Death, taxes, and Disney. 3 surefire constants in life. Disney has made a TON of quality films: Toy Story 1-3 (Pixar but still under Disney umbrella), Lion King, Duck Tales Movie (You better believe that counts), Little Mermaid, the list goes on. And hey, they’re allowed to have a Black Cauldron, Chicken Little, or Meet the Robinsons every so often. Then what happens? Disney buys Star Wars and fires out films faster than Alexandra Ocasio Cortez fires out her lack of knowledge regarding government structure. SHE ACTUALLY THOUGHT SHE WAS GETTING INAUGERATED??!! Anyway, some of the Star Wars films were solid (Rogue 1 and Episode 8), and a couple that weren’t (Solo and arguably Episode 7). But Disney is that guy you want up to the plate with bases loaded and down by 3 in the bottom of the 9th. They’ll bring it home and make more “feel good” memories for you 8 times out of 10.
So when they announced a sequel to one of my favorite recent Disney films, Wreck it Ralph, I was immediately ecstatic. How perfect was the mix of 80’s/90’s video games, humor, and even a message of acceptance for people with physical issues that doesn’t constantly hit you over the head. I laughed throughout the first film and had to rewatch to see all of the characters walking in the background of all the scenes. How did I think the sequel holds up? Well…
Ralph and Vanellope (John C Reilly and Sarah “I don’t mind watching Louis CK beat off as long as that ginger juice doesn’t get on me” Silverman) are back in Litwak’s arcade, hooping it up when Ralph accidentally contributes to the breaking of Sugar Rush’s (Vanellope’s game) steering wheel. Uh-oh! A replacement steering wheel costs more than Sugar Rush takes in a year so all the characters escape from the now shutdown video game. Vanellope and Ralph make their way into the wi-fi router and head to eBay so they can get that replacement steering wheel and save Candy Crush from being taken out of the arcade. Cue the spam/pop up add jokes, the google autofill jokes, and various internet gags. After Ralph and Vanellope win the auction for the Sugar Rush steering wheel, they learn that Ebay does indeed cost money. Ralph heads off to make goofy videos and becomes a viral star with the help of the algorithm, YESSS (Taraji P Henson). Meanwhile, Vanellope heads off and gets tied in with bad girl/wannabe Fast and the Furious racer, Shank (Gal Godot). Vanellope wants to drive and Shank tells her that maybe Sugar Rush is not longer for the place for her. Enter internal conflict of staying with her best friend or leaving for her dreams.
At this point, this film is solid and just about as enjoyable as the first. I must say that when Vanellope goes to the Disney section of the internet is HILARIOUS. She runs into Star Wars characters, priceless. But when she mets all of the princesses of the Disney films is when this film takes the cake. Tons of shoutouts, tongue in mouth jokes from Snow White to Mulan to Elsa. That writing couldn’t have been more sharp. But I have to say, this film disappointed me when Ralph tries to sabotage the internet with a virus. It really lost me in the end and I think the payoff was subdued because I wasn’t really on board with that final act. Is this a fun film? Yes. Did I like it? Yes. But is this in the same ballpark as its predecessor? Absolutely not.
I give it a 6.5 out of 10.
Welcome to another sweet spot time for films! Thanksgiving through Christmas is when Hollywood trots out the better than normal stuff: holiday feel goods, kids films, and comic book films. Maybe even an academy award film in limited release or 2. Let’s talk Creed 2 and take it back…do-do, doooo do. Take it baaaaaack.
No, Carl Weathers doesn’t come back to life after his corpse is struck by lightning. But it sure looks like Sly Stallone did. Ryan Coogler is out as director as he was busy making billions with Black Panthers. Stephen Caple Jr has come in from the bullpen to direct the sequel. So Creed (Michael B Jordan) has risen through the ranks and has become the heavyweight champion of the world. Meanwhile, in the center of American’s election, Viktor Drago (Florian Munteanu) is trained by his father, Ivan (Dolph Lundgren). But a hustling promoter (Buddy Marcelle) is watching Viktor smack around Russkies like Russian men knock around their wives. Obviously, he’s looking to get a fight between Creed and Drago to recreate the fight that their fathers had 30 years ago. FYI, the Dragos aren’t doing so well. They’re humping crates around when they’re not training. Russia has turned its back on Drago. Brigitte Nielsen left Ivan because he lost to Rocky and then found true love with Flavor Flav. You’ll definitely sympathize with Lundgren as Ivan Drago. He lost everything and lived a life of obscurity, being SO CLOSE and missing it. He is obviously trying to relive the glory days and what could have been through his son. You’ll also remember he’s an asshole when he needles Creed and Rocky.
