This guy promised you free money. I’m GIVING you free money!
When you’re good, take a bow. And goddamn, am I good! Last week, 6-1, repeat 6-1, while in Vegas with my buddies. We ate like kings, drank the uncle who was too touchy feely with your sister, and screamed about all that FREEEE MONEY we received. Dal under, AZ under, Cincy, Rams, Philly under, and the “what not to do in overtime” clinic put on by the Browns and Steelers brought me my final winner. For those of you while are going to hear this story for the rest of your lives, Cle got 2 TDs late to tie the game up. I had the under at 44 and the score going into halftime was 21-21. Translation: 99.5% of the time, I’m fucked. But because Ben can’t close on the road or a mouthy coed in a bar bathroom and Cleveland went all Cleveland; neither team scored and the under held on by your mothers’ steel wool pubes. The only I lost was the Saints money line and boy, was that a hit in the pocket as the money line was -550. And now since we have more time to write this article while Predator is on in the background, my daughter is eating popcorn, and my wife is preparing for 4 eventual moments of randy talk, let’s get to the picks!
The Filthadelphia Eagles showed that they sucked less against Matt Ryan on the road last week. Atlanta had 20 penalties, which is 4 less than crybaby Venus Williams had at the US Open. Was it Venus or Serena? I don’t care. Tennis is a half step above soccer, NASCAR, and people who play Pokemon. Ok fat nerds, 1997 is over. Stop chasing fake Japanese turtles in traffic while listening to Goo Goo Dolls and go do a few laps around the track that bullies chased you around in gym class. So now Philly goes down to Tamp-er, as that morbidly obese, real life Comic Book Guy, Mike Francesa would say. Tampa took the tits out of the Saints in their own building last week. Do you think Tampa has it in them for back to back wins? Statistics don’t think so. Fitzpatrick is 1-9-1 ATS after a win. Philly 4-2 ATS and 5-1 on the road. Tampa is 2-4 at home against Philly. And they’ve lost Hargroves and Grimes in the secondary. Oh yeah, DeSean Jackson is in concussion protocol after he scored a TD and DIDN’T spike the ball before the end zone…for once. Lastly, Philly has had 10 days to prep for this game. You’re only laying 3 and that’s a bargain.
I’m taking buying the Birds down to -2.5
Just read that Marcus Mariota although banged up, is going to play this Sunday. And apparently, backup Blaine Gabbert is going to play as well. Well, you know the old saying, when you have 2 QBs, you have zero QBs. Tennessee showed me nothing last week and although Watson wasn’t good at all in NE, the Texans were hanging tight against the Pats. Houston 11-3 ATS as well as 5-2 ATS in Tennessee. Hopkins is probable for Houston and Delanie Walker is out for the year for the Titans. And hell, I even like the under 43 as there is supposed to be some rain. Maybe the hurricane reaches there as plays a role.
But I’m buying down the Texans to -2.5 for sure and maybe the under 44
The Steelers are back home where you’ll hear one of the worst accents in the world. Yinz? Pop? Jesus, can you people NOT home school your kids when you dropped out of the 6th grade to work in the coal mines? But there are 3 things for sure: Death, Taxes, and Toronto relief pitcher Tyler Clippard shitting the bed. And the 4th is usually Ben Rothliesberger at home; ESPECIALLY after a shit tie. And who has the Cleveland under 5.5 for the season? Your favorite neighborhood handicapper. The Chiefs defense got gouged but hung on against the Chargers last week. No Eric “Dingle” Berry for the Chiefs. Ben and the boys actually close a game out in Pittsburgh while Leveon Bell misses out on another 500k game check. The last time someone avoided Pennsylvania this long, it cost her the election. Zing!
I’m buying the Steelers down to -2.5
The Jets shocked the world when they beat Detroit. Detroit shocked everyone when Matt Stafford did his best Nathan Peterman impression. Are the Jets going to score a lot of points again? No. Miami is going to come into the Meadowlands and cool down from those points they put up in that marathon last week against the Titans. Jets got 5 TOs and a lot of POT. Sam Darnold won’t be winging it all over the place. Miami is 6/8 under in NY so we’re going to make this easy and take.
Jets under 43
I love the Chargers in Buffalo because well, it’s Buffalo. And they stink. And they’re starting a rookie QB. Also, the Chargers offense will light it up against a hangdog Buffalo D. I know the whole, west coast team flying east for a 1pm game argument but the Bills are so bad, I don’t care. I bought the point and took…
Lastly, here are 6 words you RARELY hear me say: I love the Giants this week. They had a chance or 2 to take down the Jags. Dallas looks AWFUL, ZERO offense for them. They didn’t cross the 50 until the THIRD QUARTER last week. I just think the Giants are not doing 0-2 again this year. And getting 3? Sure, why not? Watch this game be 21-10 Dallas. But here’s an absolute LOCK: The Giants are 7/8 with the under and Dallas is 5/5 in recent under. Giants/Dallas go under 4/5. Eli and his moderately confused looking face win in a low scoring fashion.
Take the Giants +3 and the Under 41.5