5-6 last week as the Giants ruined my chances to go over .500 for the week for the first time in a LONG time. Goddamnit, that puts me at 55-61-1 this year which includes the Dallas under on Thanksgiving I took. Hope you degenerates stayed away from Black Friday store openings at 4am cause if you didn’t, you should be forced to play in the Squid Games. This week, THREE games that are absolutely going to make you say, “who gives a shit!”
What’s worse, watching the Jets or getting finger popped by your uncle watching the Jets lose again? Well, get ready for another Jets loss against a Houston defense that shut down the Titans. The Jets lost Michael Carter for a few weeks and the stats sure don’t inspire confidence: 1-5 ATS of late, 0-6 ATS on the road. Their defense is also dead LAST in DVOA while Houston is slightly above average.
Houston -2.5
The only thing watching someone drive into and kill people in a Christmas parade was watching the Falcons last week against the Patriots. I can’t believe I’m putting hard earned money on the Falcons again but here we are. Jags give up 12 most yards allowed and 29th in defense efficiency. Matt Ryan is going to do his best Urban Meyer impression and bury in boner in the Jags behind this week. Trevor Lawrence has allowed 169 yds and .2 TDs a game for the last 3 games. 10 days off to prep and stew against the dogshit Jags is enough for Matt “Waterhead” Ryan to get the win. Falcons 5-0 ATS and 4-1 SU against Jags of late. Jags are 2-18 SU of late, 2-11 SU at home. Hold your nose like I do when your mom drops her panties and bet the Falcons.
Falcons -1
Jaguars have scored 23 ONCE and that was in London. They haven’t score more than 20 in over a month and scored 20 or more 3 times this year.
Jaguars team total under 23
Can you imagine (I’ve been there for the good and bad) if you had the Chargers and you blew that 17 pt lead in the 4th quarter and had them -4.5? Oh gambling, you’re the best and the worst. Good news is Pitt is getting everyone back on defense: Fitzpatrick and most imporantly, TJ Watt, are back on defense. I jumped in a little late and got it at +3.5 and there’s still value left as this is THE last stand for Pitt. You’re getting more than a FG in a divisional game, grab it while you can. Pittsburgh is 3-6 ATS (including when Ben was out) but 4-1-1 SU of late and 4-1 ATS on the road. 11-2 SU against Cincy. Bengals 1-4 ATS at home, 1-7 SU home against Pitt and 3-6 ATS as the favorite. Good enough stats for you?
Steelers +3.5
I want to go play Far Cry 6 so here’s a quick handicap. Vikings are 4-1 ATS of late, 4-2 SU, and 6-3 SU against SF. Niners are worse at home than their policing policies, 1-8 SU at home. Vikings putting up 30.6 ppg of late and Cousins hasn’t thrown a pick in 6 games with 21 TDs. Oh yeah, Kyle Shanahan is 3-16-2 as a home favorite. Game, set, match.
Vikings +3
I’m watching The Last Dragon right now and this film is so fucking awful. It’s beyond 80’s schlock and impossible to defend as a guilty pleasure. That’s just a quick tangent as we get to the first teaser. Colts are AVERAGING 31 PPG and Taylor is averaging 119 yds a game. I have the Colts under 9 and I’m starting to sweat this one out after an awful start by Went and 2 bad beat losses. Colts are 6-2 ATS of late but 3-6 ATS at home.Now, before I hear you say, TB has the best rush defense (they do), Vita Vea is their best run stopper and he’s out. Last 5 games, the Bucs have allowed 111 rush yds a game so the bloom is off the rose. Bucs are 0-5 ATS on the road and 0-3 ATS against winning teams. But let’s get a little insurance by teasing this with…
In the third, “who gives a shit” game of the week, let’s talk Carolina and Miami. This game on paper is worse than the Asian guys in the Last Dragon. Goddamn, this film is awful. Anyway, Carolina is 2-6 ATS and SU of late. 1-5 ATS against Mia, 2-4 SU although Carolina 10-2 ATS of late on the road. But in the last 4, Miami defense is 3rd in points allowed as well as 2nd best in allowed QBR rating. Carolina defense has been holding it down as well: 2nd in yards allowed and 6th in PPG. Dolphins are 11-4 ATS at home and 7-1 ATS in November games but 3-7 SU of late.
Dolphins +8 and Colts +9
No Brown, no Jones, no Johnson. Sounds like the 3/5 starting 5 of an NBA lineup out. But wait, there’s more! Down 3 CBs, 2 LBs, a G, and a DT all out. So let’s get this straight, the Titans who lost to the Texans and have no one on offense and defense. They go to New England and facing a defense who has given up THIRTEEN points in THREE games. They’re 3rd in takeaways, 7th in sacks, and FIRST in points allowed. Yeah, we’re taking the Pats down to a near pick em. Then 2-7 SU and 2-5 ATS against NE, 1-6 SU in NE. Pats are rolling, 5-0 ATS and SU of late. Just tease them and kick back with a Colt 45 cause it works every time.
Titans team total under 18
Pats -1/GB+7
Yes, I know Rodgers toe must be hurting him worse than it is for us to look at his mullet. And I know the Rams are off 2 losses with a bye. It’s supposed to get frigid tomorrow in Lambeau and before last week’s explosion in Minnesota, (hope you took Minn like I told you to) Packers gave up 22 or less in 7 games. And looky, looky, here: Packers have given up 11 points per game at Lambeau over their last 4 at home. Rams are 1-4 ATS of late, 0-7 ATS against GB, 1-5 SU in GB. Packers are on fire: 9-1 ATS and 8-2 SU, 10-1 SU at home. Yes, a couple more injuries on defense but hence why we’re teasing the Pack up to 7. Let’s cross those fingers and hope the Pack o line holds up and they keep it to 7.
Pats -.5/Pit +10 teaser for all the reasons above.
Kevin Gootee 