Tessa Thompson reprises her role as Bianca, Adonis Creed’s girlfriend. She continues to hit it out of the park in this installment. She’s making strides with her music while fighting through her healing impairment. And of course, Stallone is back as everyone’s favorite Italian pugilist/trainer. Now that Creed is champion, Viktor Drago challenges him for a fight. Cute the multitude of emotions/flashbacks that Creed and Stallone go through from 30 years ago, when we all had to suffer through James Brown’s “Living in America.” And oh yeah, when Stallone balked at throwing in the towel and getting his best friend killed.
Fast forward to Creed taking on the fight and getting smoked by Drago. Except this fight ends in a DQ so Creed still holds onto the title. We begin to channel Rocky 3 where Rocky gets tuned up by Mr. T and here are where the parallels begin. Both are questioning their heart and hunger throughout the second acts. A life changing moment occurs with Creed and he’s debating if boxing still worth it. Phylicia Rashad appears fresh out of testifying at Cosby’s trial and returns as Creed’s mother. She reminds him of the obvious that there’s no need to do the rematch end up like his father but hey, make your own decisions, son. And of course, what would be a Rocky/Creed film without a training montage? Creed realizes he can’t go about it the usual way so Stallone takes him to another venue, a la Rocky 4, sans cheesy 80’s music. No, he doesn’t finish at the top of a mountain while yelling, DRAGO, in a 360 degree shot. One more parallel? Sure. Creed even enlists Tony “Little Duke” Evers, the son of his dad’s trainer, Duke. Remember him? “Throw in the damn towel!”
Creed 2 is pretty good. We even get a nice cameo in this one, I guarantee you’ll have an, “Oh shit!” moment in this theater. Yes, it’s pretty predictable and yes, there are a ton of obvious similarities to Rocky 4. But this an enjoyable film and you’ll feel satisfied, not overstuffed, like Thanksgiving dinner. And let’s cross our fingers that for Creed 3, he fights Clubber Lang’s kid. And wrestles Hulk Hogan’s son, Nick. Wait, whoops…
I give it a 7/10
There are moments in your life where you catch such fire, you feel like an immortal Highlander. You CAN’T lose. You’re playing blackjack and have a 5 way split, all with double downs. The dealer busts. EUPHORIA. You’re playing poker and get hit the nut flush on the river and your opponent shoves all in. SPIKE OF ADRENALINE. You can’t call fast enough. You’re in a Vegas club, meet a 10, and she can’t even wait to get back to your room…she wants to fuck in the elevator. YOU CAN’T SEND OUT A BRAGGING GROUP TEXT TO YOUR BUDDIES FAST ENOUGH. Then, like Robert DeNiro tells Al Pacino in the amazing film, Heat. “There’s a flip side to this coin.” You’re at that same blackjack table, draw to 19, and the dealer draws 7 to 21. COLD PANG OF DESPAIR. You’re at that same poker table, hit a straight, and shove all in. As you announce straight, your opponent says, “To what?” And then shows the higher straight. ACHING FEELING IN THE BALLS. You’re in that same club in Vegas, meet a 7 in a club, go back to your room and wake up the following morning and then remember how you raw dogged. Oh yeah what were those mysterious bumps down there?? COLD SHIVERS UP YOUR BUTTHOLE.
And that’s what the last 2 weeks have been for me. 5-10 in the last 2 weeks, including last night’s New Orleans under 60 win. Now, I’m 40-34 for 54% YTD. Jesus Christ, I was 59% a few weeks ago at a tally of 35-24.
Let’s see if we can get off the slide and so far, we’re looking good at a 1-0 start for the week. BTW, go out right now and get a New Orleans Saints to win the Super Bowl at +250. Lowest number on the board for the sole reason of THEY’RE GOING TO WIN THE SUPERBOWL. Drew Brees is going to go out on top and he has an alright defense for once. No one is coming into that dome and knocking them off.
Week 12, here we go. Diiiiiicks out.
