wars
  2. Return of the Jedi
  3. Empire Strikes Back
  4. Rogue 1
  5. Revenge of the Sith-Severely underrated, people lump it in with the first 2 sequels when it should be separated from them.
  6. Attack of the Clones- the 2nd half is solid.  Whiny Anakin first half, awful.
  7. Force Awakens
  8. Rise of Skywalker
  9. Solo
  10. Last Jedi
  11. Phantom Menace-You take out Darth Maul and the final lightsaber scene, this film is a 2/10.
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3 Film reviews: Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, Knives Out, and the Irishman

Oh, hi there you tickle monsters.  It’s been awhile since I had a film to review but let’s be honest, it’s been a collection of student films, garbage passion projects, and blatant cash grabs.  Over the Thanksgiving weekend, I saw 3 films that bear worth reviewing.  But before you read my critiques, why not download our new podcast, “Gutting the Sacred Cow.”  If you love movies and want to see other comedians try and trash well loved or successful films, you’ll love this.  We’re on iTunes, Iheartradio, Google play, Stitcher, Spreaker, and Spotify.

beautiful day

Bottom line: if you hate Mr. Rogers, you’re a communist that needs to be immediately deported and then set afire in a cage while in transit to Burma.  He TRULY is the closest human to being faultless.  And if that theme music doesn’t bring an immediate tear to your eye, you’re more robotic than the T-1000 from T2 or the guy who played Oz from American Pie.  Tom Hanks, who can honestly do no wrong, plays a fantastic Fred Rogers.  If you don’t know his story, I’m not going over it now.  However, this film doesn’t make Mr. Rogers the focal point of this story.  It’s about the journalist assigned to do a small piece on him, Lloyd Vogel (Matthew Rhys).  Lloyd is dealing with his father (Chris Cooper who looks like Sebulba from Star Wars Episode 1.  Don’t believe me, google it) and Mr Rogers somehow gets Lloyd to open up about his tarnished relationship and of course, tries to help him.

If you didn’t see the outstanding documentary, “Won’t You Be My Neighbor?”, you better get off your ass and watch it.  Because you’re not going to get as much insight about Mr. Rogers in this film.  Although, I had a great laugh when Mr Rogers comes over to visit Lloyd’s ailing father and his sister’s new husband blurts out, “Are you a Navy Seal?”  That was one of the urban legends that was going around for years.  There are great Mr. Rogers moments: the opening show segment with Hanks walking in, singing the song, and flipping the shoes.  My eyes watered up and had the nostalgic smile a mile wide on my face.  You also see several show re-enactments with Hanks CGI’ed in that you may remember from the show or have seen in WYBMN.

This film is good but again, I’m not as interested in the journalist’s story as much as I am seeing Tom Hanks chew up scenery and seeing kids with disabilities have breakthroughs.  Who knows if the documentary didn’t alter the script for BDITN as they didn’t want two biographical stories in 2 years.  I wouldn’t have liked BDITN as much if there wasn’t the doc to get into the nitty gritty material.  This film is good, the doc is better.

I give it a 6.5/10

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How many “whodunits” have there been in recent memory?  Memento?  Pretty good.  Clue?  That was such a campy yet fun ride?  Too bad they’re remaking it.  LA Confidential? FANTASTIC.  Murder on the Orient Express (original and reboot SUCKED)?  So I was quite glad to see “Knives Out” invigorate the genre.  Great cast but you know what scared me?  Seeing Rian Johnson wrote and directed this.  Cause last we saw of ol RJ, he went out and gave us a C- Star Wars film in the Last Jedi.  He also did Looper which gives him some credibility back.  Was this worse than dinner theater murder mysteries?  Let’s find out.

Christopher Plummer plays Harlan Thrombey, who looks like he could’ve been one of the brothers from Trading Places.  Don’t worry, he doesn’t uses racial slurs.  Harlan is an uber successful mystery writer who after celebrating his 85th birthday, falls victim to murder.  His children and daughter in law all have had reason to off him as they’ve been cut out of his will.  But his caregiver/nurse, Marta Cabrera (Ana de Armas), suddenly finds herself as the sole benefactor of the will.  Daniel Craig is the detective hired by an unknown source to find out who did it. Zod from Superman, the mom from 6th sense, Laurie Strode, Captain America, and Sonny Crockett play the kids/in laws who are in question.

