Week 5 NFL picks ATS

Anyone have the Chiefs or the over on Monday night?  I hope you take your profitable asses and stick your heads in a blender.  Cause I put up 145 in fantasy football last week and LOST because the guy I played had the fucking KC defense.  On a fucking backwards pass.  On the last play of the game.  Boy, imagine if you had Washington and the under?  You were EASILY counting that money and buying shit on Amazon or double ended dildos, just as a gag gift to sword fight with your buddies.  Next thing you know, you got dildos in the mail which reminds you how you royally got fucked in the ass.  This HAS to go in the gambling hall of fame story as the luckiest bet/baddest beat ever.  

I mentioned profitable above and that’s the perfect description that fits me last week.  Your boy only had 3 picks but guess what?  All 3 were WINNERS.  I did take TB and the under this week.  The under on cruise control but let’s talk about TB.  Cameron Brate dropped a TD that went right into his belly.  3 plays later, missed FG by Nick “Cuntface” Folk.  He missed THREE FGs, which makes me wish a colony of fire ants takes residency in his urethra.  Bucs score late, giving me the backdoor cover.  Great…until they don’t get the onside kick and Gostkowski pulls his anti-Cuntface Folk impression by drilling a 48 yarder.  Lose by .5, awesome.  So we start this week at 1-1 and let’s go to the videotape!

Every year, there’s a team that you just hold onto because they do nothing but cover or hit the over/under.  Last year was my NY Giants under.  This year for me are the St Louis Rams.  They’re 2-2 ATS but 3-0-1 on the over.  Rams are 5/6 on the over and 4/5 at home.  Seattle are 4/5 on the road.  Seattle finally found their offensive groove against the Colts and the Rams are just lighting up the boards.  Seattle D still isn’t what it was and the Rams can score.  I’m debating about taking the Rams -1.5 because Seattle is 0-5 ATS on the road.  Also, 3-7 ATS when playing the Rams.  And that goes back to Dog Dick Jeff Fisher coaching them.  Why is it -1.5 when the Rams are home?  Shitty home crowd?  Overreaction from the bookies?  This opened at a pick em and I’m sure that the public is going to drive up the price.  

I like the Rams -1.5 but I LOVE the over at 46

Dallas lost at home last week (Good, fuck them and their bandwagon fans.  And oh yeah, Rams over hit last week.  No need for flowers, just send a cut of your winnings) and now GB comes into town.  GB with 10 days to prep and Davantae Adams passed concussion protocol.  Who do I think will win?  I think Dallas gets redemption but will I be laying hard earned dollars on them?  Probably not being that Dal is 3-8 ATS and 2-6 at home.  ESPECIALLY against with Rodgers and 10 days off.  What does that mean to me?  POINTS.  Lots of them.  53 is the number, no problem.

Take GB over 53

What wins by KC and Hou last week.  Houston destroyed the Titans so badly that Denzel won’t be able to remember them.  KC is very good and they’re in Houston this week.  How good is KC?  Good but not good enough to go undefeated.  The Texans are 9-2 SU at home so why does that matter?  The game is a pick ’em.  I think the Texans are rolling and have something special.  KC played Monday night so we’ll see if they’re lacking a little.  It’s time for their first loss and Hou is just moving right along.

Take the Texans at a pick ’em

I’m not feeling as strong about these next picks but kind of like them:

I hate betting the Eagles because A) I hate that town and B) Every time I bet them, they fuck me.  But goddamnit, Arizona is checking a LOT of boxes this week: Carson Palmer is the most sacked QB.  AZ cannot run the ball.  AZ also playing an East Coast team at 1pm.  And AZ just lost their best LB, Golden, to injury.  Zona 1-4 ATS in their last 5.  Philly 5-2 in their last 7 ATS and 6-3 at home.  And I have them as my suicide pool pick this week.  Watch them lose 27-21 at fuck me twice but man, they have to cover for me one of these days.  

Take the Eagles quickly at -6.5 before it goes up.

The experts are saying Baltimore is so bad that they’re taking the Raiders with EJ Manuel as QB.  I’d rather have Emmanuel Lewis as my QB than him.  I just cannot see the Ravens who have been smoked 2 straight weeks losing for a 3rd.  And you’re getting 2.5 points with the Ravens?  Boy, this is a statement game when you’re facing a banged Raiders o-line?  

Take the Ravens +2.5 and cross your fingers.  If it gets to 3 or more, I’ll take them.

 

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