Lock of the week is:
I know I said on Fantasy Football Jibber Jabber this week (Yep, I’ll shoehorn a plug in for my show.)
that my lock of the week is the Carolina over 46.5. I still kind of like the call but I like Carolina -3 a lot more. Why? Carolina is 14th against the run but 24th against the pass. Panthers are the 3rd best running team in the NFL. Seattle defense isn’t that great against the run, 20th in the NFL but 6th vs the pass. So logic dictates that Carolina is going to be running the ball more, therefore eating more clock up. Also, this is the typical “west coast team flying to play a 1pm game.” The Seahawks have gone 5/6 under of late and Seattle plays to the under 5/6 in Carolina. More stats? Sure, you’re not paying for this curated info. Seattle is 2-4 ATS in Carolina, 1-3-1 against Carolina. And at home, Carolina is a whole new animal, 4-1 ATS. I could still make an argument for the O/U as it’s low-ish at 47.5 but I feel more comfortable putting my money on (and I did) with
Taking Carolina -3
The Giants under was one of the 5 losses I had. And who could blame me? When was the last time the Giants dropped 30 on anyone? When Obama was president. When it was still ok to be a straight white guy. When you could fly on an airplane without getting your ass whooped or your pets killed. Don’t look now but that’s 2 straight overs for the Giants. Scored 38 and 27 points in their last 2 and now facing a completely decimated Eagles secondary? Sign me up. Barkley almost had 100 rushing on top of his over 100 receiving. Beckham with 3 TDs in his last 2 games. The Eagles just finished wiping the Saints’s jizz off from all over their asses from last Sunday. The only problem is that Philly has always been a house of horrors for the Giants. Giants are 1-5 SU in Philly, 2-4 ATS. Good news: Giants are 5/5 over against Garbage Town, USA. Although they’re 6/8 under in Philly and Philly itself is 4/5 under, I think they put up points. And 47 is low for today’s NFL. Doesn’t take a Gootee to figure out where this is going:
Giants over 47. And you also may want to invest in the Giants team total and go over that. That Eagles D is DECIMATED. Also took Barkley OVER 53.5 receiving yds and Giants team total OVER 21.5
Like a woman who goes home with a dude after grinding on him for 2 hours in Vegas, I don’t normally do this. I haven’t taken a teaser in EASILY 7 years but good ol’ Steve Fezzik makes a great point. No better way to take 2 teams that are laying 7 or 7.5 points with a 6 point swing and get them down to less than a FG. I took Dallas down to -1 and they covered with ease. Second half of the teaser, Indy -1.5 Who’s hotter than Andrew Luck right now? Emily Ratajkowski. Goddamn, she could wear a Queen Victoria dress as well as a newspaper boy hat while sporting a Mike Tyson face tattoo. I’d still be harder than a shark’s tooth. Miami is 1-9 ATS on the road, 2-5 of late. Fins are 2-4 playing Indy but oddly enough, they’re 7-1 in the land of Applebees VIPs. But the Dolphins are getting Tannehill back and who can figure out if that’s a good thing or a bad thing? The Dolphins have Davante Parker and Danny Amendola listed as questionable, making Kenny Stills the only healthy receiver. Colts are 4-1 SU of late and 4-2 SU at home. I’m only laying 1.5 with the teaser so that’s as SU as you can get.
Teased Dallas to -1 and Indy to -1.5
Another team that completely singed my scrotum last week was the Minnesota Vikings. God, this team has been all over the place this year and you may be wondering when is the safe time to bet them. My answer? Definitely not in the playoffs but I think this Sunday is a good time. Here’s why. They just got smoked by a division rival who’s on the way up and in comes another division rival who is on the way down. Green Bay is 10.5 points WORSE on the road than home, which makes them #32 in the NFL, THE WORST IN THE LEAGUE. Let’s also mention that Aaron Rodgers is below .500 on the road. Lastly, it’s blatantly obvious that the Packers are quitting on McCarthy and he may not make it till the end of the year. If they lose this week, he could be gone monday. And I bet Seattle last week home against the Pack, laying 2.5 points. The number closed at 3 and ended up pushing. And that’s why it’s perfectly ok to take a number IMMEDIATELY if you like it instead of waiting till Sunday. Vikings at home: 36-16-2 ATS under Mike Zimmer and and even bigger sample size, 47-23 ATS at home. Bottom line, Vikings are 72% ATS at home, the second best team at home ATS is the Patriots at 56%. One more oddball stat: Vikings are 36-15-1 on field turf. I’m sure they have a stat about playing on a cross bluegrass, Kentucky bluegrass, featherbed bent, and northern California sinsemilla. BANG! Another Caddyshack reference makes the column.