Obviously, I’m not getting into details to not spoil it but the cast perfectly hums along.  Daniel Craig was fantastic as the smarmy, know it all (most of the time detective) who really has a ball with this role.  You may figure out who did it (I did) but you’ll NEVER figure out the how or why.  I changed my logic at least 4 times and was still wrong.  And that’s why this film is amazing.  Anytime you get a layered story and can’t figure out AND buy the process/conclusion, it’s a fantastic investment of time.  Run, don’t walk, to see this film.  And then when you get out of the theater, download our latest episode of Gutting the Sacred Cow.

This film is fantastic, 8.5/10

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And now for one of the most anticipated films of 2019.  The last time we saw Scorsese, he got Margot Robbie topless several times in a film.  And we owe him a debt of gratitude for that.  But now he returns to the genre in which he created and inspired tons of knockoffs and a few winners.  The man who gave us Casino, Goodfellas, Mean Streets brings back several of the actors who shot to the stratosphere.  DeNiro, Pacino, AND he got Pesci out of retirement.  Can’t go wrong, right?  Well, let’s see.

First off, prepare yourself.  This is a 3.5 hour film.  But thankfully, you’re watching it at home now so you can pause to pee, get some food, or complain on social media about how long it is.  And for all of those who complain about the length, no one seemed to have a problem with Godfather 2 and that was 4 minutes shorter than this.  This is the story of Frank Sheeran (Robert Deniro, the man who hasn’t turned any film down since 2003), the guy who painted more houses than Dutch Boy.  Ba-dum, ching!  First things first: Scorsese CGIs all of the older actors and it’s sometimes quite amusing.  My FAVORITE part was when a “younger” DeNiro sloowwwwwly beats up a grocery store own.  I mean, it looks like he was in quicksand while giving the guy a beating.  DeNiro finds himself working for Russel Buffalino (Welcome back, Joe Pesci!),

DeNiro earns his stripes doing errands for Buffalino and eventually finds himself working with the Teamsters and Jimmy Hoffa (Al Pacino).  Shoutout to my buddy Jeff Paul who has few scenes with Pacino as a one of his crew.  Hoffa climbs to power while bringing Sheeran along for the ride.  Blah, blah, blah, mob stuff happens.  But without question, my favorite scene is Pesci explaining to DeNiro why Hoffa has to go.  It’s quite reminiscent of the Goodfellas scene is when DeNiro gets the phone call that Tommy is dead.  And there’s nothing he can do about it.

Again, people are shitting on this for the length.  Does this lag at times?  You betcha.  Could they have cut some down?  Without question.  But this is almost a mini series in a film as it tells the entire tale of Sheeran.  This is a great switcharoo of roles; a more mellowed Pesci leads the pack and should be nominated for supporting actor.  I’ll never compare this to Goodfellas because that’s as close to a perfect film as you can get.  Is this better than Casino?  No.  Departed? Not really.  And is this a film you immediately stop changing channels when you see it on?  For me, not yet.  But this is good and if you like seeing a lot of the old gang together again, this is for you.  It’s solid and enjoyable.

I give it a 7/10.

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Film reviews: Rambo Last Blood and the Joker

Hey you silly smelly sailors.  It’s been awhile since a film review and since I saw the Joker last week and one of the few who saw Rambo, let’s talk movies.

rambo

Rambo took a beating by the critics and at the box office.  Who fucking cares?  You want someone old as Bernie Sanders blowing up shit for 90 minutes.  And that’s exactly what you get.  Rambo, his niece, and her aunt live on a ranch in the middle of nowhere, Arizona.  Which is somewhere the Bang Bros should a new location to film, what a challenge to find someone walking down the road that’s not an escaped convict.  Rambo’s niece gets word that her estranged dad lives in Mexico and she heads down; despite Rambo’s pleas not to go as the dad was an awful person.  She gets kidnapped by a sex trafficking gang.  Rambo catches word and decides to write poetry to give his angst an outlet.  Just kidding, he hates poetry and general sentence formation.

