Week 14 NFL Picks ATS

“Kevin, where’s Reagan?”  “Kevin, is Reagan coming back this week?”  Hey, did you see I went 5-3 last week?  “Yeah but we want to see Reagan eat her cookie.”  That was all I heard!  You guys would rather see my daughter and I make cutesy-poo faces (it’s adorable) than hear my winning picks and capitalize on free money this Christmas?  No wonder school test scores are down and Madea films continue to make money.  Good news, you’re seeing her today as she’s feeling completely better and eating cookies faster than Roy Moore eats 15 year old asses.  We’re already off to a fast start as I took Atlanta on Thursday night so that puts me in the “nice” column to start week 14.

The Tennessee Titans are insanely overrated.  If you had them last week -7, you absolutely stole one for the books as Derrick Henry broke a run for a late TD that was just meant to kill the clock and cover.  Now, they go to Arizona where as a home dog, they’re 24-13.  AZ isn’t playing for anything but the way they’re going about business, you would think otherwise.  Tenn on the road is awful, 1-4 ATS.  AZ vs Tenn is 4-1.  

Fly with the Cards at the free +2.5 points

Cincinatti played Pittsburgh on Monday night in a game that was uglier than watching Rebel Wilson eating.  Cincy 4-0 ATS and 13-5 vs teams with losing records.  The Bears are just goddamn awful and John Fox is 4 weeks away from a pink slip and shitty gold watch.  The Bears are recently 1-3-1 and 4-9 on the road.  They’re not going to get motivated playing for a lame duck coach.  Vontaze Burfict is out for Cincy but I don’t care.  I see them taking out their anger from shitting the bed on Monday on the lifeless Bears.

The Bengals eat the Bears like a tourist who jumped into their cage at the zoo, -6.5

Kansas City is back home after failing to put the dagger in the Jets.  Oakland comes in after unconvincingly beating the Geno Smith led Giants.  KC has the under hit 12/17 at home, 7/9 vs Oak, 17/25 vs Oak, and Oakland is 6/9 with the under on the road.  And with all of that, I’m taking the over today.  WHAT??  You just gave 13 stats saying under!  Well, Andy Reid isn’t calling the plays and the new guy took the reins off Alex Smith and then against the Jets, they threw smoke all over the place.  They have nice weather in KC today so no crazy winds.  The Oakland defense is trash AND they’re getting Crabtree back.  We all know how bad the Chiefs D is.  And the last time these teams played, they combined for over 60.  

Take the over 48 with confidence.

Carolina is home against the Vikings after going to NO and getting a spanking (just like I said.)  Fun facts: Carolina is 9-2 and has 7 wins as a home dog, also recently 4-1 ATS and SU.  This is the 3rd straight game for Minnesota and something’s got to give.  I think this is the week they finally lose one.  Khalil and Olsen are probable for Carolina as well.  I know Carolina is an unimpressive 2-3-1 at home but I think they bounce back after a loss and Minnesota can afford a loss; especially coming to the tail end of a road trip.  

Take Cam and the boys +2.5

Miami is getting a bushel of points, 11, home against the Patriots.  I know, betting against the Patriots is suicide 9/10 times.  Yes, I know the Pats are 12-0 in November or later.  Here’s why I like Miami: Pats are 1-3-1 in Miami and no Gronk.  I think the Pats run the ball and kill the clock.  I also think the Pats may get caught looking forward to Pittsburgh next week.  11 is the perfect number to backdoor with.  

Dolphins and the +11 sounds like a plan to me.

The lock of the week is a no-brainer.  I’m talking a no-brainer on the scale of the scale of, “Do I eat steak or do I fuck Lena Dunham?”  The Philadelphia Eagles were brought back to Earth last week in Seattle.  They stayed on the West Coast this week to practice and keep their body clocks right.  The Rams players are dealing with the fires ravaging their lands like hipsters ravaging their parents’ dreams of not being sniveling pussies.  This is going to be the game of the day but I think Philly answers back for being held down in Seattle.  And I promise you, those dirt merchant Eagles fans will take over the stadium where they have an AVERAGE home field situation. 

Eagles as a pick em on the road.

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