Jump on the Vikings -3 as it’s probably headed back to -3.5
And now for words that usually don’t make people money. I like the Buffalo Bills this week. I’ll hold for laughter. Done? One more? Sure, go ahead, I need to pee anyway. Ok, I’m back. You’re good? Cool. Last time we saw the Bills, they completely set ablaze my 1st half under 17.5 bet at the Jets 2 weeks ago. Now they’re home, after a bye, against a team who completely dominated the Steelers for 57:30 and then lost late. They’ve lost 5 straight. A warm weather team going up to play inside one of the coldest places, Lena Dunham’s vagina. Jax 0-3-2 of late ATS, 3-5-1 on the road. Blake Bortles (second best gay porno name) is just putrid on the road, 5 TDs and 6 INTs. Jax averaging 17 PPG on the road. So we know they can’t pass, what about Fournette being back? Whoopedy-doo. Buffalo is the 10th best rushing D in the NFL and the 3rd best in the last 3 weeks. I love big defenses getting points at home. Why is Jacksonsville giving a shit about this game? No one else will…except me and the others who bet…
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NFL teams since 2002, + Road Favorite, + 13 or more days of rest61-23 (73% Against The Spread)
First off, a shameless plug for my show on Twitch TV called, Fantasy Football Jibber Jabber. See how we do with our gambling picks as well as fantasy football recommendations. We’ll be on next week at 6pm under the Be Terrific banner on Twitch as well as Facebook Live.
Unreal. We’ve just turned out clocks back and as I typed out, “week 9”, I realize how time does indeed fly. Remember how getting to your birthday, summer vacation, or losing your virginity seemed to take a lifetime? Fuck, we’re now halfway through the NFL season. It was only 2 months ago that my buddy and I were hopping around like idiots in Vegas where your boy went 7-1 opening weekend. Last week, I righted the ship and went 5-3, bringing me to a robust 35-24 and more importantly to 59%. Jesus Christ, that’s spectacular! I hit the Colts, Skins, Pitt Over, Seattle, and the Packers as the lock of the week. Lost the Bengals as they blew a 17 point lead late after Fitzpatrick and his beekeeper beard returned to action and backdoored that game. I called the Saints winning outright, wish I took them instead of the over. The Saints over was ahead of pace at halftime but Minnesota couldn’t do dick in the second half, leaving me 4 points shy of the over. And the Niners ALSO blew a 2 score lead in the 4th quarter against Arizona. As we know, the best laid plans…
Week NAWWWNE started off with a clunker for me as every sharp better jumped on Oakland +3 when Beathard was announced as questionable on Wednesday. As the line went down to Oakland -1 when Beathard was ruled out, you can figure out who started to plan on spending that sweet, sweet, freeeee money. And then a pesky little thing called, “the game” occurred. That’s where Nick Mullen sliced and diced through that putrid Oakland defense like he was Peyton Manning in 2006. Hell, Mullen didn’t throw his FIRST incompletion until late in the first quarter. SF ends up blowing out the Raiders and you’ll be lucky to find someone this year to put cash on them this year, even if it’s against a bunch of bearded hipsters wearing skinny jeans with Lena Dunham as the quarterback. The way the Raiders defense has been playing, she could do a 5 step drop back, tweet how white men are the worst, and find a “male feminist” open on a crossing route.
So 0-1 to start this week, let’s pick some winners!
Lock of the week:
If you missed this week’s, “Fantasy Football Jibber Jabber,” you can catch it right here. Catch me next week on Twitch at 5pm under Be Terrific. Fast forward to about 4:30 in for the start of the show.
4-4 last week, meh. Lost TB and the over. Lost Bal and SF over. Fucking Beathard turned that ball over more times than someone on the fix. Couldn’t score more than 10 points in garbage time? I hit Bal under as that Tucker miss solidified the under for me. Hit my lock of the week with SD under and thankfully, Vrabel went for 2 after that late TD. Either way, I was winning that one. Late hits with the Chiefs and my NY Giants brought me to .500. And of course that, “too little, too late comeback attempt but successful backdoor cover” for the Giants. And don’t bother with a butt sex joke, we’ve done them all. Especially all while sitting in a steam room at NY Sports Club. 30-21 on the season which puts me at 59% and better than most Vegas handicappers and MUCH better than the weathermen and weatherladies. Quick would you rather: Land a weatherlady or land an anchorwoman on any of the Hispanic channels? I vote Hispanic anchorwoman. No reason, I think it’s just a slightly higher accomplishment, as long as you don’t land the one that is also cartel member’s girlfriend.