He heads on down, bent on revenge and uh oh, gets outnumbered and beat up.  BTW, there are people complaining that this film makes Mexican people look bad.  Oh, I guess the SJW forgot about the cartels when they decided to find something to get fake offended on a Tuesday at 11am.  Rambo gets back to America to heal up then back down to Mexico to cast a new version of Menudo.  Just kidding, we already have a new version of Menudo.  He goes back down to start a tickle fight (bloody carnage) and let them know he’s still around.  Well this of course doesn’t strike the Mexican gang’s fancy so they head up to Rambo’s house and that’s when this becomes Home Alone on steroids.  He preps his house and tunnels with weapons, traps and bombs; like he’s going to receive a visit from his in-laws.  The last 15-20 minutes make this film completely worthwhile and at a brisk 90 minutes, it’s a enjoyable watch.  Yes, you’re going to have a few “eye roll moments” but c’mon, we’ve enjoyed those since Rambo 2.  As most of my Italian friends say, it is what it is.  You get what you expect; a lesson or 2 sprinkled in with weak dialogue and action.  And make no mistake about it, this is the last Rambo.  Is it the best sign off for Rambo, John J?  No but you’ll find enough to enjoy of this Viking funeral.

Last Blood 6/10

 
Last time we saw Batman, he was played by Ben Affleck on the tail end of one hell of a alcoholic bender.  And the last time we saw the Joker; he was a tatted up gangster with zero charisma that people rightfully rank him as the worst Joker of all time.  Even worse than Beto O’Rourke.  I mean, who’s taking that guy and his extremely punchable face seriously?  So when DC said, “let’s wash suicide squad out of everyone’s mouth,” we all said sure.  And when River Phoenix’s brother was announced the Joker, it was met with cautious optimism.  Because if a guy that played a gay cowboy can KILL the role of the Joker, we can give anybody a chance.  Anyone except the guy who played the Sherminator in American Pie.

We learn about Arthur Fleck and his tough life: mentally unstable, living with his delusional mother while he tries to make a life out of being a clown for hire as well as standup comedian.  Fleck isn’t respected by anyone; he gets beaten up by kids and manipulated at work.  You truly feel bad for him.  Fleck eventually goes all Bernie Goetz and shoots a few Wall St guys who mess with him on the subway.  Add him bombing on stage at Dangerfield’s (this is the last time you’ll see that place full in awhile) sends him right down the toilet.  And in a counterclockwise motion if you live south of the equator.  He loves watching Murray Franklin (Robert DeNiro) every night and manages to catch Murray’s eye as he plays a tape of Arthur bombing on a comedy show.

I kid you not, I tried to see if I can start getting money in on Phoenix to win as best actor.  He’s nothing short of brilliant and every bit as good as Ledger was in Dark Knight.  He digs in DEEP to this role; I loved the uncontrollable laugh he has and claims it’s because of a neurological disorder.  So many great choices pay off in this film, especially by Phoenix.  He doesn’t try to be Heath’s Joker but it’s just as creepy and boy, is the third act an absolute ball of fire.  His full transformation as the Joker cashes in every set up that director Todd Phillips puts out there.

Obviously, we don’t have any Batman but we do get a couple of Bruce Wayne scenes.  And an Alfred sighting too!  But my biggest (not really that big, nitpicking here) is that they make Thomas Wayne look like an a-hole.  Every story and film has him as a charitable doctor who tirelessly gives to Gotham.  He’s running for mayor here and quite unlikeable so that inconsistency didn’t sit as well with me on that.  It definitely warrants the R rating with some of the violent acts and good for Phillips he didn’t water this down.  And yes, there’s a nod to DK in this film, it’s a can’t miss camera shot in the end of the film.  This film definitely winks to Falling Down, Taxi Driver, and King of Comedy to name a few.  The mental health tone is so loud that Helen Keller’s ghost could hear this.  And being in standup comedy, I see this behavior all the time in the trenches.  Thankfully, some of these frustrated comics didn’t go into a theater and do their 5 minutes.  And then shoot up the place.

Todd Phillips made Road Trip and the Hangover films.  How he made a pivot to such an unknown territory of the greatest villain of all time in comic book history and made it dark with perfectly placed dabs of humor also should put firmly put him as a solid contender for best director.

Love this film and anyone who says otherwise needs a flower squirting acid in their face.

The Joker is a 9.5 out of 10.

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