The Lock of the week: I know the Rams just made the Niners look flat out silly last week. Aaron Rodgers is 4-0 when the Packers are getting more than 6. Off the bye, 9-2-1. Allison and Cobb will be back. Rams 6-11-2 last 19 at home ATS. Gonna be a ton of GB fans. So barely a home field advantage for GB.
Take GB +9.5
Facts are facts: Drew Brees is a strong MVP candidate this year. Some people are trying to downplay the revenge factor the where the Lattimore whiffed on a tackle, Stefon Diggs runs for the TD and an insurance company endorsement deal. Saints 4-1 ATS and 5-0 SU out of their last 5. The line went from Saints +1 to now Saints -1.5. Time to wait this out till Sunday as the public has obviously pounded the Saints. Minn 3-5-2 last 10 and 1-3-1 at home. Also, the Saints have went over 52: 6/9, 7/8 vs Minnesota, 8/10 in Minnesota, Minn over 4/6.
I’m taking the Saints -1.5 (Waiting till tomorrow to see what the line ends up) and over 53
The Steelers have been over 6/8, 4/5 at home, Cle under 4/6 and under 4/6 on the road. 8/12 vs Pitt. Plus, Pitt D has let at least 21 points to QBs. 21 is also the number of sandwiches most women order at Primanthi’s, 21 also the number of times they’ve hooked up with their uncles, and 21 is also the number of IQ points those water heads have.
Plunk down some buck on Pitt over 49 (I bought it down to 48.5)
After the Chiefs game sunday night, Cincinatti looked like Houston after her 500 man gangbang. Now they’re home and not on prime time which is key for Andy Dalton. He’s like A-Rod, showing up when there’s no pressure but shrinking when the spotlight is at its brightest. No Gerald McCoy and Kwon Alexander on defense for TB and boy, does Jameis “One Star Uber Passenger rating” love turning that ball over. That fruitcake screwed me out of that over last week with all of those turnovers last week vs Cleveland. Cincy 6-3 ATS of late and 5-2 at home. Bucs 2-11 SU on the road.
Grabbing the Bengals -3.5
Seattle one of the best rushing the ball, Detroit one of the worst defending the rush. Seahawks off a bye and getting 3 points? Heiiidy HOOOOOO.
Taking the Seahawks +3 and their obnoxious fans.
Colts flying west to facing the Oakland Raiders who are in flat out, “selling anything not nailed down” mode. Apparently, Derek Carr isn’t crying, YOU’RE CRYING. They traded away Cooper who wasn’t really doing anything all that special anyway and Lynch is on IR. Now I ask you, where are the points coming from? Jared Cook? I’d rather have Jared from Subway. Raiders also 2-13 ATS against teams that have a bye the following week.
Take the Colts -3
Bears have Mack listed as questionable. But where are the Jets getting their points from? All of their WRs are out: Enuwa, Robbie Anderson, and Wayne Chrebet all out for the Jets. They signed Richard Matthews and who cares? He couldn’t stay on the Titans roster? Jets 2-5-1 on the road. 0-4-1 in Chicago. Bears 11-4-1 at home. I know the Bears haven’t laid more than a TD in well over 5 years but again, where are the Jets getting their points from?
Take the Bears -8 but going to wait till kickoff to see the number.
Speaking of teams that are else selling their body parts for science, the Giants are home and that will be the last game of the year I attend. As much as I enjoy the randy talk and spirited menu fare of my buddy, I can’t stomach the thought to pay to see this team nor freeze my ass off any more this year. Giants trade Eli Apple and his annoying mother to the Saints (no big deal) and Snacks Harrison (huge deal, #1 run stopper in the NFL) to Detroit. Washington escapes with a win against Dallas and Jason Garrett’s ability to fuck up a glass of water. Washington 4-2 ATS of late and I know the history favors the Giants but I’m going against a team almost ready to bench their QB.
Take the Skins -1
The Niners just got smoked. I don’t feel like going to a full handicap except that from one of my favorite gambling podcasts, RJ “Mushmouth” Bell’s Vegas dream preview, all of the guys love the Niners because the Cardinals stink and the last time they faced each other, the Niners lost but were +5 in turnovers. They rebound against an awful Josh Rosen with turf toe. 4 likes from those sharps are enough for me to like it too.